IMs w/ Ogo & Darren

Ogochukwu Bizzy-Bo..."What is love? Love is life, love is pain, love is everything, including rain. Love is hard, love is sweet, love is everything in your dreams"- {O-E}about an hour ago

Yesterday
11:27pmOgochukwu
wow, ur upset, broken, hurt, and angry......whos to blame?

11:28pmJanell
No one's really to blame, today just really is not my day

But NJ is to blame too

11:29pmOgochukwu
ahh i c. well then be glad its almost ovr....wht he do?

11:29pmJanell
BROKE MY BIKE!

Rode it for the first time in forever on Wednesday, it's Friday and he already broke it -_-

11:30pmOgochukwu
ahhh...that explains y he said hes never riding bikes again. lmao.

how long u had it?

11:31pmJanell
It was Nicky then mines, but it's in good condition. It really hasn't been used that often

11:32pmOgochukwu
ahhh. i c. well then go brake nj.

11:33pmJanell
Tch, I WISH I could do that

11:33pmOgochukwu
lol, if only

11:34pmJanell
But I'm gonna be a good little Christian girl and I'm going to forgive him -___-

11:35pmOgochukwu
ahh so nice of u.....i kno i wouldnt...for a while at least

11:35pm (status)
Ogochukwu "What is love? Love is life, love is pain, love is everything, including rain. Love is hard, love is sweet, love is everything in your dreams"- {O-E}

11:36pmJanell
Normally, I wouldn't either, but I'm just tired of being mad

11:39pmOgochukwu
hmmm....well that wouldnt work for me. ive worked so hard to not get mad for so long that when i do get mad, i stay mad for quite a while.

11:41pmJanell
Other way around for me. I get mad too easily, like, really heated, and then it goes away after awhile.

11:56pmOgochukwu
noo....that used to be me...its taken me a good many years practice to learn patience and just let the little things go. otherwise, i would either be a bully, or be figting everyday.

Today
12:03amJanell
You used to fight and/or bully people?

12:22amOgochukwu
no....yes....when i was younger i always started fights/arguments cuzz of my temper. but i learned t ocontrol it...which is y i dont like getting angry, cuzz its like all the anger thats pent up inside gets released at once when i get angry

12:29amJanell
Yeah, I know what that's like. I got this anger bank and every time I get angry, more anger gets deposited. So when I get really pissed, the anger demon comes out.

12:31amOgochukwu
yea, thats it in a nutshell...only mine is like 10x worse cuzz it hasnt been relaesed in so long (at least not fully) that im afraid of lettig it out, so it just keeps on piling.

12:32amOgochukwu
thats y the gym was my home away from home for a while, i ould destress there...but havet been there in a while...planning on taking up martial arts to make up /replace that. get my ass kicked a bit, then kick ass alot.

12:33amJanell
lol! Kewlies. I'm taking some fighting classes too, gonna be a street fighter xD

But it's cool that you have control over your anger. Awed at how patient you were during that whole dog episode xD

12:34amOgochukwu
lol. good luck. i just need something that takes my mind away from things while giving me somehing i can actually use in life at the same time.

12:36amOgochukwu
omg u have no idea how much patience that took for me not to walk away within minutes of us stopping at the car wash..i mean we were there for almost an hr, so u can imagine.

12:36amJanell
laugh out loud!

Nicky says hi btw

12:37amOgochukwu
nowadays, the best teltale signs that im mad are: i stop talking or responding to someone, i laugh at things that arent really funny just so i wont get mad, i just smile and agree with what someone says as a wau yo not get into an argument and get mad as a result.

lol. HI NIKIIII> WHTS UP?

12:40amJanell
I think my new thing is that I start singing. Most of the time I'll just leave or argue. Yeah, no patience here

And Nicky says "I'm fine I guess"

12:42amOgochukwu
lol. yea.....singing wouldnt cut it for me, and alot of times, leaving isnt an option...especially at my job...damn those custmers test my patience just about everyday .

tell nikki i said, why is she guessing and that she should get facebook.

12:45amJanell
Yeah...couldn't work with people constantly like that, at least not at this stage of life.

