lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:
1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.
And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.
These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!
So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.
Do Your thing God, do Your thing.
~Nelly
And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.
~Insignia
Showing posts with label ex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ex. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, October 19, 2009
IM with beloved Darren
Yesterday
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
Already?!
Already! They've been going out for a day and already she says she loves him. She's making the same mistake I did. Giving her heart too quickly. And I really don't think they'll last. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'll be the one. I highly doubt it, but maybe. I've decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him. Like, I think God wants me talk to him, but He's not in a hurry. Like, I don't feel like I He needs me to do it right now. A lot of it is me wanting and being willing to talk to him. I've wanted to talk to since March. Back then it was something diff. and I let it go (think it was about our "relationship"). I decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him for this reason: If I say something and he realizes he has to make a change, I don't want that change to involve breaking up with Kaitlin. I do not want to be blamed and I don't want people to think it's cause I can't let go. So I think God is with me on this one. Jeremy will know, but in God's time. God's taking care of him and I have to be patient as well. So, you know what? I'm am sure they will break up. I mean, duh they will, but I'm sure it will be soon. Def. before the year is over. Let's see if I know him as well as I think I do. Looks like Nicky won the bet on this one; she said yes and now they are dating. Darn it, now she gets the bragging rights. God, I feel so evil. Like, I can't wait for them to break up. I don't if it's because I want to shove examples in his face when we talk or if it's 'cause I'm jealous or because I love the image of me and K sitting on the floor and her crying on my shoulder. Awugh, I feel so selfish and evil! But hopefully God can work even despite these. No, not even hopefully, God can work despite these flaws. God, may Your will be done! For all those who are reading this, please pray for me. I need all the prayer I can get! Thank you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...
God is insane! He's done so much for me the past week that I don't even know where to begin. Hm...I'll start with Emmaus. I can't say too much about it because there are students in my school who still haven't gone and who might read this. But...Emmaus was the greatest thing ever. It's a retreat the my school does several times a year and it is so amazing what it does to you. Like, through Emmaus, God shows me that He answers prayer. I prayed that He would use me to bless other people and spread the good news to other people, but I felt like I wasn't qualified or that it would happen later in life. But God showed me the opposite! He can bless others through me now. And I knew that, but I don't think I fully knew. You know what I mean? It was too cool. I love Him. Thank you Jesus. And He also showed me and all of us actually that we can't pre-judge people because you have no idea what's going on on the inside. I went thinking that some people were birds/chickenheads and others were conceited, fake airheads, but my perspective TOTALLY changed. Me and Antwon and Gina and Jen are mad chill and I never thought I'd be talking to these girls like they were my sisters, you know? No you don't know, but I'm telling you, it's crazy xD. I love those girls! And Brian, if you're reading this, I'm telling you GO ON EMMAUS!!!!! Don't give a crap what Philp says, this experience is more important to your life than play will ever be.
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Poetry Zone
Sweet Nothings
Sweet nothings
Those beautiful words that make me fall in love with you
Make me want to give to you
Forever and ever
Those sweet nothings
They mean everything to me
And I hold onto those words for dear life
You see
I thought I was an exception
I thought it couldn't happen to me because I'm smart
And no, even though you've never been in a relationship before
Even though you've never been truly deceived
Even though you lack experience
It won't happen to me, 'cause I'm too smart for that
Well God gave me a realtiy check
He said "You ain't no different than anyone else
Ain't any higher.
You are just as prone to fall
And until you keep your eyes on me you will always fall."
I thought I knew what I was doin'
I wouldn't fall for those empty words of "love"
Ya see 'cause me and him were best friends
Ride or die, together forever, I'll be there for you always
We would never fall, ever
But what I found out is, me and him were only "best friends"
And as I kept giving he kept taking
And you'd never think he was a damn selfish jerk at first glance
Sometimes I still question it
But deceit is not a conspicuous thing
It does not come announced
It creeps around corners and attacks you when your heart is opened
Hmmm
I remember
The "I loves yous"
The "You're beautifuls"
The "I here for you when you need mes"
But when it ended
Abruptly and for a reason true love would be able to withstand
I realized
That all of your lies
Were sweet nothings
Thank you.
Sweet nothings
Those beautiful words that make me fall in love with you
Make me want to give to you
Forever and ever
Those sweet nothings
They mean everything to me
And I hold onto those words for dear life
You see
I thought I was an exception
I thought it couldn't happen to me because I'm smart
And no, even though you've never been in a relationship before
Even though you've never been truly deceived
Even though you lack experience
It won't happen to me, 'cause I'm too smart for that
Well God gave me a realtiy check
He said "You ain't no different than anyone else
Ain't any higher.
You are just as prone to fall
And until you keep your eyes on me you will always fall."
