Letting Go Of Who I've Held Onto

My heart hurts!

Yesterday, I had to cut off my relationship with Garnett. God showed me that he was becoming an idol, and I need to redirect my focus back to God.

It's pretty crazy how God showed me; the revelation was well coordinated. It's crazy how much He will teach you before some trials even start.

On Monday, the 26th of Sept, I went to Estefani and Akua's room to visit them and Lacy and Camille (Estefani made salsa that they ran out of before I got there). I did not intend to stay long, but it crazy how God guided the conversation to one about identity. And a lot of wheels were just turning as I was thinking about my identity in a new light. I can't even totally remember what came up, but all I remember is that a lot of what we talked about involved Stephen and my relationship with him. Estefani brought up at one point during the conversation that she had never heard me talk about my parents. And I was raving about how annoyed I am at the fact that Garnett is so relevant in a lot of the conversations that I have with people, even people that I just meet. Then Lacy suggested that I see him as a parental figure. And then it went into a discussion about always wanting a brother, always wanting to be protected and how Stephen just fit that role incredibly well. And yada yada.

Then on Tuesday, Andy Bertodatti hit me up to see how things were in Bing. And we spoke a lot about vision, what God's doing, InterVarsity, and evangelism. It was incredibly refreshing and exciting, I think the best conversation we've had actually. Then on Tuesday night, Jon Ye hit me up and we chatted in my room for a while. The subject of our conversation was community, and God was getting my mind thinking about that too. I realized that I live for reactions instead of for responses when it comes to community. Reactions are temporary, responses more long term. I live for the "Janell is so cool"s and the "I love Janell"s and "Janell is so funny!"s. I don't seek long-term relationships, and that manifests itself in the way I act around people. I only care if they like me.

These were 3 conversation that happened over the span of about 24 hours. And so I was wondering how these were all related. And Jon Ye helped me see a thread: Something to the effect of, "You have to be rooted in your identity in order to be in community and you need the community in order to evangelize....." so'em like that. But there was still the question Why are these conversations happening? And what I was reminded of through this 3-convo experience also is that God is the One who initiates change. I give a lot of credit to human effort, more than is do. I recognize the problem in me or in the world and I pray to God to change that character flaw or situation. But I have to recognize it before anything can really happen. But God is teaching me that He sees the issue first, and then He brings it to my attention. He starts the process, the initiator of change and transformation. I was not even aware about my serious identity/community issue - God had to show me the problem.

Phew. A lot to type.

So here comes Thursday. I hang out with Jerry and God just goes in! I was met with brutal honesty and a call to obey God be walking away from my relationship with Garnett. Scary! My relationship with him was skewed and not at all bringing glory to God. I have prayed, whenever I was unsure/felt a little iffy about me and Garnett, that God's will be done. That our relationship would be what He wants it to be. And God is doing just that. He is being glorified through the ending of our relationship.

Why/How is God being glorified through its ending? God is showing me how much of a distraction Garnett was to me and how much of an idol he was. I was having my issues with things between us i.e. there were times where I felt I fully could not be myself/express myself around him, but to me that was an isolated issue. But God was like "No, it actually is affecting everything else." I have not been able to give my best to God because I have been serving two masters. Jerry put it that what we have is not a friendship because I am seeking to get things from him that he can't give and he's seeking to give me things that he doesn't have. And Lacy said two days ago, in response to me expressing that I feel like a pathetic puppy (because this is all one-sided and unrequited), that she doesn't see a puppy but a girl with a big heart and big hearts who is looking in the wrong place. I bring those two comments up because the idolization is two-faced: Yes, I put Stephen on a pedestal, but it's also (maybe even more so?) that I idolize the relationship. I use it to fill a need that I have in my heart: to be fully accepted, protected by, and loved by someone. And in that way, Garnett was usurping (unknowingly, I hope he does not look like a jerk here) God. God was being usurped again by a guy. What the heck Janell! I was using Garnett to fill a void in me that only God can totally fill! And I did not realize I was doing that.

