Bus Ride Thoughts

So at present, I am riding on the bus from Binghamton to NYC for Easter Break. The wifi is actually working on this Shortline bus (amazing) - hopefully it doesn't conk out. If it does, I'm sleeping.

Anyway, these past four weeks have been incredibly turbulent. From NYCUP to drooping feelings the week after NYCUP, to Jeffrey's death and my birthday to crazy peace about his death this past week. So much to reflect upon and thaw out.

On Friday the 8th at around 2:30 in the morning, I left Johnson (my dorm hall) to catch the 3:05 bus (that actually left at like 3:30) to go to Manhattan. I was heading home to go to Jeffrey's wake that day and funeral the next morning. I came back to Bing Saturday the 9th.
That was a really interesting weekend. Interesting, I say, because of the nature of it: extremely sad in it's beginning and middle and at peace at the end. The main thing that I had been struggling with was the destination of Jeffrey's soul. Besides asking over and over again, "Why?", I also kept asking God "Where?". That question was hurting me. I could not even fully appreciate the songs that talked about God being there with me in the midst of the storm because all I kept asking in pain was "God, did Jeffrey know you were there for him?".

Okay, I'm falling asleep, I'll finish this later.
-Salmon

Recap of my 18th Year of Life

Technically, I am still 18 for I was born at 3 am. Time to do a recap!

Let's see. This year has been incredibly BIG. I graduated high school, started college, joined Intervarsity. I did the SSS summer program over the summer (duh), and even though I do not warm up to the program as much as I thought I would, it was still an awesome week for me. I had my trunk party in August. Got a scholarship from MCU bank, as well as from the Bethlehem Alumni Association. Performed at the Spellman talent show and won 2nd place, behind the F.Y.I. and before Jasmine and Kevin's performance (though we thought that Brian, Paolo, Cheryl, and Josh should have gotten third). 18, the year that we had an awesome Crazy For You reunion in Central Park. That was a great day. The year that I also went to go so see the Jonas Brothers live for Good Morning America - not as great a day. The year that I won the Spellman Alumni Award. The year I also got so much money that I did not know what to do with it. The year when I called Jeremy after graduation and asked "What happened to us?" and ended an a less arbitrary note with him. The year when I saw him again at the Cardinals Player's production of Hairspray and we embraced warmly. The year I saw my play brothers and sisters in Hairspray and was thoroughly proud of them.

Man, a lot of things happened in a year.

18 was a year in which God was truly revamping the way I live the Christian life. He was increasing my capacity to be bold through challenging me to share the gospel openly with strangers (Love Out Loud - November 5, 2010. Also conversational evangelism). He made me aware of the overwhelming sin evident in the slavery in the world. He taught me why the world is like that and through Greg Jao, He taught me that He understands our pains. This was the year when God blessed me with an older brother, Stephen. This was also the year when God totally WASHED OVER me with His presence and GREAT LOVE on December 9, 2010 when I was totally overwhelmed with the heaviness of my crush. This was the year where the issues with Grace Baptist Chapel became even more evident and I became so frustrated that I wrote a letter to the church. The year that I met cool people like Tuttle, Angie, Heewon, Sunroot, Carrie, Debs and so many other awesome peeps in the fellowship. The year I went on NYCUP where God began teaching me how to truly love His creation, people created in His image and likeness. He began making heart-knowledge the fact the HE is in control, not me. Things will not always turn out how I would like or expect, but that's okay. He began making heart-knowledge the fact that I have to do things in His strength, not my own. And ever recently, He has begun making heart knowledge the fact I must trust in His supreme understanding and wisdom and lay my burdens down.

This week has been one of the most fluctuating weeks of my life. I got a 92 on my Stats exam and was sharing about the awesome experience that was NYCUP. I also got a week extension on a paper that was due Tuesday the 29th of March. But I could not find sufficient time to do it, I got my period, and Jeffrey hung himself yesterday. And today's my birthday! What a way to end 18. Anyway.

This is the year where the dynamic of my family has been changing as well. That will become more evident this year though. It will be interesting.

Year that I got to share my faith with Randy. Year when God began deepening my understanding of prayer and its POWER. Year I met Andy B. and Neil and Jack. Year I joined CBF and met Dave and Elizabeth. Year I went on Expedition and the 2 IV chapter retreats. Year I was an Emmaus leader. Year I went to Luke and Crystal's wedding <3 Year I had an EXTREMELY huge crush on that guy. Yeah.

There is so much that I am leaving out I'm sure. But there are blogs and videos about my life as an 18 year old. Ooh, also the year where I was legitimately surprised for my 19th birthday (I'm tech. still 18 for the next 28 minutes xD). Peeps showed up at LateNite Bing and sang to me. Year of challenging conversations with non-Christians (Jordan, Jeremy C., Turtle, Randy, my philosophy professor).

