Quality time with God, the night of August 22, 2011
I want to be content with God alone, exclusive of everything else.
I want the thought of me being recognized and praised to be as pointless and foolish a thought as me going to a college party, where God is not glorified.
I want to go to God everyday because when I am with Him, everything is put into perspective.
Each day that I do not go to God, my flesh wins and my spirit dies. Each day when I go to God, my spirit wins and my flesh dies.
I cannot prepare the food, cook the food, bake the cake and be nourished. I have to actually eat the food. Same with my involvement in the work of God; I cannot be preparing events, leading small group, volunteering to lead in areas of ministry and expect to be filled! I have to ingest God's Word to survive; not just do the work for it to be advanced.
That's another thing: I NEED GOD TO SURVIVE. Spending time with Him and reading His Word is absolutely NOT an option! I will DIE without it. And just like you cannot eat a lot in one day and expect to go the next two days without food, I cannot spend a lot of time with God one day and expect that to carry me through the next two days. I NEED Him EVERYday.
I need to be content with God alone, exclusive of everything else.
I need the thought of me being recognized and praised to be as pointless and foolish a thought as me going to a college party, where God is not glorified.
I need to go to God everyday because when I am with Him, everything is put into perspective.
Let it be so.
12:59 AM
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Summertime Growth
God has been tearing up my summer. Since I did not plan to do any summer programs this summer, I expected to chill out and relax. I expected to not really be challenged this summer; once the academic stress was removed, I expected paradise. But God was not letting me chill out sprititually AT ALL. I am definitely noticeably different in my walk with God now than I was when I entered the summer. Oh snap, a lot of things did happen this summer now that I think about it. God has been so good and so faithful even though there are times when I despair about my walk with God.
At Basileia, the major thing on my mind was my frustration about my feelings for Stephen and whether or not I should talk to him about it. Fear gripped me so much, and from May and through June and the beginning of July, I wrestled and struggled so much! But when I finally submitted myself to obedience to the Father, it really DID NOT turn out to be so bad -__-. SO God was really talking to me about fear this summer. Matter of fact, it was what Russell talked about at Saturday Service (Russell is a dude from Trinidad who's up here for 5 weeks. Think he's a friend of Pastor Richie's). I think that one of the reasons God is attacking it so hard is because He wants to do something through me. That thought came to me after a Hillsong service where I was calling out to God that I don't want to be afraid anymore. Soon after I thought that, I met someone who said something similar. God cannot use me if I crippled and paralyzed by fear. He will get all the glory for taking it out of me because in my own strength, I cannot rid myself of fear. Praise Yahweh.
God has also been delivering from a stagnant church. Oh man, I spent my summer going to Bronx Bethany Saturday and Sunday services and I have been so filled and taught so much. Hallelujah! I want to make BBCN my home church. I cannot bring myself to go back to Grace, not even to say bye. I dont want to sacrifice a Sunday of worship or fellowship! So I am going to write a letter to Pastor and cards to a few people in the congregation. Don't think they will be well-received at all, but I am going where God is, and He is at Bronx Bethany. I truly appreciate the chrachter of Pastor Sam. He is not discipling people to keep them at Bronx Bethany; he is discipling God' people to send them out! He is all for God's will and not his own. He denies his self-interest and pursues the interest of God. At Grace, I feel choked. We do not live up to our name; there is not an attiude of grace there. And I do not want to over-generalize the congregation, but among the leadership, I feel like their love for me is dependent on my membership there or my prospective membership there. And that is not Christ's love. Christ's love is Go where you will grow. Christ's love is Go where you meet God. When I was baptized, matter of fact, when I accepted Christ, I became a member of the Body of Christ. Not the body of GBC. This summer, I resolved to do what's in the interest of my spiritual growth, instead of the "proper" thing (which looks like staying because I was "raised" there and because people have helped me financially). I thank You Lord for courage to love and obey You above men and mother (;-p).
In the past few weeks, I've grown in adoration of my Bronx Bethany brothers. Chris's humility, Dennis' passion, Curtis servitude, Sidney's knowledge. I appreciate that God has shown me other single men of Christ besides Stephen. Not for me to have options, but for me to see that men of God are not few in number. If there is one, there are others. I am so deeply encouraged by their passion and love for God. It causes me to check myself and I realize that I truly slacking in my walk and I am not as G as I think I am.
