Night is Coming; Bring Glory to Your Name

So Jesus says in John 9:3-5 in regards to the man born blind from birth,

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

Night is coming, when no one can work. That's an important sentence. I do not live as though night is coming. Lord, bless me with the understanding that Your Gospel is a sweet, but urgent, message. And would urgency not turn into fear or hurriedness, but action. Active, rather than passive, action.

Jesus, You are the light of the world. And You are still in the world. Please stay in the world a little longer. Bless people who are outside of You with opportunities to come to faith. Hear the prayers of Your people, who intercede on behalf of those who do not know You. Call people to intercede for New York City, for victims of slavery, for the poor. Break the hearts of Christians in America for what breaks Yours. For those who claim to see, but who are actually blind, please give them sight. Show them their blindness and direct them to You.

For those who are blind, suffering, in pain (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental), deaf to the truth, Call and Shout! Break through their deafness. Shatter darkness and wash away blindness. Give multiple opportunities for second birth Lord, out of Your patience and love and the depth of Your kindness. I pray this would not be a kissup prayer. You are really patient and supremely loving, and so kind. You desire for ALL to know Christ! So please heal. Hearts, bodies, minds Jesus! In the Name of Jesus, the Name that CONQUERED Death. Display the work of God in the lives of those who are hurting and need help. Bring glory to Your Name even through the sin and the pain. Prove true the love of those who follow You; deepen our love for You Father. Draw us close to You.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.

2:01 pm

Peace and Love in 29D?...NOT!

I did not realize how much patience I lacked until I came back home.

OH MY GOSH THESE PEOPLE DRIVE ME OUT OF MYSELF (LITERALLY!).

I come back to 29D, and all these things are stripped from me:

Unlimited freedom (which is expected, I'm not even upset about that)

A bed

Space to get away for when I need to chillax

Cleanliness

And it's driving me bonkers! Home is the complete opposite of Bing; in Bing, I'm free to be myself; at 29D, I am choked. Who I am can't breathe, so then I become miserable and add to the dissent already present in the household.

How do I take the peace of the Kingdom of God with me?

I HAVE TO DO MY QUIET TIMES EVERYDAY!!!!!

That is the only way who I am will breathe, the only way!! Or else she will have to live in suffocation until the next time she can get to church and ultimately until she goes back to Bing. I'm sorry, but I need my air. Like, I NEED my AIR. Or else a monster will truly emerge.

Also, there are some absurdities that have emerged naturally that have caused me to say uh-uh, NO for when I raise my kids. Like, today is Christmas and Rochelle, Noel, Kirk, and Ricardo are coming over for breakfast. So what happens? NOW we clean. And now we make space in the room to pull out the extra bed because Janell is not sleeping in the living room. I mean like, messes that have accumulated over so much time are just now being cleaned and why-- because we have guests coming over? FOOLish-NESS! Nah-suh, no way. Uh-uh! Not happening in my household! What kind of message does that send to my daughter? Welcome-back-but-not-really; that's what it says to me. I don't want to come home then if I have the opportunity to stay in Bing or elsewhere for a break! The past few days, I've been considering doing NYCUP summer for the precise reason that I'll have good housing for a month out of the summer. My own bed, my own space.

Anyway, peace of God, peace of God! Take it with you wherever you go! Love everybody!

Man, family is the hardest to love! Geez!!!!

Ugh, peace and Merry Jesusmas -___-

12:47 am.

Apt. 29D

9:17 pm

29D, here I am again. I am upset. I was/kinda am not looking forward to the transtion from college life to life back in Co-Op for several reasons. 1, there are incredible amounts of brokenness. When I look at the physical condition and the faces of the people who walk the streets, I am burdened. 2, it is hard to freely be Christian here. I realize in this moment that I have to be very careful about sharing my enthusiasm about things I care about. For example, I am so amped that Google gave 11.5 million dollars to fight sex slavery and I expressed that to Nicky and she gave a look to Matthew like "Oh wow, here she goes." And like, it's not a huge deal, but I'm not going to encourage that ostracization anymore. 3, and the most annoying, is the amount of freedom that I lose when I come back home -_____-. At 9 o'clock, I wanted to go over to Dreaiser to say hi to Circle of Christ people after the youth service and she said no. And it all boils down to the fact that I am a girl. I am really annoyed and frustrated right now. It is not fair. I do not care if NJ has a penis, why is it that he can do what he wants for however long hewants with Destiny and when I come home from a college, where I have all the free reign in the world, I can't go say hi to friends real quick??? And I am not saying that I hould have the freedom to do whatever I want to when I come home just because I experience it at school. That is incredibly unrealistic to expect. But dag, can I get something??? This ain't happening for six weeks. Lord, I most definitely do not want to honor my parents (mostly mother) in this at all; it is not fair at all. What should I do? Because I want to honor You, but I do not want to lose my freedom. But if that brings glory to You, help me to suck it up, because honor and glory to Your Name trumps all. But anger, bitterness, and resentment is already stirring, and willl definitely fester if You do not help me. I am really mad at the double standard, really mad. But I pray that this, and the fact that I won't sleep in my own bed for six weeks, won't distract from me resting this break and growing in You. Help me to submit to You. Calm my heart, and calm my mind, especially the part that wants to emerge as a feminist.

GRARH!

Anyway, there are such bigger things to think about! Like praying about the brokenness that I see in the Bronx and praying for people and praying for transformation in Binghamton U, and even the Greater Binghamton area, and the Bronx. I need to be training and seeking God about doing Outreach Committee this semester. I need to be pouring into Taylor and Dontae. So much to do, and an exciting journey to take head on. Ain't got time for this crap.

So Lord, thank You for this time to devote solely to You. Like, I have the freedom to devote all of my time to You solely. Thank You! I pray that You would help me to steward my time extremely/incredibly WELL and teach me the things You need me to know. Help me to intercede on behalf of my brothers and sisters throughout the break and to pour into people, though we may be separated by distance. Fill me up real good God. Help me to do the things that need to be done, but help me to focus on You. Would I not lose focus on You at all Lord. Keep my eyes on You Lord. KEEP MY EYES ON YOU LORD.

Ah sigh.... Halleluuujah.

And I will sing

HALLELUJAH

Let the praises ring

HALLELUJAH

To the King of Kings

HALLELUJAH.

Amen.

________________________________________________

10:04 pm

And I realized... I need to pray for my family to. I need to pray for my family. Let it be so.

To the Glory of God

Sigh.

Looooord!

Bleh! Studying for Anthropology??? I don't want to! Like I really don't want to.

Romans 12:11

Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.

T_T

Moreover, I have to help Iverem pack, but I REALLY don't want to!!! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO! How to love her with genuine affection (Romans 12:10)? I don't know know Lord.

Sigh.

Please help me honor You through studying and through helping her pack. May I not be irritable when I talk with her; may she experience the love of the Lord through my help and service. Ugh... can You make it so that I at least get to share the gospel? Share more of who You are? That might make it a little bit easier and me less irritable. Seriously Holy Spirit, please take over for realz; take my spirit, take my emotions, take my mind and bend them to Your will as I help her pack. May they be bent on glorifying God through this time with her and through studying to the best of my ability Lord. Help me Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit!

AAAAAA-MEN!!!!! (= LET IIIIIIT BE SO!!!!)

2:49 pm

Large Group 11.11.11

Ugh.

This weekend is not so fun.

So Nicky is here for the weekend. And I am a terrible host. It's like, I did not slow down to really hang out with her. My life did not change; I am going about my business, except there's a person there now. And I just don't feel good about it. And today's Large Group was very much frustrating for me. It was LONG, a bit disorganized, and just not representative of the Large Group in general. And I messed up at one point during worship where I called a repeat that did not happen because my mic was not loud enough.

Whatever, why am I writing about this. Despite what I felt, God moved.

God spoke to people through Large Group tonight. Regardless of how I felt about lg, God spoke. The Holy Spirit spoke. So my focus needs to stop being on how well things flowed or how smooth everything was. It has nothing to do with that, and it's not about me or the people in my fellowship either. It is all about God. Hallelujah.

Father, I pray that You will help me to focus on You and not on anything else. YOU and YOU alone. Hallelujah. Be with me later today as I seek to honor You through my interaction with my sister and through how I steward my time. I pray that You would orchestrate everything and that things would work out and work smoothly tomorrow. Oh Father. I ask for You to help me. In the Name of Christ I pray, Amen.

