So, I like this guy, don't know if he likes me, don't know if I'm reading to much into it. I don't know if I like him, am I making myself like him because he's a good guy? Or am I being picky about the wrong things? Like, there's an attraction, and it was small, but now I find myself thinking about him all the time, and I don't know if it's 'cause I like him or because I like having someone around who thinks I'm cool. I really appreciate the flattery. But am I reading too much into things? Maybe he really doesn't like me as much as he appears to like me. Ugh! Gina told me to not to think about boys, but it's hard. And Dylan (that's his name) is too cool. Like, he's not a jerk. And really not a jerk. I'm getting better and better at picking guys. But it's not even like he's mine or that I like him! UGH!!!!
He's really sweet though. Like, he would not let me walk home alone from school yesterday. Would NOT. And he's concerned about what's going on in my head and he's considers me a close friend already. Haven't even known this dude for a month yet. But I get a Sandino vibe from him. And that's BIG. I hold Sandino in high esteem. If I deem you a Sandino, you are an awesome man. But that's just the vibe I get, it's not definite yet. Only thing is, I don't know if he's a Christian. But you know, if he isn't I wouldn't mind. Like, I'd just pray for him constantly and hope that my influence would bring him to God. That is all I could do anyway. Man, he's cute, but I could see him being annoying, he's considerate and he cares and you know, though he might be annoying ain't that better than a jerk who seems to care and throws around the love word and breaks girls' hearts as often as he changes his shoes? Pshah, most def! But I believe that I'm getting way too ahead of myself. Betting to assume that he doesn't like me that way than to hype everything up and find out that I was wrong. Geez, that would SUCK. So I'm gonna do what Gina says and not even think about dudes. I will try my best. One thing's for sure, I would def. love D to be my prom date. No question about that. You know he waits for me by Pre-Cal and walks with me part way to class? I think that is so awesome and sweet.
ARGH! ENOUGH JANELL. NO MORE TALKS OF BOYS (dunt dunt dunt).
God, what've You got in store? This'll be an interesting ride. Please help me to keep my eyes on YOU ONLY, please! Amen.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Ugh...
Ugh! I feel like a bad person. My motives are wrong, I make no sense and I want to fix everybody. I just need to step back and let things take their course. You know when you do things unintentionally? Well, I did that today. I def. was bad-mouthing J and K's new relationship today. Of course it got back to him. He heard that I said his relationship won't go past a month. Whoops. I mean, I still believe it, but I guess it didn't have to be vocalized? I dunno. Anyway, I called him a little while ago to apologize, but he didn't pick up. So now this is gonna be on my conscience. Whatever. GOD! I need You. I don't want to think. Just take control, PLEASE. Give me that peace that surpasses all understanding. I don't deserve it, but I am relying on Your grace, Your favor. Lift the stress from my mind; none of this will matter in the end. It's all about Heaven and the deliverance from this crappy world.
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, again I say REJOICE! (Philippians 4:4)
Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Lord, forgive me of my sins. I took part in the gossip/slander of another person and I know that hurts You and I'm sorry. I pray that it will not be a mistake I make again. I also pray that I won't stress over anything. I can't add a day to my life by worrying and I have bigger things to take care of (i.e. college). Lord, give me the courage and strength to apologize and to do the right thing. Speak to me Lord, speak to me. Amen.
Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say, again I say REJOICE! (Philippians 4:4)
Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Lord, forgive me of my sins. I took part in the gossip/slander of another person and I know that hurts You and I'm sorry. I pray that it will not be a mistake I make again. I also pray that I won't stress over anything. I can't add a day to my life by worrying and I have bigger things to take care of (i.e. college). Lord, give me the courage and strength to apologize and to do the right thing. Speak to me Lord, speak to me. Amen.
Monday, October 19, 2009
IM with beloved Darren
Yesterday
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
10:44pm Janell
:P
10:44pm Darren
was rong?