I thought I knew what I was doin'
I wouldn't fall for those empty words of "love"
Ya see 'cause me and him were best friends
Ride or die, together forever, I'll be there for you always
We would never fall, ever
But what I found out is, me and him were only "best friends"
And as I kept giving he kept taking
And you'd never think he was a damn selfish jerk at first glance
Sometimes I still question it
But deceit is not a conspicuous thing
It does not come announced
It creeps around corners and attacks you when your heart is opened
Hmmm
I remember
The "I loves yous"
The "You're beautifuls"
The "I here for you when you need mes"
But when it ended
Abruptly and for a reason true love would be able to withstand
I realized
That all of your lies
Were sweet nothings
Thank you.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
About thirty minutes ago, I did something really crazy.
I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.
So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.
So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."
---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it
So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.
DUNT DUNT DUNT.
So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.
So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:
Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.
I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!
But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.
And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.
I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.
So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.
So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."
---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it
So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.
DUNT DUNT DUNT.
So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.
So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:
Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.
I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!
But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.
And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Amazing Faith
Yeah, so I guess I was totally lazy and did not post up the other college descriptions. Eh, still a little lazy xD. Yesterday, I took my SAT. I am so glad it's over! It was so long, 10 sections, about 4 hours. A 4 hour test! That should be illegal, it sounds so unreasonable and irrational! Ugh whatever, it's done, at least until October. I took it at Truman High School and it was like a 180 reunion and a Spellman get-together at the same time. Too many familiar faces. Freeeaaaky.
So Friday morning, I was being really silly. I was reading IM convos that I used to have with my ex-boyfriend. Irony of everything was really funny. Like, I told him "You have to promise not to stab me in the back because I'm gonna say something cheesy that'll make me vulnerable." He said "I promise." Then I was like "If you were to die, I would cry harder than your mother because she at least has one other child, but I only have one best friend." We weren't dating at this point, but I find it funny that a) he did stab me in the back (more like the heart) and b) we aren't friends anymore xD. It's funny, but at the same time it's sad 'cause it's crazy that after everything, this is where we wound up. Two extremely distant people who at one point were so close. It's unfortunate, but what can you do? Answer: Just move on. God has my back, so I'm good =)
On another note, Thursday was quite a day. I was at Bank Street for the College Writing Workshop. Joel and Lauren found out that Jeremy and I went out and the things they said really put me in a good mood. The first thing Lauren said was "You didn't lose anything." lol, it was really cool. And Joel was astonished, her face was hilarious. She couldn't see why I even bothered. lol. They didn't bash him ridiculously, but they were basically saying that I can do better. They were voicing something I have already concluded: "I can do better, I can do better. HUGH!" (Avril song I Can Do Better XD). Thanks guys. And Luis's poetry is amazing, oh my gosh! Like, he did some improv. and my eyes welled up. It was so real xD. The topic was ex-boyfriends. lol, typing this all out makes it seem like I'm not over Jeremy, but it's just that he's come up randomly in the past few days. In my head and in conversations 0_0. Strange... But anyway, Luis's poems are amazing. I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't do something with his work. Do you here me Luis? You are too good not to do anything!!!
But the biggest thing that made my Thursday was the train ride home. I was on the 2 train, and this guy comes on the train. He apologized for disturbing us and then told his story. He is HIV positive and left the homeless shelter where he was at, for he was beaten and robbed. His family won't speak to him. He's getting his paperwork and stuff together I guess so that he can get housing, but in the meantime he's living on the streets. He said that he uses his gift for reciting original poetry in asking for donations. When he started his poem, it wasn't anything dynamic, not in terms of how he recited it or the words he used. It wasn't like Luis's where you are just awed that he was able to come up with this stuff. Naw, this poem was very simple. What was dynamic about this poem was the subject of it. A little ways into it, he used the the word "He" referring to God. Then I heard "Lord" and "Jesus." He was saying that Jesus is always with him and that that's where he finds strength and comfort. Basically that's what he was saying. I gave him the dollar I was gonna spend on ice cream. I wish I had like 5 to give him. It was amazing! That feeling I felt after he said his poem. I was so touched. Here is a man in such a terrible situation. The man is dying. Dying. But you know what he's doing? He praising God through his poetry. And it was absolutely different from your typical testimony. A typical testimony talks about how God brought someone through something. How they went through a trying time, but God carried them out. Those are awesome, but this one was different. In this case, the guy is still in his trial; he's still in deep trouble. And you know what he's doing? Reciting poetry about God. Man, that touched me so much. So many other people in his situation would turn away from God, reject Him. Blame Him for their situation. But what is this guy doing? Praising His name through poetry! I can't get over that, it's amazing! And though it was simpler, his poem hit me way harder than Luis's. I welled up with Luis's poem; with this guy I sobbed. Awh man did I sob! I sobbed walking home from the train station, truly amazed by this man's story. God is so amazing. I can imagine the peace that man is experiencing right now. Do I want a faith like that! Amazing faith. That should be a song xD. I should have asked for the guy's name again. Damn! I think it was Joseph. So guys, please pray for Joseph. God, that was amazing. Thank You that I got to hear his story.
