I miss my brother.

But I don't know what kind of miss.

Like,

I said to myself today that I really love him. But in what way?

In Anthropology today, we talked about limitations of language. And in the English language, the word love has so many different meanings. How do I differentiate between my love for tamarind balls and my love for my friend? We use the same word in each situation to describe our deep affection, that's crazy!

So even with Garnett, I can't figure it out. In what way do I love him? Is it still in an idolizing way? Am I ignoring his faultiness or choosing to look past them? Because if the former, I do not love him, I'm just keeping him on a pedestal, a pedestal that undermines the fact that he is human and flawed. If the latter, then my love runs deeper than what I see on the outside.

What does it look like to love someone for who they are? Love their true identity? If Christ is your base and the One you root yourself in, that is where your identity lies. That is who I am. I am who I am in Christ Jesus alone. How do I love someone for who he is in Christ alone? For who she is in Christ alone? How do I love past the mistakes, past the lack, past the inabilities, past the heritage, skin color, dread locks, physical attraction, differences, similarities? I don't want my love to depend on external characteristics, but the heavenly quality of being a son of God. That's why I want to love Garnett.

Lord, I pray for help. Because it's also difficult for me to comprehend how I can love this guy without my romantic feelings getting in the way/being a distraction. How can my romantic feelings be reconciled with genuinely loving him when his feelings for me are not reciprocated? The line is so muddy and I don't understand. But You know and I pray that You will teach me. And in teaching me through this experience Lord, I pray that You would teach me how to love other people. Past every great characteristic and past every flaw. Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please.

Praise Yahweh, Amen.

4:50 pm.