10:45pm Janell
Nooothin : )
Ques:
10:45pm Darren
o
10:45pm Janell
Is this J or D?
Nvm, this is D
10:45pm Darren
yea lol my name is d
10:46pm Janell
Really?
i thoughtit was Darren 0_)
10:46pm Darren
no its darren
im just playing seeing as thou ur calling me d
10:48pm Janell
You know it's weird, as long as your name begins with D, I will call you D xD
10:48pm Darren
lol ok jan wassup?
10:50pm Janell
Nothin' much man, I'm just chillin
10:50pm Darren
o o great question hmmm
10:50pm Janell
LOL!
10:51pm Darren
yea well i could tell u now
10:52pm Darren
i have not yet have a crush on one of j's gfs its hard to when most of them praise him and stuff
10:54pm Janell
I see. That praise is in vain though, 'cause 2 secs later, another girl is i place of the last one
10:55pm Darren
wait what do u mean?
10:57pm Janell
He doesn't know that when you say you love somebody, it means also means "I'm committed to you."
He has no sense of committment at all.
10:59pm Darren
mmh
well i wouldnt say that
did u talk 2 j?
11:02pm Janell
No, I really want to though.
11:08pm Darren
o ok well what do u think about the deshana situation?
11:08pm Janell
Can we swirch this over to aim?
11:08pm Darren
r u on?
11:09pm Janell
Yes sir
blaze25629 (11:09:22 PM): so ur answer
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:36 PM): Okay, the DeShana situation I don't even know much
about
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:43 PM): only bits and pieces
Hinote Alchemist (11:09:55 PM): but from what I heard, J is in the wrong
Hinote Alchemist (11:10:02 PM): But I don't know his side of the story
blaze25629 (11:11:02 PM): well mabe u should talk 2 j
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:38 PM): I plan to, we just need to set a time
Hinote Alchemist (11:12:57 PM): I was gonna go to him 2morrow and ask him if he wants to do movies on Sat.
blaze25629 (11:13:36 PM): but?
Hinote Alchemist (11:14:00 PM): Oh, nothing, I'm still doing it. You guys got plans for this Sat.?
blaze25629 (11:15:31 PM): well he told me that he was going 2 flc
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:12 PM): That's Sat?
blaze25629 (11:16:25 PM): yea the 24th
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:41 PM): I'll ask anyway.
Hinote Alchemist (11:16:52 PM): I'm just upset 'cause I feel that J makes the same mistakes over again and they are SO obvious to me, but he doesn't see them.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:03 PM): I'm just hoping really hard that when I talk to him, I find out that everything he's done was unintentional and that he was trying to hurt anybody.
Hinote Alchemist (11:17:18 PM): That he was completely oblivious and didn't know what he was doing.
blaze25629 (11:19:48 PM): well the only way u will no is if u talk 2 him
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:38 PM): I know. I have no objection. I am rearing to go. I just need to have a block of time, 'cause the conversation won't be short.
Hinote Alchemist (11:21:48 PM): Favor
blaze25629 (11:22:05 PM): 'yes
Hinote Alchemist (11:26:31 PM): Last time I wanted to talk to him, I didn't because he didn't cooperate. Like, I'd be like "Let's talk" and he'd say "Okay" and then when the time came, he'd leave and not tell and completely avoid me.
Hinote Alchemist (11:27:06 PM): So, in order for it to work this time, maybe you could encourage to talk to me. He needs to hear what I have to say.
blaze25629 (11:33:10 PM): sure
Hinote Alchemist (11:37:20 PM): Gracias.
Hinote Alchemist (11:39:10 PM): Gragh, how do you deal with J. Like, does he eveer annoy you?
blaze25629 (11:42:09 PM): well yea sometimes but its iight kuz i no he has my back
Hinote Alchemist (11:45:54 PM): Cool. Glad he cares about somebody x)
blaze25629 (11:46:17 PM): yea so what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:09 PM): Umph! That's a tough one
Hinote Alchemist (11:49:12 PM): Give me a sec.
