Ugh, I hate feeling this way. So conflicted!
So this week is the first week of classes. Yesterday I had Sociology 100B and Psych 112 (Psych Lab). They weren't bad. At 8:30 this morning, I had Psych 243 which is Psych Stats. They were not bad at all, I actually really like my classes. Except for Intro to Asian Philosophy. My God is that class spiritually upsetting! I sit in this class and I am hearing the views of these other philosophers, things like "God is the deepest part of the self... God is who you, and everybody else, really are."
WHAT???!!!
It is spiritually repulsive. I do not like sitting in that class at all. And then I see the people in my class, listening intently and possessing faces of interest. At what level of interest, I suppose they vary. Some looking for a philosophy to follow, some adamant about their own beliefs (me), others just wanting to learn about Asian philosophy, and others just wanting to learn about their culture/own philosophical beliefs in this course. Ah boy, I do not know if I can take this class. So many questions arise such as "Is there merit to what they believe? These are philosophies that existed before Jesus even came to Earth. How can there be blame that they came up with these thoughts of God when there was no knowledge of the Hebrew God presented to them?" Or "Am I a Christian just because Christianity is all that was presented before me in my life?" I do not want to follow Christ because He is all I know or because other people follow Him. That is not at all a basis to do anything. There is no thinking for the self in that situation. But then, just because Christianity is the only way of life that I have been exposed to does not mean that it is not the truth. That is a silly notion. But I bring this latter question up because I just want to be rooted in my faith not on the basis that many others believe or because it's all I've known. That is shallow and narrow. I want to fear Jesus Christ because He is the Right Way, because He is the Truth, because there is True Life in Him. I want to fear Jesus because He is the only way to GOD (defined as the Creator of the Universe--- not as an ant -____-). HALLELUJAH. Praise Yahweh! Please help me Lord. Keep me FIRM and STEADFAST in You. Give me boldness and strength. EMPOWER me Holy Spirit! Holy, HOLY Spirit, for that is what You are! HOLY!
Into MARVELOUS LIGHT! I'm running!
Out of Darkness! Out of Shame!
By the CROSS YOU are the TRUTH!
You are the LIFE!
You are the WAY!
Hallelujah to the King of Kings!
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Hallelujah to the Lord of Lords!
He is the GREAT I AM!!!!!
He is our King!
He is our Love!
He our God Who's come to bring us back to Him!
He is the One!
He is JESUS!
Thank You Lord. I want to praise and worship You all of the days of my life. Root me in YOU oh Lord. And may my declaration of Your Lordship not be shallow, but a true and deep knowing of Your Glory, Sovereignty, and Supremacy. I do not now if I will have future doubts or more deep troublings in my spirit, but I pray that You will comfort and encourage me through it all. Oh no, please never let go, through the calm and through the storm, in every high and low. NEVER let go of me Jesus.
Thank You Lord.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
b-o-r-e-d
Currently Listening to Stellar Kart's Newest Album "Everything is Different Now"
I am so bored. I got to Binghamton yesterday at around 2 pm and there was hardly anybody on my floor. It was really weird coming back to life at Bing. after being at home for 5 weeks. Stephen said that after the summer it's even weirder; I can imagine.
So because I am so bored, I decided to blog (lol, when all attempts to occupy self fail, you can always rely on YouTube and blogging. But blogging more so). Hmmmm, what's been on my mind lately? Oh, I am super bummed that Stephen is not at Bing this semester. Total downer. I've also been really contemplating how much I want to grow as a Christian this year. I want to be bolder and have greater discernment. I want to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I'll be more sensitive to what He's saying to me or telling me to do. More sync, less confusion/questions about what God wants me to do. I also very much want to have a greater faith and trust in God. I hung out with Roschelle this past Wednesday and she said that if she can trust God with the destination of her soul and believes that He is the Great Everything, if God tells her to tell a man that God loves Him she should be able to trust God on that level as well. And that is so true. I sing all the time that I trust in You and this year I realized that I really don't. 'Cause if I did, there would not be so much hesitation to do the things You tell me to do Lord. Please increase my faith and make me ever sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Hallelujah.
Ugh, joy killed. I have to call Pastor, for my mother says so -____-
God, help me in this phone conversation with Pastor. Help me to be humble. Guide the words that come out of my mouth, 'cause I have no idea what I am going to say. And please help me not to harbor so much resentment against him. That is not Christ-like at all.