12:10 am.

Engage

So, Pastor Richy sent me this link for this project called Engage with the Willow Creek Community Association. I took a survey, similar to the one for Strengths Finder, except it's for your spiritual growth. Kind of helps you gauge where you are at spiritually. Here are my results.

My Portrait

Your Engage Life Survey highlights that you are a devoted believer whose life is centered on the person and life of Jesus Christ. Your walk with God is strong, your love for him is unquestioned, and your view of the world around you flows primarily from this deep connection. Through your well-established relationship with God, it is practically second nature for you to love him from the heart. Anything else is almost unthinkable—the old life you used to live apart from him is a distant memory. Core doctrines of the Christian faith form the basis of your understanding of what’s most true in life, and biblical teachings have become an integral part of your everyday living. For you, many forms of prayer—including honest confession of sin—are an almost daily reality. You frequently cultivate your connection to God through reading and reflecting on Scripture. Not surprisingly, hope and peace characterize most of your life as you naturally lean into God and trust in his provision. As the Psalmist says, your cup overflows and goodness and mercy are following in your wake. You have made an important spiritual transition: the “mind of Christ” is now the preeminent driving force in your life. You are increasingly living out of your new identity in Christ. People who are “free” do whatever they like; and to be free in Christ is to like the things he likes such that they are your natural first choice. You don’t even really need to think about it, because your wants and his are so frequently identical. That’s because your heart has been renewed to the extent the deepest desires in you line up with the desires of God himself. And even when you make mistakes, you realize how much that does not represent who you want to be at your core. You quickly get back on track, ready and willing to rejoin with God and his plan for you. Despite your deep, abiding connection with God, relationships with those you might naturally influence aren’t as strong as they might be considering your maturity. People can be disappointing, and given how much you enjoy God, it certainly is understandable that you might prefer his company to theirs. Once you increase your involvement with the needs of others and initiate meaningful, spiritual conversations with those who are far from God, you will see your fruitfulness increase dramatically. Also, despite your belief in and strong love for God, you still find yourself hesitant in taking steps to follow his call into risky territory. As you look to your ultimate destination in life, you realize your spiritual progress is also intended to be an inspiration to others who are not as far along in their journey. Jesus spoke of and modeled “making disciples” through connecting with a few people for the purpose of mentoring them in the ways of God. That is clearly going to be a growing opportunity for you, and will increasingly define the mark you make on the next generation of Christ-followers. Your personalized growth plan will help you live out more fully your identity in Christ in the context of community, take you to even greater levels of freedom, and guide you toward leaving a lasting legacy for God and his Kingdom.

My Next Step Themes

• Spiritual Coaching in Practice
  This theme deals with the importance of leaving a spiritual legacy. Your growth path includes learning about how to influence the next generation of Christ-followers so they too will carry the message of God’s love to your lost world and continue the progress of the gospel world-wide.
• Your Identity In Action in Community
  This theme deals with how your new identity in Christ spurs you on to get involved in ministry. Your growth path includes:
  • learning about how God’s new heart in you leads to service
  • comprehending the sweeping implications of the “one another” commands in the New Testament that will redefine how you relate to others
  • stepping into the exciting adventure of personal evangelism.
  
• Living Free
  This theme deals with how you keep your minds and souls free and unencumbered through focusing on core spiritual realities. Your growth path includes:
  • being reminded of your eternal home in heaven and the hope that infuses your life
  • learning to stay connected to God even in the midst of suffering
  • gaining freedom from your painful past by forgiving grudges.

P. Richy is testing this out to see if it would be something beneficial to Bronx Bethany. I am a part of the preliminary process, giving feedback about what works, what doesn't work. Here is the description of what Engage is:

It is an online tool that helps you engage in your spiritual growth, in spiritual friendships and conversations, and in relevant ways with your church community and the world around you. One key aspect is that you will receive an Engage Portrait© that helps you understand where you’re at spiritually and a direction for growth. It then provides personalized recommendations or next steps you should consider taking to grow. These are steps that will challenge you to learn, connect with others and pursue new experiences. While Engage brings a broad perspective, it is anchored by the opportunities, experiences, teaching, expertise and relationships that your church community has to offer.

So this'll be a cool process. A cool tool. That's the thing though; it's a tool. It is a tendency of my to try to fit descriptions of me. No longer.

-Salmon

7:15 pm.

Jesus be the Center, Your Presence is Heaven to me.

From my heart to the Heavens,

Jesus be the Center.

It's all about You;

Yes. It's all about You.

Bring me back to the Heart of Worship Lord.

It's all about You.

Engrain that in my heart. Etch that into my heart Lord. Hallelujah. You, You, You, You, it's all about You Jesus. Help me to give ALL THINGS over to You Lord. My first Love. My authentic Love. My Steadfast Love. My Identity. My source of joy. My Life. Jesus be the Center. It's all about You Lord! From my heart to the Heavens, Jesus be the Center, it's all about You, yes, it's all about You. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen Father.

You are the Center of my Life. You are the One I worship. Presence of the Living God, walk with me. Go with me Holy Spirit. I don't want to ever have to enter into Your Presence Lord. Consume me with Your Presence Lord that You may walk with me daily, moment by moment Father. I NEED YOU GOD!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Nothing in this world will satisfy,

But Jesus You're the Cup that won't run dry.

Go before me Lord. Walk with me Father. Never leave me Lord.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your Presence?

If I go to the Heavens You are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there Your Hand will guide me,

Your Right Hand will hold me fast.

You know me Father. Thank You for knowing me. Oh Jesus. Your Presence is Heaven to me.

Go with me Lord. Come with me. Follow me all the days of my life. Be my joy, be my strength.

Amen.

5:16 pm.

Saturday Thoughts

Today, I've been thinking about things.

One of those things is that I still have a concern about how others perceive me. I want to so much to get credit for things and to be esteemed highly in the sight of man. My self-image needs to be rooted n Christ alone, for realz.

Another thing has been my role as small group leader. I am not confident. I am not excited. I do not like it at all. It's been difficult because I do not have the kind of small group members that I thought I would have. I do not have small group members that are eager to be involved in the fellowship. That is hard. And so Lord, what are You teaching me? Revealing to me Father? What do You want me to do.

Trust You.

Try.

*Sigh* Father, please do the work. Help me to run, that I would not grow weary. To walk and not be faint. To hope in the Lord so that my strength would be renewed. Do this Lord, so that I can pursue my small group members so much more. And as You renew my strength, please increase my love for them God. Would my love and investment in them not be dependent on involved they are in IV. But would it be dependent on love. Help me to see everything in this life through the eyes of Christ. For realz, Lord. Eyes of God, with the understanding that everyone is worthy of love, of investment, because they are made in Your Image. The core of their identity is that they were made in Your Image. Forever would I know and be aware of that.

So Father, as I worship You and pray at this prayer and worship night, would speak. Would I hear You Father. Would I listen. Please break strongholds and set captives free! Hallelu Jah.

Amen.

5:59 pm

It's all about Jesus anyway.

It's all about You Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

There ispower in Your Name Father. And there is the greatest love in Your Name. I thank You that I have that. Though You take things away that I value greatly, many times too greatly, I thank You that I have You. You do not compare to anything that I over-appreciate. Help me to be satisfied with Your will and Your plan. I thank You that in bringing glory to Yourself, You also work things out for the good of those who love You.

It's all about You.

It's all about You.

Father, be the center of me. I want to be hidden so far deep into You. Please answer this prayer Lord. Would I be so rooted in Your love. Would I be in You.

Jesus, please help me to study. My focus has been diverted to the loss of community in J-man and all motivation I had to study hard has died. Help me to perserve in praise, through my lips and through this action of studying. Father, I can only do it through Jesus Christ. Please help me Lord.

I pray in Your Powerful Name,

Amen.

11:18 pm

Evan. Training 2

So,

At Evan. Training:

There were more ORC members present than non-ORC members.

Ratio:

4:3

But it's all good and I'm okay. It's not about me, it's not about the numbers. God did something through Evan. Training, whether we see it or not. Hallelujah.

1:17 am

Evan. Training/Circle Diagram

In about an hour and a half, Evangelism Training begins.

I'm okay.

Jesus taught my heart today that it's all about Jesus.

