Psalm 9:10

Psalm 9:10
Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.

Name, in this context, means so much more than just something we call another person. I make a motion to state that the words "Your name" can be substituted with "who You are." So then, the verse reads as follows.

Psalm 9:10
Those who know who You are will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You.

Hallelu Yeshua.

♥ Anniversary ♥

Today is a special day.

1) It's my one year anniversary of creating a Blogger account :D

But more importantly...

ME AND JESUS MAKE THREE YEARS TODAY!

It was three years ago on Good Friday that I went under the water and "married" Christ. I was 15. And God has brought me so far. I remember last year when I couldn't even praise His name. Like, I was sitting in the ACPC room with the CADETS and I couldn't say "Hallelujah." Like, the words physically would not come out of my mouth. Now, I go to Bronx Bethany and I shout out the words. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!! And I'm with people that worship Him in song and life and in words. And they are not afraid to profess their faith. God, help me to tell others about you!

I woke up coughing riduculously this morning (I left the window slightly open and my pink zip-up was zipped down (lol) halfway). So after spitting and coughing and spitting and coughing, I started talking to God. I actually started last night. I read Luke 22:39-46 in Joel Osteen's Hope For Today Bible. I did not intend to read the side note that Joel I assume wrote because I think he focuses too much on the happy-go-lucky, prosperous aspect of Christianity and not the hard-to-follow truths. But you know, Joel has some good things to say. Like, God through Joel helped me to break the addiction of sucking my fingers (that was HARD). And what Joel had to say brought tears to my eyes last night.

I've been "bleh" lately. And maybe part of the reason is because I have not had anything to distract me from myself. I haven't been busy. Things have been weighing me down. Well, not weighing, but hovering over me. The men in my family are not saved. The woman in my family don't trust God fully (not in action; ex. tithing and putting their future in His hands). I feel conflicted and confused and hypocritcal. I still have to go through high school. I have no idea what my future is going to be like. I just feel so empty and blah-zay. That last sentence is probably just 'cause I am bored.

But I do feel conflicted. Like, I feel like I'm two different people. And that happens naturally. I don't try to be two different people; it's effortless. You have the me that I am at home and the me that I am outside. Angry, happy. Impatient, tolerant. Intolerant, giddy and hyper. It bugs me. And I should have more love for my family, not my friends. But that's not the case.

So these conflicting characteristics upset me. If I had a few more negative experiences and some more intense ones, I'd probably have split personality disorder. That's not even a joke. So getting over this is going to be pretty hard. But here's what Joel said:

"There he told them, 'Pray that you will not give in to temptation'" (Luke 22:40).

When Jesus told His disciples to pray about temptation, He didn't say, "Pray that you'll never be tempted." No, we all face temptation. But God says, "When temptation comes, ask Me for help." In any area that you're trying to change, even small things, just simply pray, "God, I'm asking You to help me make the best choice. Help me stay on Your best plan."

Yes, resisting temptation takes effort. It takes discipline. But the benefits far outweigh the work. It's so much worse to live in bondage. It's hard feeling bad about yourself, living below your potential. There is nothing worse than going through the day weighed down by habits that used to be temptations but are now part of your life.

Today you may be struggling with addictions or with your temper or with being impatient. Truthfully, you may have given up the struggle. Now you are dragging around in mediocrity, allowing something so small to control you. Let me tell you what you already know---you are better than that. You're a child of the Most High God. You have His royal blood flowing through your veins. Don't you dare just sit back and settle where you are. There is not an obstacle in your life that you cannot overcome, large or small. It doesn't matter if it's a critical spirit or if you're addicted to cocaine, the Power that's in you is greater than the power that's trying to hold you back. Dig your heels in and fight the good fight of faith. Don't let that thing master you. Keep the attitude, "That's it. I'm not staying where I am. I'm coming up higher. I know I'm better than this. God has a much better life for me to live."

I believe that God was definitely speaking to me through Joel. God's going to help me get through. And I know He will, because He's done it before. I couldn't praise Him last year; I can praise Him now. Last year, I had low self-esteem. A year later, thanks to Him, it's higher. I know that I deserve better. I don't know when the God in me will overcome the negative power holding me back. But I know it will happen. It will happen.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you so much. And I pray that I will not stop praising You and glorifying Your name and giving You thanks and living a life that honors YOU. May We keep on going for another three years and I pray that three years from now, this issue will be behind me, desposited in the Well of Experience and that the lessons I learn will be deposited in the Well of Wisdom. Help me to pray for Your help when I am tempted Lord so that I do not give in to sin. And help me to respect those who You have put in place to shepherd Your people.

Amen.

I Am Evil

God, there's something You're gonna have to do for me. You're gonna have to humble me. 'Cause I'm still a bit confused. Enlighten me. I think the part of me that's human, like, the worldly part, is rising in me. Making herself known. The part that's like "Who is God? It's all about Man." I think I'm reverting back to that mentality that says "It's all about me." I mean, that's not even the main issue. I think the revival of my rebellious spirit/thoughts is the yesterday's revelation at Bible Study that I'm inherently evil. Romans 3:10-18 says:

As it is written
There is no righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.
All have turned away,they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good,
not even one.
Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.
Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.
Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes.

So, there is no good in me whatsoever. That's hard to believe. I mean, I know that humans think evil thoughts and do evil things, but does that mean we're evil by nature. Okay, I see how that is. You do evil things, you are an evil person. But, to group all of mankind under that umbrella? Like, I do not wish to slander or shed blood. I like peace and doing good. Like, I do bad things, but does that make me bad by nature? I thought that humans were inherently good but just not perfect. That we slip up. But it's quite difficult for me to accept that I am evil naturally. That is a strong adjective. Like, Satan status.

There were just so many questions that emerged after Bible Study. And so many weird feelings. Like, it's like Jesus is the white man that came to Africa to free us from our savagery. Almost like that. I mean, I what's so hard to accept is the fact that I am literally nothing without God. Nothing. Humans think they are the stuff, so when we hear that we are not in control/when we are called to relinquish it, it's like "No way." I don't know. I think I think I'm bigger than I am. But in a society that all about being the best that you can be, it's hard not to get gassed and feel like you've got control when you accomplish something. I dunno, it's all just so weird.

Going through this whole thought process, there's two sides of me. The side that loves God and wants to praise and worship Him, and the side that is confused and clings to worldly thought and logic. The latter part of me was explaining to my sister that the whole Christianity thing seems like a demotion. Like, a step down. I can't take care of myself or live for myself, so I have to give over my control to some being and bow down and worship this being. Then my sister says tho me that if I created myself, I could have chosen whomever I want to worship. But God is the one who created me. I didn't ask to be called into being, did not choose who my parents would be, my brothers, hair color, skin tone, the number of hairs on my head, none of it. It was all God. But then, I don't get why I am evil since God created me. My sis compared us to computers, how we create them, but they still get viruses. They have glitches. She that Satan represents the glitches in humans. But 1) Comps. are man-made and men are not perfect so the comps. are not perfect. 2) God is perfect, so shouldn't what He made be perfect? Maybe it's free-will. Like, God gave us free will so that there would be a chance for greater and deeper love. But He knew that that would come at a high price. That evil would be a side effect. Hmmmmm... I need to meditate on the Word. More to follow later.

~Janell