So, I figure that since I've been pretty stressed about prom, I might as well give an account about what it was like.
It wasn't that serious.
It wasn't worth the stress. It all went by so quickly. Before I knew it, it was the next day. I learned that limos are overrated. The DJ played these three genres: Spanish music, Dancehall, Rap. Very few rockish poppish songs. Single Ladies was played mad early in the night. The music wasn't that great. The best parts of the night was seeing all the pretty people and taking pictures with Natasha Culpepper and Tara McDermott. We took some silly pics. I finally warmed up to my dress, I must admit I looked good. Not what I had envisioned, but I did look good. SO glad I did not wear the other Cinderalla looking dress (check out two posts ago for details). In the end, I just stressed morethan I should of. Prom is just a fancy dance party. And it's not even about the dancing. Anyway, my "after prom" event was sleeping over at Natasha Culpepper's house. It was so spontaneous! We were gonna watch Disney movies, but we were too tired, so we watched a few sing-a-longs and called it a day. Slept from 2 'til about 10:45ish. Tara had to work Friday, so we didn't even hang that day. Could have gone to the movies with Natasha but I didn't feel like it and Mom forgot to equip me with money -_-. In general, prom was nice, but not as spectacular as it had seemed.
So about the annoying stuff that happened.
1) NEVER AGAIN will I be in a limo with unorganized and inconsiderate people. I had to leave prom 30-45 minutes early because fellow limomates had to go to an after party. I found this out ten minutes prior to out supposed departure. I feel like I was used just to subtract from the limo expense. Meh-run piseed me off so much; never again will I ride in a vehicle with her -_______-
2) So, Jeremy speaks and so of his spit gets on my arm. I wipe it on him and he's like "What?" I say, "You spit on me." And do you know what he said? He goes, "Does that remind you of something?" The nerve! Jeremy: "I'm sorry, I had to." I just ignored him. And I was upset, but damn it to hell if I let this fool ruin my night.
3) My friend was upset because somebody touched her inappropriately while she was on the dance floor. She didn't know who it was and she felt disgusted with herself. I told her that someone had told me something unkind (I was referring to Jeremy) and that I did not let it ruin my night. I told her to have fun on this night; there will never be another high school prom! I think she felt a bit better after that. Geez, these people and their sex dancing! It was disgusting to watch.
And the 2010 Prom Queen and Prom King are *drumroll*:
Christina Mayer and
KAMAL WILLIAMS! W00T!
Take that popularity! Our class defied all that is popular. For King and Queen, I voted Kamal and Kayon. But I love how the two least likely candidates became the most likely candidates by the very virtue of their unpopularity. GREEEEEAT! =D
The Prom Princess was Taylor? something and The Prince was Julian Bristol. W00T! Go Julian! xD Princess and Prince was determined by picking names out of a bag or something. Yeah.
So yeah, that's pretty much my Prom experience. Thank Jesus that it is over. I learned that my wedding will be much more well planned and that I will not limo will ridiculous people -_____-. Also, I won't stress over things and make things worse than they really are. And next time, I will be in control of my own look.
The End :)
Showing posts with label Jeremy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jeremy. Show all posts
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Old Addiction + Strong God = Deliverance
So today I went to the library to get on the computer and deal with scholarship stuff but for some reason, the system would not allow me to sign up. Sometimes, when I go to the library to complete a task and either I finish it quickly or am unable to complete it, I walk over to the manga section and pretend like I am actually looking for something. Like I came to the library for a purpose, not just to see if people are there. And after looking like I have a purpose for a long enough time, I walk away.
But I didn't this time.
Instead, I picked up Nana Vol. 11 (which took forever to get to the library. The collection went from10 to 12 -_-;) and started reading it. I was at the library from 3 until 7:30. I read 3 volumes. 3. No breaks in between.
I left the library and I realized that I'd wasted my time. I spent 4 and a half hours--OHMYGOSH, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS?! Reading MANGAS! And the content was not even edifying. The things in those particular pages were not of God and were not what I should be feeding my mind with. And the plot took a lame direction anyway. You know, I used to think that life outside my manga-anime realm would be so dull and lame. But I started living once I gave it up. I am so glad I'm blogging about this x).