My incapabilities, my insecurities, will not stop God from doing what He's gonna do because it's all about Him. Hallelujah.

So I'm practicing this circle diagram. And I still don't feel ready. But I'm not bugging out. Father, please speak. Like, I really expect/know You are going to speak because these are Your children that You are equipping and teaching. You will not let them hear a false gospel. So speak Lord. Take over my nerves/anxiousness while I speak/leading up to the gospel presentation. There is power in Your Name and in the gospel! So affect and infect Dickinson small group with its truth. I am just Your vessel Lord. Wear me like a suit Jesus. Holy Spirit, do all the talking.

_______________________________________

We live in a broken world. There are big issues: homelessness, poverty, lack of water, economic injustice, sex trafficking, global warming, natural disasters, slavery, you name it. We look at these problems and we recognize them as wrong and we desire something better. If we have hunger, that suggests the existence of food. If we thirst, that suggests the existence of drink. The longing that we as people for a fixed world suggests that that either existed or will exist.

Christians believe that the world was at one point perfect. We were in right standing with God and with each other. We had each other's best interests at heart; our relationship with God, with each other, and with the world was whole. Everything was in harmony!

But we became selfish. We decided to place the focus on our own desires and our own interests, damaging our relationship with God and with each other. Sin, anything that hurts our relationship with God, was the curse that entered this world because of our selfishness.

So our world, which was designed for good, became damaged by evil.

However!

God in His love did not want us to stay in this state of brokenness. He sent Jesus, who was fully human and fully God, to come and restore the world. The cool thing about Jesus is that even though He was fully human, He did not have the curse of sin that humanity has. And so He was the perfect person to rectify our relationship with God. Even though He did not sin, He owned up to our sin and the price that we should have paid for it-- death. He died on a cross, and with Him dying He took all the crap with Him. He rose from the dead three days later, giving us freedom and hope. He offers forgiveness for our sin so that we don't have to be governed by the brokenness that is in the world. He gives us the opportunity to be restored to our relationship with God. So the world was restored for better.

What awesome though, is that it doesn't even end there! Jesus has sent us into the to heal! To bring the kingdom of God on earth. We cannot do this without Him, because we are still broken and sinful. We need God's healing and restoration for our own lives before we can be sent together to heal. And eventually, this world will be as it was, and there will not be any more evil and pain.

____________________________________________

Circle Diagram for the most part. Be with me as You share Lord God! May the hearts of Dickinson small group be receptive and open. May there be clarity and may the Holy Spirit have His Way. In the Name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

6:10 pm

Beautiful Relation

Whoever that guy is supposed to be.... our relationship is going to be beautiful. Without the hype, the romanticism. Because of God, our relationship will be beautiful for what it is, not for what it's hyped up to be. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for transforming my eyes.

10:58 pm

Contentment in Christ=Freedom to Worship

Ah boy.

God is good yo. God is good.

I was hanging out with the Jer-man last night. Lately, I've been ancy and unsettled in my spirit because there is a lack of resolution between me and Garnett. On Sunday he said, "We may need to talk soon," and I said "Okay." So I was hoping that this conversation would signify the end of my wilderness. But Jer suggested that I might actually be on the verge of another breakthrough/level of distance/level of depth of understanding/growth. And so I am not out yet. Feels to easy though. Is that wrong to feel? I feel like I haven't felt enough pain yet to expect/ask for rain. But is it wrong to anticipate/expect pain in this way? Feels weird to think that way. I feel like it does not paint God in a right way. Dunno. Whatevs.

But I appreciate the clarity/some measure of understanding about what's been going on with me lately. Expedition was AWESOME. God was teaching me through Jonah 2 that I need to call out to Him when I am in distress, sacrifice with the voice of thanksgiving, and pay Him what I have vowed. He was renewing my spirit for sure. And then Monday came and midway through I crashed. Like, went down way low. I broke down with Kit before I led small group. It was not the best day. I am sick of fighting these insecure/low self-esteemish feelings when it comes to small group. And I keep having spiritual highs, then lows, emotional highs, than lows and it's icky man! But God is transforming my eyes and my heart. That kind of stuff don't come quick.

One thing I appreciate about Jer is that when I talk to him, he lets me talk and does not assume what I am going to say. And when he counsels me, he uses my own words, which in turn pieces discombobulated thoughts together. Lol. Thanks for not barking at me Jer! And thank you for keeping things real <3

So at the moment, I am really desiring contentment in Christ. Jon Chen and I are leading worship this Friday at large group and I'm really excited for it! We are expecting God to show up in a way that He has not before. We desire an atmosphere of worship. And Jer brought up a thought that what I'm going through has an effect on how I worship. And even though being expressive is how worship naturally, that is never fully realized when I am at IV because...I dunno, not the right atmosphere, environment? I don't know. Why is it that at BBCN I am so much freer and at IV I'm not? I think it's 'cause at BBCN I feel more one-ness with the people than I do I IV. At BB, you're gonna worship God no matter who is looking, no matter who's worshiping or not worshiping. At IV, we are conscious of others' beliefs, non-Christians who may be present, not being judged by others. But I want to worship! And I am going to worship. The Lord is shaping our identity so that we don't look to each other or the university community to determine how we do things, but to God alone. And worship is one of those things that should not be compromised for anything. It is all about God; exalting Him, being brought back to the understanding that we are called to worship Him, and reminding ourselves of what God did to save us from condemnation. Feelings of nervousness and concern about what others think should not infiltrate our worship AT ALL.

Yeah. Excited for tomorrow.

Trying to think of verses to share. What would You have me share Lord?

Anywayz.

Peace.

5:15 pm

Friends and Men

GRARH!

Oh-Em-GEE!

This ain't all that serious. But come on man!

So my friend is really pretty. She is really sweet and has an extremely killer voice. And that's great. But she's, like, milking up all the guys! You know that rule, that you can't date your friend's ex. So when your friend is dating all the guys you see potential in/find attractive, great for you! Every person I've been like Hmm, there's some chance there I have to write off in my mind because they are taken or have been taken by her. Agh!

And I laugh at this and say Really God? not in a depressing way but in a hah-hah-very-funny way. Oh the life of a single, Christian, little woman!

12:33

Oh sigh. I guess that it's a good thing though. Instead of seeing these guys as potential others, I'll be able to appreciate their community way more because I won't be thinking about what need he can fulfill or how we'll fit together. Will let You do Your thing, God. Will let You do Your thing.

My Name Means...

Janell - God is gracious (Hebrew)

Alicia - Noble, Exalted (Old German)

Salmon - Peace (Hebrew)

BLEH.

BLEH.

I feel BLEH.

I don't want to do anything school related. I was sitting in Anthropology and Philosophy today and I did not care at all about what was going on. I was so eager to get out. My heart does not burn for this stuff! And I'm like, how am I going to survive this semester with this level of disinterest! Seriously, flunking out does not seem all that impossible. Uuuugh, Jesus help me! Sustain me please! Because it is really hard to give glory and honor to You in this area. And this is the role You have given me in this time in my life! I am not playing my role at all.

REVELATION.

God is re-shaping the identity of our fellowship!!!!!!

So many of us on an individual level, are being shaped and refined by God in similar and perspective-altering ways. And it's interesting, because I know that at my life at the moment, God is moving me and shaping in the same direction as the fellowship. Meaning, as God is speaking to me about evangelism and the IV vision, He is speaking to the fellowship about it. It's weird, I'll explain it later. But our identity is being transformed so that we can carry out the vision He has given IV!

Talkin' with the Jer-man

Most times when I talk to Jer, God says something through him to transform my perspective. And it's always so much to process that I have trouble communicating what's been said.

Following our conversation, I have this feeling of... okay-ness. I will be okay. No doubt about that. I really will emerge fine from this. And God has to continue break down the pedestal that I have Garnett on.

Um...

I need to focus on God. Not on the course of our relationship or how God will re-build it. My concern is not to be What will that look like. My concern is Lord, how do I love other people? I have invested so much into one person, poured so much out into one person, that I have not been loving community or allowing them to love me. I prayed a few entries back, the 11th of October "Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please." And that is want my focus needs to be. Praying for the eyes and heart of God.

And I was just thinking, what about those verses that talk about God giving you the desires of your heart? Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." John 16:23 says "Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." I desire Stephen. But then there's this verse in James that goes

You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:2b-3).

