Lord,

I hurt.

I miss my brother. But for what? What do I miss? Everything was so skewed anyway. And can we ever be friends again anyway? I desire him in a much deeper way than that and I don't know how I can have that desire and not revert back to the way things were when I was hanging out with him all the time. I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have for an older brother/father figure (this thought came to me the other day; maybe I did not seek a person to fill the father role because I already had one but since the emotional presence was not there, I desired the older brother because I thought that was from where the emotion-ness would come) and I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have to intimately be with someone. How unhealthy that was. I am so glad to be out of it before it got worse, and there has been a joy that comes from freedom since I parted with him (it is creepy how much of an awesome week I had... seemingly too good to be true) but at the same time I miss him. And that missing, I fear, is turning/going to turn into a annooying/painstaking feeling of "I want to BE with somebody!!!!" Huh. New thought. That desire to be with someone will only grow. It was subdued for a while because I had my relationship with Garnett filling in. But he's not here anymore. And this is going to be lonely. I wonder if it's the same for him. I was wondering a little bit about what God is teaching him through this. And I wonder if it's the fact that he can't be protector. He can't be the one on whom a person relies or depends (she is the one on whom we can depend, she is the one named Sailor Moon!....... sorry).

Lol.

He just walked by and my stomach just jumped so hard/much. I'm in the little room next to the Digman Downstairs Lounge, the one that does not have a door and where I led my first small group. Think it was him, from my peripheral, the guy was tall and black and wearing a suit jacket. Yup. Hear his voice and maybs Sam. Thought I saw Debs leave from my peripheral a few minutes ago. Whatever, this is totally irrelevant.

As I was saying, I wonder if he's learning a similar lesson. And if feelings of loneliness will come up because I'm not there for him to try to protect anymore. Ugh. I hate thinking like this. Honestly, I feel quite lame. I took this guy and made him so much! Girl with a big heart and big needs looking in the wrong places. And I confessed to Ray (who is actually real easy to talk to and we spoke 'til like 6:30 this morning... woke up for church at 10:15 o_o) that part of me is glad when I find out he is actually pretty affected by this because it makes me know that I was actually appreciated by him. And it's hard for me to fully accept that he's affected by this so much because I feel like it does not compare to how I feel about. Fact of the matter is, as much as he appreciates me, it doesn't mean anything: it will never be in the way that I desire. And how can I keep my feelings at bay when God's love and Spirit is so much in him!

Ahhhh. Really can't even to think out how things will work out. This really for God to do because I have no clue how I ever be this guy's actual friend while still having feelings for him. And I have no idea how long this trial will last. And I definitely don't know the greater picture for what I am supposed to learn. But it's not for me to know. It's for me to look at Jesus only and put my hope in Him. And Lord, I thank You so much for the peace and the companionship. What would I do without You????

Oh Great and Mighty One

With one desire I come

That You would Reign

That You would Reign in me. Amen.

Lord, would you be enough for me please? Please? Please?

And Lord I pray for Stephen. Right now, I pray aside from what I feel. I pray that You would be his sustenance. However this affected him, whether as much or far less, would You use this experience to correct him and guide him to You as well? Hallelujah. Be glorified in this Lord Jesus. And as I have prayed before, may this relationship between Garnett and I be what You want it to be. Whatever is not glorifying to You, take out, even if it means that our friendship is never restored. I thank You Father that You mean things to work out for my good too. You don't have to do that. Yet You promised it. Wow. You really mean that then. That all things work together for my good. Wow. Thanks a lot God. And I thank You for PEACE. Even though I have yet to plan small group and I've got work to do, I thank You so much that it's in it's perspective and these things are not running my heart. Really God, thank You for this mercy. And for the community. Oh man, how much You have done that cannot even be contained in this blogpost!! I thank You Jesus. Thank You for calling me right back to You. Hallelujah.

In the Name of the Son Jesus I pray with much thanksgiving in my heart,

Amen.

I Will Exalt You God.