So here's how things used to be.
I wanna say it began when I was around 7. I rediscovered my passion for Sailor Moon and started hanging pictures and idolizing the characters. Then I got really into DBZ again and idolized the characters of other animes like Digimon and Pokemon. I collected pictures I printed out from the library and hung some up on walls. I still have some somewhere. My passion slowed down a little bit in '03/'04, but it was revived when I took a trip down to Florida and met a cousin who was gung-hoe about anime. During that visit I saw Spirited Away and all three Sailor Moon movies. And since then, it's been on fire until around 2008. Even into 2009. I never thought I'd stop being an anime fan. It was my refuge. It is so easy to get lost in an manga.
And the Japanese anime entered my head too. Different scenarios played in my head and I would waste my hours dreaming up alternate scenes to the ones I saw on TV. It was my escape, my outlet. And in a very real way, my god.
I knew something was wrong. I couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how I tried. I tried to suppress my conscience and my gut which were telling me that these things were my idols and that was not right. Only God knows how I got to the place where I am now in terms of my Christian walk with Him. I was so bound and so far from Christ. Like, I believed in Him but I was not willing to give up my lifestyle. At some point, I wanted to change my habit but I felt this was my only getaway, my only outlet. After awhile, I was fantasizing whenever I had free time. It was a distraction that consumed my life.
And then there was a new distraction: Jeremy.
And he consumed my thoughts. And when I went through that painful experience March of 2009, anime couldn't save me. Thoughts of Sesshomaru, Kouga, Ichigo could deliver me. I couldn't bury myself in a manga and be okay. Because when I'd finish that volume, I'd be hit by reality again. God brought me through, God was with me 24/7, God was real. Not a figment of my imagination. I did not even attempt to retreat to my fantasy realm when I was hurt by Jeremy. I'm glad that I knew to run straight to the Father.
So after reading the mangas, I thought "Why am I doing this?" My brother was locked out of the apartment from 3 pm to 7:15 because I was in manga world. I realized what a waste of time it is for me and how much it crowds and clutters my mind. In and of themselves, mangas and anime are not bad. It could be a very positive outlet for some people. But for me, anime is an addictive drug which cannot be handled in moderation.
So what should you take from my story? Anything outside of God is LAME. That's not even the word. It's damaging to the human spirit. And no matter what you are bound by, God can bring you through it. Even if you think that there is nothing better than where you are at now, God will open your eyes. Even if you think that life sucks and will never improve, God will show you how dead wrong you are. I walked out of that library thankful that I delight in Christ and thankful that I am in Him and that I left that life behind. I am so glad I know God!
And you can know Him too.
Take heart! Where there is God, there is hope for a brighter, meaningful, joyful, loving LIFE.
With much love,
Janell
But I didn't this time.
Instead, I picked up Nana Vol. 11 (which took forever to get to the library. The collection went from10 to 12 -_-;) and started reading it. I was at the library from 3 until 7:30. I read 3 volumes. 3. No breaks in between.
I left the library and I realized that I'd wasted my time. I spent 4 and a half hours--OHMYGOSH, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS?! Reading MANGAS! And the content was not even edifying. The things in those particular pages were not of God and were not what I should be feeding my mind with. And the plot took a lame direction anyway. You know, I used to think that life outside my manga-anime realm would be so dull and lame. But I started living once I gave it up. I am so glad I'm blogging about this x).
So here's how things used to be.
I wanna say it began when I was around 7. I rediscovered my passion for Sailor Moon and started hanging pictures and idolizing the characters. Then I got really into DBZ again and idolized the characters of other animes like Digimon and Pokemon. I collected pictures I printed out from the library and hung some up on walls. I still have some somewhere. My passion slowed down a little bit in '03/'04, but it was revived when I took a trip down to Florida and met a cousin who was gung-hoe about anime. During that visit I saw Spirited Away and all three Sailor Moon movies. And since then, it's been on fire until around 2008. Even into 2009. I never thought I'd stop being an anime fan. It was my refuge. It is so easy to get lost in an manga.
