lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:
1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.
And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.
These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!
So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.
Do Your thing God, do Your thing.
~Nelly
And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.
~Insignia
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, October 23, 2009
S'more Boy Talk ^___-'''
So, I like this guy, don't know if he likes me, don't know if I'm reading to much into it. I don't know if I like him, am I making myself like him because he's a good guy? Or am I being picky about the wrong things? Like, there's an attraction, and it was small, but now I find myself thinking about him all the time, and I don't know if it's 'cause I like him or because I like having someone around who thinks I'm cool. I really appreciate the flattery. But am I reading too much into things? Maybe he really doesn't like me as much as he appears to like me. Ugh! Gina told me to not to think about boys, but it's hard. And Dylan (that's his name) is too cool. Like, he's not a jerk. And really not a jerk. I'm getting better and better at picking guys. But it's not even like he's mine or that I like him! UGH!!!!
He's really sweet though. Like, he would not let me walk home alone from school yesterday. Would NOT. And he's concerned about what's going on in my head and he's considers me a close friend already. Haven't even known this dude for a month yet. But I get a Sandino vibe from him. And that's BIG. I hold Sandino in high esteem. If I deem you a Sandino, you are an awesome man. But that's just the vibe I get, it's not definite yet. Only thing is, I don't know if he's a Christian. But you know, if he isn't I wouldn't mind. Like, I'd just pray for him constantly and hope that my influence would bring him to God. That is all I could do anyway. Man, he's cute, but I could see him being annoying, he's considerate and he cares and you know, though he might be annoying ain't that better than a jerk who seems to care and throws around the love word and breaks girls' hearts as often as he changes his shoes? Pshah, most def! But I believe that I'm getting way too ahead of myself. Betting to assume that he doesn't like me that way than to hype everything up and find out that I was wrong. Geez, that would SUCK. So I'm gonna do what Gina says and not even think about dudes. I will try my best. One thing's for sure, I would def. love D to be my prom date. No question about that. You know he waits for me by Pre-Cal and walks with me part way to class? I think that is so awesome and sweet.
ARGH! ENOUGH JANELL. NO MORE TALKS OF BOYS (dunt dunt dunt).
God, what've You got in store? This'll be an interesting ride. Please help me to keep my eyes on YOU ONLY, please! Amen.
He's really sweet though. Like, he would not let me walk home alone from school yesterday. Would NOT. And he's concerned about what's going on in my head and he's considers me a close friend already. Haven't even known this dude for a month yet. But I get a Sandino vibe from him. And that's BIG. I hold Sandino in high esteem. If I deem you a Sandino, you are an awesome man. But that's just the vibe I get, it's not definite yet. Only thing is, I don't know if he's a Christian. But you know, if he isn't I wouldn't mind. Like, I'd just pray for him constantly and hope that my influence would bring him to God. That is all I could do anyway. Man, he's cute, but I could see him being annoying, he's considerate and he cares and you know, though he might be annoying ain't that better than a jerk who seems to care and throws around the love word and breaks girls' hearts as often as he changes his shoes? Pshah, most def! But I believe that I'm getting way too ahead of myself. Betting to assume that he doesn't like me that way than to hype everything up and find out that I was wrong. Geez, that would SUCK. So I'm gonna do what Gina says and not even think about dudes. I will try my best. One thing's for sure, I would def. love D to be my prom date. No question about that. You know he waits for me by Pre-Cal and walks with me part way to class? I think that is so awesome and sweet.
ARGH! ENOUGH JANELL. NO MORE TALKS OF BOYS (dunt dunt dunt).
God, what've You got in store? This'll be an interesting ride. Please help me to keep my eyes on YOU ONLY, please! Amen.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...
God is insane! He's done so much for me the past week that I don't even know where to begin. Hm...I'll start with Emmaus. I can't say too much about it because there are students in my school who still haven't gone and who might read this. But...Emmaus was the greatest thing ever. It's a retreat the my school does several times a year and it is so amazing what it does to you. Like, through Emmaus, God shows me that He answers prayer. I prayed that He would use me to bless other people and spread the good news to other people, but I felt like I wasn't qualified or that it would happen later in life. But God showed me the opposite! He can bless others through me now. And I knew that, but I don't think I fully knew. You know what I mean? It was too cool. I love Him. Thank you Jesus. And He also showed me and all of us actually that we can't pre-judge people because you have no idea what's going on on the inside. I went thinking that some people were birds/chickenheads and others were conceited, fake airheads, but my perspective TOTALLY changed. Me and Antwon and Gina and Jen are mad chill and I never thought I'd be talking to these girls like they were my sisters, you know? No you don't know, but I'm telling you, it's crazy xD. I love those girls! And Brian, if you're reading this, I'm telling you GO ON EMMAUS!!!!! Don't give a crap what Philp says, this experience is more important to your life than play will ever be.
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Excitement!
Five weeks ago yesterday, I fell out of a relationship with someone I called best friend. It's been really hard, and it's not helping that he's dating a girl whom I also called best friend. She was also his ex. Crazy high school drama that I tried to avoid! Everything just hurts. Anyway, not the point of this entry. I wanted to talk about what I'm feeling right now. It's crazy 'cause I was listening to the radio this morning and "our song" came on. Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics for those who don't know it:
I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you
Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.
I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...
~Nelly
I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you
Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.
I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...
~Nelly
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