I will exalt Thee

I will exalt Thee

I will exalt Thee

You are my God.

Today is the day Lord. The day I tell this kid what I feel for him. Bleck, lol. The tears want to come out of my eyes. Jesus, I don't want to do it. And there is a sadness in me, because I cannot pretend anymore. Spirit, in my brokenness, would You please speak anyway? Lord, I am sorry that I resisted for so long. But in my obedience to You, would You bless me? May I not fear.

Because You're with me

Because You're with me

Because You're with me

I will not fear.

I am still like, why do I really have to do this? But Lord, who am I to question Your plan? You have proven Yourself faithful to me in the past. In that moment when You told me to forgive Jeremy and DeShana, I could not imagine the good that would result from that. I thought that it was something that I was supposed to do for them, that it wasn't fair that I had to stop holding against them what they did. But God, I am the person that I am now because You told me to do that and because I listened! I could not imagine in that moment the change that would happen in me, or the beauty of mending relationships after so much pain resulted from them. And all You did was tell me to do one thing: let go. And even that wasn't something that I had to do on my own. You were with me through it all. Through it ALL.

So Lord, I pray that even in this situation, I would trust You and obey You. I pray that even though I have fear, I would do what You have called me to do, even with that fear. May I understand what fear really is; a shadow that can do no harm. The shadow that makes it look like there's a monster, when really there is just a cricket. Praise Yahweh. I thank You for calling me to be strong and courageous and that You promise to be with me wherever I go. May I be so aware of Your presence with me. Always, not just in this situation. In all things, not just with this talk.

I will exalt You

You are my God.

I love You Jesus. And I pray that I would love You through obedience. I pray that You would begin to change my heart for G. That I would love Him deeply with Christ's love and that my feelings would soon fall away. I pray for a contentment and thorough satisfaction in the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known. I have no idea what Your plans are with this conversation, I only hope that I am not too late in carrying out what You have called me to do.

I pray for peace and boldness. I pray for an awareness of the victory. I pray that I will be ever-aware of who I am in Christ-- what can man do to a daughter of God? What man can tamper and taint the person I am in Jesus the Lord? In His Name, I can do all things. In the character and person of God, I CAN DO ALL THINGS. Etch that into my heart Lord.

Be with me as I go Lord. Be with me in the pain and the hurt and the tears. In the past, I have experienced such joy in the morning, such peace after the storm. I look forward to Your blessing of peace and thank You for it. Thank You for loving me Lord, may I be ever aware of Your deep, wide, high, long Love for me x).

My hiding place

My safe refuge

My treasure Lord

You Are.

The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.

Recap of my 18th Year of Life

Technically, I am still 18 for I was born at 3 am. Time to do a recap!

Let's see. This year has been incredibly BIG. I graduated high school, started college, joined Intervarsity. I did the SSS summer program over the summer (duh), and even though I do not warm up to the program as much as I thought I would, it was still an awesome week for me. I had my trunk party in August. Got a scholarship from MCU bank, as well as from the Bethlehem Alumni Association. Performed at the Spellman talent show and won 2nd place, behind the F.Y.I. and before Jasmine and Kevin's performance (though we thought that Brian, Paolo, Cheryl, and Josh should have gotten third). 18, the year that we had an awesome Crazy For You reunion in Central Park. That was a great day. The year that I also went to go so see the Jonas Brothers live for Good Morning America - not as great a day. The year that I won the Spellman Alumni Award. The year I also got so much money that I did not know what to do with it. The year when I called Jeremy after graduation and asked "What happened to us?" and ended an a less arbitrary note with him. The year when I saw him again at the Cardinals Player's production of Hairspray and we embraced warmly. The year I saw my play brothers and sisters in Hairspray and was thoroughly proud of them.

Man, a lot of things happened in a year.

