Bus Ride Thoughts

So at present, I am riding on the bus from Binghamton to NYC for Easter Break. The wifi is actually working on this Shortline bus (amazing) - hopefully it doesn't conk out. If it does, I'm sleeping.

Anyway, these past four weeks have been incredibly turbulent. From NYCUP to drooping feelings the week after NYCUP, to Jeffrey's death and my birthday to crazy peace about his death this past week. So much to reflect upon and thaw out.

On Friday the 8th at around 2:30 in the morning, I left Johnson (my dorm hall) to catch the 3:05 bus (that actually left at like 3:30) to go to Manhattan. I was heading home to go to Jeffrey's wake that day and funeral the next morning. I came back to Bing Saturday the 9th.
That was a really interesting weekend. Interesting, I say, because of the nature of it: extremely sad in it's beginning and middle and at peace at the end. The main thing that I had been struggling with was the destination of Jeffrey's soul. Besides asking over and over again, "Why?", I also kept asking God "Where?". That question was hurting me. I could not even fully appreciate the songs that talked about God being there with me in the midst of the storm because all I kept asking in pain was "God, did Jeffrey know you were there for him?".

Okay, I'm falling asleep, I'll finish this later.
-Salmon

Recap of my 18th Year of Life

Technically, I am still 18 for I was born at 3 am. Time to do a recap!

Let's see. This year has been incredibly BIG. I graduated high school, started college, joined Intervarsity. I did the SSS summer program over the summer (duh), and even though I do not warm up to the program as much as I thought I would, it was still an awesome week for me. I had my trunk party in August. Got a scholarship from MCU bank, as well as from the Bethlehem Alumni Association. Performed at the Spellman talent show and won 2nd place, behind the F.Y.I. and before Jasmine and Kevin's performance (though we thought that Brian, Paolo, Cheryl, and Josh should have gotten third). 18, the year that we had an awesome Crazy For You reunion in Central Park. That was a great day. The year that I also went to go so see the Jonas Brothers live for Good Morning America - not as great a day. The year that I won the Spellman Alumni Award. The year I also got so much money that I did not know what to do with it. The year when I called Jeremy after graduation and asked "What happened to us?" and ended an a less arbitrary note with him. The year when I saw him again at the Cardinals Player's production of Hairspray and we embraced warmly. The year I saw my play brothers and sisters in Hairspray and was thoroughly proud of them.

Man, a lot of things happened in a year.

18 was a year in which God was truly revamping the way I live the Christian life. He was increasing my capacity to be bold through challenging me to share the gospel openly with strangers (Love Out Loud - November 5, 2010. Also conversational evangelism). He made me aware of the overwhelming sin evident in the slavery in the world. He taught me why the world is like that and through Greg Jao, He taught me that He understands our pains. This was the year when God blessed me with an older brother, Stephen. This was also the year when God totally WASHED OVER me with His presence and GREAT LOVE on December 9, 2010 when I was totally overwhelmed with the heaviness of my crush. This was the year where the issues with Grace Baptist Chapel became even more evident and I became so frustrated that I wrote a letter to the church. The year that I met cool people like Tuttle, Angie, Heewon, Sunroot, Carrie, Debs and so many other awesome peeps in the fellowship. The year I went on NYCUP where God began teaching me how to truly love His creation, people created in His image and likeness. He began making heart-knowledge the fact the HE is in control, not me. Things will not always turn out how I would like or expect, but that's okay. He began making heart-knowledge the fact that I have to do things in His strength, not my own. And ever recently, He has begun making heart knowledge the fact I must trust in His supreme understanding and wisdom and lay my burdens down.

This week has been one of the most fluctuating weeks of my life. I got a 92 on my Stats exam and was sharing about the awesome experience that was NYCUP. I also got a week extension on a paper that was due Tuesday the 29th of March. But I could not find sufficient time to do it, I got my period, and Jeffrey hung himself yesterday. And today's my birthday! What a way to end 18. Anyway.

This is the year where the dynamic of my family has been changing as well. That will become more evident this year though. It will be interesting.

