Is a mighty dangerous thing.
Yesterday and today, I've been feeling absent. Apathetic and unmotivated by the things of life. Small group leading feels like a chore. Schoolwork is just another thing to do. I am going through a life transformation. I'm thinking about Expedition, how I'm going to pay for it, how others are going to pay for it, and there are NomCom Interviews this Saturday. All this stuff moves me to say... I don't care anymore. Ugh.
Last night, I realized something. I can't call Stephen brother anymore. My calling him brother is a straight up denial of my feelings for him. And I have expressed, the reason why our relationship was so skewed was because I was using it to fill this need to have a protector, a fatherly/brotherly love and to fill this desire to have a boyfriend/husband. I was trying to have the best of both worlds.
But I can't have the best of both worlds. I am not a little girl anymore. The little Janell still wants an older brother, still wants a father to protect her, watch over, make sure no harm comes to her. But the growing woman desires a man to be with, to love and to be loved by, deeply and intimately. I was trying to force Garnett into the former role, that of older brother, especially since he sees me as a little sister. That helped justify his role as brother. But the fact is, I don't see him as strictly that. I like him, and I desire him in a deep way. Period. And I have to accept that. If I continue to deny it, I will never grow up. This little girl inside of me will continue to struggle to live. But my childhood is gone. I am a 19-year-old woman, not a 19-year-old child. And I'm by no means grown, but I am definitely not a little girl anymore.
It kinda sucks. Being fathered looks a lot different for me now. And I will never get it in the way that I have always desired. But praise God! He will restore my brokenness. And I am glad that I am going through this, so that my daughters do not have to. Lord, would You bless them with a father that will love them in the way that You have called men to love their daughters.
And would You help me step into my womanhood? Would You help me to give this need, this desire for a father, to You? Would You fill this need Father? I don't want to search anymore. I want to be satisfied with You God in this capacity. Hallelujah. What does it look like to be fathered by my physical dad as a woman Jesus? Would You help me? Would You heal the pain that I have? Would You fill the gaps and holes in my heart where I wish my dad was? And with this desire for a husband, help me not to run away from it. Help me to embrace it, and step into the woman that You are molding me into.
Aaaahhhhhh.
Amen.
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