Which is another thing about this summer. In the past few days, God has been exposing a bigot, arrogant attitude that is present in me. I don't really believe that I am disgusting, filthy, evil. There is a part of me that feels entitled to what God has given me. There is also part of me that wants to give credit to myself for where I am with God. As though I am so wise because of who I am and the knowledge came effortlessly because I am Janell. I AM IN DANGER! God, deliever me from this mindset please. Because the dichotomy is disgusting; God take all of me, You get all the glory, except I want some glory for myself. I think the gas is getting to my head. I am taking pride in the fact that I am a "good" Christian, defined as someone who pursues and seeks God. And that definition is sketch, because we couldn't pursue God if He did not pursue us. I am the servant who has been forgiven little (Luke 7:36-47). I have the testimony of being kept (as Sidney K. put it), but instead of turning that into praise and thanksgiving, it is becoming self-righteosness and self-glory, and straight up ignorance. 2 Peter 1:5-9 says,
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
Instead of being of those who are good, knowledgeable, self-controlling, perseverant, godly, brotherly loving, and loving, I am of those who have forgotten that they have been cleansed from past sins. I have so much pride, and that will surely cause me to fall! And you know, it's my flesh. And this flesh is not dying because I am not killing it by making the effort to add to my faith. The dichotomy between flesh and spirit will always be there, it will not change. So I have to make the effort to keep it in submission. Dead. Everyday. And I was mistaken, because I always said that the Holy Spirit has to do it in me because I can't do it. But I took that to mean that I don't have to do anything thing, because the Spirit will do it. I just have to be available, which looks like waiting around and "being open." But there is so much ambiguity to those words! I have to "make every effort!" There is work that I gotta do too. And the work is not to try to make myself able or qualified. My work is to focus on God and on trying to be holy. Where I end, He begins. Though that still sounds confusing, because in trying to be holy, aren't I trying to make myself able or qualified?
Lord, help me to understand, because I'm still trying to get the work that I am supposed to do. I cannot do things in my own strength, but I also cannot sit around expecting You to do something without my effort. Help me to know what it means to make the effort in Your strength. I also ask that You would help me to not take pride in myself or in my walk with You. Would You help me to be humble, that I would not take pride in my humility or even claim it? Would You Lord, give me the sincere desire for all the glory to go directly to You? ALL of it? I pray that I would not have the desire to be in the spolight, to be recognized, to receive compliments. And that when I am in the spotlight, am recognized, and do receive compliments, please may I deflect all the credit and glory straight up to You. Praise Yahweh, You are worthy of the glory and the credit! Help me to truly accept and believe that. And may I desire for Your Name to be glorifired. Not just in my head Lord, but in my heart. In the Name of Christ I pray, Let It Be So.
So yup, this is just a little of what God is doing in my heart and in my life. As difficult as following Him is at times, I am glad to be a Christian. And I am excited to reflect in the future on how much further He has brought me. Glory to God!
-janell
4:45 pm
At Basileia, the major thing on my mind was my frustration about my feelings for Stephen and whether or not I should talk to him about it. Fear gripped me so much, and from May and through June and the beginning of July, I wrestled and struggled so much! But when I finally submitted myself to obedience to the Father, it really DID NOT turn out to be so bad -__-. SO God was really talking to me about fear this summer. Matter of fact, it was what Russell talked about at Saturday Service (Russell is a dude from Trinidad who's up here for 5 weeks. Think he's a friend of Pastor Richie's). I think that one of the reasons God is attacking it so hard is because He wants to do something through me. That thought came to me after a Hillsong service where I was calling out to God that I don't want to be afraid anymore. Soon after I thought that, I met someone who said something similar. God cannot use me if I crippled and paralyzed by fear. He will get all the glory for taking it out of me because in my own strength, I cannot rid myself of fear. Praise Yahweh.