So yeah, I'll end my rambling there :)
So Friday morning, I was being really silly. I was reading IM convos that I used to have with my ex-boyfriend. Irony of everything was really funny. Like, I told him "You have to promise not to stab me in the back because I'm gonna say something cheesy that'll make me vulnerable." He said "I promise." Then I was like "If you were to die, I would cry harder than your mother because she at least has one other child, but I only have one best friend." We weren't dating at this point, but I find it funny that a) he did stab me in the back (more like the heart) and b) we aren't friends anymore xD. It's funny, but at the same time it's sad 'cause it's crazy that after everything, this is where we wound up. Two extremely distant people who at one point were so close. It's unfortunate, but what can you do? Answer: Just move on. God has my back, so I'm good =)
On another note, Thursday was quite a day. I was at Bank Street for the College Writing Workshop. Joel and Lauren found out that Jeremy and I went out and the things they said really put me in a good mood. The first thing Lauren said was "You didn't lose anything." lol, it was really cool. And Joel was astonished, her face was hilarious. She couldn't see why I even bothered. lol. They didn't bash him ridiculously, but they were basically saying that I can do better. They were voicing something I have already concluded: "I can do better, I can do better. HUGH!" (Avril song I Can Do Better XD). Thanks guys. And Luis's poetry is amazing, oh my gosh! Like, he did some improv. and my eyes welled up. It was so real xD. The topic was ex-boyfriends. lol, typing this all out makes it seem like I'm not over Jeremy, but it's just that he's come up randomly in the past few days. In my head and in conversations 0_0. Strange... But anyway, Luis's poems are amazing. I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't do something with his work. Do you here me Luis? You are too good not to do anything!!!
But the biggest thing that made my Thursday was the train ride home. I was on the 2 train, and this guy comes on the train. He apologized for disturbing us and then told his story. He is HIV positive and left the homeless shelter where he was at, for he was beaten and robbed. His family won't speak to him. He's getting his paperwork and stuff together I guess so that he can get housing, but in the meantime he's living on the streets. He said that he uses his gift for reciting original poetry in asking for donations. When he started his poem, it wasn't anything dynamic, not in terms of how he recited it or the words he used. It wasn't like Luis's where you are just awed that he was able to come up with this stuff. Naw, this poem was very simple. What was dynamic about this poem was the subject of it. A little ways into it, he used the the word "He" referring to God. Then I heard "Lord" and "Jesus." He was saying that Jesus is always with him and that that's where he finds strength and comfort. Basically that's what he was saying. I gave him the dollar I was gonna spend on ice cream. I wish I had like 5 to give him. It was amazing! That feeling I felt after he said his poem. I was so touched. Here is a man in such a terrible situation. The man is dying. Dying. But you know what he's doing? He praising God through his poetry. And it was absolutely different from your typical testimony. A typical testimony talks about how God brought someone through something. How they went through a trying time, but God carried them out. Those are awesome, but this one was different. In this case, the guy is still in his trial; he's still in deep trouble. And you know what he's doing? Reciting poetry about God. Man, that touched me so much. So many other people in his situation would turn away from God, reject Him. Blame Him for their situation. But what is this guy doing? Praising His name through poetry! I can't get over that, it's amazing! And though it was simpler, his poem hit me way harder than Luis's. I welled up with Luis's poem; with this guy I sobbed. Awh man did I sob! I sobbed walking home from the train station, truly amazed by this man's story. God is so amazing. I can imagine the peace that man is experiencing right now. Do I want a faith like that! Amazing faith. That should be a song xD. I should have asked for the guy's name again. Damn! I think it was Joseph. So guys, please pray for Joseph. God, that was amazing. Thank You that I got to hear his story.
So yeah, I'll end my rambling there :)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Excitement!
Five weeks ago yesterday, I fell out of a relationship with someone I called best friend. It's been really hard, and it's not helping that he's dating a girl whom I also called best friend. She was also his ex. Crazy high school drama that I tried to avoid! Everything just hurts. Anyway, not the point of this entry. I wanted to talk about what I'm feeling right now. It's crazy 'cause I was listening to the radio this morning and "our song" came on. Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics for those who don't know it:
I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you
Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.
I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...
~Nelly
I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you
Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.
I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...
~Nelly
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