Lord,

I hurt.

I miss my brother. But for what? What do I miss? Everything was so skewed anyway. And can we ever be friends again anyway? I desire him in a much deeper way than that and I don't know how I can have that desire and not revert back to the way things were when I was hanging out with him all the time. I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have for an older brother/father figure (this thought came to me the other day; maybe I did not seek a person to fill the father role because I already had one but since the emotional presence was not there, I desired the older brother because I thought that was from where the emotion-ness would come) and I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have to intimately be with someone. How unhealthy that was. I am so glad to be out of it before it got worse, and there has been a joy that comes from freedom since I parted with him (it is creepy how much of an awesome week I had... seemingly too good to be true) but at the same time I miss him. And that missing, I fear, is turning/going to turn into a annooying/painstaking feeling of "I want to BE with somebody!!!!" Huh. New thought. That desire to be with someone will only grow. It was subdued for a while because I had my relationship with Garnett filling in. But he's not here anymore. And this is going to be lonely. I wonder if it's the same for him. I was wondering a little bit about what God is teaching him through this. And I wonder if it's the fact that he can't be protector. He can't be the one on whom a person relies or depends (she is the one on whom we can depend, she is the one named Sailor Moon!....... sorry).

Lol.

He just walked by and my stomach just jumped so hard/much. I'm in the little room next to the Digman Downstairs Lounge, the one that does not have a door and where I led my first small group. Think it was him, from my peripheral, the guy was tall and black and wearing a suit jacket. Yup. Hear his voice and maybs Sam. Thought I saw Debs leave from my peripheral a few minutes ago. Whatever, this is totally irrelevant.

As I was saying, I wonder if he's learning a similar lesson. And if feelings of loneliness will come up because I'm not there for him to try to protect anymore. Ugh. I hate thinking like this. Honestly, I feel quite lame. I took this guy and made him so much! Girl with a big heart and big needs looking in the wrong places. And I confessed to Ray (who is actually real easy to talk to and we spoke 'til like 6:30 this morning... woke up for church at 10:15 o_o) that part of me is glad when I find out he is actually pretty affected by this because it makes me know that I was actually appreciated by him. And it's hard for me to fully accept that he's affected by this so much because I feel like it does not compare to how I feel about. Fact of the matter is, as much as he appreciates me, it doesn't mean anything: it will never be in the way that I desire. And how can I keep my feelings at bay when God's love and Spirit is so much in him!

Ahhhh. Really can't even to think out how things will work out. This really for God to do because I have no clue how I ever be this guy's actual friend while still having feelings for him. And I have no idea how long this trial will last. And I definitely don't know the greater picture for what I am supposed to learn. But it's not for me to know. It's for me to look at Jesus only and put my hope in Him. And Lord, I thank You so much for the peace and the companionship. What would I do without You????

Oh Great and Mighty One

With one desire I come

That You would Reign

That You would Reign in me. Amen.

Lord, would you be enough for me please? Please? Please?

And Lord I pray for Stephen. Right now, I pray aside from what I feel. I pray that You would be his sustenance. However this affected him, whether as much or far less, would You use this experience to correct him and guide him to You as well? Hallelujah. Be glorified in this Lord Jesus. And as I have prayed before, may this relationship between Garnett and I be what You want it to be. Whatever is not glorifying to You, take out, even if it means that our friendship is never restored. I thank You Father that You mean things to work out for my good too. You don't have to do that. Yet You promised it. Wow. You really mean that then. That all things work together for my good. Wow. Thanks a lot God. And I thank You for PEACE. Even though I have yet to plan small group and I've got work to do, I thank You so much that it's in it's perspective and these things are not running my heart. Really God, thank You for this mercy. And for the community. Oh man, how much You have done that cannot even be contained in this blogpost!! I thank You Jesus. Thank You for calling me right back to You. Hallelujah.

In the Name of the Son Jesus I pray with much thanksgiving in my heart,

Amen.