Hinote Alchemist (11:53:01 PM): I have mixed feelings. Like, I used to think he was truly awesome and a rarity, that you couldn't find many guys like him 'cause he cared about people. But then his actions contradicted that thought and I just though he was a jerk. But now, I just think he's confused. Like, he means to do well but he doesn't. I think part of the reason is 'cause he's selfish too.
Hinote Alchemist (11:54:24 PM): All in all though, I don't think he is a terrible person. He just doesn't know what he's doing. And I insult him sometimes and cut and make side comments, but truthfully I love that guy to death. He's a jerk, but I love him to death.
Hinote Alchemist (11:55:00 PM): I don't know why I care so much and it annoys the HELL out of me but I do. Oh well -_-
blaze25629 (11:56:12 PM): janell mabe u should ease ur horses before u make a judgement
blaze25629 (11:57:16 PM): remember u cant answer a question if halve of it is undone
Hinote Alchemist (11:59:59 PM): Yeah well I'm going based on observation and experience and things he's told me. I mean, I'm not saying he does things purposefully, I actually think he doesn't. There's a reason for what he does, for everything he does.
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:12 AM): Like the whole have a ton a girlfriends thing
blaze25629 (12:00:22 AM): wait janell question
Hinote Alchemist (12:00:37 AM): Yeah?
blaze25629 (12:01:00 AM): take out the whole deshana situation what do u think of him?
Hinote Alchemist (12:02:54 AM): I did take out the whole DeShana situation. I wasn't even thinking about that.I don't know the whole story. I've been wanting to talk to him since before that.
blaze25629 (12:03:23 AM): regarding ur relationship?
Hinote Alchemist (12:05:40 AM): Not just that, but that's a part of it. After the relationship is when I realized the stuff I just mentioned, but our relationship is not the only thing I'm drawing my points from. Get me?
blaze25629 (12:06:33 AM): o ok
blaze25629 (12:07:56 AM): i understand u and i guess ill explain 2 j how important this is 2 u and hopefully ya guys could talk about this
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:18 AM): Thank you so much D.
Hinote Alchemist (12:08:33 AM): I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciate you.
Hinote Alchemist (12:09:15 AM): Like, when I was depressed and upset and crappy and sad and just a huge mess ball of emotions, you really helped me out.
blaze25629 (12:09:48 AM): im happy 2 help u i honestly am
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:07 AM): Like, I didn't feel like complete crap. It was comforting to know that someone still cared, especially you when you didm't have, seeing that you're J's best friend.
Hinote Alchemist (12:10:29 AM): Gratz! I feel the tears coming, but I won't let them out xD
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:48 AM): Oh my gosh
Hinote Alchemist (12:12:53 AM): Man
blaze25629 (12:13:03 AM): well janell its common curticy 2 help someone out when they r in a bind u no
Hinote Alchemist (12:13:30 AM): lol! I'm glad you have that philosophy. 'Cause a lot of people don't.
blaze25629 (12:16:41 AM): anyway ill ttyl k peace need 2 take my asthma meds
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:04 AM): Feel better D! I'll keep you in my prayers. See you tomorrow?
blaze25629 (12:17:30 AM): k peace
Hinote Alchemist (12:17:42 AM): Later love!
Already?!
