Jeremy

lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:

1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.

And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.

These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!

So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.

Do Your thing God, do Your thing.

~Nelly


And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.

~Insignia

Church and PPD

So, where do I even begin.

Let's talk about church.

I can't stand it! >.<

And I don't mean church in general. I mean my own church. Like, today was the first time I've stayed back for church in a long time (I had to leave early every Sunday for 5 months because of play practice). And I cried after church today because I miss the cast so much! The PPD (Post-Play Depression) is killing me! >.< And church is only increasing the sadness. There is no life! Sometimes I feel as though I'm at a funeral. I'm the loudest one and I am so enthusiastic, but it is discouraging when that enthusiasm is not seen by anyone else in my church family.

Yesterday my day was filled with singing. I sang all day. Gospel For Teens from 11-1. There was Gospel Choir from 10-4 and I came around 2:15. Then at 7:30 was Misfits Youth Service and we sang in the beginning and sang for like an hour in the end. Then we went to AppleBees (and I didn't eat but it was fun xD). Anyway all the music we sang was about God. So this morning, I was in quite a good mood because I felt so full. I didn't even leave the house angry! So then I go to church. And I leave miserable and I'm like "When did that happen? I'm supposed to leave church happy and filled!" And I just lost my filling. I think it might be because I focus so much on how much the church has to change and the fact that I do not get much from it that it just depresses me. I was so anxious for the sermon to be over today! That does not happen. Aigh geez. God, help me. Change me. Help me to look at this from a godly perspective and to endure these last few months before I go to college. Aigh geez.

Thank You Jesus

Take My Life, Use It Up.
Spread It Thin, Like A Blanket Of Love
Over The World That You Gave Your Blood For.
Take My Life.
Take It All Lord.
- Warren Barfield

Lord,
I want to desire You.
You and You alone.
You alone satisfy,
You alone love perfectly.

You are so beautiful;
Thank You for who You are.
Yahweh;
Thank You for who You are.


Jesus, I have a genuine desire to desire You ABOVE all things. I want to just soak up Your love and lay in Your presence. Is that what Heaven is like? I can't get enough of You God, yet at the same time, I am presently unable to make time for You. There is something wrong with that picture. Seriously wrong. May that not be so, God. God, I want to get to the place where I am not phased by the unimportant things of this world because You live so richly and so deeply in me. This is my prayer Lord! That I never get sick of You, ever. That I won't intentionally spit in Your Face again like I did some 2,010 years ago. Forgive me Lord of the sins I have committed in the past and the ones of the future. I thank You that You are so good that as soon as I ask for Your forgiveness, You forget I ever even sinned. God, You are so good! And You do not have to be. Thank You. Thank You Jesus, thank You.

For Thought

A female's heart should be so lost in Christ that a male has to seek Him in order to find her.

Boy troubles... what's new?

So, I did all my homework from like, 12-2:30 this morning so that I could spend more time with God in the Chapel 2nd period, but I forgot that confession is going on all this week! So, I'm going to blog instead.

Jesus, I spoke to You yesterday and it felt so good being able to empty myself to you. I haven't done that in weeks! And talking to You and expressing myself to You most definitely makes a difference. I thank You for the privilege. Anyway, although I spoke to You about this same issue yesterday, I've got to go to You about it again today God, because I am so weak -_-.

I can't stop liking this guy! >.<

And it's annoying the heck out of me! I wish I could just stop liking guys. Or at least stop liking guys who are temporarily or permanently* off the market. It's just a pain! But it's also the thorn in my side that is causing me to remain ever-dependent on You. In this stage of my life anyway. And you know, though a thorn is a thorn, I very well could have a whole porcupine stuck in my side. (lol! Christian analogies are the best xD). Like, it's better that I have this issue than a worse one. This is still hard, but it could very well be worse. But this is still hard.

And you know, the other day, You revealed the Godly way of looking at it. There are people in other countries who would love to think about a person they like or who would love to pursue someone. But they can't because they have to worry about what they'll have to eat, a disease they have or might easily catch, or if they'll even live to see tomorrow. They'd much rather have my issues. I am truly blessed.

So God, help me to hold on to You! And take courage in and strength from You! And I guarantee I'm gonna come back to You tomorrow crying about the same thing. But I thank You that You are there to listen whenever I need You. WHENEVER I need You! You are absolutely amazing. And people say You do not exist because You cannot be seen or because you cannot be proved by science or that Man is cool beans, not God. But how much greater is it to have an invisible God who is there 25/8, whenever you need a friend, whenever you need help, guaranteed, even when you wake up from a nightmare, than a physical, visible, tangible God who would only be available some of the time? Whose attention would be divided among the 6 billion people in this world? With God, we don't have to wait on line, or sign our names on a waiting list. He is available all day, everyday, for the rest of our lives...HALLELUJAH! Praise God! A-men! Thank You God that I am a Christian.

*permanently off the market means a guy is either:
Married
Dating a friend
Has dated a friend

Much love everybody!
~ Nelly Asakura

LOL! I am Hillarious! xD

So I just HAD to do another post. I was just skimming the "S'more Boy Talk" post and I am hilarious! D. is so not my type. He's cool and all, but I find him quite annoying and clingy. And he's a thinker. And that's good, you know, to explore different philosophies and stuff. But you have to grounded in something. Like, I speculate with philosophies to relate to someone or just to explore different ideas. But, that philosophy is not the master/director of my life. God is. And I have to stay grounded in Him. Or else my whole life will be directed by "philosophies." There is no way to fully explain the depth and complexity of life, so all you can do is hand your life over to the person who created it. Bam.

And when I say philosophy, I mean a man-made theory about life, it's meaning, and the other things we experience in life (love, hope, people, etc.). And there is some validity in some philosophies, but the people I've met take things to another level. Man's mind is too limited to sum up the world. Lean on the understanding of the Person who made the world.

Yeah, so D. is not my kind of guy. And I haven't met anyone who has been. Not yet. Maybe college. Maybe not. But God KNOWS what He's doing and I won't settle for less than what God has for me. 'Cause I am a Queen who is looking -pause- waiting, for a King. And when he does come, man, it will be great. But right now, my desire is God and God alone. Lord, help me to desire You and You alone. A-men.

God is SO good!!!

God is so good! I just had the sudden urge to blog about His goodness. Man!

So yesterday was opening night for Crazy For You. The reception was AMAZING. People loved it! More than I thought they would, it was great to get that feedback and feel that love. And it was great to see people. I saw Destiny and her mom, Geralda and Jaleesa!, Derrick was there (and I love him 'cause he took off a whole week of school to come see the show! >.<). I saw Janice and Tom and Sly from I-Lead. It was so great. So great. Thank you Jesus so much. THANK YOU!

But God's goodness does not stop there. So, I've been crushing really hard on this dude lately. REALLY hard. Like, it's SO irrational! Like, his whole presence just sends shivers up my spine xD. So I knew he had a girlfriend and I know he's the ex of a close friend of mine, but the irrational feelings remained. But they started to fizzle quite quickly when I actually saw him with his girlfriend. And usually, I'd be a little sad for a few days since I crush so hard. But I'm not! I'm so not! Now it's just like, "God, I know you'll give me a guy who I'll like that much and who will have no conditions on him that will prevent me from being with him." Like, I'm not worried about it. God is showing me that there is a SEA of other people out there; it's impossible for me not to meet anyone else. My choice of eligible Bachelor's is not limited to Cardinal Spellman High School xD. Thank you God! <3

I hope you find some encouragement in this. God bless!