The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.

Thank You Jesus

Thank You Jesus. I am ever appreciative of how You communicate to me through my life. I ask You to use me and You say "Of course I will, but I have to chizzle away some things first." And You are putting me under the fire and perfecting me and making me more like You and I am realizing how far from You I actually am. I had this obnoxious thought that being a Christian meant I had arrived. As if I knew everything. And I didn't know this is how I thought. Then You showed me how broken I am and how much hurt there is in my life. How many pains from childhood have laid dormant and unaddressed that have not been healed. You showed me my brokenness. Thank You for reminding me how much I truly need You. Lord, please help me to trust and obey You FULLY. Then all else will follow and fall into place. Hallelujah. Thank You Lord. Thank You.

So, the whole Life-In-A-Day thing failed. God didn't want me to put them up. So they got deleted -_- Sadness, but such is life (I say that now because I am over it). I was so tight though! And I lost more stuff today because this stupid comp. shut down on me! Argh, public computers. But at least I have one.
The videos were basically asking the fam and myself what do me love, what makes us laugh, what do we fear, and what's in our pockets. lol, they were cool vids. Then the vids. I was trying to upload today before the comp. shut down were dealing with the preparing of the chicken for the boys chicken fund raising event (and other things like dissing how boyish I looked and playing the cool Charlie Brown Christmas piano song). Later that same day (this was on Thursday), I recorded a video about NJ losing my phone. The ending of it was funny. Aah sigh, I just know not to rely on comps. that delete memory every time they shut down -__-. Anyway...

God blessed me today. Like really blessed me today. I don't even know where to begin. But He spoke to me through Cynthia today. And it was really great. Get ready. Because God is showing me more of Him and is revolutionizing my life and walk with Him. Pray that I become stronger in the Lord. HALLELUJAH! Thank You GOD for who YOU are! I love you Lord! That is all I can say. Praise Your Name and I THANK You for Your Love.

A-MEN!!!!

<3

Daily Audio Bible Entry: Encouragement

Hi all! I am new to this site and I just wanted to encourage you with something that blessed my heart. I listen to the Contemporary Christian Channel on Music Choice and a song played that I absolutely love. It is called Before The Morning by Josh Wilson. I looked up the lyrics for it and stumbled upon some testimonies having to do with the song. Here they are:

Anonymous June 22, 2010 11:55
I heard this song when I discovered my wife was cheating on me. I discovered many things about her...and it destroyed me. I was not saved....I was an atheist. In my anquish....I fell on my knees.....crying out to God......and then my friend.....the one who patiently waited for me over the years....contacted me. She sent me things to read....she sent me things to listen to. This song (on youtube) was one of them.

I'm now saved.....the heart bursting joy I felt....was amazing. God answered my prayer....even though I didn't know I was praying....and sent my friend to help me....help me open that door to God.

Anonymous June 20, 2010 08:33
I heard this song for the first time a few days ago while listing to KSBJ - the BEST christian radio station in Houston, TX. The lyrics to this song are amazing and very powerful. I too am crying and praying fervently for a very dear family whose 16 year old son, Joseph, is in a coma from a tramatic head injury he received riding his skateboard. He has been in a coma since June 3rd. By GOD's grace, he continues to fight the good fight and his family's faith in GOD'S power to perform a modern day miracle to heal Joseph is unwavering. I pray for GOD's grace, mercy and healing to all those who hear this song. Thank you to those who've shared their stories. Your stories bring HOPE. GOD BE WITH YOU.

Anonymous June 12, 2010 07:34
Lovely song. It always plays on 95.9 "the fish" when I feel down and out, reminding me that God will see me through all this. He has done it several times before and will do it again because I trust in Him and rely on Him to be my guide and guardian. Just be patient!