Already! They've been going out for a day and already she says she loves him. She's making the same mistake I did. Giving her heart too quickly. And I really don't think they'll last. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'll be the one. I highly doubt it, but maybe. I've decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him. Like, I think God wants me talk to him, but He's not in a hurry. Like, I don't feel like I He needs me to do it right now. A lot of it is me wanting and being willing to talk to him. I've wanted to talk to since March. Back then it was something diff. and I let it go (think it was about our "relationship"). I decided I'm going to hold off on talking to him for this reason: If I say something and he realizes he has to make a change, I don't want that change to involve breaking up with Kaitlin. I do not want to be blamed and I don't want people to think it's cause I can't let go. So I think God is with me on this one. Jeremy will know, but in God's time. God's taking care of him and I have to be patient as well. So, you know what? I'm am sure they will break up. I mean, duh they will, but I'm sure it will be soon. Def. before the year is over. Let's see if I know him as well as I think I do. Looks like Nicky won the bet on this one; she said yes and now they are dating. Darn it, now she gets the bragging rights. God, I feel so evil. Like, I can't wait for them to break up. I don't if it's because I want to shove examples in his face when we talk or if it's 'cause I'm jealous or because I love the image of me and K sitting on the floor and her crying on my shoulder. Awugh, I feel so selfish and evil! But hopefully God can work even despite these. No, not even hopefully, God can work despite these flaws. God, may Your will be done! For all those who are reading this, please pray for me. I need all the prayer I can get! Thank you.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...
God is insane! He's done so much for me the past week that I don't even know where to begin. Hm...I'll start with Emmaus. I can't say too much about it because there are students in my school who still haven't gone and who might read this. But...Emmaus was the greatest thing ever. It's a retreat the my school does several times a year and it is so amazing what it does to you. Like, through Emmaus, God shows me that He answers prayer. I prayed that He would use me to bless other people and spread the good news to other people, but I felt like I wasn't qualified or that it would happen later in life. But God showed me the opposite! He can bless others through me now. And I knew that, but I don't think I fully knew. You know what I mean? It was too cool. I love Him. Thank you Jesus. And He also showed me and all of us actually that we can't pre-judge people because you have no idea what's going on on the inside. I went thinking that some people were birds/chickenheads and others were conceited, fake airheads, but my perspective TOTALLY changed. Me and Antwon and Gina and Jen are mad chill and I never thought I'd be talking to these girls like they were my sisters, you know? No you don't know, but I'm telling you, it's crazy xD. I love those girls! And Brian, if you're reading this, I'm telling you GO ON EMMAUS!!!!! Don't give a crap what Philp says, this experience is more important to your life than play will ever be.
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
Phew. So that's Emmaus xD More to follow if I remember/don't get lazy xD
So today. Oh my gosh, today. So, me and J are on cool terms and whatever and we have been for a long time. I decided before that I was gonna be one of those distant friends, the ones you can chill with and catch up with every once in a while and then it's back to the "Hey's" and "Hi's." Unfortunately, this will be quite difficult to do when play starts up again. I'll see him more often and revert to my old ways. You know, being friends with him again. *sigh* It has already begun. My status on FaceBook is "Sucks caring about somebody who doesn't deserve your love -_-". lol, the response the that quote was crazy, 7 people liked it and peeps. def. identified with it. Glad to know I'm not the only one struggling with caring for peep. like J >0 (there are daggers surrounding that J).
So, how do I care for him now? Well, I still want to be in his life and I still want to be his friend. Which makes no sense because he doesn't reciprocate the friendship. Even when we were dating, I gave more than I got. And it's not that I gave an overbearing amount of love. I mean, I think I was way too into him, but I didn't get anything substantial back. Nothing that would help me build my character, nothing that I could carry with me throughout me life. Like, his words were empty. And my thoughts are all over the place, but I know what I'm talking about. His words were so empty, and what I gained from the relationship is that I shouldn't enter another one like it. He had to hurt me in order for me to gain anything from him. That sucks. Big time.
And the worst thing about it all is that he doesn't even know. He doesn't know that he hurts people. And God let me know today that I gotta tell him.
