The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.

♥ Anniversary ♥

Today is a special day.

1) It's my one year anniversary of creating a Blogger account :D

But more importantly...

ME AND JESUS MAKE THREE YEARS TODAY!

It was three years ago on Good Friday that I went under the water and "married" Christ. I was 15. And God has brought me so far. I remember last year when I couldn't even praise His name. Like, I was sitting in the ACPC room with the CADETS and I couldn't say "Hallelujah." Like, the words physically would not come out of my mouth. Now, I go to Bronx Bethany and I shout out the words. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!! And I'm with people that worship Him in song and life and in words. And they are not afraid to profess their faith. God, help me to tell others about you!

I woke up coughing riduculously this morning (I left the window slightly open and my pink zip-up was zipped down (lol) halfway). So after spitting and coughing and spitting and coughing, I started talking to God. I actually started last night. I read Luke 22:39-46 in Joel Osteen's Hope For Today Bible. I did not intend to read the side note that Joel I assume wrote because I think he focuses too much on the happy-go-lucky, prosperous aspect of Christianity and not the hard-to-follow truths. But you know, Joel has some good things to say. Like, God through Joel helped me to break the addiction of sucking my fingers (that was HARD). And what Joel had to say brought tears to my eyes last night.

I've been "bleh" lately. And maybe part of the reason is because I have not had anything to distract me from myself. I haven't been busy. Things have been weighing me down. Well, not weighing, but hovering over me. The men in my family are not saved. The woman in my family don't trust God fully (not in action; ex. tithing and putting their future in His hands). I feel conflicted and confused and hypocritcal. I still have to go through high school. I have no idea what my future is going to be like. I just feel so empty and blah-zay. That last sentence is probably just 'cause I am bored.

But I do feel conflicted. Like, I feel like I'm two different people. And that happens naturally. I don't try to be two different people; it's effortless. You have the me that I am at home and the me that I am outside. Angry, happy. Impatient, tolerant. Intolerant, giddy and hyper. It bugs me. And I should have more love for my family, not my friends. But that's not the case.

So these conflicting characteristics upset me. If I had a few more negative experiences and some more intense ones, I'd probably have split personality disorder. That's not even a joke. So getting over this is going to be pretty hard. But here's what Joel said:

"There he told them, 'Pray that you will not give in to temptation'" (Luke 22:40).

When Jesus told His disciples to pray about temptation, He didn't say, "Pray that you'll never be tempted." No, we all face temptation. But God says, "When temptation comes, ask Me for help." In any area that you're trying to change, even small things, just simply pray, "God, I'm asking You to help me make the best choice. Help me stay on Your best plan."

Yes, resisting temptation takes effort. It takes discipline. But the benefits far outweigh the work. It's so much worse to live in bondage. It's hard feeling bad about yourself, living below your potential. There is nothing worse than going through the day weighed down by habits that used to be temptations but are now part of your life.

Today you may be struggling with addictions or with your temper or with being impatient. Truthfully, you may have given up the struggle. Now you are dragging around in mediocrity, allowing something so small to control you. Let me tell you what you already know---you are better than that. You're a child of the Most High God. You have His royal blood flowing through your veins. Don't you dare just sit back and settle where you are. There is not an obstacle in your life that you cannot overcome, large or small. It doesn't matter if it's a critical spirit or if you're addicted to cocaine, the Power that's in you is greater than the power that's trying to hold you back. Dig your heels in and fight the good fight of faith. Don't let that thing master you. Keep the attitude, "That's it. I'm not staying where I am. I'm coming up higher. I know I'm better than this. God has a much better life for me to live."

I believe that God was definitely speaking to me through Joel. God's going to help me get through. And I know He will, because He's done it before. I couldn't praise Him last year; I can praise Him now. Last year, I had low self-esteem. A year later, thanks to Him, it's higher. I know that I deserve better. I don't know when the God in me will overcome the negative power holding me back. But I know it will happen. It will happen.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you so much. And I pray that I will not stop praising You and glorifying Your name and giving You thanks and living a life that honors YOU. May We keep on going for another three years and I pray that three years from now, this issue will be behind me, desposited in the Well of Experience and that the lessons I learn will be deposited in the Well of Wisdom. Help me to pray for Your help when I am tempted Lord so that I do not give in to sin. And help me to respect those who You have put in place to shepherd Your people.