Anonymous May 22, 2010 07:21
It is so very amazing. Every time I start wondering where God is in my situation, this song seems to play on WGTS 91.9 FM in Maryland, my favorite and only radio station I listen to. Whatever God is trying to say to me through this song, Ii pray He would make my faith sight. To choose this Christian pathway comes with lots of questions for which they seem to be no answers. But by faith, we go on leaning on His word; trusting in his Holy Name and believe He will never fail us.

Anonymous May 21, 2010 09:45
WOW, this song came on during a time when I was so confused and furious about a situation with someone I care about, and the lyrics just spoke to me. the lyrics just hit the nail on the head, and gave me hope :)

Anonymous May 08, 2010 04:31
Oh my...I just read all the stories before mine. I pray at this very moment that each of you feel the loving arms of our faithful Father God holding you. He loves you all so very, very much. And the cross you are carrying is the cross he gave you because he knew he could trust you with it. My heart breaks for you. It truly does. You will have an awesome testimony to share of God's grace one day. He has you by the hand. We all need to keep praising the Lord. And, know that everything we have gone through he too suffered. And as this anointed writer Josh Wilson said, joy come in the morning. We still have a reason to sing, the pain that we are feeling can't compare to the joy that is coming. In His presence is the fullness of joy. Keep Praising, Keep the faith, Keep your eyes on Jesus. In His love, Karen H

Anonymous February 09, 2010 10:44
LOVE LOVE this song - he wrote this for a friend whose son wasn't supposed to live due to a Congenital Heart Defect. He's 8 now! I can so relate because my 7 yr old son was also born with a CHD & has been through so much pain in his short life. His is physical pain, mine is emotional pain. But God has been at his side from day 1 & all I can do is PRAISE GOD! You need to see the video at: http://apps.facebook.com/joshwilson/

Anonymous February 05, 2010 09:12
This amazing song of truth reminds us of a God and Saviour who is acquainted with our grief and comforts us to then comfort others. Thanks you Josh for paying the price in worship to pen these lyrics.

Anonymous February 01, 2010 10:31
I did not know the story behind this song untill I bought the album. 14yrs ago my son and daughter died and this summer my husband was suddenly killed in an accident. This song touched a part of my soul deep. I am only 44 and I too will stand strong and dare to believe for me and my 8yr daughter. Thank you Josh for your words.

Anonymous January 31, 2010 02:42
Psalms 109:22,26-27,31
"For I am poor and needy,and my heart is wounded within me... Help me, O Lord, my God! Oh, save me according to your mercy, that they may know that THIS is Your hand-that You, Lord, have done it!... For He shall stand at the right hand of the poor, to save him from those who condemn him."

Anonymous January 31, 2010 02:28
This song has meant so much to me too while I wait for God to do some extremely important things in my life. I need Him so much to come through for me. I'm sure you're family is strugglig for the same thing. But God is FOR US! Who can be against us?? I'll pray for Ayven and your family too! May God show you His miraculous power!

Anonymous January 28, 2010 08:32
I know how it feels to have someone so little that you love so much suffering through such a hard and awful thing. I will pray for Ayven.

Anonymous January 24, 2010 05:39
I heard this song driving home one night...while crying for my little grandson who is a coma due to severe head trauma caused by a daycare provider. He was injured Dec 18 2009 and remains in a come. We ar etold he will not ever be able to interact with his surroundings. My daughter has decided to trust God and let Him lead the way. Our Ayven is breathing on his own and able to swallow as not to assperate causing lungs to fill up with fluid. He does have a feeding tube and will soon have surgery to replace his skull which was removed to relieve pressure. All of that to say.......This song has given me the most comfort through this ordeal. HOPE!!!!!
__________________________________________

Please be in prayer for these people and I hope that you are blessed by the song and their testimonmies! Here is a link for the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=oZDQzR8LK-c&feature=related
God Bless!

Jesus loves you :)

http://www.JesuslovesyouANYWAY.com

Check it out, great site. Spread the word.

Locker Post-It Ministry Part 2

So! Update on the Locker Post-It Ministry.