Oh sigh.
Jesus please help me.
So that is the important stuff running through my mind at the moment. Classes start Monday, and I am ready to kick butt! But until then, I shall... figure out things to do.
Toodles.
-Salmon Out
I am so bored. I got to Binghamton yesterday at around 2 pm and there was hardly anybody on my floor. It was really weird coming back to life at Bing. after being at home for 5 weeks. Stephen said that after the summer it's even weirder; I can imagine.
So because I am so bored, I decided to blog (lol, when all attempts to occupy self fail, you can always rely on YouTube and blogging. But blogging more so). Hmmmm, what's been on my mind lately? Oh, I am super bummed that Stephen is not at Bing this semester. Total downer. I've also been really contemplating how much I want to grow as a Christian this year. I want to be bolder and have greater discernment. I want to be more in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I'll be more sensitive to what He's saying to me or telling me to do. More sync, less confusion/questions about what God wants me to do. I also very much want to have a greater faith and trust in God. I hung out with Roschelle this past Wednesday and she said that if she can trust God with the destination of her soul and believes that He is the Great Everything, if God tells her to tell a man that God loves Him she should be able to trust God on that level as well. And that is so true. I sing all the time that I trust in You and this year I realized that I really don't. 'Cause if I did, there would not be so much hesitation to do the things You tell me to do Lord. Please increase my faith and make me ever sensitive to the Holy Spirit. Hallelujah.
Ugh, joy killed. I have to call Pastor, for my mother says so -____-
God, help me in this phone conversation with Pastor. Help me to be humble. Guide the words that come out of my mouth, 'cause I have no idea what I am going to say. And please help me not to harbor so much resentment against him. That is not Christ-like at all.
Oh sigh.
Jesus please help me.
So that is the important stuff running through my mind at the moment. Classes start Monday, and I am ready to kick butt! But until then, I shall... figure out things to do.
Toodles.
-Salmon Out
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Old Addiction + Strong God = Deliverance
So today I went to the library to get on the computer and deal with scholarship stuff but for some reason, the system would not allow me to sign up. Sometimes, when I go to the library to complete a task and either I finish it quickly or am unable to complete it, I walk over to the manga section and pretend like I am actually looking for something. Like I came to the library for a purpose, not just to see if people are there. And after looking like I have a purpose for a long enough time, I walk away.
But I didn't this time.
Instead, I picked up Nana Vol. 11 (which took forever to get to the library. The collection went from10 to 12 -_-;) and started reading it. I was at the library from 3 until 7:30. I read 3 volumes. 3. No breaks in between.
I left the library and I realized that I'd wasted my time. I spent 4 and a half hours--OHMYGOSH, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS?! Reading MANGAS! And the content was not even edifying. The things in those particular pages were not of God and were not what I should be feeding my mind with. And the plot took a lame direction anyway. You know, I used to think that life outside my manga-anime realm would be so dull and lame. But I started living once I gave it up. I am so glad I'm blogging about this x).
So here's how things used to be.
I wanna say it began when I was around 7. I rediscovered my passion for Sailor Moon and started hanging pictures and idolizing the characters. Then I got really into DBZ again and idolized the characters of other animes like Digimon and Pokemon. I collected pictures I printed out from the library and hung some up on walls. I still have some somewhere. My passion slowed down a little bit in '03/'04, but it was revived when I took a trip down to Florida and met a cousin who was gung-hoe about anime. During that visit I saw Spirited Away and all three Sailor Moon movies. And since then, it's been on fire until around 2008. Even into 2009. I never thought I'd stop being an anime fan. It was my refuge. It is so easy to get lost in an manga.
And the Japanese anime entered my head too. Different scenarios played in my head and I would waste my hours dreaming up alternate scenes to the ones I saw on TV. It was my escape, my outlet. And in a very real way, my god.
I knew something was wrong. I couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how I tried. I tried to suppress my conscience and my gut which were telling me that these things were my idols and that was not right. Only God knows how I got to the place where I am now in terms of my Christian walk with Him. I was so bound and so far from Christ. Like, I believed in Him but I was not willing to give up my lifestyle. At some point, I wanted to change my habit but I felt this was my only getaway, my only outlet. After awhile, I was fantasizing whenever I had free time. It was a distraction that consumed my life.