Lord, I thank You for another year of life. And even though I am really weird at the moment, hurting over the loss of Jeffrey yet able to be sane and composed extremely quickly, I thank You for how You will bring good out of this pain for those that love the Lord. May more of Your creation love You Lord. Be with us as we suffer and help us to know that You understand our pain so completely. SO completely. I thank You for the things that You are teaching me and for the recent abundant blessing of heart-knowledge. Hallelujah. I will praise You in this storm.

In Christ's Name,
Let it be so.

2:47 AM

Jeffrey

Wow.

Today, Daytona called me and told me that Jeffrey Cabral, a fellow member of ours in the Liberty LEADS program at Bank Street College, hung himself. This is going to be really hard to write about.

Ummmm.......

So, Jeffrey and I were never close friends, but we went through a good part of high school together in Liberty and conversed every now and then. He was a goof, but he was uplifting and encouraging and seemed to just have such a hopeful outlook on life. He seemed to approach life with the attitude "Even though things are rough and difficult, I will overcome." Daytona was even closer to him and they engaged in deep conversation all the time. Jesus, please be with her and help her.

I was crying out "Why God, WHY?!" And it was not a cry of anger but of pain. Why did Jeffrey have to die like this? With no hope? I looked at his pictures on Facebook and I am so heartbroken. In almost every profile picture, he is smiling. I am so hurt. Why Jeffrey? Didn't you think about the people around you? How much they would hurt? Jeffrey, you must have know that death was not the answer!

Jesus, why didn't You reach him? Why did he have to die this way? Please Lord, make good come out of this. Please help those who know You understand that You are not blind to this and You care. You understand their pain. And for those who do not know You, I pray that they will not resent You and hate You. Help them understand that You are the God who cares deeply for His creation. You did not want this to happen.

And what gets me too is that it's so easy to say "Rest In Peace" or "I know you are in a better place." But no, you don't that he's in a better place. It's not that every person who dies goes to a better place. I think we deceive ourselves when we say that. And that makes reconciling the pain even harder. I hurt because Jeffrey lost hope. The hope and encouragement that he infected others with was not present in his own life. He despaired. He despaired. He lost hope. He took his life.

I hurt Lord. We hurt. Please meet us in the pain. Teach me how to pray for His soul. Help me pray for his family, his mother. Please hear my heart Lord. Comfort me. Help me to know with my heart that You hear and You understand. Thank You Lord for not ignoring my pain, for seeing my suffering and saying that it is not nothing; it has meaning.

Hallelujah.

Help me Lord to praise You in this storm.

Let it be so.

Blessed be Your Glorious Name

So it is 1:10 in the AM and I have been in a state of discomfort for the past 2 and a half hours. This semester, I decided that I was going to try my best to get as close to 8 hours of sleep as possible. But that is impossible when your period cramps keep you awake! I mean, I used to be able to go to sleep while still in pain, but it's not happening this time. And I just took medication about 1/2 an hour ago, 2 midols and a 8 oz bottle of water from Jacey. Please kick in faster. It's times like these where I really resent Eve. If she just hadn't eaten the apple from that stupid tree, I wouldn't have to worry about flippin' labor pains. It HURTS! And I wanna sleep!!! I went to bed at 10:47, 10:47!!!! Man Lord, why? Ugh, I can't even concentrate on You when the pain is so great. And I am mad tired, but I just can't sleep! I think this physical pain is a manifestation of my spiritual discomfort at the moment, with all the spiritual challenges I've been hit with lately. I am unsettled and cannot get peace and rest. And then ploop, I have unsettling cramps and cannot sleep. Ahhhh, my iPod has been going forever, how depressing would it be if it died before I fell asleep? Not cool.

Lord Jesus, PLEASE help fall asleep despite these persistent cramps. Help me stick it out and hang onto You despite the pain. Lord help me. And Jesus, please help me stay awake in my 8:30 and 10:05 class tomorrow. Oh my gosh, please bless my efforts and help me to get through my classes and the day, even though I won't get my full 8 hours of rest. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord in the land that is plentiful.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord though I walk through the wilderness.
You give and take away, but my heart will choose to say:
"Lord, blessed be Your Name!"

Blessed be Your Glorious Name.

Excitement!

Five weeks ago yesterday, I fell out of a relationship with someone I called best friend. It's been really hard, and it's not helping that he's dating a girl whom I also called best friend. She was also his ex. Crazy high school drama that I tried to avoid! Everything just hurts. Anyway, not the point of this entry. I wanted to talk about what I'm feeling right now. It's crazy 'cause I was listening to the radio this morning and "our song" came on. Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics for those who don't know it:

I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind

There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.

I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...

~Nelly