So EVERYBODY thinks I'm the person who put the post-its up. Like, everybody. And I'm a good actor. I walked in surprised to see the post-its this morning and Stephanie Cerrone who was standing by my locker said "Oh Janell, I thought it was you but I guess not." Then this girl named Lee-Ann (don't know if that's not how you spell it) is literally telling me I did it. She wouldn't here that it was anyone else but me. She was like "How come I didn't get two on my locker, some people got two." And Steph. like how it wasn't me 'cause I just walked in, Lee-Ann said I could have come at like 6:00 in the morning. And they were just going back and forth speculating about how I could have done it. Even though I definitely denied it.

And that was just the beginning. To recount what everyone said to me would be a super long journal entry, but I'm going to do it anyway because I know I am going to thoroughly appreciate it later. So!:

Jessica D. asked me in the library if it was me. I said no. Then I expressed that I have post-its like them but it that wasn't me. That answer satified her.

Bello came into the library later and asked if I was behind the post-its. I said, "No, why does everybody keep thinking that?" Frank was around and he said "It sounds very you." lol!

Melissa M. asked me in Spanish. Again, I denied it. Then later on, Michelle B. asked and Mac was like, "Yeah I just asked her" and there was another tangent in Spanish class (Paolo calculated a total of 12 and 1/2. Don't know where he got the 1/2 from). Anisha told Brittany Frederick I'd said I did it. Brittany didn't think so. Anisha asked me and I denied it once again. Mac asked me later on if I knew who did it and I said I didn't.

Next time the post-its were brought up was two periods later (5th period). So we had a brief assembly with Ms. Faulkner in the auditorium about how people are being nasty in the bathroom. Made a point of how first of all, eating in the bathroom is nasty. But the assembly was about people being leaving their trash behind in the bathroom. Paper towels, chip bags in the sink. Yada. Aaaaanyway, as I'm leaving the auditorium, Molina asks me if it was me who did the post-its. Shannon and I believe Steph. Cerrone piggy back her. I deny it and what do they say? "Yes you did!" Then I'm parting from them 'cause my destination is the Vanguard room and theirs is the cafeteria and Sandra, Christina Ellison, Rebecca Brewington and I think (not too sure) Chenel Bennett ask if it was me. I deny it and they tell me that I did it. I gave up and was like "Alright then it was me. It's not a bad thing to be accused of, so I'm just gonna take it." lol, amazing!

As I'm walking to gym later on, I see Danny C. and Amy Spata (I believe they were the only two, there might have been others) wearing the post-its. Wearing them! I mean, I had meant for the post-its to be for the individual whose locker it was on, but hey, who knows what everyone got out of them? I hope they meant something for at least some. Ooo, I forgot to mention. Earlier, the same period I was in the library, I went to my locker to get A Streetcar Named Desire for English class. I saw Adrian Camino reading the post-its. He commented, not knowing I am the person behind the post-its, "How come they get post-its? I want one on my locker." I was flattered. It's cool. I just hope that people don't take things out of hand. Like, with the sticking post-its to bodies and switching post-its on different lockers (the one that was on my locker was not the one I put there. I put the messed up post-it on mine; somebody had it on there's. But the message is what important right?). In and of themselves, there's nothing wrong with those actions, but if somebody wants to keep there post-it, I don't want somebody else infringing upon that right. The message being spread in too important. So God, please be in this ministry, this evangelism. May those who need to hear hear the right words from YOU, not me Lord. Do YOUR work in me. And help me God, I cannot do this on my own. But I am willing. If it is Your will, please send physical help so that the task is less humongous. I want every single person in the building to hear about You Lord. Make it so God, make it so. Amen.

I'm passing Chanay on the way to gym class and she's like "Did you do the post-its? It's okay, you can tell me." I deny it once more. Bello sees me later on and is like "Are you owning up to your evangelism yet?"

My response?

"Oh my gosh, it wasn't me!"

Jasmine was quite funny. She hugs me and is like "I love what you did." I'm like "What?" (I knew full well what she was talking about. How could I not with everyone coming up to me?) She goes, "The post-its." I'm like "It wasn't me."