And then there was a new distraction: Jeremy.
And he consumed my thoughts. And when I went through that painful experience March of 2009, anime couldn't save me. Thoughts of Sesshomaru, Kouga, Ichigo could deliver me. I couldn't bury myself in a manga and be okay. Because when I'd finish that volume, I'd be hit by reality again. God brought me through, God was with me 24/7, God was real. Not a figment of my imagination. I did not even attempt to retreat to my fantasy realm when I was hurt by Jeremy. I'm glad that I knew to run straight to the Father.
So after reading the mangas, I thought "Why am I doing this?" My brother was locked out of the apartment from 3 pm to 7:15 because I was in manga world. I realized what a waste of time it is for me and how much it crowds and clutters my mind. In and of themselves, mangas and anime are not bad. It could be a very positive outlet for some people. But for me, anime is an addictive drug which cannot be handled in moderation.
So what should you take from my story? Anything outside of God is LAME. That's not even the word. It's damaging to the human spirit. And no matter what you are bound by, God can bring you through it. Even if you think that there is nothing better than where you are at now, God will open your eyes. Even if you think that life sucks and will never improve, God will show you how dead wrong you are. I walked out of that library thankful that I delight in Christ and thankful that I am in Him and that I left that life behind. I am so glad I know God!
And you can know Him too.
Take heart! Where there is God, there is hope for a brighter, meaningful, joyful, loving LIFE.
With much love,
Janell
But I didn't this time.
Instead, I picked up Nana Vol. 11 (which took forever to get to the library. The collection went from10 to 12 -_-;) and started reading it. I was at the library from 3 until 7:30. I read 3 volumes. 3. No breaks in between.
I left the library and I realized that I'd wasted my time. I spent 4 and a half hours--OHMYGOSH, FOUR AND A HALF HOURS?! Reading MANGAS! And the content was not even edifying. The things in those particular pages were not of God and were not what I should be feeding my mind with. And the plot took a lame direction anyway. You know, I used to think that life outside my manga-anime realm would be so dull and lame. But I started living once I gave it up. I am so glad I'm blogging about this x).
So here's how things used to be.
I wanna say it began when I was around 7. I rediscovered my passion for Sailor Moon and started hanging pictures and idolizing the characters. Then I got really into DBZ again and idolized the characters of other animes like Digimon and Pokemon. I collected pictures I printed out from the library and hung some up on walls. I still have some somewhere. My passion slowed down a little bit in '03/'04, but it was revived when I took a trip down to Florida and met a cousin who was gung-hoe about anime. During that visit I saw Spirited Away and all three Sailor Moon movies. And since then, it's been on fire until around 2008. Even into 2009. I never thought I'd stop being an anime fan. It was my refuge. It is so easy to get lost in an manga.
And the Japanese anime entered my head too. Different scenarios played in my head and I would waste my hours dreaming up alternate scenes to the ones I saw on TV. It was my escape, my outlet. And in a very real way, my god.
I knew something was wrong. I couldn't deny it anymore, no matter how I tried. I tried to suppress my conscience and my gut which were telling me that these things were my idols and that was not right. Only God knows how I got to the place where I am now in terms of my Christian walk with Him. I was so bound and so far from Christ. Like, I believed in Him but I was not willing to give up my lifestyle. At some point, I wanted to change my habit but I felt this was my only getaway, my only outlet. After awhile, I was fantasizing whenever I had free time. It was a distraction that consumed my life.
And then there was a new distraction: Jeremy.
And he consumed my thoughts. And when I went through that painful experience March of 2009, anime couldn't save me. Thoughts of Sesshomaru, Kouga, Ichigo could deliver me. I couldn't bury myself in a manga and be okay. Because when I'd finish that volume, I'd be hit by reality again. God brought me through, God was with me 24/7, God was real. Not a figment of my imagination. I did not even attempt to retreat to my fantasy realm when I was hurt by Jeremy. I'm glad that I knew to run straight to the Father.
So after reading the mangas, I thought "Why am I doing this?" My brother was locked out of the apartment from 3 pm to 7:15 because I was in manga world. I realized what a waste of time it is for me and how much it crowds and clutters my mind. In and of themselves, mangas and anime are not bad. It could be a very positive outlet for some people. But for me, anime is an addictive drug which cannot be handled in moderation.