And the Japanese anime entered my head too. Different scenarios played in my head and I would waste my hours dreaming up alternate scenes to the ones I saw on TV. It was my escape, my outlet. And in a very real way, my god.
I knew something was wrong. I couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how I tried. I tried to suppress my conscience and my gut which were telling me that these things were my idols and that was not right. Only God knows how I got to the place where I am now in terms of my Christian walk with Him. I was so bound and so far from Christ. Like, I believed in Him but I was not willing to give up my lifestyle. At some point, I wanted to change my habit but I felt this was my only getaway, my only outlet. After awhile, I was fantasizing whenever I had free time. It was a distraction that consumed my life.
And then there was a new distraction: Jeremy.
And he consumed my thoughts. And when I went through that painful experience March of 2009, anime couldn't save me. Thoughts of Sesshomaru, Kouga, Ichigo could deliver me. I couldn't bury myself in a manga and be okay. Because when I'd finish that volume, I'd be hit by reality again. God brought me through, God was with me 24/7, God was real. Not a figment of my imagination. I did not even attempt to retreat to my fantasy realm when I was hurt by Jeremy. I'm glad that I knew to run straight to the Father.
So after reading the mangas, I thought "Why am I doing this?" My brother was locked out of the apartment from 3 pm to 7:15 because I was in manga world. I realized what a waste of time it is for me and how much it crowds and clutters my mind. In and of themselves, mangas and anime are not bad. It could be a very positive outlet for some people. But for me, anime is an addictive drug which cannot be handled in moderation.
So what should you take from my story? Anything outside of God is LAME. That's not even the word. It's damaging to the human spirit. And no matter what you are bound by, God can bring you through it. Even if you think that there is nothing better than where you are at now, God will open your eyes. Even if you think that life sucks and will never improve, God will show you how dead wrong you are. I walked out of that library thankful that I delight in Christ and thankful that I am in Him and that I left that life behind. I am so glad I know God!
And you can know Him too.
Take heart! Where there is God, there is hope for a brighter, meaningful, joyful, loving LIFE.
With much love,
Janell
Monday, March 29, 2010
Jeremy
lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:
1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.
And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.
These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!
So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.
Do Your thing God, do Your thing.
~Nelly
And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.
~Insignia
1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.
And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.
These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!
So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.
Do Your thing God, do Your thing.
~Nelly
And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.
~Insignia
Monday, October 19, 2009
IM with beloved Darren
Yesterday
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
Already?!
Already! They've been going out for a day and already she says she loves him. She's making the same mistake I did. Giving her heart too quickly. And I really don't think they'll last. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'll be the one. I highly doubt it, but maybe. I've decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him. Like, I think God wants me talk to him, but He's not in a hurry. Like, I don't feel like I He needs me to do it right now. A lot of it is me wanting and being willing to talk to him. I've wanted to talk to since March. Back then it was something diff. and I let it go (think it was about our "relationship"). I decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him for this reason: If I say something and he realizes he has to make a change, I don't want that change to involve breaking up with Kaitlin. I do not want to be blamed and I don't want people to think it's cause I can't let go. So I think God is with me on this one. Jeremy will know, but in God's time. God's taking care of him and I have to be patient as well. So, you know what? I'm am sure they will break up. I mean, duh they will, but I'm sure it will be soon. Def. before the year is over. Let's see if I know him as well as I think I do. Looks like Nicky won the bet on this one; she said yes and now they are dating. Darn it, now she gets the bragging rights. God, I feel so evil. Like, I can't wait for them to break up. I don't if it's because I want to shove examples in his face when we talk or if it's 'cause I'm jealous or because I love the image of me and K sitting on the floor and her crying on my shoulder. Awugh, I feel so selfish and evil! But hopefully God can work even despite these. No, not even hopefully, God can work despite these flaws. God, may Your will be done! For all those who are reading this, please pray for me. I need all the prayer I can get! Thank you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...