I need God's heart. How can I ask for anything with confidence that I will get it if I do not have His heart? Moreover, if He is not all to me, then I can't ask Him for anything. Garnett is still in a part of my heart where God needs to be. And I am excited for how God will redeem my heart for Him.

Lord, please help me to keep my focus on You. Give me Your heart, give me Your eyes. I pray for wisdom in abundance. And I pray that You would help me to love people as You love them. Would I look on all with grace in my eyes Lord? Hallelujah. Make me more like You Jesus. Would that be my sole desire? Please encourage me and strengthen me when I go into periods where I really miss Garnett. Would I take hold of the Spirit of Power, Love, and Self-discipline that You have already given me. Would I OWN it Lord! Your will be done Father.

Amen.

This entry does not represent well what I'm thinking/feeling. But praise God, that His transformation of me is not dependent on what/how much I remember, but on Him alone. He works it out, plants the wisdom into my heart, shapes and molds me. Thanks Lord.

5:56 pm

Hallelujah Jesus, I praise You Father. Beautiful Lord, You are perfect and good and beautiful. I thank You for Your great love for me. And I thank You for sustaining me. Please help me through the rest of my week. And even I sit in this room with these strangers, as uncourteous as they were, help me to love them Lord Jesus, Hallelujah. Oh man. I pray for them Lord. May they know Your AWESOME love. May they know Christ as Savior and Lord. Lead them to the cross Lord. You have the power to do it and You are mighty to save. Would You save? Hallelujah Lord Jesus. Lol, help me to be full of love and the grace of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Holy are You God.

Holy is Your Name.

With everything I've got,

My heart will sing,

How I love You.

2:56 AM

Prayer of Praise

Praise!

Praise the Father, Praise the Son, Praise the Spirit, the Great Three in One.

Thank You Father for what You are doing in my heart, in my life. I praise You in advance for the mighty things You will do through me to bring glory to Yourself. Hallelujah. Would I be so focused on praising You and on bringing glory to Your Name. Would that drive me. Would my thoughts be on You alone Father. I pray that today, I would be enamored with Christ's love for me and live in awareness of that love. ♪ Nothing else matters ♪ My one desire is to worship You. Hallelujah! Encourage me in the Spirit, give me joy in You oh Lord. Help me to praise You through the storm, to persevere under trial, to endure suffering, to be still and know that You are God. Praise Yahweh.

In the Name of Jesus the Son I pray,

AMEN.

3:25 am

Lack of Motivation meets Reluctance to Become a Woman. Yikes.

Apathy...

Is a mighty dangerous thing.

Yesterday and today, I've been feeling absent. Apathetic and unmotivated by the things of life. Small group leading feels like a chore. Schoolwork is just another thing to do. I am going through a life transformation. I'm thinking about Expedition, how I'm going to pay for it, how others are going to pay for it, and there are NomCom Interviews this Saturday. All this stuff moves me to say... I don't care anymore. Ugh.

Last night, I realized something. I can't call Stephen brother anymore. My calling him brother is a straight up denial of my feelings for him. And I have expressed, the reason why our relationship was so skewed was because I was using it to fill this need to have a protector, a fatherly/brotherly love and to fill this desire to have a boyfriend/husband. I was trying to have the best of both worlds.

But I can't have the best of both worlds. I am not a little girl anymore. The little Janell still wants an older brother, still wants a father to protect her, watch over, make sure no harm comes to her. But the growing woman desires a man to be with, to love and to be loved by, deeply and intimately. I was trying to force Garnett into the former role, that of older brother, especially since he sees me as a little sister. That helped justify his role as brother. But the fact is, I don't see him as strictly that. I like him, and I desire him in a deep way. Period. And I have to accept that. If I continue to deny it, I will never grow up. This little girl inside of me will continue to struggle to live. But my childhood is gone. I am a 19-year-old woman, not a 19-year-old child. And I'm by no means grown, but I am definitely not a little girl anymore.

It kinda sucks. Being fathered looks a lot different for me now. And I will never get it in the way that I have always desired. But praise God! He will restore my brokenness. And I am glad that I am going through this, so that my daughters do not have to. Lord, would You bless them with a father that will love them in the way that You have called men to love their daughters.

And would You help me step into my womanhood? Would You help me to give this need, this desire for a father, to You? Would You fill this need Father? I don't want to search anymore. I want to be satisfied with You God in this capacity. Hallelujah. What does it look like to be fathered by my physical dad as a woman Jesus? Would You help me? Would You heal the pain that I have? Would You fill the gaps and holes in my heart where I wish my dad was? And with this desire for a husband, help me not to run away from it. Help me to embrace it, and step into the woman that You are molding me into.

Aaaahhhhhh.

Amen.

I miss my brother.

But I don't know what kind of miss.

Like,

I said to myself today that I really love him. But in what way?

In Anthropology today, we talked about limitations of language. And in the English language, the word love has so many different meanings. How do I differentiate between my love for tamarind balls and my love for my friend? We use the same word in each situation to describe our deep affection, that's crazy!

So even with Garnett, I can't figure it out. In what way do I love him? Is it still in an idolizing way? Am I ignoring his faultiness or choosing to look past them? Because if the former, I do not love him, I'm just keeping him on a pedestal, a pedestal that undermines the fact that he is human and flawed. If the latter, then my love runs deeper than what I see on the outside.

What does it look like to love someone for who they are? Love their true identity? If Christ is your base and the One you root yourself in, that is where your identity lies. That is who I am. I am who I am in Christ Jesus alone. How do I love someone for who he is in Christ alone? For who she is in Christ alone? How do I love past the mistakes, past the lack, past the inabilities, past the heritage, skin color, dread locks, physical attraction, differences, similarities? I don't want my love to depend on external characteristics, but the heavenly quality of being a son of God. That's why I want to love Garnett.

Lord, I pray for help. Because it's also difficult for me to comprehend how I can love this guy without my romantic feelings getting in the way/being a distraction. How can my romantic feelings be reconciled with genuinely loving him when his feelings for me are not reciprocated? The line is so muddy and I don't understand. But You know and I pray that You will teach me. And in teaching me through this experience Lord, I pray that You would teach me how to love other people. Past every great characteristic and past every flaw. Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please.

Praise Yahweh, Amen.

4:50 pm.

I am not defined by my mistakes.

I am not defined by my lack of.

I am not defined by other's perceptions of me.

I am not defined by how I think others perceive me.

I am not defined by how much I mean to someone.

I am not defined by that facial expression flashed my way when I do something he or she disagrees with.

I am not defined by what I haven't done.

I am not defined by my successes.

I am not defined by what I am able to do.

I am not defined by whether or not a guy will like me.

I am not defined by how well I can answer a question in class.

I am not defined by how impressed people are about my intelligence.

I am not defined by how impressed people are by my level of maturity in my walk with God.

I am not defined by how well/whether or not I can relate to people.

I am not defined by how many pop culture references I know.

I am not defined by how many friends I have on Facebook.

I am not defined by how well I can harmonize.

I am not defined by the person I am at home.

I am not defined by the person I am outside.

I am not defined by my natural hair.

I am not defined by my big eyes.

I am not defined by my black skin.

I am not defined by my neediness.

I am not defined by my past examples of my lack of trust in God.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see myself the way God sees me.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see my life the way God sees it.

I am not defined by the fact that I have trouble recognizing the gifts that God has given me.

I am not defined by the fact that I am in real need of material help in this college dorm.

These things do not define me.

No

No

No

No

No

No

No.

No Janell. Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies. Jesus loves you so much.

And He died,

So that you could be defined

By what He did for you.

He died,

So that your identity

Would be in Him alone.

Him.

Jesus the Christ.

Jesus the Messiah, the Risen Son of God.

Your worth

Is not based on things that fluctuate

Pass away

Are surface.

Your worth goes far, FAR deeper. Janell, deeply loved you are. Deeply valued, you are. Your value is not determined by whether or not someone responds to your text message.

THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE LOVES ME!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! >:'O

I am defined by You Lord!!!!!! YOU give me my identity.

I pray for satisfaction in You.

I pray for satisfaction in who I am in You.

I pray for a constant awareness of Your high, long, deep, wide love (Ephesians 3:18).

I pray that I would love You back Lord.

I pray that You would be everything to me Jesus.

Please Lord. Be everything to me.

Lord,

I hurt.