So what should you take from my story? Anything outside of God is LAME. That's not even the word. It's damaging to the human spirit. And no matter what you are bound by, God can bring you through it. Even if you think that there is nothing better than where you are at now, God will open your eyes. Even if you think that life sucks and will never improve, God will show you how dead wrong you are. I walked out of that library thankful that I delight in Christ and thankful that I am in Him and that I left that life behind. I am so glad I know God!
And you can know Him too.
Take heart! Where there is God, there is hope for a brighter, meaningful, joyful, loving LIFE.
With much love,
Janell
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Amazing Faith
Yeah, so I guess I was totally lazy and did not post up the other college descriptions. Eh, still a little lazy xD. Yesterday, I took my SAT. I am so glad it's over! It was so long, 10 sections, about 4 hours. A 4 hour test! That should be illegal, it sounds so unreasonable and irrational! Ugh whatever, it's done, at least until October. I took it at Truman High School and it was like a 180 reunion and a Spellman get-together at the same time. Too many familiar faces. Freeeaaaky.
So Friday morning, I was being really silly. I was reading IM convos that I used to have with my ex-boyfriend. Irony of everything was really funny. Like, I told him "You have to promise not to stab me in the back because I'm gonna say something cheesy that'll make me vulnerable." He said "I promise." Then I was like "If you were to die, I would cry harder than your mother because she at least has one other child, but I only have one best friend." We weren't dating at this point, but I find it funny that a) he did stab me in the back (more like the heart) and b) we aren't friends anymore xD. It's funny, but at the same time it's sad 'cause it's crazy that after everything, this is where we wound up. Two extremely distant people who at one point were so close. It's unfortunate, but what can you do? Answer: Just move on. God has my back, so I'm good =)
On another note, Thursday was quite a day. I was at Bank Street for the College Writing Workshop. Joel and Lauren found out that Jeremy and I went out and the things they said really put me in a good mood. The first thing Lauren said was "You didn't lose anything." lol, it was really cool. And Joel was astonished, her face was hilarious. She couldn't see why I even bothered. lol. They didn't bash him ridiculously, but they were basically saying that I can do better. They were voicing something I have already concluded: "I can do better, I can do better. HUGH!" (Avril song I Can Do Better XD). Thanks guys. And Luis's poetry is amazing, oh my gosh! Like, he did some improv. and my eyes welled up. It was so real xD. The topic was ex-boyfriends. lol, typing this all out makes it seem like I'm not over Jeremy, but it's just that he's come up randomly in the past few days. In my head and in conversations 0_0. Strange... But anyway, Luis's poems are amazing. I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't do something with his work. Do you here me Luis? You are too good not to do anything!!!
But the biggest thing that made my Thursday was the train ride home. I was on the 2 train, and this guy comes on the train. He apologized for disturbing us and then told his story. He is HIV positive and left the homeless shelter where he was at, for he was beaten and robbed. His family won't speak to him. He's getting his paperwork and stuff together I guess so that he can get housing, but in the meantime he's living on the streets. He said that he uses his gift for reciting original poetry in asking for donations. When he started his poem, it wasn't anything dynamic, not in terms of how he recited it or the words he used. It wasn't like Luis's where you are just awed that he was able to come up with this stuff. Naw, this poem was very simple. What was dynamic about this poem was the subject of it. A little ways into it, he used the the word "He" referring to God. Then I heard "Lord" and "Jesus." He was saying that Jesus is always with him and that that's where he finds strength and comfort. Basically that's what he was saying. I gave him the dollar I was gonna spend on ice cream. I wish I had like 5 to give him. It was amazing! That feeling I felt after he said his poem. I was so touched. Here is a man in such a terrible situation. The man is dying. Dying. But you know what he's doing? He praising God through his poetry. And it was absolutely different from your typical testimony. A typical testimony talks about how God brought someone through something. How they went through a trying time, but God carried them out. Those are awesome, but this one was different. In this case, the guy is still in his trial; he's still in deep trouble. And you know what he's doing? Reciting poetry about God. Man, that touched me so much. So many other people in his situation would turn away from God, reject Him. Blame Him for their situation. But what is this guy doing? Praising His name through poetry! I can't get over that, it's amazing! And though it was simpler, his poem hit me way harder than Luis's. I welled up with Luis's poem; with this guy I sobbed. Awh man did I sob! I sobbed walking home from the train station, truly amazed by this man's story. God is so amazing. I can imagine the peace that man is experiencing right now. Do I want a faith like that! Amazing faith. That should be a song xD. I should have asked for the guy's name again. Damn! I think it was Joseph. So guys, please pray for Joseph. God, that was amazing. Thank You that I got to hear his story.