Jasmine: *gasp* It wasn't you?

Me: No.

Jasmine: Oh my gosh, there's someone else like you in this school? It wasn't you?

Me: It wasn't me.

*big grin*

Jasmine: You're lying.

Me: No I'm not, I'll see you later!

I went to Mr. Fel today to ask him about me denying it. Well, before I get into that, let me tell you why all this denying is going on.

1) Things are cooler when they are mysterious and things are mysterious when people are anonymous.

2) I already like attention. I don't need more direct attention. I'm getting it anyway though -_-'

a. God needs to get the glory, not me.

b. God honors those who do things in secret; not to be heard or seen or recognized

3) I feel that it means more when it comes from a person you do not know. The though is Wow, this person took the time out to do this and he or she doesn't even know me. The message just means more I think.

So those are my reasonings. And I told Fel. He likes the whole post-it idea. He was saying to be undercover for a few days, but when he realized that people were coming to me asking me if I had been the one to do the post-its it said I might as well just accept it. I mean, I felt bad telling all those people it wasn't be. I just kept thinking about how God doesn't like lies. I dunno, we'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe I won't feel so guilty x) He wants me to update him on what goes on. So we'll see what happens x)

Whoooh! Done! xD Hopefully more will follow tomorrow =D. We shall see :)

Thank you Jesus for blessing me with this ministry! I LOVE YOU!!! <3

~Janell <3

Locker Post-It Ministry

Sup. Tired but I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible.

So, I've been meaning to do this for a while but today I just did it. I took sticky notes and put encouraging, godly messages on them and stuck them on the lockers (44) in senior hallway. It sounds simple and straightforward and like an easy way to evangelize. But it is not so easy. Some of the feelings I'm feeling right now is anxiety, fear of rejection. I don't know how the students, the seniors no less, will receive the messages on those post-its. And I hope that people don't take down each other's post-its and vandalize them and ruin a good thing. But God, help me to not focus on that. Help me to focus on planting the seed, not the reaction of the people. Encourage my heart Lord and send help; I want every single person in the building to get some sort of message. That is a task, that is ambitious. But nothing is impossible for You. I repeat: Nothing. So help me to take heart that I am serving a greater purpose and am doing Your will. You didn't outright tell me to do this God, but did You have to? I feel that You are saying "Go ahead, do this ministry, but it is not as easy as it seems. You will have to be committed." But God, You are not just leaving things up to me either. You are with me always. Encourage me through the same messages I tell my classmates Lord! And speak through me. Just speak and write Holy Spirit. Your will be done.

So, hopefully I'll get the chance to blog about people's reactions to the post-its. Lord help me.

Amen.

Old Addiction + Strong God = Deliverance

So today I went to the library to get on the computer and deal with scholarship stuff but for some reason, the system would not allow me to sign up. Sometimes, when I go to the library to complete a task and either I finish it quickly or am unable to complete it, I walk over to the manga section and pretend like I am actually looking for something. Like I came to the library for a purpose, not just to see if people are there. And after looking like I have a purpose for a long enough time, I walk away.

But I didn't this time.

Instead, I picked up Nana Vol. 11 (which took forever to get to the library. The collection went from10 to 12 -_-;) and started reading it. I was at the library from 3 until 7:30. I read 3 volumes. 3. No breaks in between.

I left the library and I realized that I'd wasted my time. I spent 4 and a half hours--OHMYGOSH, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS?! Reading MANGAS! And the content was not even edifying. The things in those particular pages were not of God and were not what I should be feeding my mind with. And the plot took a lame direction anyway. You know, I used to think that life outside my manga-anime realm would be so dull and lame. But I started living once I gave it up. I am so glad I'm blogging about this x).

So here's how things used to be.