Year that I got to share my faith with Randy. Year when God began deepening my understanding of prayer and its POWER. Year I met Andy B. and Neil and Jack. Year I joined CBF and met Dave and Elizabeth. Year I went on Expedition and the 2 IV chapter retreats. Year I was an Emmaus leader. Year I went to Luke and Crystal's wedding <3 Year I had an EXTREMELY huge crush on that guy. Yeah.

There is so much that I am leaving out I'm sure. But there are blogs and videos about my life as an 18 year old. Ooh, also the year where I was legitimately surprised for my 19th birthday (I'm tech. still 18 for the next 28 minutes xD). Peeps showed up at LateNite Bing and sang to me. Year of challenging conversations with non-Christians (Jordan, Jeremy C., Turtle, Randy, my philosophy professor).

Lord, I thank You for another year of life. And even though I am really weird at the moment, hurting over the loss of Jeffrey yet able to be sane and composed extremely quickly, I thank You for how You will bring good out of this pain for those that love the Lord. May more of Your creation love You Lord. Be with us as we suffer and help us to know that You understand our pain so completely. SO completely. I thank You for the things that You are teaching me and for the recent abundant blessing of heart-knowledge. Hallelujah. I will praise You in this storm.

In Christ's Name,
Let it be so.

2:47 AM

Jeffrey

Wow.

Today, Daytona called me and told me that Jeffrey Cabral, a fellow member of ours in the Liberty LEADS program at Bank Street College, hung himself. This is going to be really hard to write about.

Ummmm.......

So, Jeffrey and I were never close friends, but we went through a good part of high school together in Liberty and conversed every now and then. He was a goof, but he was uplifting and encouraging and seemed to just have such a hopeful outlook on life. He seemed to approach life with the attitude "Even though things are rough and difficult, I will overcome." Daytona was even closer to him and they engaged in deep conversation all the time. Jesus, please be with her and help her.

I was crying out "Why God, WHY?!" And it was not a cry of anger but of pain. Why did Jeffrey have to die like this? With no hope? I looked at his pictures on Facebook and I am so heartbroken. In almost every profile picture, he is smiling. I am so hurt. Why Jeffrey? Didn't you think about the people around you? How much they would hurt? Jeffrey, you must have know that death was not the answer!

Jesus, why didn't You reach him? Why did he have to die this way? Please Lord, make good come out of this. Please help those who know You understand that You are not blind to this and You care. You understand their pain. And for those who do not know You, I pray that they will not resent You and hate You. Help them understand that You are the God who cares deeply for His creation. You did not want this to happen.

And what gets me too is that it's so easy to say "Rest In Peace" or "I know you are in a better place." But no, you don't that he's in a better place. It's not that every person who dies goes to a better place. I think we deceive ourselves when we say that. And that makes reconciling the pain even harder. I hurt because Jeffrey lost hope. The hope and encouragement that he infected others with was not present in his own life. He despaired. He despaired. He lost hope. He took his life.

I hurt Lord. We hurt. Please meet us in the pain. Teach me how to pray for His soul. Help me pray for his family, his mother. Please hear my heart Lord. Comfort me. Help me to know with my heart that You hear and You understand. Thank You Lord for not ignoring my pain, for seeing my suffering and saying that it is not nothing; it has meaning.

Hallelujah.

Help me Lord to praise You in this storm.

Let it be so.

Jarvis

So this week has been a weird mix of peace and stress. I know I will be okay, but I am having trouble keeping joy in the Lord. I dunno.

I am quite tired, so I will try to keep this short. I met a man named Jarvis today. He is broken; whoever reads this whenever, please lift him up before God. He is broken and his future can be destroyed by alcohol; Lord, may this not be. May the enemy NOT have a foothold in his life and may You lead him to You. I thank You for pursuing him and I thank You for guiding him. I pray that he will be as passionate about Jesus and Christ's love and salvation as he is of his geography studies. May he be even more passionate than that.
Hallelujah Jesus. Honestly, I am not worried. I am excited for the work You are doing in him and the love that You are pouring onto him. Thank You.

In the Name of Jesus our Lord,
Amen!

Lord, revolutionize this campus, may they be on fire for You. Please.