Letting Go Of Who I've Held Onto

My heart hurts!

Yesterday, I had to cut off my relationship with Garnett. God showed me that he was becoming an idol, and I need to redirect my focus back to God.

It's pretty crazy how God showed me; the revelation was well coordinated. It's crazy how much He will teach you before some trials even start.

On Monday, the 26th of Sept, I went to Estefani and Akua's room to visit them and Lacy and Camille (Estefani made salsa that they ran out of before I got there). I did not intend to stay long, but it crazy how God guided the conversation to one about identity. And a lot of wheels were just turning as I was thinking about my identity in a new light. I can't even totally remember what came up, but all I remember is that a lot of what we talked about involved Stephen and my relationship with him. Estefani brought up at one point during the conversation that she had never heard me talk about my parents. And I was raving about how annoyed I am at the fact that Garnett is so relevant in a lot of the conversations that I have with people, even people that I just meet. Then Lacy suggested that I see him as a parental figure. And then it went into a discussion about always wanting a brother, always wanting to be protected and how Stephen just fit that role incredibly well. And yada yada.

Then on Tuesday, Andy Bertodatti hit me up to see how things were in Bing. And we spoke a lot about vision, what God's doing, InterVarsity, and evangelism. It was incredibly refreshing and exciting, I think the best conversation we've had actually. Then on Tuesday night, Jon Ye hit me up and we chatted in my room for a while. The subject of our conversation was community, and God was getting my mind thinking about that too. I realized that I live for reactions instead of for responses when it comes to community. Reactions are temporary, responses more long term. I live for the "Janell is so cool"s and the "I love Janell"s and "Janell is so funny!"s. I don't seek long-term relationships, and that manifests itself in the way I act around people. I only care if they like me.

These were 3 conversation that happened over the span of about 24 hours. And so I was wondering how these were all related. And Jon Ye helped me see a thread: Something to the effect of, "You have to be rooted in your identity in order to be in community and you need the community in order to evangelize....." so'em like that. But there was still the question Why are these conversations happening? And what I was reminded of through this 3-convo experience also is that God is the One who initiates change. I give a lot of credit to human effort, more than is do. I recognize the problem in me or in the world and I pray to God to change that character flaw or situation. But I have to recognize it before anything can really happen. But God is teaching me that He sees the issue first, and then He brings it to my attention. He starts the process, the initiator of change and transformation. I was not even aware about my serious identity/community issue - God had to show me the problem.

Phew. A lot to type.

So here comes Thursday. I hang out with Jerry and God just goes in! I was met with brutal honesty and a call to obey God be walking away from my relationship with Garnett. Scary! My relationship with him was skewed and not at all bringing glory to God. I have prayed, whenever I was unsure/felt a little iffy about me and Garnett, that God's will be done. That our relationship would be what He wants it to be. And God is doing just that. He is being glorified through the ending of our relationship.

Why/How is God being glorified through its ending? God is showing me how much of a distraction Garnett was to me and how much of an idol he was. I was having my issues with things between us i.e. there were times where I felt I fully could not be myself/express myself around him, but to me that was an isolated issue. But God was like "No, it actually is affecting everything else." I have not been able to give my best to God because I have been serving two masters. Jerry put it that what we have is not a friendship because I am seeking to get things from him that he can't give and he's seeking to give me things that he doesn't have. And Lacy said two days ago, in response to me expressing that I feel like a pathetic puppy (because this is all one-sided and unrequited), that she doesn't see a puppy but a girl with a big heart and big hearts who is looking in the wrong place. I bring those two comments up because the idolization is two-faced: Yes, I put Stephen on a pedestal, but it's also (maybe even more so?) that I idolize the relationship. I use it to fill a need that I have in my heart: to be fully accepted, protected by, and loved by someone. And in that way, Garnett was usurping (unknowingly, I hope he does not look like a jerk here) God. God was being usurped again by a guy. What the heck Janell! I was using Garnett to fill a void in me that only God can totally fill! And I did not realize I was doing that.

Jerry told me something that I objected to at first, but it is probably true. He said that while I am hurting and struggling with this, God is going to be right there. I won't have to even struggle to pull Him down to me. It was probably harder to get Garnett/this relationship with Garnett to be so close to me that to get God to be close to me. And that hit me/offended me/was hard for me to believe at first. Did I really force God out of the way?

It's crazy to realize the wrong I've done. It's like in Acts 2 when Peter is preaching to the people and he tells them that they killed the Messiah, the Chosen One of God. They were cut to the heart when they realized what they had done. And how merciful is God that His answer is only to repent and be baptized!