18 was a year in which God was truly revamping the way I live the Christian life. He was increasing my capacity to be bold through challenging me to share the gospel openly with strangers (Love Out Loud - November 5, 2010. Also conversational evangelism). He made me aware of the overwhelming sin evident in the slavery in the world. He taught me why the world is like that and through Greg Jao, He taught me that He understands our pains. This was the year when God blessed me with an older brother, Stephen. This was also the year when God totally WASHED OVER me with His presence and GREAT LOVE on December 9, 2010 when I was totally overwhelmed with the heaviness of my crush. This was the year where the issues with Grace Baptist Chapel became even more evident and I became so frustrated that I wrote a letter to the church. The year that I met cool people like Tuttle, Angie, Heewon, Sunroot, Carrie, Debs and so many other awesome peeps in the fellowship. The year I went on NYCUP where God began teaching me how to truly love His creation, people created in His image and likeness. He began making heart-knowledge the fact the HE is in control, not me. Things will not always turn out how I would like or expect, but that's okay. He began making heart-knowledge the fact that I have to do things in His strength, not my own. And ever recently, He has begun making heart knowledge the fact I must trust in His supreme understanding and wisdom and lay my burdens down.

This week has been one of the most fluctuating weeks of my life. I got a 92 on my Stats exam and was sharing about the awesome experience that was NYCUP. I also got a week extension on a paper that was due Tuesday the 29th of March. But I could not find sufficient time to do it, I got my period, and Jeffrey hung himself yesterday. And today's my birthday! What a way to end 18. Anyway.

This is the year where the dynamic of my family has been changing as well. That will become more evident this year though. It will be interesting.

Year that I got to share my faith with Randy. Year when God began deepening my understanding of prayer and its POWER. Year I met Andy B. and Neil and Jack. Year I joined CBF and met Dave and Elizabeth. Year I went on Expedition and the 2 IV chapter retreats. Year I was an Emmaus leader. Year I went to Luke and Crystal's wedding <3 Year I had an EXTREMELY huge crush on that guy. Yeah.

There is so much that I am leaving out I'm sure. But there are blogs and videos about my life as an 18 year old. Ooh, also the year where I was legitimately surprised for my 19th birthday (I'm tech. still 18 for the next 28 minutes xD). Peeps showed up at LateNite Bing and sang to me. Year of challenging conversations with non-Christians (Jordan, Jeremy C., Turtle, Randy, my philosophy professor).

Lord, I thank You for another year of life. And even though I am really weird at the moment, hurting over the loss of Jeffrey yet able to be sane and composed extremely quickly, I thank You for how You will bring good out of this pain for those that love the Lord. May more of Your creation love You Lord. Be with us as we suffer and help us to know that You understand our pain so completely. SO completely. I thank You for the things that You are teaching me and for the recent abundant blessing of heart-knowledge. Hallelujah. I will praise You in this storm.

In Christ's Name,
Let it be so.

2:47 AM

Jeffrey

Wow.

Today, Daytona called me and told me that Jeffrey Cabral, a fellow member of ours in the Liberty LEADS program at Bank Street College, hung himself. This is going to be really hard to write about.

Ummmm.......

So, Jeffrey and I were never close friends, but we went through a good part of high school together in Liberty and conversed every now and then. He was a goof, but he was uplifting and encouraging and seemed to just have such a hopeful outlook on life. He seemed to approach life with the attitude "Even though things are rough and difficult, I will overcome." Daytona was even closer to him and they engaged in deep conversation all the time. Jesus, please be with her and help her.

I was crying out "Why God, WHY?!" And it was not a cry of anger but of pain. Why did Jeffrey have to die like this? With no hope? I looked at his pictures on Facebook and I am so heartbroken. In almost every profile picture, he is smiling. I am so hurt. Why Jeffrey? Didn't you think about the people around you? How much they would hurt? Jeffrey, you must have know that death was not the answer!

Jesus, why didn't You reach him? Why did he have to die this way? Please Lord, make good come out of this. Please help those who know You understand that You are not blind to this and You care. You understand their pain. And for those who do not know You, I pray that they will not resent You and hate You. Help them understand that You are the God who cares deeply for His creation. You did not want this to happen.

