Jeffrey

Wow.

Today, Daytona called me and told me that Jeffrey Cabral, a fellow member of ours in the Liberty LEADS program at Bank Street College, hung himself. This is going to be really hard to write about.

Ummmm.......

So, Jeffrey and I were never close friends, but we went through a good part of high school together in Liberty and conversed every now and then. He was a goof, but he was uplifting and encouraging and seemed to just have such a hopeful outlook on life. He seemed to approach life with the attitude "Even though things are rough and difficult, I will overcome." Daytona was even closer to him and they engaged in deep conversation all the time. Jesus, please be with her and help her.

I was crying out "Why God, WHY?!" And it was not a cry of anger but of pain. Why did Jeffrey have to die like this? With no hope? I looked at his pictures on Facebook and I am so heartbroken. In almost every profile picture, he is smiling. I am so hurt. Why Jeffrey? Didn't you think about the people around you? How much they would hurt? Jeffrey, you must have know that death was not the answer!

Jesus, why didn't You reach him? Why did he have to die this way? Please Lord, make good come out of this. Please help those who know You understand that You are not blind to this and You care. You understand their pain. And for those who do not know You, I pray that they will not resent You and hate You. Help them understand that You are the God who cares deeply for His creation. You did not want this to happen.

And what gets me too is that it's so easy to say "Rest In Peace" or "I know you are in a better place." But no, you don't that he's in a better place. It's not that every person who dies goes to a better place. I think we deceive ourselves when we say that. And that makes reconciling the pain even harder. I hurt because Jeffrey lost hope. The hope and encouragement that he infected others with was not present in his own life. He despaired. He despaired. He lost hope. He took his life.

I hurt Lord. We hurt. Please meet us in the pain. Teach me how to pray for His soul. Help me pray for his family, his mother. Please hear my heart Lord. Comfort me. Help me to know with my heart that You hear and You understand. Thank You Lord for not ignoring my pain, for seeing my suffering and saying that it is not nothing; it has meaning.

Hallelujah.

Help me Lord to praise You in this storm.

Let it be so.

Patient, Persistent PRAYER

So God has been showing me the importance of prayer lately. Lately as in the beginning of this past semester and again this past week. Pastor Richie said Saturday-gone at Misfit Service that "Patient and persistent prayer is not foolishness." And this week God gave me a lot to pray for. 1) There is this whole crush thing that is KILLING me, UGH! 2) I NEED guidance and strength and boldness to go on with the New Student Outreach stuff at InterVarsity. I need help in evangelizing! 2) I met with Krystal today to catch up about stuff and I need to lift her in prayer 3) Leon asked me today to lift him up in prayer before the Lord in regards to school and carrying on in another semester 4) I need to lift up Renée in prayer and she deals with a relationship 5) I need to pray for Brittany and for God to bless her with strength to go through school. Also for God to bless her with a better understanding of Him. 6) For Grace Baptist Chapel, especially the youth. 7) That my family will become followers of Christ/will delve deeper into Him. 8) For Nico and her mother and family in the death of her father. Oh Lord. 9) For DeShana and others in their college app. process. 10) For the brother of a Christian who recently gave his life to Christ at Hillsong NYC.

Whew. Lots of praying to do!

And the more I pray and fast, the greater my testimony. (Hmmmm, I wonder if that is a doctrinally sound statement...)

God, I'm believing for a breakthrough in each of these areas (most. def the first one -_-). Do great and marvelous things in the lives of my brothers and sisters and help me to be patient and persistent in my requests to You Lord Jesus. And Lord, help me to look forward to the joy that will be in my heart when you answer the prayers of your child. Give me a patient heart Lord!

Amen.

