Forgiveness, Forgiveness

About thirty minutes ago, I did something really crazy.

I told DeShana and Jeremy that I forgive them.

I can't believe I did it. I can't believe it. God is crazy. And do you know how? Here's how.

So this past weekend, Saturday actually, I was at Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene for their youth service. I go there weekly. So the message was about intentionally representing the intentional love the God has for us. I have no clue what Shane(the preacher) said that triggered this thought in my mind, but all of a sudden, I felt like I was supposed to talk to DeShana and Jeremy. I don't know if it's 'cause he said we have to radical with our evangelism or 'cause he said that we should be moving with urgency if we know that the world will end and unsaved souls will perish. I don't know, but I just felt like I needed to talk to them. I needed to end the silence. I was miserable the rest of that weekend. It was eating at me. I didn't know if it was practical for me to talk to them, if any good would come out of it or if just overstepping the Christian boundary. Ionno. I asked God to give me until Thursday, that Monday was too soon to talk to them. I was fretting so much. Too much over this. And then Sunday evening I was like "You know what God? I'm just gonna trust you and not worry so much." So then I was whatever about it. But was crazy how many times I saw him yesterday.. Like, made close contact with him. 1) When I walked into school he was the first person I saw. 2) I sat behind the both of them in the assembly we had yesterday concerning Judge Sonia Sotomayor (she's a graduate from our school). 3) We walked close to each other after leaving math class (our classes are in the same hallway. 4) He had gym that day and I was coming from music class. He was with my buddy Julian, who poked me, but I totally ignored Jeremy. Four times. And you know, I couldn't keep on doing that. Ignoring them. I have a whole nother year with them in the same clubs, play and gospel choir. And in play, you have to cooperate and you around each other about 10 hours a week. Ignoring people is exhausting and it's not Christian. So yesterday in bible study, I just felt--no, not felt. I know now that God was telling me to do this. The preacher (Rev. Davis) didn't say anything in particular that made me feel way; I just heard God. I decided then that I was going to talk to them. I was gonna do it the next day I wasn't gonna question it anymore. I just didn't know how I was gonna go about saying anything.

So today, I figured I was gonna talk to them. Well, half-figured. I had to do my Spanish dialogue for my Regents in the morning (I got a 23/24! YES!!!) Then there was band practice after school. I didn't know where I was gonna find the time to talk to them 'cause I wanted ample time. So coming out of band about to leave, I remember that their lockers are in the hallway I have to pass through in order to leave through the front entrance. I could have gone through another exit, but I didn't want to be a coward. Like, not walk down the hallway I want to walk down because there are people there I do not like. When there's a pretty good chance they're not even there? That would be defeating myself. But I said to God, "If they're there, I will talk to them."

---8/3/09---
Yeah, let me finish this story before I regret it

So, I walk down the steps and peep to the side to see if they're there. The hallway is clear, so you know I'm overjoyed. So I'm standing near the end of the hallway, looking at this display of Sonia Sotomayor and I see Jasmine so we're just talking and stuff. So we're walking down the hallway to leave and at the end of the hallway, guess who I see? J & D. So I'm feeling "Damn it! Damn it God!" But in my head I'm like "Okay gotta hold up my end of the bargain." So I part with Jasmine and walk up to them and say, "DeShana, can I talk to you?" So, we walk into the staircase that's on the first floor high side right next to the guidance office. So I tell her that I forgive her and all that good stuff and explain the song "Pictures of the Past" by Warren to her and how it says "Love doesn't keep a record of wrongs, it lets go, it moves on..stop painting pictures of the past." I think I told her I still love you guys. Something like that. And I apologized for ignoring them and she was all like "Don't apologize" and she said that she thought that I wasn't going to talk to her until the day before my graduation so that I wouldn't leave this school with any baggage behind. Yeah, she said she was sorry, and everything was pretty matter-of-fact. So, yeah. Then it was his turn.

DUNT DUNT DUNT.

So talking to him was so easy, and that's scary. He spoke first. He was ranting about Tiana touched him and he got this weird infection looking thing. He showed it to me. It was like, all bubbly-like. Then he said he put Purell on it and I was like "You idiot, you put sanitizer on it?" And then he told me to shut up and yada. He touched my necklace to read what it said (it was the faith one) and I was like we got it when we went to sing for the pope but, o wait, you didn't sing with us and he was either like "ouch" or "oh, thanks" and ARGH! I hate the fact that it was so easy to talk to him. It was like we were friends again. I HATE that. We were talking about anything for a good 3 minutes. With D, it was straight to the point. After a while, I was like "ANYWAY, I just want to tell you that I forgive you and I'm sorry for ignoring you." And he was all like "It's okay" and in my head I'm like I should be telling you that it's okay; you should be apologizing to me. But whatever. So yeah. I guess I was freed in that moment.

So, Saturday comes and the message is on forgiveness. So, my conscience is all free 'cause I told these people "I forgive you." But Lion King (that's what me, my sis, and my friend Terri-Ann call the preacher) gives this crazy message that had me sobbing:

Forgiveness is restoring the person who hurt us back to the position they were in before they did the act.
The world tells us to keep our guard up, put up a barrier, but God tells us to leave ourselves as open as we were before. Just as vulnerable to get hurt again.
How can we do this? We don't trust that the person will not hurt us again. We're trusting God; His grace is sufficient.
The ministry of forgiveness, of reconciliation, is a non-negotiable aspect of the Christian life.

I was so upset after hearing this message. I went home and threw a tantrum and I was crying all over the place "WHY DO I HAVE TO FORGIVE THEM? THEY HURT ME!!!!" Do you know how many days I spent in the chapel sobbing? For days straight. Worst pain I've ever felt ever. And I have to treat them like my friends again? As if they didn't hurt me? No flippin' way!

But this message was God speaking directly to me. Like, there's no way He wasn't. Two days after I tell them I forgive them and I get this message? Lion King made good points. When God forgives us, He restores us right back to the place where we were. It's not like we start out on top and then fall to a lower and lower level everytime we sin. When we ask for forgiveness, God puts us right back to where we were before we sinned. I have to be like that. And it may seem impossible, but I have to do it.

And you know, really, forgiveness is a gift from God. Like, when you forgive someone, not only does Jesus shine through you/not only do you embody Christ, but you also lose your bitterness. Like, I would have gone around ignoring them remaining hurt by their actions while they were off in their lovey-dovey world holding hands and making out and not caring about how I was feeling. So by doing what God's says, I'm really doing myself a favor. More to follow in next post.