I wanna say it began when I was around 7. I rediscovered my passion for Sailor Moon and started hanging pictures and idolizing the characters. Then I got really into DBZ again and idolized the characters of other animes like Digimon and Pokemon. I collected pictures I printed out from the library and hung some up on walls. I still have some somewhere. My passion slowed down a little bit in '03/'04, but it was revived when I took a trip down to Florida and met a cousin who was gung-hoe about anime. During that visit I saw Spirited Away and all three Sailor Moon movies. And since then, it's been on fire until around 2008. Even into 2009. I never thought I'd stop being an anime fan. It was my refuge. It is so easy to get lost in an manga.

And the Japanese anime entered my head too. Different scenarios played in my head and I would waste my hours dreaming up alternate scenes to the ones I saw on TV. It was my escape, my outlet. And in a very real way, my god.

I knew something was wrong. I couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how I tried. I tried to suppress my conscience and my gut which were telling me that these things were my idols and that was not right. Only God knows how I got to the place where I am now in terms of my Christian walk with Him. I was so bound and so far from Christ. Like, I believed in Him but I was not willing to give up my lifestyle. At some point, I wanted to change my habit but I felt this was my only getaway, my only outlet. After awhile, I was fantasizing whenever I had free time. It was a distraction that consumed my life.

And then there was a new distraction: Jeremy.

And he consumed my thoughts. And when I went through that painful experience March of 2009, anime couldn't save me. Thoughts of Sesshomaru, Kouga, Ichigo could deliver me. I couldn't bury myself in a manga and be okay. Because when I'd finish that volume, I'd be hit by reality again. God brought me through, God was with me 24/7, God was real. Not a figment of my imagination. I did not even attempt to retreat to my fantasy realm when I was hurt by Jeremy. I'm glad that I knew to run straight to the Father.

So after reading the mangas, I thought "Why am I doing this?" My brother was locked out of the apartment from 3 pm to 7:15 because I was in manga world. I realized what a waste of time it is for me and how much it crowds and clutters my mind. In and of themselves, mangas and anime are not bad. It could be a very positive outlet for some people. But for me, anime is an addictive drug which cannot be handled in moderation.

So what should you take from my story? Anything outside of God is LAME. That's not even the word. It's damaging to the human spirit. And no matter what you are bound by, God can bring you through it. Even if you think that there is nothing better than where you are at now, God will open your eyes. Even if you think that life sucks and will never improve, God will show you how dead wrong you are. I walked out of that library thankful that I delight in Christ and thankful that I am in Him and that I left that life behind. I am so glad I know God!

And you can know Him too.

Take heart! Where there is God, there is hope for a brighter, meaningful, joyful, loving LIFE.

With much love,
Janell

♥ Anniversary ♥

Today is a special day.

1) It's my one year anniversary of creating a Blogger account :D

But more importantly...

ME AND JESUS MAKE THREE YEARS TODAY!

It was three years ago on Good Friday that I went under the water and "married" Christ. I was 15. And God has brought me so far. I remember last year when I couldn't even praise His name. Like, I was sitting in the ACPC room with the CADETS and I couldn't say "Hallelujah." Like, the words physically would not come out of my mouth. Now, I go to Bronx Bethany and I shout out the words. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!! And I'm with people that worship Him in song and life and in words. And they are not afraid to profess their faith. God, help me to tell others about you!

I woke up coughing riduculously this morning (I left the window slightly open and my pink zip-up was zipped down (lol) halfway). So after spitting and coughing and spitting and coughing, I started talking to God. I actually started last night. I read Luke 22:39-46 in Joel Osteen's Hope For Today Bible. I did not intend to read the side note that Joel I assume wrote because I think he focuses too much on the happy-go-lucky, prosperous aspect of Christianity and not the hard-to-follow truths. But you know, Joel has some good things to say. Like, God through Joel helped me to break the addiction of sucking my fingers (that was HARD). And what Joel had to say brought tears to my eyes last night.