I miss my brother. But for what? What do I miss? Everything was so skewed anyway. And can we ever be friends again anyway? I desire him in a much deeper way than that and I don't know how I can have that desire and not revert back to the way things were when I was hanging out with him all the time. I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have for an older brother/father figure (this thought came to me the other day; maybe I did not seek a person to fill the father role because I already had one but since the emotional presence was not there, I desired the older brother because I thought that was from where the emotion-ness would come) and I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have to intimately be with someone. How unhealthy that was. I am so glad to be out of it before it got worse, and there has been a joy that comes from freedom since I parted with him (it is creepy how much of an awesome week I had... seemingly too good to be true) but at the same time I miss him. And that missing, I fear, is turning/going to turn into a annooying/painstaking feeling of "I want to BE with somebody!!!!" Huh. New thought. That desire to be with someone will only grow. It was subdued for a while because I had my relationship with Garnett filling in. But he's not here anymore. And this is going to be lonely. I wonder if it's the same for him. I was wondering a little bit about what God is teaching him through this. And I wonder if it's the fact that he can't be protector. He can't be the one on whom a person relies or depends (she is the one on whom we can depend, she is the one named Sailor Moon!....... sorry).

Lol.

He just walked by and my stomach just jumped so hard/much. I'm in the little room next to the Digman Downstairs Lounge, the one that does not have a door and where I led my first small group. Think it was him, from my peripheral, the guy was tall and black and wearing a suit jacket. Yup. Hear his voice and maybs Sam. Thought I saw Debs leave from my peripheral a few minutes ago. Whatever, this is totally irrelevant.

As I was saying, I wonder if he's learning a similar lesson. And if feelings of loneliness will come up because I'm not there for him to try to protect anymore. Ugh. I hate thinking like this. Honestly, I feel quite lame. I took this guy and made him so much! Girl with a big heart and big needs looking in the wrong places. And I confessed to Ray (who is actually real easy to talk to and we spoke 'til like 6:30 this morning... woke up for church at 10:15 o_o) that part of me is glad when I find out he is actually pretty affected by this because it makes me know that I was actually appreciated by him. And it's hard for me to fully accept that he's affected by this so much because I feel like it does not compare to how I feel about. Fact of the matter is, as much as he appreciates me, it doesn't mean anything: it will never be in the way that I desire. And how can I keep my feelings at bay when God's love and Spirit is so much in him!

Ahhhh. Really can't even to think out how things will work out. This really for God to do because I have no clue how I ever be this guy's actual friend while still having feelings for him. And I have no idea how long this trial will last. And I definitely don't know the greater picture for what I am supposed to learn. But it's not for me to know. It's for me to look at Jesus only and put my hope in Him. And Lord, I thank You so much for the peace and the companionship. What would I do without You????

Oh Great and Mighty One

With one desire I come

That You would Reign

That You would Reign in me. Amen.

Lord, would you be enough for me please? Please? Please?

And Lord I pray for Stephen. Right now, I pray aside from what I feel. I pray that You would be his sustenance. However this affected him, whether as much or far less, would You use this experience to correct him and guide him to You as well? Hallelujah. Be glorified in this Lord Jesus. And as I have prayed before, may this relationship between Garnett and I be what You want it to be. Whatever is not glorifying to You, take out, even if it means that our friendship is never restored. I thank You Father that You mean things to work out for my good too. You don't have to do that. Yet You promised it. Wow. You really mean that then. That all things work together for my good. Wow. Thanks a lot God. And I thank You for PEACE. Even though I have yet to plan small group and I've got work to do, I thank You so much that it's in it's perspective and these things are not running my heart. Really God, thank You for this mercy. And for the community. Oh man, how much You have done that cannot even be contained in this blogpost!! I thank You Jesus. Thank You for calling me right back to You. Hallelujah.

In the Name of the Son Jesus I pray with much thanksgiving in my heart,

Amen.

Lord,

I miss my brobro.

Today I was feeling weird because I realized that I lost a really important friend to me, and yet I'm fine. Like, I'm really okay. And I feel like I should feel a little bad. I am measuring his level of importance to me by how I feel now that he's gone. And I feel so good! It's creeping me out. But then he came up in conversation with the freshman Staci, who lives on his floor, and it sucks that I can't really talk like I know him so well anymore. I still do, and I can get away with it for a little while, but depending on where God takes this, there will be a time where a whole chunk of his life has passed by and I can't talk about him like I know him anymore. Ooouch. I guess I feel like I should feel some guilt for what I did. But God called me to do it; what guilt is there in doing the will of God.

These feelings take there root in something that happened yesterday. Jon Ye called me to do a last minute video for large group tomorrow. It was an Expedition plug and he needed extras. So I was like sure. And guess who was there. I texted Jerry this: Praaaay for me please. We are in the same room, this is aaawkward. And I was being really chipper and everything to try to make myself feel more comfortable. We weren't really talking to each other, just to others in the room, and then I asked him how his day was. He said it was awesome, Will is he new best friend. And then he did a mean laugh to Ray. Anyway, before we started filming, he said it was not in a right mood, he think he might leave. And then he said a few minutes later, "Sorry Jon Ye, gonna leave." And he left.

It's interesting to be in a place where I don't know anything about his life as it's happening. We haven't been friends for that long, but a large part of our friendship was that I always knew what was going on with him. He didn't always know what was going on with me, but I knew with him. Huh. We really were unequally yoked. Not in terms of our faith in Christ, but with how we related to each other. On my side, I was aspiring, subconsciously, to be like him. So though I miss him, I am free to be me in Christ, not trying to be anyone else. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am enough, in and of myself; nothing needs to be added and nothing needs to be taken away. God has made me me for a reason.

I realized that the reason me and G were unequally yoked is because I was using our relationship to try to fill up two needs that I had: the need for a father/older brother and the need for a husband. God showed me that I was lonely and was using my 'friendship' with Garnett to try to fil those needs. But as Lacy said, those are really big needs. Garnett cannot fill me up. There is no possible way he could, even if we were dating or even married. So the combo of trying to be him and trying to be filled by him skewered our relationship so badly. Hidden to the human eye, at least my eyes (and probably his) but SO obvious to God! So He took it away. He took the idol away. And steered me right back to Him.

So now I'm learning to stand on my own to feet again, independent of any other identity markers but the one I have in Christ. I've got brothers and sisters praying for me and God is hearing them. But you know, even if they weren't praying, God would still be faithful and lead me back to Him. He says in Psalm 25:8 The Lord is good and does what is right; He shows the proper path to those who go astray. Praise You Father THANK You so much!

Lord Jesus, thank You for Your strong, unfailing love for me. Oh man, he just called and that threw me off so much. Uuuugh, I miss him Father! I really do! But THANK YOU that you hear me and you SEE MY PAIN!!!!! What would I do if I didn't have you???!!!!! Ahhhh, THANK YOU! And instill in me the passion to have others know Your love too. HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU FATHER!!!!!

In CHRIST'S NAME I pray,

AMEN.

Letting Go Of Who I've Held Onto

My heart hurts!

Yesterday, I had to cut off my relationship with Garnett. God showed me that he was becoming an idol, and I need to redirect my focus back to God.

It's pretty crazy how God showed me; the revelation was well coordinated. It's crazy how much He will teach you before some trials even start.

On Monday, the 26th of Sept, I went to Estefani and Akua's room to visit them and Lacy and Camille (Estefani made salsa that they ran out of before I got there). I did not intend to stay long, but it crazy how God guided the conversation to one about identity. And a lot of wheels were just turning as I was thinking about my identity in a new light. I can't even totally remember what came up, but all I remember is that a lot of what we talked about involved Stephen and my relationship with him. Estefani brought up at one point during the conversation that she had never heard me talk about my parents. And I was raving about how annoyed I am at the fact that Garnett is so relevant in a lot of the conversations that I have with people, even people that I just meet. Then Lacy suggested that I see him as a parental figure. And then it went into a discussion about always wanting a brother, always wanting to be protected and how Stephen just fit that role incredibly well. And yada yada.

Then on Tuesday, Andy Bertodatti hit me up to see how things were in Bing. And we spoke a lot about vision, what God's doing, InterVarsity, and evangelism. It was incredibly refreshing and exciting, I think the best conversation we've had actually. Then on Tuesday night, Jon Ye hit me up and we chatted in my room for a while. The subject of our conversation was community, and God was getting my mind thinking about that too. I realized that I live for reactions instead of for responses when it comes to community. Reactions are temporary, responses more long term. I live for the "Janell is so cool"s and the "I love Janell"s and "Janell is so funny!"s. I don't seek long-term relationships, and that manifests itself in the way I act around people. I only care if they like me.

