Liberty LEADS retreat and the Senior Mass

I just came back from the last Liberty LEADS retreat ever. We were up at Clearpool in Carmel, NY. It was interesting. Of course, Emmaus trumps any retreat ever. But this one was cool. It was definitely better than previous I-Lead retreats because people took things seriously. I def. wished that I had taken advantage of everything that I-Lead have to offer. Honestly, so much went on that I'm not in the mood to write all down. But I'll just start and hopefully finish at a later time.

On this retreat, I had intended to write more post-its to put on the lockers at school. During the bus ride there, Meh-run saw me with them and asked me if I was the one who put them on the lockers. I said no. Then she goes,

"What idiot would do that?"

Jen - "Do what?"

Meh-run - "Some person put post-its on the locker saying 'God loves you Jesus will save you...'"

That kind of hurt. Like, ow! I was called an idiot x) This what I wrote on two post-its after she said that:

lmbo! Wow God. I was just called an idiot. So now I know how Meh-run feels about the post-its. She doesn't know it's me, of course I denied it. But we'll see where this goes. Of course not everyone would be receptive to this. I have to understand that from now. And I CANNOT let it discourage me. Lord, please send help. 4/23/10

The next day it was brought up and she said the person was an idiot again. She wasn't saying it maliciously but it was still hurtful. I told her I thought it was cute and she said it was, but it was mad random. So that kind of settled me. Like, it seems as though the reason why she said this person (hah hah, me) was an idiot was because the action was random. But I'm wondering if it goes deeper than that. Hmmm...

So, the first activity Friday night was of course, Libations. That's the one where everybody says a word of thanks to someone who has helped them and pours water into the plant (this time we had a ladle). It was pretty intense. People had stories, deep stories. They made me want to stick everybody on an Emmaus retreat xD. Luis's, Jeffrey's, Brian's, and Emmanuel's stories were very touching. Mariano's dedication to Brandon Medina was touching too. Libations has never been run like that before.

So, at the end of the night, I gave Luis a big hug and told him how much I appreciate the fact that he is alive. The next day, I told Brian that I am happy he's alive too. Very happy.

Friday night after the Libations exercise, Mariano and I did origami. We made a seal. Well, he really made it; after step 3 or so I could not match the paper to the picture xD. We named him Klutz, after the company who made the book. Klutz - Gender: Male. Birthday: April 23, 2010 around 10:50 pm. lol. He let me keep him too it was cool. Daytona and Igor helped out too. It was cool.

So that was Friday. I mean, the only other thing I can say is that we were all tight because dinner was Tostitos with salsa. But Friday was cool.

I'll talk about Saturday and Sunday at a later date.

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On a different note, Friday was also the Senior Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral. It was a very good mass! Archbishop Timothy Dolan gave a great homily about our identity in Christ. Gave me some material to use for my post-its xD. But it was great. And it was cool seeing my classmates from other high schools. Mariano gave a speech of gratitude to the Archbishop. He was so good! Nataly and Marc-Anthony were participants in the mass too. I saw Shani, Crystal, Reginna, Luis, Gustavo, and Preston after the mass. And when I say "saw" I mean talked to. I saw others there.

It was a great mass. And Seniors got their senior privileges back for their behavior during the mass. Nobody sang any of the songs though. In my section anyway. That was bummer.

Yeah, all I must say.

~Janell

I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...

God is insane! He's done so much for me the past week that I don't even know where to begin. Hm...I'll start with Emmaus. I can't say too much about it because there are students in my school who still haven't gone and who might read this. But...Emmaus was the greatest thing ever. It's a retreat the my school does several times a year and it is so amazing what it does to you. Like, through Emmaus, God shows me that He answers prayer. I prayed that He would use me to bless other people and spread the good news to other people, but I felt like I wasn't qualified or that it would happen later in life. But God showed me the opposite! He can bless others through me now. And I knew that, but I don't think I fully knew. You know what I mean? It was too cool. I love Him. Thank you Jesus. And He also showed me and all of us actually that we can't pre-judge people because you have no idea what's going on on the inside. I went thinking that some people were birds/chickenheads and others were conceited, fake airheads, but my perspective TOTALLY changed. Me and Antwon and Gina and Jen are mad chill and I never thought I'd be talking to these girls like they were my sisters, you know? No you don't know, but I'm telling you, it's crazy xD. I love those girls! And Brian, if you're reading this, I'm telling you GO ON EMMAUS!!!!! Don't give a crap what Philp says, this experience is more important to your life than play will ever be.

Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD

So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).

So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.

And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.

So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.

"You're a jerk."

Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...

So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:

In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time

So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."

Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.

This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.

Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!

<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3

Rei