So anyway, through my conversation with Jerry, God explained to me why He brought up issues of my identity, vision and evangelism, and community. He told me that my relationship with Garnett was blocking all 3 of them. It was literally eclipsing these and preventing progress. And the relationship had to go in order for me to grow. My relationship with him was not an isolated issue, oh no. It prevented me from leading small group freely, from being missional on my floor, from investing in my relationships with other people, from focusing on my school work. I spent so many hours with him! Seeking for him to fulfill me in ways that of course he could not have! And it wasn't for him to.

And how did it even get that far? Because one thing that I realized is that there has definitely been a change in pace of our relationship. I was watching maybe a little over a minute of a video I did on 12.4.2010 and I'm like, when I was thinking about Stephen back then, it was just a really bad crush. All I talked about was how much I liked him. And now that sentiment has become more subtle, but so dangerous. What God showed me yesterday is that the way I view myself and community is so broken! Whenever I think of the very close friends I have, Stephen is always the first person that comes to mind. Why? Because he has seen the awesome and not-so-awesome parts of me yet still accepts all of me. He takes after me as a little sister, no matter how annoying I get. And it amazes me that someone outside of my family would do that. And so I gripped this relationship because I never thought that I'd ever find another person like that, or at least not many of them exist. Everybody talks about how cool I am, but I felt like if they knew the darkest and dankest parts of me, they would no longer. So it amazed me that this guy could see me at my worst and still accept me. But that's God right there! And God is so much better at accepting me for me than anybody could ever be! So my fulfillment needs to come from Him. But also, with the Body of Christ, I have to trust it more. I need to be vulnerable not just with my pain but also with my shameful flaws. I need to allow the Body to love me totally and not count it out or undermine it. Garnett is not the only person who can accept me. He is not a special-edition human that God created. I need to allow the community to love me and seek to build up other relationships within it.

So yesterday, I told Garnett that God showed me things about our relationship that are not pleasing to him and that He is calling me to withdraw. It was pretty much that announcement. And then he texted me about 5 minutes later: "Don't feel bad or worry about my feelings when you're following God's directive. No matter how far away you go your always my sister." And then I bawled so hard. My response? "Thanks Stephen." But that was a total understatement to the gratitude and appreciation for him that I had. And I don't know if that overflow of gratitude was a feeling I should have felt (because we feel extreme gratitude to God; is this overflow of appreciation another evidence that my priorities were screwed up?), but I was definitely heart-broken. And I don't think I've fully realized how much our relationship will change because God definitely is not in possession of my heart even in this moment. I keep on thinking of when will be cool again/close again. But that may never be. And I have not come to the point where I am okay with that.

LORD!!!!!!

I want to fall more in love with YOU! I want to let go of all that I have held on to and count it all as loss in comparison to You, my treasure! I thank You for this trial, that You are calling me right back to You. That You are disciplining me; I know that You love me. Please bless me with joy like none I have known yet and with a peace that transcends comprehension. I want to love You Lord. Eclipse this affliction with Your glory. Praise be to the God who gives and who takes away. I worship You Father, in the midst of the storm. Hallelujah! Praise Yahweh! I give myself to You, bruise me to use me and accomplish Your good and perfect work.

Amen.

So yup, that's mi life at the moment. May God get glory through my life story. Amen.

4:50 pm.

The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.

Recap of my 18th Year of Life

Technically, I am still 18 for I was born at 3 am. Time to do a recap!

Let's see. This year has been incredibly BIG. I graduated high school, started college, joined Intervarsity. I did the SSS summer program over the summer (duh), and even though I do not warm up to the program as much as I thought I would, it was still an awesome week for me. I had my trunk party in August. Got a scholarship from MCU bank, as well as from the Bethlehem Alumni Association. Performed at the Spellman talent show and won 2nd place, behind the F.Y.I. and before Jasmine and Kevin's performance (though we thought that Brian, Paolo, Cheryl, and Josh should have gotten third). 18, the year that we had an awesome Crazy For You reunion in Central Park. That was a great day. The year that I also went to go so see the Jonas Brothers live for Good Morning America - not as great a day. The year that I won the Spellman Alumni Award. The year I also got so much money that I did not know what to do with it. The year when I called Jeremy after graduation and asked "What happened to us?" and ended an a less arbitrary note with him. The year when I saw him again at the Cardinals Player's production of Hairspray and we embraced warmly. The year I saw my play brothers and sisters in Hairspray and was thoroughly proud of them.

Man, a lot of things happened in a year.