So here's what happened. I'm in the auditorium watching people do cold reads and I look at Jeremy and I just feel like I should talk to him. So I call him over and ask him what's wrong. He talks about how his competition is beating him and yada yada. So I tell him just to focus on the goal and not to worry about other people's progress. He takes heed, I figure. I think. Whatever. But that's not what I wanted to get out of him. I realized that we haven't talked in so long and we really need to catch up. At least that's what I feel. So I'm like "J, we gotta talk some time." And he's like "Yeah, it's been a while. Last time you were trying to kill people." He was making a reference to RHT-Rough House Tactics. One of the things I do with the CADETS. So I was like "We gotta talk, but I don't know if I can talk to you on the same level as before. Like, tell it to you straight." And he's like "You always have." He agreed to walk this dude home, so they were waiting for him, but he wanted me to tell him really quickly what I wanted to talk to him about. He was like "In one sentence, just tell me straight." And I was like "Naw, I gotta think of the nice way to say this." And I didn't say it the nice way, 'cause he just wanted me to say it. So, I ended up saying it the mean way, the way that it was on my mind.
"You're a jerk."
Dude, I wish I could take it back. I think I might have ruined his happy state of mind. Ughhhh, they're short-lived anyway. But then I revised it later on by saying that he's not a jerk because a jerk does things intentionally. He just does the things that a jerk would do...unintentionally. So yeah. I hope he didn't think too much on that one...
So after that scene, I felt like crap 'cause I didn't consult God before speaking to him and telling him that we have to make a date to catch up. The day before, (10/13/09), I was talking to God in the chapel and was telling Him that J needs to know about himself and it would be an awesome honor if I could be the one to tell him, but if that's not what He meant for me, that that's not what He meant. So yeah, after that whole long convo. with God, the day after I'm telling J that we have to meet and talk? I felt like crap and like I disobeyed God. I sang this chorus a million times:
In His time
In His time
He makes all things beautiful in His time
Lord please show me everyday
That You're teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time
So, I'm singing that song and then I make a move before I know if I'm supposed to?! I felt so bad! And I also felt like I let down my wall a little bit. I'm sure he doesn't think anything of it, and probably doesn't even realize it, but I showed that I care and I don't want to care. But whatever. No way this feeling is going away -_-. So, I'm in the Chapel blabbering and being sad and venting and stuff and the custodian comes in and is like he has to come in but he'll be quick. He starts talking to me. He's like "Are you okay?" And I'm like "Yeah, I'm fine." Then he's like "Then why are you in here?"
Me: "There's this guy, he's an idiot and he doesn't know it and I don't know whether or not I should tell him."
Dude: "You have to tell him, because if it was you doing something wrong, they'd tell you."
Me: "I don't want to act outside of God's will though."
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. If it's hurting then you need to tell him."
Me: "And I don't want him to hurt other people."
Dude: "It's key that you don't hurt yourself. You tell him and if he doesn't listen, you walk."
Silent for a while.
Dude: "Don't hurt yourself. Communication is key."
Now, there is NO way that was a coincidence. It is pretty rare that a janitor walks in on me, and when he does, he usually doesn't say anything to me. That was from God. That was SO from God. So now I know what I gotta do. I gotta talk to J and tell him about himself.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooy.
This'll be a weird one. But I wonder if this'll be a part of the restoration of friendship process. That is forgiveness. Restoring the person back to where they were before. But you know, I'm not gonna think about it. I did enough hypothetical thinking on that one. Don't even wanna think about the conversation; where we'll have it (chapel, movies?) what I'll say. Just gonna let the Holy Spirit move.
Oooh, one last thing. What's really ironic about that last statement Dude made is that when I was crying earlier this year about Me and J (I don't know if we were still dating or if it was the break-up process), Ms. Ellis came in 'cause she goes to the chapel everyday after she works, and she was like "You guys gotta communicate." She said the same thing! And I figured that since me and Jeremy were "strong" (-_-' wrong adjective) close (better adjective) friends, I owe it to him/am obliged to tell him about himself. So God help me! This is gonna be CRAZY!!!! But I am looking forward to the talk. Damn, I want to stop caring. Whatever.
Thank you SO much Lord! You def. spoke to me today and I hear You. Loud and clear, even though I still have my reservations. But move through me, touch Jeremy and may Thy will be done. Amen!
<3~Peace, Love, Jesus~<3
Rei
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