I've been "bleh" lately. And maybe part of the reason is because I have not had anything to distract me from myself. I haven't been busy. Things have been weighing me down. Well, not weighing, but hovering over me. The men in my family are not saved. The woman in my family don't trust God fully (not in action; ex. tithing and putting their future in His hands). I feel conflicted and confused and hypocritcal. I still have to go through high school. I have no idea what my future is going to be like. I just feel so empty and blah-zay. That last sentence is probably just 'cause I am bored.

But I do feel conflicted. Like, I feel like I'm two different people. And that happens naturally. I don't try to be two different people; it's effortless. You have the me that I am at home and the me that I am outside. Angry, happy. Impatient, tolerant. Intolerant, giddy and hyper. It bugs me. And I should have more love for my family, not my friends. But that's not the case.

So these conflicting characteristics upset me. If I had a few more negative experiences and some more intense ones, I'd probably have split personality disorder. That's not even a joke. So getting over this is going to be pretty hard. But here's what Joel said:

"There he told them, 'Pray that you will not give in to temptation'" (Luke 22:40).

When Jesus told His disciples to pray about temptation, He didn't say, "Pray that you'll never be tempted." No, we all face temptation. But God says, "When temptation comes, ask Me for help." In any area that you're trying to change, even small things, just simply pray, "God, I'm asking You to help me make the best choice. Help me stay on Your best plan."

Yes, resisting temptation takes effort. It takes discipline. But the benefits far outweigh the work. It's so much worse to live in bondage. It's hard feeling bad about yourself, living below your potential. There is nothing worse than going through the day weighed down by habits that used to be temptations but are now part of your life.

Today you may be struggling with addictions or with your temper or with being impatient. Truthfully, you may have given up the struggle. Now you are dragging around in mediocrity, allowing something so small to control you. Let me tell you what you already know---you are better than that. You're a child of the Most High God. You have His royal blood flowing through your veins. Don't you dare just sit back and settle where you are. There is not an obstacle in your life that you cannot overcome, large or small. It doesn't matter if it's a critical spirit or if you're addicted to cocaine, the Power that's in you is greater than the power that's trying to hold you back. Dig your heels in and fight the good fight of faith. Don't let that thing master you. Keep the attitude, "That's it. I'm not staying where I am. I'm coming up higher. I know I'm better than this. God has a much better life for me to live."

I believe that God was definitely speaking to me through Joel. God's going to help me get through. And I know He will, because He's done it before. I couldn't praise Him last year; I can praise Him now. Last year, I had low self-esteem. A year later, thanks to Him, it's higher. I know that I deserve better. I don't know when the God in me will overcome the negative power holding me back. But I know it will happen. It will happen.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you so much. And I pray that I will not stop praising You and glorifying Your name and giving You thanks and living a life that honors YOU. May We keep on going for another three years and I pray that three years from now, this issue will be behind me, desposited in the Well of Experience and that the lessons I learn will be deposited in the Well of Wisdom. Help me to pray for Your help when I am tempted Lord so that I do not give in to sin. And help me to respect those who You have put in place to shepherd Your people.

Amen.

For Thought

A female's heart should be so lost in Christ that a male has to seek Him in order to find her.

Amazing Faith

Yeah, so I guess I was totally lazy and did not post up the other college descriptions. Eh, still a little lazy xD. Yesterday, I took my SAT. I am so glad it's over! It was so long, 10 sections, about 4 hours. A 4 hour test! That should be illegal, it sounds so unreasonable and irrational! Ugh whatever, it's done, at least until October. I took it at Truman High School and it was like a 180 reunion and a Spellman get-together at the same time. Too many familiar faces. Freeeaaaky.