18 was a year in which God was truly revamping the way I live the Christian life. He was increasing my capacity to be bold through challenging me to share the gospel openly with strangers (Love Out Loud - November 5, 2010. Also conversational evangelism). He made me aware of the overwhelming sin evident in the slavery in the world. He taught me why the world is like that and through Greg Jao, He taught me that He understands our pains. This was the year when God blessed me with an older brother, Stephen. This was also the year when God totally WASHED OVER me with His presence and GREAT LOVE on December 9, 2010 when I was totally overwhelmed with the heaviness of my crush. This was the year where the issues with Grace Baptist Chapel became even more evident and I became so frustrated that I wrote a letter to the church. The year that I met cool people like Tuttle, Angie, Heewon, Sunroot, Carrie, Debs and so many other awesome peeps in the fellowship. The year I went on NYCUP where God began teaching me how to truly love His creation, people created in His image and likeness. He began making heart-knowledge the fact the HE is in control, not me. Things will not always turn out how I would like or expect, but that's okay. He began making heart-knowledge the fact that I have to do things in His strength, not my own. And ever recently, He has begun making heart knowledge the fact I must trust in His supreme understanding and wisdom and lay my burdens down.

This week has been one of the most fluctuating weeks of my life. I got a 92 on my Stats exam and was sharing about the awesome experience that was NYCUP. I also got a week extension on a paper that was due Tuesday the 29th of March. But I could not find sufficient time to do it, I got my period, and Jeffrey hung himself yesterday. And today's my birthday! What a way to end 18. Anyway.

This is the year where the dynamic of my family has been changing as well. That will become more evident this year though. It will be interesting.

Year that I got to share my faith with Randy. Year when God began deepening my understanding of prayer and its POWER. Year I met Andy B. and Neil and Jack. Year I joined CBF and met Dave and Elizabeth. Year I went on Expedition and the 2 IV chapter retreats. Year I was an Emmaus leader. Year I went to Luke and Crystal's wedding <3 Year I had an EXTREMELY huge crush on that guy. Yeah.

There is so much that I am leaving out I'm sure. But there are blogs and videos about my life as an 18 year old. Ooh, also the year where I was legitimately surprised for my 19th birthday (I'm tech. still 18 for the next 28 minutes xD). Peeps showed up at LateNite Bing and sang to me. Year of challenging conversations with non-Christians (Jordan, Jeremy C., Turtle, Randy, my philosophy professor).

Lord, I thank You for another year of life. And even though I am really weird at the moment, hurting over the loss of Jeffrey yet able to be sane and composed extremely quickly, I thank You for how You will bring good out of this pain for those that love the Lord. May more of Your creation love You Lord. Be with us as we suffer and help us to know that You understand our pain so completely. SO completely. I thank You for the things that You are teaching me and for the recent abundant blessing of heart-knowledge. Hallelujah. I will praise You in this storm.

In Christ's Name,
Let it be so.

2:47 AM

Random Clarity or Clarifying Random?

lol.

So I was just reading the last post where I am complaining about how much pain I was in and I'm thinking Wow, I'm a wimp. Jesus went through way crazier! It's really hard to think like that when you are in pain though.

Moreover, I wanted to explain a little bit what I mean about the spiritual discomfort I expressed. I was referring mostly to the stuff about the philosophy class I am taking. And also I guess stuff about the New Student Outreach (NSO) event on Tuesday (-__-). Was not the greatest success. But one guy checked every box on the contact card, so that is truly awesome. Yeah... that is all I really remember, but I'm sure there was more to it than that. This is why documenting details in the moment is so important!

Going to nap now, core meeting at 7. Ttfn!

(Wow, that piece of info. was an unnecessary part of the blog 0_0)
-Salmon out

Blessed be Your Glorious Name

So it is 1:10 in the AM and I have been in a state of discomfort for the past 2 and a half hours. This semester, I decided that I was going to try my best to get as close to 8 hours of sleep as possible. But that is impossible when your period cramps keep you awake! I mean, I used to be able to go to sleep while still in pain, but it's not happening this time. And I just took medication about 1/2 an hour ago, 2 midols and a 8 oz bottle of water from Jacey. Please kick in faster. It's times like these where I really resent Eve. If she just hadn't eaten the apple from that stupid tree, I wouldn't have to worry about flippin' labor pains. It HURTS! And I wanna sleep!!! I went to bed at 10:47, 10:47!!!! Man Lord, why? Ugh, I can't even concentrate on You when the pain is so great. And I am mad tired, but I just can't sleep! I think this physical pain is a manifestation of my spiritual discomfort at the moment, with all the spiritual challenges I've been hit with lately. I am unsettled and cannot get peace and rest. And then ploop, I have unsettling cramps and cannot sleep. Ahhhh, my iPod has been going forever, how depressing would it be if it died before I fell asleep? Not cool.

Lord Jesus, PLEASE help fall asleep despite these persistent cramps. Help me stick it out and hang onto You despite the pain. Lord help me. And Jesus, please help me stay awake in my 8:30 and 10:05 class tomorrow. Oh my gosh, please bless my efforts and help me to get through my classes and the day, even though I won't get my full 8 hours of rest. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord in the land that is plentiful.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord though I walk through the wilderness.
You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say:
"Lord, blessed be Your Name!"