These were 3 conversation that happened over the span of about 24 hours. And so I was wondering how these were all related. And Jon Ye helped me see a thread: Something to the effect of, "You have to be rooted in your identity in order to be in community and you need the community in order to evangelize....." so'em like that. But there was still the question Why are these conversations happening? And what I was reminded of through this 3-convo experience also is that God is the One who initiates change. I give a lot of credit to human effort, more than is do. I recognize the problem in me or in the world and I pray to God to change that character flaw or situation. But I have to recognize it before anything can really happen. But God is teaching me that He sees the issue first, and then He brings it to my attention. He starts the process, the initiator of change and transformation. I was not even aware about my serious identity/community issue - God had to show me the problem.

Phew. A lot to type.

So here comes Thursday. I hang out with Jerry and God just goes in! I was met with brutal honesty and a call to obey God be walking away from my relationship with Garnett. Scary! My relationship with him was skewed and not at all bringing glory to God. I have prayed, whenever I was unsure/felt a little iffy about me and Garnett, that God's will be done. That our relationship would be what He wants it to be. And God is doing just that. He is being glorified through the ending of our relationship.

Why/How is God being glorified through its ending? God is showing me how much of a distraction Garnett was to me and how much of an idol he was. I was having my issues with things between us i.e. there were times where I felt I fully could not be myself/express myself around him, but to me that was an isolated issue. But God was like "No, it actually is affecting everything else." I have not been able to give my best to God because I have been serving two masters. Jerry put it that what we have is not a friendship because I am seeking to get things from him that he can't give and he's seeking to give me things that he doesn't have. And Lacy said two days ago, in response to me expressing that I feel like a pathetic puppy (because this is all one-sided and unrequited), that she doesn't see a puppy but a girl with a big heart and big hearts who is looking in the wrong place. I bring those two comments up because the idolization is two-faced: Yes, I put Stephen on a pedestal, but it's also (maybe even more so?) that I idolize the relationship. I use it to fill a need that I have in my heart: to be fully accepted, protected by, and loved by someone. And in that way, Garnett was usurping (unknowingly, I hope he does not look like a jerk here) God. God was being usurped again by a guy. What the heck Janell! I was using Garnett to fill a void in me that only God can totally fill! And I did not realize I was doing that.

Jerry told me something that I objected to at first, but it is probably true. He said that while I am hurting and struggling with this, God is going to be right there. I won't have to even struggle to pull Him down to me. It was probably harder to get Garnett/this relationship with Garnett to be so close to me that to get God to be close to me. And that hit me/offended me/was hard for me to believe at first. Did I really force God out of the way?

It's crazy to realize the wrong I've done. It's like in Acts 2 when Peter is preaching to the people and he tells them that they killed the Messiah, the Chosen One of God. They were cut to the heart when they realized what they had done. And how merciful is God that His answer is only to repent and be baptized!

So anyway, through my conversation with Jerry, God explained to me why He brought up issues of my identity, vision and evangelism, and community. He told me that my relationship with Garnett was blocking all 3 of them. It was literally eclipsing these and preventing progress. And the relationship had to go in order for me to grow. My relationship with him was not an isolated issue, oh no. It prevented me from leading small group freely, from being missional on my floor, from investing in my relationships with other people, from focusing on my school work. I spent so many hours with him! Seeking for him to fulfill me in ways that of course he could not have! And it wasn't for him to.

And how did it even get that far? Because one thing that I realized is that there has definitely been a change in pace of our relationship. I was watching maybe a little over a minute of a video I did on 12.4.2010 and I'm like, when I was thinking about Stephen back then, it was just a really bad crush. All I talked about was how much I liked him. And now that sentiment has become more subtle, but so dangerous. What God showed me yesterday is that the way I view myself and community is so broken! Whenever I think of the very close friends I have, Stephen is always the first person that comes to mind. Why? Because he has seen the awesome and not-so-awesome parts of me yet still accepts all of me. He takes after me as a little sister, no matter how annoying I get. And it amazes me that someone outside of my family would do that. And so I gripped this relationship because I never thought that I'd ever find another person like that, or at least not many of them exist. Everybody talks about how cool I am, but I felt like if they knew the darkest and dankest parts of me, they would no longer. So it amazed me that this guy could see me at my worst and still accept me. But that's God right there! And God is so much better at accepting me for me than anybody could ever be! So my fulfillment needs to come from Him. But also, with the Body of Christ, I have to trust it more. I need to be vulnerable not just with my pain but also with my shameful flaws. I need to allow the Body to love me totally and not count it out or undermine it. Garnett is not the only person who can accept me. He is not a special-edition human that God created. I need to allow the community to love me and seek to build up other relationships within it.

So yesterday, I told Garnett that God showed me things about our relationship that are not pleasing to him and that He is calling me to withdraw. It was pretty much that announcement. And then he texted me about 5 minutes later: "Don't feel bad or worry about my feelings when you're following God's directive. No matter how far away you go your always my sister." And then I bawled so hard. My response? "Thanks Stephen." But that was a total understatement to the gratitude and appreciation for him that I had. And I don't know if that overflow of gratitude was a feeling I should have felt (because we feel extreme gratitude to God; is this overflow of appreciation another evidence that my priorities were screwed up?), but I was definitely heart-broken. And I don't think I've fully realized how much our relationship will change because God definitely is not in possession of my heart even in this moment. I keep on thinking of when will be cool again/close again. But that may never be. And I have not come to the point where I am okay with that.

LORD!!!!!!

I want to fall more in love with YOU! I want to let go of all that I have held on to and count it all as loss in comparison to You, my treasure! I thank You for this trial, that You are calling me right back to You. That You are disciplining me; I know that You love me. Please bless me with joy like none I have known yet and with a peace that transcends comprehension. I want to love You Lord. Eclipse this affliction with Your glory. Praise be to the God who gives and who takes away. I worship You Father, in the midst of the storm. Hallelujah! Praise Yahweh! I give myself to You, bruise me to use me and accomplish Your good and perfect work.

Amen.

So yup, that's mi life at the moment. May God get glory through my life story. Amen.

4:50 pm.

CAH-RAZY stuff going on in my life right now! And yet I am excited! God is pruning me. And for right now, I am calm and at peace, but a storm is coming. It is coming real soon; it will turn the corner any moment. But I will be okay in the end. The Father is with me.

I don't know.

How do you love a person without loving their sin? When their sin is what defines them?

I just came back from the S.H.A.D.E.S meeting. No clue what it stands for, but it basically in an LGBTQ group from people of color. I accidentally came through their meeting and I left a little early to go to the library, which is where I am at right now. I am trying to figure out how to not judge and how to love, but at the same time not condone or accept what is not right. Such a war.

Lord, help me to see them through Your Eyes. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, and may I approach every situation as Jesus would. Would You help me to LOVE those of the LGBTQ community as You do. Show me what it means to really love people, despite how they define themselves. And may I REACH out to them with the love of Christ. So help me God, may I be an instrument of Your peace and of Your love only; may I not condemn or judge. May I see them as You see them and as You see me.

Nothing is impossible for Him you know.

How did I get here?

I'm not who I once was.

I'm crippled by the fear

That I've fallen so far.

But I am more than the problems I create

I try to believe that I've been given new life

But I can't shake the feeling that it's not true

I know all the answers and have rehearsed all the lines

I'll try to do better but I'm too weak to try!

But I'm more than the choices that I've made

The sum of my past mistakes

I've been remade

Not about what I've done

Not about where I've been

Not about what I feel

It's about what He did.

I am at this point in my walk where I am not enthusiastic. I'm not excited about the things that God is doing in InterVarsity, on this campus, or through me in leading small group. I've been experiencing an apathy and a despair But glory to God. He is changing that. Thank You Father for how You are speaking to me, even in this moment.

Amen.

James 4:8

Quality time with God, the night of August 22, 2011

I want to be content with God alone, exclusive of everything else.
I want the thought of me being recognized and praised to be as pointless and foolish a thought as me going to a college party, where God is not glorified.
I want to go to God everyday because when I am with Him, everything is put into perspective.