And what gets me too is that it's so easy to say "Rest In Peace" or "I know you are in a better place." But no, you don't that he's in a better place. It's not that every person who dies goes to a better place. I think we deceive ourselves when we say that. And that makes reconciling the pain even harder. I hurt because Jeffrey lost hope. The hope and encouragement that he infected others with was not present in his own life. He despaired. He despaired. He lost hope. He took his life.

I hurt Lord. We hurt. Please meet us in the pain. Teach me how to pray for His soul. Help me pray for his family, his mother. Please hear my heart Lord. Comfort me. Help me to know with my heart that You hear and You understand. Thank You Lord for not ignoring my pain, for seeing my suffering and saying that it is not nothing; it has meaning.

Hallelujah.

Help me Lord to praise You in this storm.

Let it be so.

I Won't Care

I wonder what I would be like if I did not care what other people thought of me? If my only concern was what God said. If I did not seek the approval of others or to agree with those who are highly respected. I would be a very different person and I would be a person that I respect tremendously.

Lord, that is my prayer. May what You say be my only concern. I am nowhere near that, but Lord, You are so awesome that You can change me into a person who will adhere to what You say and hold herself accountable to Your word and will. Let it be so Lord, let it be so.

Hallelu Yah. Amen.

Blessed be Your Glorious Name

So it is 1:10 in the AM and I have been in a state of discomfort for the past 2 and a half hours. This semester, I decided that I was going to try my best to get as close to 8 hours of sleep as possible. But that is impossible when your period cramps keep you awake! I mean, I used to be able to go to sleep while still in pain, but it's not happening this time. And I just took medication about 1/2 an hour ago, 2 midols and a 8 oz bottle of water from Jacey. Please kick in faster. It's times like these where I really resent Eve. If she just hadn't eaten the apple from that stupid tree, I wouldn't have to worry about flippin' labor pains. It HURTS! And I wanna sleep!!! I went to bed at 10:47, 10:47!!!! Man Lord, why? Ugh, I can't even concentrate on You when the pain is so great. And I am mad tired, but I just can't sleep! I think this physical pain is a manifestation of my spiritual discomfort at the moment, with all the spiritual challenges I've been hit with lately. I am unsettled and cannot get peace and rest. And then ploop, I have unsettling cramps and cannot sleep. Ahhhh, my iPod has been going forever, how depressing would it be if it died before I fell asleep? Not cool.

Lord Jesus, PLEASE help fall asleep despite these persistent cramps. Help me stick it out and hang onto You despite the pain. Lord help me. And Jesus, please help me stay awake in my 8:30 and 10:05 class tomorrow. Oh my gosh, please bless my efforts and help me to get through my classes and the day, even though I won't get my full 8 hours of rest. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord in the land that is plentiful.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord though I walk through the wilderness.
You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say:
"Lord, blessed be Your Name!"

Blessed be Your Glorious Name.

You are the Truth, You are the Life, You are the Way

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. So conflicted!

So this week is the first week of classes. Yesterday I had Sociology 100B and Psych 112 (Psych Lab). They weren't bad. At 8:30 this morning, I had Psych 243 which is Psych Stats. They were not bad at all, I actually really like my classes. Except for Intro to Asian Philosophy. My God is that class spiritually upsetting! I sit in this class and I am hearing the views of these other philosophers, things like "God is the deepest part of the self... God is who you, and everybody else, really are."

WHAT???!!!