Blessed be Your Glorious Name.

You are the Truth, You are the Life, You are the Way

Ugh, I hate feeling this way. So conflicted!

So this week is the first week of classes. Yesterday I had Sociology 100B and Psych 112 (Psych Lab). They weren't bad. At 8:30 this morning, I had Psych 243 which is Psych Stats. They were not bad at all, I actually really like my classes. Except for Intro to Asian Philosophy. My God is that class spiritually upsetting! I sit in this class and I am hearing the views of these other philosophers, things like "God is the deepest part of the self... God is who you, and everybody else, really are."

WHAT???!!!

It is spiritually repulsive. I do not like sitting in that class at all. And then I see the people in my class, listening intently and possessing faces of interest. At what level of interest, I suppose they vary. Some looking for a philosophy to follow, some adamant about their own beliefs (me), others just wanting to learn about Asian philosophy, and others just wanting to learn about their culture/own philosophical beliefs in this course. Ah boy, I do not know if I can take this class. So many questions arise such as "Is there merit to what they believe? These are philosophies that existed before Jesus even came to Earth. How can there be blame that they came up with these thoughts of God when there was no knowledge of the Hebrew God presented to them?" Or "Am I a Christian just because Christianity is all that was presented before me in my life?" I do not want to follow Christ because He is all I know or because other people follow Him. That is not at all a basis to do anything. There is no thinking for the self in that situation. But then, just because Christianity is the only way of life that I have been exposed to does not mean that it is not the truth. That is a silly notion. But I bring this latter question up because I just want to be rooted in my faith not on the basis that many others believe or because it's all I've known. That is shallow and narrow. I want to fear Jesus Christ because He is the Right Way, because He is the Truth, because there is True Life in Him. I want to fear Jesus because He is the only way to GOD (defined as the Creator of the Universe--- not as an ant -____-). HALLELUJAH. Praise Yahweh! Please help me Lord. Keep me FIRM and STEADFAST in You. Give me boldness and strength. EMPOWER me Holy Spirit! Holy, HOLY Spirit, for that is what You are! HOLY!

Into MARVELOUS LIGHT! I'm running!
Out of Darkness! Out of Shame!
By the CROSS YOU are the TRUTH!
You are the LIFE!
You are the WAY!

Hallelujah to the King of Kings!
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Hallelujah to the Lord of Lords!
He is the GREAT I AM!!!!!

He is our King!
He is our Love!
He our God Who's come to bring us back to Him!
He is the One!
He is JESUS!

Thank You Lord. I want to praise and worship You all of the days of my life. Root me in YOU oh Lord. And may my declaration of Your Lordship not be shallow, but a true and deep knowing of Your Glory, Sovereignty, and Supremacy. I do not now if I will have future doubts or more deep troublings in my spirit, but I pray that You will comfort and encourage me through it all. Oh no, please never let go, through the calm and through the storm, in every high and low. NEVER let go of me Jesus.

Thank You Lord.

b-o-r-e-d

Currently Listening to Stellar Kart's Newest Album "Everything is Different Now"

I am so bored. I got to Binghamton yesterday at around 2 pm and there was hardly anybody on my floor. It was really weird coming back to life at Bing. after being at home for 5 weeks. Stephen said that after the summer it's even weirder; I can imagine.

So because I am so bored, I decided to blog (lol, when all attempts to occupy self fail, you can always rely on YouTube and blogging. But blogging more so). Hmmmm, what's been on my mind lately? Oh, I am super bummed that Stephen is not at Bing this semester. Total downer. I've also been really contemplating how much I want to grow as a Christian this year. I want to be bolder and have greater discernment. I want to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I'll be more sensitive to what He's saying to me or telling me to do. More sync, less confusion/questions about what God wants me to do. I also very much want to have a greater faith and trust in God. I hung out with Roschelle this past Wednesday and she said that if she can trust God with the destination of her soul and believes that He is the Great Everything, if God tells her to tell a man that God loves Him she should be able to trust God on that level as well. And that is so true. I sing all the time that I trust in You and this year I realized that I really don't. 'Cause if I did, there would not be so much hesitation to do the things You tell me to do Lord. Please increase my faith and make me ever sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Hallelujah.

Ugh, joy killed. I have to call Pastor, for my mother says so -____-
God, help me in this phone conversation with Pastor. Help me to be humble. Guide the words that come out of my mouth, 'cause I have no idea what I am going to say. And please help me not to harbor so much resentment against him. That is not Christ-like at all.

Oh sigh.
Jesus please help me.

So that is the important stuff running through my mind at the moment. Classes start Monday, and I am ready to kick butt! But until then, I shall... figure out things to do.

Toodles.

-Salmon Out