Jeremy

lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:

1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.

And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.

These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!

So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.

Do Your thing God, do Your thing.

~Nelly


And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.

~Insignia