So yeah, I'll end my rambling there :)
So Friday morning, I was being really silly. I was reading IM convos that I used to have with my ex-boyfriend. Irony of everything was really funny. Like, I told him "You have to promise not to stab me in the back because I'm gonna say something cheesy that'll make me vulnerable." He said "I promise." Then I was like "If you were to die, I would cry harder than your mother because she at least has one other child, but I only have one best friend." We weren't dating at this point, but I find it funny that a) he did stab me in the back (more like the heart) and b) we aren't friends anymore xD. It's funny, but at the same time it's sad 'cause it's crazy that after everything, this is where we wound up. Two extremely distant people who at one point were so close. It's unfortunate, but what can you do? Answer: Just move on. God has my back, so I'm good =)
On another note, Thursday was quite a day. I was at Bank Street for the College Writing Workshop. Joel and Lauren found out that Jeremy and I went out and the things they said really put me in a good mood. The first thing Lauren said was "You didn't lose anything." lol, it was really cool. And Joel was astonished, her face was hilarious. She couldn't see why I even bothered. lol. They didn't bash him ridiculously, but they were basically saying that I can do better. They were voicing something I have already concluded: "I can do better, I can do better. HUGH!" (Avril song I Can Do Better XD). Thanks guys. And Luis's poetry is amazing, oh my gosh! Like, he did some improv. and my eyes welled up. It was so real xD. The topic was ex-boyfriends. lol, typing this all out makes it seem like I'm not over Jeremy, but it's just that he's come up randomly in the past few days. In my head and in conversations 0_0. Strange... But anyway, Luis's poems are amazing. I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't do something with his work. Do you here me Luis? You are too good not to do anything!!!
But the biggest thing that made my Thursday was the train ride home. I was on the 2 train, and this guy comes on the train. He apologized for disturbing us and then told his story. He is HIV positive and left the homeless shelter where he was at, for he was beaten and robbed. His family won't speak to him. He's getting his paperwork and stuff together I guess so that he can get housing, but in the meantime he's living on the streets. He said that he uses his gift for reciting original poetry in asking for donations. When he started his poem, it wasn't anything dynamic, not in terms of how he recited it or the words he used. It wasn't like Luis's where you are just awed that he was able to come up with this stuff. Naw, this poem was very simple. What was dynamic about this poem was the subject of it. A little ways into it, he used the the word "He" referring to God. Then I heard "Lord" and "Jesus." He was saying that Jesus is always with him and that that's where he finds strength and comfort. Basically that's what he was saying. I gave him the dollar I was gonna spend on ice cream. I wish I had like 5 to give him. It was amazing! That feeling I felt after he said his poem. I was so touched. Here is a man in such a terrible situation. The man is dying. Dying. But you know what he's doing? He praising God through his poetry. And it was absolutely different from your typical testimony. A typical testimony talks about how God brought someone through something. How they went through a trying time, but God carried them out. Those are awesome, but this one was different. In this case, the guy is still in his trial; he's still in deep trouble. And you know what he's doing? Reciting poetry about God. Man, that touched me so much. So many other people in his situation would turn away from God, reject Him. Blame Him for their situation. But what is this guy doing? Praising His name through poetry! I can't get over that, it's amazing! And though it was simpler, his poem hit me way harder than Luis's. I welled up with Luis's poem; with this guy I sobbed. Awh man did I sob! I sobbed walking home from the train station, truly amazed by this man's story. God is so amazing. I can imagine the peace that man is experiencing right now. Do I want a faith like that! Amazing faith. That should be a song xD. I should have asked for the guy's name again. Damn! I think it was Joseph. So guys, please pray for Joseph. God, that was amazing. Thank You that I got to hear his story.
So yeah, I'll end my rambling there :)
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