It is spiritually repulsive. I do not like sitting in that class at all. And then I see the people in my class, listening intently and possessing faces of interest. At what level of interest, I suppose they vary. Some looking for a philosophy to follow, some adamant about their own beliefs (me), others just wanting to learn about Asian philosophy, and others just wanting to learn about their culture/own philosophical beliefs in this course. Ah boy, I do not know if I can take this class. So many questions arise such as "Is there merit to what they believe? These are philosophies that existed before Jesus even came to Earth. How can there be blame that they came up with these thoughts of God when there was no knowledge of the Hebrew God presented to them?" Or "Am I a Christian just because Christianity is all that was presented before me in my life?" I do not want to follow Christ because He is all I know or because other people follow Him. That is not at all a basis to do anything. There is no thinking for the self in that situation. But then, just because Christianity is the only way of life that I have been exposed to does not mean that it is not the truth. That is a silly notion. But I bring this latter question up because I just want to be rooted in my faith not on the basis that many others believe or because it's all I've known. That is shallow and narrow. I want to fear Jesus Christ because He is the Right Way, because He is the Truth, because there is True Life in Him. I want to fear Jesus because He is the only way to GOD (defined as the Creator of the Universe--- not as an ant -____-). HALLELUJAH. Praise Yahweh! Please help me Lord. Keep me FIRM and STEADFAST in You. Give me boldness and strength. EMPOWER me Holy Spirit! Holy, HOLY Spirit, for that is what You are! HOLY!

Into MARVELOUS LIGHT! I'm running!
Out of Darkness! Out of Shame!
By the CROSS YOU are the TRUTH!
You are the LIFE!
You are the WAY!

Hallelujah to the King of Kings!
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Hallelujah to the Lord of Lords!
He is the GREAT I AM!!!!!

He is our King!
He is our Love!
He our God Who's come to bring us back to Him!
He is the One!
He is JESUS!

Thank You Lord. I want to praise and worship You all of the days of my life. Root me in YOU oh Lord. And may my declaration of Your Lordship not be shallow, but a true and deep knowing of Your Glory, Sovereignty, and Supremacy. I do not now if I will have future doubts or more deep troublings in my spirit, but I pray that You will comfort and encourage me through it all. Oh no, please never let go, through the calm and through the storm, in every high and low. NEVER let go of me Jesus.

Thank You Lord.

b-o-r-e-d

Currently Listening to Stellar Kart's Newest Album "Everything is Different Now"

I am so bored. I got to Binghamton yesterday at around 2 pm and there was hardly anybody on my floor. It was really weird coming back to life at Bing. after being at home for 5 weeks. Stephen said that after the summer it's even weirder; I can imagine.

So because I am so bored, I decided to blog (lol, when all attempts to occupy self fail, you can always rely on YouTube and blogging. But blogging more so). Hmmmm, what's been on my mind lately? Oh, I am super bummed that Stephen is not at Bing this semester. Total downer. I've also been really contemplating how much I want to grow as a Christian this year. I want to be bolder and have greater discernment. I want to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I'll be more sensitive to what He's saying to me or telling me to do. More sync, less confusion/questions about what God wants me to do. I also very much want to have a greater faith and trust in God. I hung out with Roschelle this past Wednesday and she said that if she can trust God with the destination of her soul and believes that He is the Great Everything, if God tells her to tell a man that God loves Him she should be able to trust God on that level as well. And that is so true. I sing all the time that I trust in You and this year I realized that I really don't. 'Cause if I did, there would not be so much hesitation to do the things You tell me to do Lord. Please increase my faith and make me ever sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Hallelujah.

Ugh, joy killed. I have to call Pastor, for my mother says so -____-
God, help me in this phone conversation with Pastor. Help me to be humble. Guide the words that come out of my mouth, 'cause I have no idea what I am going to say. And please help me not to harbor so much resentment against him. That is not Christ-like at all.

Oh sigh.
Jesus please help me.

So that is the important stuff running through my mind at the moment. Classes start Monday, and I am ready to kick butt! But until then, I shall... figure out things to do.

Toodles.