So Friday morning, I was being really silly. I was reading IM convos that I used to have with my ex-boyfriend. Irony of everything was really funny. Like, I told him "You have to promise not to stab me in the back because I'm gonna say something cheesy that'll make me vulnerable." He said "I promise." Then I was like "If you were to die, I would cry harder than your mother because she at least has one other child, but I only have one best friend." We weren't dating at this point, but I find it funny that a) he did stab me in the back (more like the heart) and b) we aren't friends anymore xD. It's funny, but at the same time it's sad 'cause it's crazy that after everything, this is where we wound up. Two extremely distant people who at one point were so close. It's unfortunate, but what can you do? Answer: Just move on. God has my back, so I'm good =)

On another note, Thursday was quite a day. I was at Bank Street for the College Writing Workshop. Joel and Lauren found out that Jeremy and I went out and the things they said really put me in a good mood. The first thing Lauren said was "You didn't lose anything." lol, it was really cool. And Joel was astonished, her face was hilarious. She couldn't see why I even bothered. lol. They didn't bash him ridiculously, but they were basically saying that I can do better. They were voicing something I have already concluded: "I can do better, I can do better. HUGH!" (Avril song I Can Do Better XD). Thanks guys. And Luis's poetry is amazing, oh my gosh! Like, he did some improv. and my eyes welled up. It was so real xD. The topic was ex-boyfriends. lol, typing this all out makes it seem like I'm not over Jeremy, but it's just that he's come up randomly in the past few days. In my head and in conversations 0_0. Strange... But anyway, Luis's poems are amazing. I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't do something with his work. Do you here me Luis? You are too good not to do anything!!!
But the biggest thing that made my Thursday was the train ride home. I was on the 2 train, and this guy comes on the train. He apologized for disturbing us and then told his story. He is HIV positive and left the homeless shelter where he was at, for he was beaten and robbed. His family won't speak to him. He's getting his paperwork and stuff together I guess so that he can get housing, but in the meantime he's living on the streets. He said that he uses his gift for reciting original poetry in asking for donations. When he started his poem, it wasn't anything dynamic, not in terms of how he recited it or the words he used. It wasn't like Luis's where you are just awed that he was able to come up with this stuff. Naw, this poem was very simple. What was dynamic about this poem was the subject of it. A little ways into it, he used the the word "He" referring to God. Then I heard "Lord" and "Jesus." He was saying that Jesus is always with him and that that's where he finds strength and comfort. Basically that's what he was saying. I gave him the dollar I was gonna spend on ice cream. I wish I had like 5 to give him. It was amazing! That feeling I felt after he said his poem. I was so touched. Here is a man in such a terrible situation. The man is dying. Dying. But you know what he's doing? He praising God through his poetry. And it was absolutely different from your typical testimony. A typical testimony talks about how God brought someone through something. How they went through a trying time, but God carried them out. Those are awesome, but this one was different. In this case, the guy is still in his trial; he's still in deep trouble. And you know what he's doing? Reciting poetry about God. Man, that touched me so much. So many other people in his situation would turn away from God, reject Him. Blame Him for their situation. But what is this guy doing? Praising His name through poetry! I can't get over that, it's amazing! And though it was simpler, his poem hit me way harder than Luis's. I welled up with Luis's poem; with this guy I sobbed. Awh man did I sob! I sobbed walking home from the train station, truly amazed by this man's story. God is so amazing. I can imagine the peace that man is experiencing right now. Do I want a faith like that! Amazing faith. That should be a song xD. I should have asked for the guy's name again. Damn! I think it was Joseph. So guys, please pray for Joseph. God, that was amazing. Thank You that I got to hear his story.

So yeah, I'll end my rambling there :)

Love of the Present, Love of the Future

Mr Fel. read this prayer out of our workbook on Thursday and I absolutely had to make a copy of it. God was totally speaking to me through these words:

Wait until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly to Me alone.

I love you, my child. But until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another as you desire to be until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and belongings.

I want you to stop planning and stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists - one that you can't imagine. I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.

Just keep your eyes on Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I AM.
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
You must be patient.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things others have.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking at Me, or you will miss what I want to give you.

And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could ever dream. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready ... until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me ... and this is perfect love.

You know, life is hard. Like, really hard. But it's not impossible. And I can keep going because God is always there and He loves me immensely. Love makes life a bit more bearable =]