-Salmon Out

Beauty and Selfworth

God, I'm distraught.
My best friend is settling for the guy that I believe you have not set for her. She thinks that I'm overacting, but I just want her to be with someone who is worthy of her. A little while ago, I came to the full realization that my best friend has low self-esteem. It never really hit me. I mean, yeah she has her low days, but I never really thought of her as having low self-esteem. That's like, a forbidden word. And it hurts me a lot, 'cause she built me up so much. She's supposed to be the strong one. God, I think you're putting me through a trial as well. I can't do everything. No matter what I say, it's not helping. Maybe I said to much, maybe I was too harsh. Now she thinks that I'm disappointed in her. I'm not, I'm just...sad. I'm really sad for her. I would hate for her to regret her decision later in life (if they got married) and for her to wish that she had just waited on God. But man, waiting on You is worth it! God, show her! You will reward her for her faithfulness, teach her to be faithful. Speak to her God, really speak to her. I mean, maybe I am blowing things up. He's a Christian, but he's selfish and sarcastic, and that's cool and all, You're still working on him. But man, he's not for her! If she just trusts and waits You will give her the man of her dreams. Man God, I'm so hurt by the fact that she thinks she can't do better. She doesn't think she's all that pretty, that she doesn't fit the "male-attraction" quotient. Which is bull, 'cause she has a beautiful spirit and a gorgeous face. And she's got meat to her, but she's not obese, and so what if she was? She says that I'm like those American Idol families who tell their relatives that they can sing. I said, "I'm not lying to you." She says those people are not lying either, they truly believe that their relative can sing. That stung me; my point of view is subjective so it doesn't count. She's basing her beauty on male preference and that really pisses me off. And this sounds cliche, but beauty is really only skin deep:

The phrase refers to the outward beauty of a person. Of course, we must realise that a person can be beautiful on the inside. Such a person is often referred to as a 'lovely' person. However, when we refer to something beautiful we are usually referring to that something's outward appearance. What the phrase tries to emphasise is that the outward appearance of a person counts for nothing, but it is what lies beneath the skin, the actual person him/herself is what really matters. I believe the underlying message of this saying is completely true (http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_does_'beauty_is_only_skin_deep'_mean).

My bf is beautiful just 'cause You made her and even more admirable because she chose to live her life serving You. God don't like ugly, so He didn't create it.

Ugh, God, I'm handing this over to You. I can do nothing. I'm leaving it all in Your hands. I know that you hear me.

Amen.

Ugh, people...

...are ridiculous -_-

I would just like to record this small event so that when I'm reading this in the future, I can be reminded of how stupid Collins is.

Edit 5/23
So, last week on Monday, it is decided that my friend will be the Vice Presidential candidate for the red party. I was really excited, so I was helping her out and such.

Edit 5/27
The Vice Presidential candidate for the blue party is a friend of ours, so she told us that someone had drawn a picture of a penis on the poster on the bathroom door. Her boyfriend, Collins, had told her this.
So, I found the poster and took it down. We saw Collins soon after and VP Red said "Thank You" and I said "Yeah, thanks for telling us what they wrote."

Then he went off.
Started insulting me and spazzing.
And I was really shocked.

Supposedly, he thought accused him of drawing the picture and thought I was thanking him sarcastically. He called me Medusa and said I should get a perm (I have natural twists). And it was really surprising to me because I was genuinely thanking him for letting us know (indirectly though) about what was drawn on the poster. I figured that he was just looking for a reason to get mad at me, 'cause I felt like deep down he doesn't really like me. And to tell you the truth, I don't really like him either. He takes his anger out on other people and gets mad over the smallest things. And he acts like he's the sugar honey. Why do I need lame people like that in my life again? I don't :-p
The next day, his girlfriend comes up to me and asks what happened, 'cause she wasn't present. I gladly tell her and she said that he was cursing about me and a whole bunch.I told her that I don't think he likes me and this was an excuse to spazz on me. But then she said something that surprised me. Later on when she was calming him down, he said that he was upset because he just got into an argument with a good friend. Good friend my ass -_-. He doesn't know how to be one. HE doesn't get what he wants he feels insulted, like, he just finds reasons to spazz! He doesn't even try to understand. I was explaining myself to him and I was making perfect sense (and this is not biased because I have a witness) and it was all just stupid. Really realy stupid. Whatev. I'm definitely writing this two weeks after the event (the red party won by the way, W00T! GO RED! XD) but I just wanted to record this so that I could remember when I read back and show my children so that they can beware of stupid people. God's taking care of me, taking the unnecessary people and people-destroyers out of my life. =)

Smilez!

(Posted 6/4 ^_^''')