Each day that I do not go to God, my flesh wins and my spirit dies. Each day when I go to God, my spirit wins and my flesh dies.

I cannot prepare the food, cook the food, bake the cake and be nourished. I have to actually eat the food. Same with my involvement in the work of God; I cannot be preparing events, leading small group, volunteering to lead in areas of ministry and expect to be filled! I have to ingest God's Word to survive; not just do the work for it to be advanced.

That's another thing: I NEED GOD TO SURVIVE. Spending time with Him and reading His Word is absolutely NOT an option! I will DIE without it. And just like you cannot eat a lot in one day and expect to go the next two days without food, I cannot spend a lot of time with God one day and expect that to carry me through the next two days. I NEED Him EVERYday.

I need to be content with God alone, exclusive of everything else.
I need the thought of me being recognized and praised to be as pointless and foolish a thought as me going to a college party, where God is not glorified.
I need to go to God everyday because when I am with Him, everything is put into perspective.

Let it be so.
12:59 AM

Summertime Growth

God has been tearing up my summer. Since I did not plan to do any summer programs this summer, I expected to chill out and relax. I expected to not really be challenged this summer; once the academic stress was removed, I expected paradise. But God was not letting me chill out sprititually AT ALL. I am definitely noticeably different in my walk with God now than I was when I entered the summer. Oh snap, a lot of things did happen this summer now that I think about it. God has been so good and so faithful even though there are times when I despair about my walk with God.

At Basileia, the major thing on my mind was my frustration about my feelings for Stephen and whether or not I should talk to him about it. Fear gripped me so much, and from May and through June and the beginning of July, I wrestled and struggled so much! But when I finally submitted myself to obedience to the Father, it really DID NOT turn out to be so bad -__-. SO God was really talking to me about fear this summer. Matter of fact, it was what Russell talked about at Saturday Service (Russell is a dude from Trinidad who's up here for 5 weeks. Think he's a friend of Pastor Richie's). I think that one of the reasons God is attacking it so hard is because He wants to do something through me. That thought came to me after a Hillsong service where I was calling out to God that I don't want to be afraid anymore. Soon after I thought that, I met someone who said something similar. God cannot use me if I crippled and paralyzed by fear. He will get all the glory for taking it out of me because in my own strength, I cannot rid myself of fear. Praise Yahweh.

God has also been delivering from a stagnant church. Oh man, I spent my summer going to Bronx Bethany Saturday and Sunday services and I have been so filled and taught so much. Hallelujah! I want to make BBCN my home church. I cannot bring myself to go back to Grace, not even to say bye. I dont want to sacrifice a Sunday of worship or fellowship! So I am going to write a letter to Pastor and cards to a few people in the congregation. Don't think they will be well-received at all, but I am going where God is, and He is at Bronx Bethany. I truly appreciate the chrachter of Pastor Sam. He is not discipling people to keep them at Bronx Bethany; he is discipling God' people to send them out! He is all for God's will and not his own. He denies his self-interest and pursues the interest of God. At Grace, I feel choked. We do not live up to our name; there is not an attiude of grace there. And I do not want to over-generalize the congregation, but among the leadership, I feel like their love for me is dependent on my membership there or my prospective membership there. And that is not Christ's love. Christ's love is Go where you will grow. Christ's love is Go where you meet God. When I was baptized, matter of fact, when I accepted Christ, I became a member of the Body of Christ. Not the body of GBC. This summer, I resolved to do what's in the interest of my spiritual growth, instead of the "proper" thing (which looks like staying because I was "raised" there and because people have helped me financially). I thank You Lord for courage to love and obey You above men and mother (;-p).

In the past few weeks, I've grown in adoration of my Bronx Bethany brothers. Chris's humility, Dennis' passion, Curtis servitude, Sidney's knowledge. I appreciate that God has shown me other single men of Christ besides Stephen. Not for me to have options, but for me to see that men of God are not few in number. If there is one, there are others. I am so deeply encouraged by their passion and love for God. It causes me to check myself and I realize that I truly slacking in my walk and I am not as G as I think I am.

Which is another thing about this summer. In the past few days, God has been exposing a bigot, arrogant attitude that is present in me. I don't really believe that I am disgusting, filthy, evil. There is a part of me that feels entitled to what God has given me. There is also part of me that wants to give credit to myself for where I am with God. As though I am so wise because of who I am and the knowledge came effortlessly because I am Janell. I AM IN DANGER! God, deliever me from this mindset please. Because the dichotomy is disgusting; God take all of me, You get all the glory, except I want some glory for myself. I think the gas is getting to my head. I am taking pride in the fact that I am a "good" Christian, defined as someone who pursues and seeks God. And that definition is sketch, because we couldn't pursue God if He did not pursue us. I am the servant who has been forgiven little (Luke 7:36-47). I have the testimony of being kept (as Sidney K. put it), but instead of turning that into praise and thanksgiving, it is becoming self-righteosness and self-glory, and straight up ignorance. 2 Peter 1:5-9 says,

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

Instead of being of those who are good, knowledgeable, self-controlling, perseverant, godly, brotherly loving, and loving, I am of those who have forgotten that they have been cleansed from past sins. I have so much pride, and that will surely cause me to fall! And you know, it's my flesh. And this flesh is not dying because I am not killing it by making the effort to add to my faith. The dichotomy between flesh and spirit will always be there, it will not change. So I have to make the effort to keep it in submission. Dead. Everyday. And I was mistaken, because I always said that the Holy Spirit has to do it in me because I can't do it. But I took that to mean that I don't have to do anything thing, because the Spirit will do it. I just have to be available, which looks like waiting around and "being open." But there is so much ambiguity to those words! I have to "make every effort!" There is work that I gotta do too. And the work is not to try to make myself able or qualified. My work is to focus on God and on trying to be holy. Where I end, He begins. Though that still sounds confusing, because in trying to be holy, aren't I trying to make myself able or qualified?

Lord, help me to understand, because I'm still trying to get the work that I am supposed to do. I cannot do things in my own strength, but I also cannot sit around expecting You to do something without my effort. Help me to know what it means to make the effort in Your strength. I also ask that You would help me to not take pride in myself or in my walk with You. Would You help me to be humble, that I would not take pride in my humility or even claim it? Would You Lord, give me the sincere desire for all the glory to go directly to You? ALL of it? I pray that I would not have the desire to be in the spolight, to be recognized, to receive compliments. And that when I am in the spotlight, am recognized, and do receive compliments, please may I deflect all the credit and glory straight up to You. Praise Yahweh, You are worthy of the glory and the credit! Help me to truly accept and believe that. And may I desire for Your Name to be glorifired. Not just in my head Lord, but in my heart. In the Name of Christ I pray, Let It Be So.

So yup, this is just a little of what God is doing in my heart and in my life. As difficult as following Him is at times, I am glad to be a Christian. And I am excited to reflect in the future on how much further He has brought me. Glory to God!

-janell
4:45 pm

God of Transformation

God is so AWESOME.

This post is just one of thanksgiving. God has been breaking down things in me and refining me. And my satisfaction, increasingly, is in Him. The song I will Exalt You by Hillsong is becoming a greater reality. God is shaping my faith and redirecting my steps so that He is my refuge and my hiding place... my treasure. And this going back to God is different from than in the chapel days. In the chapel days, I did not have a desire to go back into the world. But now, I understand that I am to go back out, that I am to be a light in the darkness. My quiet place is to be a time of rejuvenation for the purpose of going back out into the world. In '09, I had a burning desire for others to know Christ, yet I did not know how to take what God had given me and share it with others. When I was going to all the different churches during my senior year of high school, I wasn't going with the mentality of How do I take what God has taught me here and blessed me with back home so that I can be a representative of Christ at 100 Alcott? I treated church as an escape rather than as a refilling of oil in my lamp to be a light at home. I was not even thinking like that. I just wanted to get away and church and the chapel were just that.