-Salmon Out

Patient, Persistent PRAYER

So God has been showing me the importance of prayer lately. Lately as in the beginning of this past semester and again this past week. Pastor Richie said Saturday-gone at Misfit Service that "Patient and persistent prayer is not foolishness." And this week God gave me a lot to pray for. 1) There is this whole crush thing that is KILLING me, UGH! 2) I NEED guidance and strength and boldness to go on with the New Student Outreach stuff at InterVarsity. I need help in evangelizing! 2) I met with Krystal today to catch up about stuff and I need to lift her in prayer 3) Leon asked me today to lift him up in prayer before the Lord in regards to school and carrying on in another semester 4) I need to lift up Renée in prayer and she deals with a relationship 5) I need to pray for Brittany and for God to bless her with strength to go through school. Also for God to bless her with a better understanding of Him. 6) For Grace Baptist Chapel, especially the youth. 7) That my family will become followers of Christ/will delve deeper into Him. 8) For Nico and her mother and family in the death of her father. Oh Lord. 9) For DeShana and others in their college app. process. 10) For the brother of a Christian who recently gave his life to Christ at Hillsong NYC.

Whew. Lots of praying to do!

And the more I pray and fast, the greater my testimony. (Hmmmm, I wonder if that is a doctrinally sound statement...)

God, I'm believing for a breakthrough in each of these areas (most. def the first one -_-). Do great and marvelous things in the lives of my brothers and sisters and help me to be patient and persistent in my requests to You Lord Jesus. And Lord, help me to look forward to the joy that will be in my heart when you answer the prayers of your child. Give me a patient heart Lord!

Amen.

-Salmon Out

Matthew the Brat for a Brother -_-

Matthew annoys me. Like, really frustrates me. He is so angry! I don't think I was that bad. Was I that bad? He keeps things pent up. I mean, I do too, but I think I control it a tad bit better. Maybe it's 'cause he's a boy. What frustrates me the most is that 1) he gets angry at the smallest things. Like, blows up. And 2) he doesn't think he has to change. Really kid? Really? I mean, I have anger issues too, but I know I've got a problem. He's semi-aware but he doesn't care to do anything. Supposedly he's tried but it's too hard. So he gives up. And he sees the flaws in everybody else, so thinks it's okay to keep his flaws since we are imperfect. That's how he justifies his nastiness. And it's frustrating. He stores up all of these examples and stories to use against us when he's sees we're contradicting ourselves. Insignificant contradictions. It's petty. He retrieves these past events that nobody remembers. His grudges are ridiculous. Is he gonna be like this forever? Please God, NO. Help me deal God, and help me to not appear to be a hypocrite. Jesus, I need patience. Help me to keep my cool. AMEN.

♥ Anniversary ♥

Today is a special day.

1) It's my one year anniversary of creating a Blogger account :D

But more importantly...

ME AND JESUS MAKE THREE YEARS TODAY!

It was three years ago on Good Friday that I went under the water and "married" Christ. I was 15. And God has brought me so far. I remember last year when I couldn't even praise His name. Like, I was sitting in the ACPC room with the CADETS and I couldn't say "Hallelujah." Like, the words physically would not come out of my mouth. Now, I go to Bronx Bethany and I shout out the words. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!! And I'm with people that worship Him in song and life and in words. And they are not afraid to profess their faith. God, help me to tell others about you!

I woke up coughing riduculously this morning (I left the window slightly open and my pink zip-up was zipped down (lol) halfway). So after spitting and coughing and spitting and coughing, I started talking to God. I actually started last night. I read Luke 22:39-46 in Joel Osteen's Hope For Today Bible. I did not intend to read the side note that Joel I assume wrote because I think he focuses too much on the happy-go-lucky, prosperous aspect of Christianity and not the hard-to-follow truths. But you know, Joel has some good things to say. Like, God through Joel helped me to break the addiction of sucking my fingers (that was HARD). And what Joel had to say brought tears to my eyes last night.

I've been "bleh" lately. And maybe part of the reason is because I have not had anything to distract me from myself. I haven't been busy. Things have been weighing me down. Well, not weighing, but hovering over me. The men in my family are not saved. The woman in my family don't trust God fully (not in action; ex. tithing and putting their future in His hands). I feel conflicted and confused and hypocritcal. I still have to go through high school. I have no idea what my future is going to be like. I just feel so empty and blah-zay. That last sentence is probably just 'cause I am bored.