God has also been delivering from a stagnant church. Oh man, I spent my summer going to Bronx Bethany Saturday and Sunday services and I have been so filled and taught so much. Hallelujah! I want to make BBCN my home church. I cannot bring myself to go back to Grace, not even to say bye. I dont want to sacrifice a Sunday of worship or fellowship! So I am going to write a letter to Pastor and cards to a few people in the congregation. Don't think they will be well-received at all, but I am going where God is, and He is at Bronx Bethany. I truly appreciate the chrachter of Pastor Sam. He is not discipling people to keep them at Bronx Bethany; he is discipling God' people to send them out! He is all for God's will and not his own. He denies his self-interest and pursues the interest of God. At Grace, I feel choked. We do not live up to our name; there is not an attiude of grace there. And I do not want to over-generalize the congregation, but among the leadership, I feel like their love for me is dependent on my membership there or my prospective membership there. And that is not Christ's love. Christ's love is Go where you will grow. Christ's love is Go where you meet God. When I was baptized, matter of fact, when I accepted Christ, I became a member of the Body of Christ. Not the body of GBC. This summer, I resolved to do what's in the interest of my spiritual growth, instead of the "proper" thing (which looks like staying because I was "raised" there and because people have helped me financially). I thank You Lord for courage to love and obey You above men and mother (;-p).
In the past few weeks, I've grown in adoration of my Bronx Bethany brothers. Chris's humility, Dennis' passion, Curtis servitude, Sidney's knowledge. I appreciate that God has shown me other single men of Christ besides Stephen. Not for me to have options, but for me to see that men of God are not few in number. If there is one, there are others. I am so deeply encouraged by their passion and love for God. It causes me to check myself and I realize that I truly slacking in my walk and I am not as G as I think I am.
Which is another thing about this summer. In the past few days, God has been exposing a bigot, arrogant attitude that is present in me. I don't really believe that I am disgusting, filthy, evil. There is a part of me that feels entitled to what God has given me. There is also part of me that wants to give credit to myself for where I am with God. As though I am so wise because of who I am and the knowledge came effortlessly because I am Janell. I AM IN DANGER! God, deliever me from this mindset please. Because the dichotomy is disgusting; God take all of me, You get all the glory, except I want some glory for myself. I think the gas is getting to my head. I am taking pride in the fact that I am a "good" Christian, defined as someone who pursues and seeks God. And that definition is sketch, because we couldn't pursue God if He did not pursue us. I am the servant who has been forgiven little (Luke 7:36-47). I have the testimony of being kept (as Sidney K. put it), but instead of turning that into praise and thanksgiving, it is becoming self-righteosness and self-glory, and straight up ignorance. 2 Peter 1:5-9 says,
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
Instead of being of those who are good, knowledgeable, self-controlling, perseverant, godly, brotherly loving, and loving, I am of those who have forgotten that they have been cleansed from past sins. I have so much pride, and that will surely cause me to fall! And you know, it's my flesh. And this flesh is not dying because I am not killing it by making the effort to add to my faith. The dichotomy between flesh and spirit will always be there, it will not change. So I have to make the effort to keep it in submission. Dead. Everyday. And I was mistaken, because I always said that the Holy Spirit has to do it in me because I can't do it. But I took that to mean that I don't have to do anything thing, because the Spirit will do it. I just have to be available, which looks like waiting around and "being open." But there is so much ambiguity to those words! I have to "make every effort!" There is work that I gotta do too. And the work is not to try to make myself able or qualified. My work is to focus on God and on trying to be holy. Where I end, He begins. Though that still sounds confusing, because in trying to be holy, aren't I trying to make myself able or qualified?
Lord, help me to understand, because I'm still trying to get the work that I am supposed to do. I cannot do things in my own strength, but I also cannot sit around expecting You to do something without my effort. Help me to know what it means to make the effort in Your strength. I also ask that You would help me to not take pride in myself or in my walk with You. Would You help me to be humble, that I would not take pride in my humility or even claim it? Would You Lord, give me the sincere desire for all the glory to go directly to You? ALL of it? I pray that I would not have the desire to be in the spolight, to be recognized, to receive compliments. And that when I am in the spotlight, am recognized, and do receive compliments, please may I deflect all the credit and glory straight up to You. Praise Yahweh, You are worthy of the glory and the credit! Help me to truly accept and believe that. And may I desire for Your Name to be glorifired. Not just in my head Lord, but in my heart. In the Name of Christ I pray, Let It Be So.
So yup, this is just a little of what God is doing in my heart and in my life. As difficult as following Him is at times, I am glad to be a Christian. And I am excited to reflect in the future on how much further He has brought me. Glory to God!
-janell
4:45 pm
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