God is good yo. God is good.
I was hanging out with the Jer-man last night. Lately, I've been ancy and unsettled in my spirit because there is a lack of resolution between me and Garnett. On Sunday he said, "We may need to talk soon," and I said "Okay." So I was hoping that this conversation would signify the end of my wilderness. But Jer suggested that I might actually be on the verge of another breakthrough/level of distance/level of depth of understanding/growth. And so I am not out yet. Feels to easy though. Is that wrong to feel? I feel like I haven't felt enough pain yet to expect/ask for rain. But is it wrong to anticipate/expect pain in this way? Feels weird to think that way. I feel like it does not paint God in a right way. Dunno. Whatevs.
But I appreciate the clarity/some measure of understanding about what's been going on with me lately. Expedition was AWESOME. God was teaching me through Jonah 2 that I need to call out to Him when I am in distress, sacrifice with the voice of thanksgiving, and pay Him what I have vowed. He was renewing my spirit for sure. And then Monday came and midway through I crashed. Like, went down way low. I broke down with Kit before I led small group. It was not the best day. I am sick of fighting these insecure/low self-esteemish feelings when it comes to small group. And I keep having spiritual highs, then lows, emotional highs, than lows and it's icky man! But God is transforming my eyes and my heart. That kind of stuff don't come quick.
One thing I appreciate about Jer is that when I talk to him, he lets me talk and does not assume what I am going to say. And when he counsels me, he uses my own words, which in turn pieces discombobulated thoughts together. Lol. Thanks for not barking at me Jer! And thank you for keeping things real <3
So at the moment, I am really desiring contentment in Christ. Jon Chen and I are leading worship this Friday at large group and I'm really excited for it! We are expecting God to show up in a way that He has not before. We desire an atmosphere of worship. And Jer brought up a thought that what I'm going through has an effect on how I worship. And even though being expressive is how worship naturally, that is never fully realized when I am at IV because...I dunno, not the right atmosphere, environment? I don't know. Why is it that at BBCN I am so much freer and at IV I'm not? I think it's 'cause at BBCN I feel more one-ness with the people than I do I IV. At BB, you're gonna worship God no matter who is looking, no matter who's worshiping or not worshiping. At IV, we are conscious of others' beliefs, non-Christians who may be present, not being judged by others. But I want to worship! And I am going to worship. The Lord is shaping our identity so that we don't look to each other or the university community to determine how we do things, but to God alone. And worship is one of those things that should not be compromised for anything. It is all about God; exalting Him, being brought back to the understanding that we are called to worship Him, and reminding ourselves of what God did to save us from condemnation. Feelings of nervousness and concern about what others think should not infiltrate our worship AT ALL.
Yeah. Excited for tomorrow.
Trying to think of verses to share. What would You have me share Lord?
Anywayz.
Peace.
5:15 pm
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