And you know, maybe I needed to be at that stage for a while. For God was training me and teaching me as I hopped from church to church. Teaching me so much -- I will never fully know why I had to go through the experiences that I went through or why I had to learn things the way that I did. But God in His wisdom just... did it all. I was thinking the other day of how much God has to transform in me but then it hit me... He has already transformed me. The person that I was when I accepted Christ for real at the altar that Sunday in November 2006, is sooooo different than the person I am now! I am bolder, I am more enthusiastic, I am more passionate, I understand my faith and Christ's relevancy and character on a much greater level (I did not fully grasp much of that stuff when I was starting out), I love God more and God has deepened my understanding of what it means for Him to love me. And YES, I have a much MUCH longer way to go. But God has brought me far already. This is significant and noticeable change from Janell 2006/2007 to Janell 2011. All the work of God. Hallelujah. Thank You God for being a transforming God, not one who is content with me as I am but who wants to change be for the better. For the honor and glory of Your Name. Show me what that means Lord. And may I be on board with bringing glory to Your Name and not my own. Hallelujah!

Thank You Jesus. You are truly great and wonderful. Thank You SO MUCH for loving me! You are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known. Thank You for being constant and perfect in character. Thank You for being reliable and true to Your word. Thank You that I lack nothing in You! Thank You that though so many things will fall away, YOU remain, and that is enough. Hallelujah, Lord You are too good! Blessed be the Name of the Lord! May You be lifted up in every season of life, exalted no matter what. Though I waver, You remain the same and You are always worthy of worship. Thank You Lord! How great is my God!

AMEN.

God is the Most Organized Being EVER

So!

Ever feel like you had a failed witness moment?

Well, I wonder if there even is such a thing. God is so cool that He even uses our blunders.

Anyway! What is this journal entry about?

The CRAZY AWESOME ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS OF MY GOD!!!

Well, that and His cool wisdom and amazing planning abilities.

Between 2 and 3 months ago, I got a letter calling me to do my duty as a citizen and serve as a juror.

Yaaaaay.

But I decided not to run away from it. I filled out the letter withing the week that I got it (Mom was so vex, it was annoying). I decided to do as I've heard the Bible says, which is "obey the laws of the land" and the law says that citizens have to serve as jurors (Ah ha! Romans 13:1-7 and 1 Peter 2:13-17 -- obey them laws!).

So this week (yesterday actually) I began my day as a juror. So really, after the orientation, you just sit in the room and wait for them to call you. It's quite boring. I took the 5 train there and ended up getting off a stop early (3 Av-149 St) by accident. As I took the long walk to the courthouse, I met a man who was homeless sitting in a lil' bench area. His name was James. I gave him a bag of chips (Cheetos I pretty sure) and some information on the Bowery. I asked him if he'd heard about the Bowery and he said yeah. He was asking if they help you get an apartment and I was telling him that they provide him with food and a place to sleep, job training, and they help you find a job. I went into the whole 6 month detail and stuff. I think I was trying to be politically correct/not insulting, so I ended up rambling a little bit. But it was all good. I asked him if he had any prayer requests and he said for an apartment. Then I asked if I could pray with him and he was like "How long is this gonna take?" Lol, I said "Not long." And we prayed and I left him.

I am grateful to God for that opportunity and that I had something to give to him, even though he was not asking for anything. And God blessed me, because I was late to jury duty by like 40 minutes (I was supposed to be there by 9) and they closed the doors about 5-10 minutes after I arrived. Haaaaalellujah.

I was called along with 19 other people and put aside as a prospective juror for what they call summary trials, also known as 1 day trials. Basically, trials they try to get done in one day. So I got out early yesterday. Today, I was not selected, or even interviewed to do the trial, but they were done with me for jury duty so I got my proof of service and was out. $80 for two days, or as Nicky put it, "for being obedient."

Anyway, I am rambling. How does this relate to God being organized? Well, today, I went looking for James on my way back from jury duty. I had peaches to give him, but he was not there. Anyway, God did not let my extra steps go to waste (because it was indeed a walk). When I got to the 3-Av-149 St, there was a crew of people around available for prayer. I get encouraged whenever I meet people like that. Anyway, the guy I prayed with was Randy. I asked him to pray that I would trust God more than my fear. He gave me this awesome booklet that presents the gospel similar to the way that the circle diagram does but with colors, it's really cool. With the booklet, I got a bracelet with colored beads representing each color. Real dope stuff.

Anyway, after I parted, I went downstairs to swipe through the turnstile, just missing the train, wasn't rushin' it though. I ended up siting next to a woman. I was reading through the booklet and God was nudging me to give it to her. I saw her wiping her leg with an alcohol swab and asked her if she fell and she said no, it was a mosquito bite. I went back to reading the pamphlet and gave it to her when I finished. She was reading it so intently! And I was praying that the seed would fall on good soil, that birds would not snatch it up, not thorns choke it or the Satan take hold of it. It was a beautiful thing.

Anyway, she commented that the booklet really beautiful. I gave her the bracelet and explained it. She asked me if I go to church in the Bronx and I explained that I did. Also said that they had a Spanish speaking service. I was about to pull out a pen, but she had to get off! And I was sooo tight later on because it dawned on me that I should have gotten off with her to write it down for her!!!!! I wasn't in a rush to go anywhere. This is where I felt like I failed as a witness >.< And I didn't but man! She asked me what street my church was on and I was like "227th Street, Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene, 227th." Man, I hope she remembers/I get to see her somehow again. She was so interested! She said she reads the Bible and stuff too.

I need to pray for her and trust that God is tending the soil. It's so hard for me to not be like, I failed! I should have gotten off the train! but this is something that I need to trust God with and give over to Him completely. I guess part of me just wishes that I could see her again and hear her testimony. In my head I was like, I said 227th street, but there's maaaad churches on 227th street. Oh yeah, I need to let this go.

?

So how does aaaaalllll this translate to the organized/incredibly planning of my God? From meeting James, to looking for him the next day, not finding him but God blessing me with prayer and a gospel tract on my journey and giving me the opportunity to give it to a woman who was fed and most definitely blessed... and this is all 'cause of the jury duty that I was called to do 2-3 months ago.... how awesome is God! Not saying that all this was predestined, because God does not need me to do anything. He could have used another, or met James and the other woman through another means. God would have done that. But He chose to use me with each of them. Thank You Lord for the boldness and lack of fear. And thank You for doing it step by step. God equipped and prepared with the tract to give to the woman. And now I have to lean on Him to do the rest. How wise and prepared You are God! This chain of events just awed me. I was saying "Wow" over and over again after she got off the train.

Lord Jesus, I thank You for being such an organized and careful God! And I thank You for having Your light shine through me through interactions that I've had with people these past two days. And I thank You for being with me through it all! Thank You Spirit for being gentle with me and for bettering my understanding of You. Thank You for the $80 for being obedient and that jury duty is over. Lord, even though I wanted to have a chill summer without much challenge, I thank You for saying no to that and challenging me anyway. Blessed be Your Name Lord God. In the Holy and Powerful Name of Jesus I pray with gratitude, Amen.

10:27 PM

♪ I-Need-To-Learn-How-To-Loooove ♪

*Note - The title is to be sung to the hook of the song "Find Me Somebody To Love" by Queen.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
Thomas Merton

I re-learned today that I don't love people. And I do not allow them to love me. I do not allow people (not everyone anyway) to be totally themselves when they are around me, and I am not totally myself when I am with other people.

I am overly concerned with how I seem to other people. I want to be liked by all. When I reach a certain level of comfortability and security with a person, I begin to lax a bit and a different "me" emerges. A rough, stubborn, sour-faced Janell. Yet, should those things be hidden? And if so, why don't I hide it from those who know me best (humph... maybe because they know me best...)? Better question, why do those closest see the worst side? Not even a less put together version of the outer me, but a different person all-together?

What's the next step? Bring the Nelly on the outside, inside or bring the Nelly inside, outside? Nah. The next step is to redefine-- nope, not redefine-- seek my identity in Christ. To pray that He would transform my heart so that there would be visible changes in my attitude-- a transformation from the inside, out. And the visible change is not for my own praise and need to draw people to me. This visible change is necessary so that people, in my family, among my close friends, and on the outside, can experience Christ's love through me in a more genuine and consistent way. Authenticity and consistency (such an important word!) are only possible by the Spirit; these things I cannot accomplish in my own strength.

By the Spirit meaning that He does a transforming work in me, transformation of my heart and transformation of my character so that the things that appear on the outside are a direct reflection of what's going on inside and so that it also does not feel like I'm putting up a front. It's all natural because it's who I am: Christ.

Lord, please do it. Please teach me how to love and please teach me what it means have my identity in You Lord. Hallelujah. Amen.