And Nicky said she's considering getting a FB and she's good now

12:47amOgochukwu
frowning @ "considering"

12:48amJanell
lolz, she'll get one

I'll make sure

ooo, leave a work spot open for Sept. 19th

12:49amOgochukwu
its not the pople....i learned how to deal with them and how to deal with them already (shoot agter almost two years id better)...is the STUPID IDIOTIC CRAZY ANNOYING, customers thats the problem

12:49amJanell
Yeah, I mean thtem

meant* them

I'd rather shelve books

12:50amOgochukwu
what day is that? and why.

mm books...idk, i h8 those customers almost as much as i h8 doing something thats so boring like shelving books...

12:51amJanell
It's fun! Putting things in order xD

And my bro is having a cookout for his business and people are allowed to bring friends


I'm giving you MAD notice

12:54amOgochukwu
which bro is this?

ahh nvm i kno..its the one i met like nevertimes b4 lol

12:54amJanell
My older, 30-year-old bro.

12:55amOgochukwu
mm i c. where is it being held?

12:55amJanell
lolz, well you can meet him the Sat, sept. 19 when you WON'T work with annoying customers xD

New Rochelle

Glen Island Park

12:56amOgochukwu
ill put it in my phone and try to get the say off when i get to work tommorow..but u should remind me agin like 2 weeks or so b4 the day.

12:57amJanell
kk

Yay! I get to see Ogo again before he ages like 30 more years! xD

12:58amOgochukwu
lmao! i havent even aged 2 years

12:59amJanell
But it been a long time. It's like, stop by, say hi, then leave.

12:59amOgochukwu
although ill be close since my birthday is like a week and a half after that.

12:59amJanell
You're gonna be...21?

12:59amOgochukwu
lol. im a busy man.

and no ill bedouble duces

1:00amJanell
EWWW! GROSS!

1:00amOgochukwu
lol. thats a new eaction to being a year older lol

1:00amJanell
yUCKY! : - PPPP

Lol, you're getttinngggg oooooooollllllllddddddddd

22? Yeah, it's def. been like forever

1:01amOgochukwu
nah, not even close. when i h t my 30s then u can start calling me old...till then im just aging

lol no it hasnt. it hasnt even been a full year since i left

1:02amJanell
ugh, such dreaded words! aging and 30

Yeah, yeah

But this is how it goes

1:02amOgochukwu
yes and ull be doing both aging and turning 30

1:03amJanell
Pssshhhh naaawwww

I am aaaageless

1:08amJanell
Talk to you soon Ogo, gonna go bikeriding in the morning

Damnit, nvm my bike in broken -______-

1:11amOgochukwu
LMFAO!!! sorry i shouldt have laughed lol.

good night

1:12amJanell
Nighterz grandpa! :p

1:13amOgochukwu
:)


Darren Dawkins
12:47amDarren
hey u ok?

12:47amJanell
Yeah...today's just not my day

Well, yesterday

12:48amDarren
o what happened?

12:50amJanell
Bunch of stuff

Missed stuff, stuuf didn't happen, didn't get to go to stuff

My brother broke the bike I JUST got fixed >0

12:52amJanell
Anyway, I'll be good, I'll just sing Jesus songs

12:53amDarren
o ok

i hope u feel better

12:53amJanell
Thanks D! :)

Didja get my voicemail?

12:54amDarren
voicemail ?

o my fone was off

12:54amJanell
Oh I see

12:54amDarren
what happened?

12:54amJanell
Can you come 2 the show 2morrow?

12:55amDarren
na i hafta go wit my dad 2morrow see if i can get my sweater im sorry

the school sweater

12:56amJanell
Ish okay. Have fun with your Dad :)

12:56amDarren
lol fun with my dad thats funny

have fun at the show sorry again that i cant make it

12:58amJanell
Don't worry about it. If you want, you can go Sunday, but that's up to you

12:59amDarren
o ok

so janell hows it been going lately

1:00amJanell
It's been cool and sad at the same time xD

1:02amDarren
o

1:03amJanell
How 'bout you man?

1:04amDarren
im gud chilling

1:04amJanell
Sweet, that's what you should be doing

You should come to band camp

We def. have guitarists there

1:06amDarren
o shit i forgot all about it

1:06amJanell
lol!

Come Monday, 9:30

D, gotta go, my Dad needs the comp

Ttyl!

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

About thirty minutes ago, I did something really crazy.

I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.

I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.

So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.

So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."

---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it

So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.

DUNT DUNT DUNT.

So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.

So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:

Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.

I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!

But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.

And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.