Lord,

I miss my brobro.

Today I was feeling weird because I realized that I lost a really important friend to me, and yet I'm fine. Like, I'm really okay. And I feel like I should feel a little bad. I am measuring his level of importance to me by how I feel now that he's gone. And I feel so good! It's creeping me out. But then he came up in conversation with the freshman Staci, who lives on his floor, and it sucks that I can't really talk like I know him so well anymore. I still do, and I can get away with it for a little while, but depending on where God takes this, there will be a time where a whole chunk of his life has passed by and I can't talk about him like I know him anymore. Ooouch. I guess I feel like I should feel some guilt for what I did. But God called me to do it; what guilt is there in doing the will of God.

These feelings take there root in something that happened yesterday. Jon Ye called me to do a last minute video for large group tomorrow. It was an Expedition plug and he needed extras. So I was like sure. And guess who was there. I texted Jerry this: Praaaay for me please. We are in the same room, this is aaawkward. And I was being really chipper and everything to try to make myself feel more comfortable. We weren't really talking to each other, just to others in the room, and then I asked him how his day was. He said it was awesome, Will is he new best friend. And then he did a mean laugh to Ray. Anyway, before we started filming, he said it was not in a right mood, he think he might leave. And then he said a few minutes later, "Sorry Jon Ye, gonna leave." And he left.

It's interesting to be in a place where I don't know anything about his life as it's happening. We haven't been friends for that long, but a large part of our friendship was that I always knew what was going on with him. He didn't always know what was going on with me, but I knew with him. Huh. We really were unequally yoked. Not in terms of our faith in Christ, but with how we related to each other. On my side, I was aspiring, subconsciously, to be like him. So though I miss him, I am free to be me in Christ, not trying to be anyone else. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am enough, in and of myself; nothing needs to be added and nothing needs to be taken away. God has made me me for a reason.

I realized that the reason me and G were unequally yoked is because I was using our relationship to try to fill up two needs that I had: the need for a father/older brother and the need for a husband. God showed me that I was lonely and was using my 'friendship' with Garnett to try to fil those needs. But as Lacy said, those are really big needs. Garnett cannot fill me up. There is no possible way he could, even if we were dating or even married. So the combo of trying to be him and trying to be filled by him skewered our relationship so badly. Hidden to the human eye, at least my eyes (and probably his) but SO obvious to God! So He took it away. He took the idol away. And steered me right back to Him.

So now I'm learning to stand on my own to feet again, independent of any other identity markers but the one I have in Christ. I've got brothers and sisters praying for me and God is hearing them. But you know, even if they weren't praying, God would still be faithful and lead me back to Him. He says in Psalm 25:8 The Lord is good and does what is right; He shows the proper path to those who go astray. Praise You Father THANK You so much!

Lord Jesus, thank You for Your strong, unfailing love for me. Oh man, he just called and that threw me off so much. Uuuugh, I miss him Father! I really do! But THANK YOU that you hear me and you SEE MY PAIN!!!!! What would I do if I didn't have you???!!!!! Ahhhh, THANK YOU! And instill in me the passion to have others know Your love too. HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU FATHER!!!!!

In CHRIST'S NAME I pray,

AMEN.