But I do feel conflicted. Like, I feel like I'm two different people. And that happens naturally. I don't try to be two different people; it's effortless. You have the me that I am at home and the me that I am outside. Angry, happy. Impatient, tolerant. Intolerant, giddy and hyper. It bugs me. And I should have more love for my family, not my friends. But that's not the case.

So these conflicting characteristics upset me. If I had a few more negative experiences and some more intense ones, I'd probably have split personality disorder. That's not even a joke. So getting over this is going to be pretty hard. But here's what Joel said:

"There he told them, 'Pray that you will not give in to temptation'" (Luke 22:40).

When Jesus told His disciples to pray about temptation, He didn't say, "Pray that you'll never be tempted." No, we all face temptation. But God says, "When temptation comes, ask Me for help." In any area that you're trying to change, even small things, just simply pray, "God, I'm asking You to help me make the best choice. Help me stay on Your best plan."

Yes, resisting temptation takes effort. It takes discipline. But the benefits far outweigh the work. It's so much worse to live in bondage. It's hard feeling bad about yourself, living below your potential. There is nothing worse than going through the day weighed down by habits that used to be temptations but are now part of your life.

Today you may be struggling with addictions or with your temper or with being impatient. Truthfully, you may have given up the struggle. Now you are dragging around in mediocrity, allowing something so small to control you. Let me tell you what you already know---you are better than that. You're a child of the Most High God. You have His royal blood flowing through your veins. Don't you dare just sit back and settle where you are. There is not an obstacle in your life that you cannot overcome, large or small. It doesn't matter if it's a critical spirit or if you're addicted to cocaine, the Power that's in you is greater than the power that's trying to hold you back. Dig your heels in and fight the good fight of faith. Don't let that thing master you. Keep the attitude, "That's it. I'm not staying where I am. I'm coming up higher. I know I'm better than this. God has a much better life for me to live."

I believe that God was definitely speaking to me through Joel. God's going to help me get through. And I know He will, because He's done it before. I couldn't praise Him last year; I can praise Him now. Last year, I had low self-esteem. A year later, thanks to Him, it's higher. I know that I deserve better. I don't know when the God in me will overcome the negative power holding me back. But I know it will happen. It will happen.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you so much. And I pray that I will not stop praising You and glorifying Your name and giving You thanks and living a life that honors YOU. May We keep on going for another three years and I pray that three years from now, this issue will be behind me, desposited in the Well of Experience and that the lessons I learn will be deposited in the Well of Wisdom. Help me to pray for Your help when I am tempted Lord so that I do not give in to sin. And help me to respect those who You have put in place to shepherd Your people.

Amen.

Where there is Life, there is HOPE

So today, my bro. tells me about how his friend's ex-girlfriend committed suicide. It breaks my heart when I hear that people have lost all hope. Especially since these people are so beautiful and are more blessed than they could ever imagine. It's just crazy. Life is never that bad, for where there's life there is hope. As long as you are living, there is hope for something. Some place better than where you are now. Hope for a better world, a world full of love. As long as you live, there is some...thing that you hope for. Some thing worth hoping for. So I pray Lord for all those who have lost hope. Jesus, show them the way! Show them that once You take control, life becomes worth living. Lead the lost souls to You, Lord. Add numbers to Your church, for You said You would. Reveal Yourself to the world. I ask these things in the name of Christ Jesus and believe that they will come to pass. Amen.

Love of the Present, Love of the Future

Mr Fel. read this prayer out of our workbook on Thursday and I absolutely had to make a copy of it. God was totally speaking to me through these words:

Wait until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly to Me alone.

I love you, my child. But until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another as you desire to be until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and belongings.

I want you to stop planning and stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists - one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM.
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
You must be patient.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things others have.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking at Me, or you will miss what I want to give you.

And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready ... until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me ... and this is perfect love.

You know, life is hard. Like, really hard. But it's not impossible. And I can keep going because God is always there and He loves me immensely. Love makes life a bit more bearable =]