Amen.

Excitement!

Five weeks ago yesterday, I fell out of a relationship with someone I called best friend. It's been really hard, and it's not helping that he's dating a girl whom I also called best friend. She was also his ex. Crazy high school drama that I tried to avoid! Everything just hurts. Anyway, not the point of this entry. I wanted to talk about what I'm feeling right now. It's crazy 'cause I was listening to the radio this morning and "our song" came on. Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse. Here are the lyrics for those who don't know it:

I'm desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
There's nothing else to find
There's nothing in the world
That can change my mind

There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else

I'm desperate for changing
I'm starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Just hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment
Hanging by a moment here with you

Absolutely awesome, sweet song. So I'd expect to feel bad and mope while listening to it (I didn't want to change the station. Totally torturous to do to myself right?) But you know what's crazy? I was grinning while I was listening to this song. Like, ear-to-ear smile. Even when I was recalling him singing it to me and how we had our first kiss after he sang it to me on Valentine's Day. And it wasn't even a psycho smile. I was so surprised by how much I was smiling, especially since I'm still blown away by how things ended up between us. I think I was smiling so much 'cause I'm really excited for the guy that God is going to put in my life. SO EXCITED! I can't wait, but then I can. I don't want to go through heartbreak like this again. Jeremy (my ex) said so many sweet things. So many sweet things! And you know how girls love to hear sweet things! So when I balance what he said against what he did the result is me thinking 'How could you?! How could you do this to me?!' Geez, that is not a fun feeling. So I'm willing to wait. I didn't wait for God's approval and I didn't listen to my own reasoning. I let the feelings take over. Warning to all who read this: If your feelings ever take over, stop. Don't make any decisions. Go to a person of integrity to give you an objective viewpoint. And it is tough to go against what you want/feel, but sometimes what you want/feel is not what's best for you. Ditch all that Hollywood movie crap, IT DOESN'T WORK IN THE REAL WORLD. Trust me, I know. My romantic Hollywood-movie fantasy was shot down 'cause reality hit me. I'm telling you, going against what you feel for the moment is better than going through pain. Because when you're in the pain, all you feel is regret. 'I should've listened to my head and not my heart. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had just listened! ARGH!' Oh boy is that feeling not fun! Day after day I went to the chapel to cry and pour myself out to Jesus. And I felt all this pain after just a 32-day relationship. Actually, it was longer. We were friends for a year and a half, so when we broke up, our friendship was strained. And when he started dating DeShana (his ex) again, our friendship ended. So I was crying over our entire friendship. And there is absolutely no going back to how we were as friends. Now, imagine if we had been dating longer. I'd be an even worse wreck. Wow.

I'm learning soooo much from this experience. I was so gullible and naive before this. I trusted everything that my friends said; I held them to their word. And now I know that people lie. Also, Jeremy is a serial dater and I knew that, but I thought that because I knew him better than his other girls had, I was different. *sticks out her tongue, does a raspberry and points her thumb downward* How delusional was I? Another really important thing that I learned is that this experience does not define me. It does not determine my worth. Just because I fell into the stupid high school drama circle, it doesn't mean that I'm a stupid high school girl. I'm very intelligent and intellectual, but intelligence can only get you so far. You need that good old wisdom ;) I'm a smart girl who made a stupid mistake by thinking that she was an exception. I got a shock and God let me know straight up "You're human just like everyone else." Man, that was a fun month that I had with him. But it wasn't meant to be, and I was hurt in the end. But you know? I'm getting stronger and wiser from this. I'm benefiting from the pain :). And it hurts now, but it'll hurt less in 3 weeks. And even less in 3 months. And in 3 years, it won't hurt at all XD. I know I'll be healed when I can go a whole day without the jerk entering my head. Everyday for 5 weeks he's been in my head! You how annoying it is? The guy dominates my thoughts and I hate that he has that power! Especially since he is way over me. Ugh, the idiot. I wanna be over it already >.< God is so sparing me because it could be so much worse. So much worse. He's not giving me more than I can handle and I am eternally grateful to Him for that. Thank you God, because I could be suffering so much worse. And He knows what I need and what's best for me. He gonna place the right guy right in front of me, I just have to be patient, obedient, and trusting of God's promises. It'll be the absolute perfect arranged marriage XD. Hmm, so exited am I. So excited am I...

~Nelly