Jerry told me something that I objected to at first, but it is probably true. He said that while I am hurting and struggling with this, God is going to be right there. I won't have to even struggle to pull Him down to me. It was probably harder to get Garnett/this relationship with Garnett to be so close to me that to get God to be close to me. And that hit me/offended me/was hard for me to believe at first. Did I really force God out of the way?

It's crazy to realize the wrong I've done. It's like in Acts 2 when Peter is preaching to the people and he tells them that they killed the Messiah, the Chosen One of God. They were cut to the heart when they realized what they had done. And how merciful is God that His answer is only to repent and be baptized!

So anyway, through my conversation with Jerry, God explained to me why He brought up issues of my identity, vision and evangelism, and community. He told me that my relationship with Garnett was blocking all 3 of them. It was literally eclipsing these and preventing progress. And the relationship had to go in order for me to grow. My relationship with him was not an isolated issue, oh no. It prevented me from leading small group freely, from being missional on my floor, from investing in my relationships with other people, from focusing on my school work. I spent so many hours with him! Seeking for him to fulfill me in ways that of course he could not have! And it wasn't for him to.

And how did it even get that far? Because one thing that I realized is that there has definitely been a change in pace of our relationship. I was watching maybe a little over a minute of a video I did on 12.4.2010 and I'm like, when I was thinking about Stephen back then, it was just a really bad crush. All I talked about was how much I liked him. And now that sentiment has become more subtle, but so dangerous. What God showed me yesterday is that the way I view myself and community is so broken! Whenever I think of the very close friends I have, Stephen is always the first person that comes to mind. Why? Because he has seen the awesome and not-so-awesome parts of me yet still accepts all of me. He takes after me as a little sister, no matter how annoying I get. And it amazes me that someone outside of my family would do that. And so I gripped this relationship because I never thought that I'd ever find another person like that, or at least not many of them exist. Everybody talks about how cool I am, but I felt like if they knew the darkest and dankest parts of me, they would no longer. So it amazed me that this guy could see me at my worst and still accept me. But that's God right there! And God is so much better at accepting me for me than anybody could ever be! So my fulfillment needs to come from Him. But also, with the Body of Christ, I have to trust it more. I need to be vulnerable not just with my pain but also with my shameful flaws. I need to allow the Body to love me totally and not count it out or undermine it. Garnett is not the only person who can accept me. He is not a special-edition human that God created. I need to allow the community to love me and seek to build up other relationships within it.

So yesterday, I told Garnett that God showed me things about our relationship that are not pleasing to him and that He is calling me to withdraw. It was pretty much that announcement. And then he texted me about 5 minutes later: "Don't feel bad or worry about my feelings when you're following God's directive. No matter how far away you go your always my sister." And then I bawled so hard. My response? "Thanks Stephen." But that was a total understatement to the gratitude and appreciation for him that I had. And I don't know if that overflow of gratitude was a feeling I should have felt (because we feel extreme gratitude to God; is this overflow of appreciation another evidence that my priorities were screwed up?), but I was definitely heart-broken. And I don't think I've fully realized how much our relationship will change because God definitely is not in possession of my heart even in this moment. I keep on thinking of when will be cool again/close again. But that may never be. And I have not come to the point where I am okay with that.

LORD!!!!!!

I want to fall more in love with YOU! I want to let go of all that I have held on to and count it all as loss in comparison to You, my treasure! I thank You for this trial, that You are calling me right back to You. That You are disciplining me; I know that You love me. Please bless me with joy like none I have known yet and with a peace that transcends comprehension. I want to love You Lord. Eclipse this affliction with Your glory. Praise be to the God who gives and who takes away. I worship You Father, in the midst of the storm. Hallelujah! Praise Yahweh! I give myself to You, bruise me to use me and accomplish Your good and perfect work.

Amen.

So yup, that's mi life at the moment. May God get glory through my life story. Amen.

4:50 pm.

The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.