God is insane! He's done so much for me the past week that I don't even know where to begin. Hm...I'll start with Emmaus. I can't say too much about it because there are students in my school who still haven't gone and who might read this. But...Emmaus was the greatest thing ever. It's a retreat the my school does several times a year and it is so amazing what it does to you. Like, through Emmaus, God shows me that He answers prayer. I prayed that He would use me to bless other people and spread the good news to other people, but I felt like I wasn't qualified or that it would happen later in life. But God showed me the opposite! He can bless others through me now. And I knew that, but I don't think I fully knew. You know what I mean? It was too cool. I love Him. Thank you Jesus. And He also showed me and all of us actually that we can't pre-judge people because you have no idea what's going on on the inside. I went thinking that some people were birds/chickenheads and others were conceited, fake airheads, but my perspective TOTALLY changed. Me and Antwon and Gina and Jen are mad chill and I never thought I'd be talking to these girls like they were my sisters, you know? No you don't know, but I'm telling you, it's crazy xD. I love those girls! And Brian, if you're reading this, I'm telling you GO ON EMMAUS!!!!! Don't give a crap what Philp says, this experience is more important to your life than play will ever be.
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Poetry Zone
Sweet Nothings
Sweet nothings
Those beautiful words that make me fall in love with you
Make me want to give to you
Forever and ever
Those sweet nothings
They mean everything to me
And I hold onto those words for dear life
You see
I thought I was an exception
I thought it couldn't happen to me because I'm smart
And no, even though you've never been in a relationship before
Even though you've never been truly deceived
Even though you lack experience
It won't happen to me, 'cause I'm too smart for that
Well God gave me a realtiy check
He said "You ain't no different than anyone else
Ain't any higher.
You are just as prone to fall
And until you keep your eyes on me you will always fall."
I thought I knew what I was doin'
I wouldn't fall for those empty words of "love"
Ya see 'cause me and him were best friends
Ride or die, together forever, I'll be there for you always
We would never fall, ever
But what I found out is, me and him were only "best friends"
And as I kept giving he kept taking
And you'd never think he was a damn selfish jerk at first glance
Sometimes I still question it
But deceit is not a conspicuous thing
It does not come announced
It creeps around corners and attacks you when your heart is opened
Hmmm
I remember
The "I loves yous"
The "You're beautifuls"
The "I here for you when you need mes"
But when it ended
Abruptly and for a reason true love would be able to withstand
I realized
That all of your lies
Were sweet nothings
Thank you.
Sweet nothings
Those beautiful words that make me fall in love with you
Make me want to give to you
Forever and ever
Those sweet nothings
They mean everything to me
And I hold onto those words for dear life
You see
I thought I was an exception
I thought it couldn't happen to me because I'm smart
And no, even though you've never been in a relationship before
Even though you've never been truly deceived
Even though you lack experience
It won't happen to me, 'cause I'm too smart for that
Well God gave me a realtiy check
He said "You ain't no different than anyone else
Ain't any higher.
You are just as prone to fall
And until you keep your eyes on me you will always fall."
I thought I knew what I was doin'
I wouldn't fall for those empty words of "love"
Ya see 'cause me and him were best friends
Ride or die, together forever, I'll be there for you always
We would never fall, ever
But what I found out is, me and him were only "best friends"
And as I kept giving he kept taking
And you'd never think he was a damn selfish jerk at first glance
Sometimes I still question it
But deceit is not a conspicuous thing
It does not come announced
It creeps around corners and attacks you when your heart is opened
Hmmm
I remember
The "I loves yous"
The "You're beautifuls"
The "I here for you when you need mes"
But when it ended
Abruptly and for a reason true love would be able to withstand
I realized
That all of your lies
Were sweet nothings
Thank you.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
About thirty minutes ago, I did something really crazy.
I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.
So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.
So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."
---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it
So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.
DUNT DUNT DUNT.
So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.
So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:
Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.
I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!
But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.
And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.
I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.
I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.
So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.
So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."
---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it
So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.
DUNT DUNT DUNT.
So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.
So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:
Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.
I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!
But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.
And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.
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