Evan. Training/Circle Diagram

In about an hour and a half, Evangelism Training begins.

I'm okay.

Jesus taught my heart today that it's all about Jesus.

My incapabilities, my insecurities, will not stop God from doing what He's gonna do because it's all about Him. Hallelujah.

So I'm practicing this circle diagram. And I still don't feel ready. But I'm not bugging out. Father, please speak. Like, I really expect/know You are going to speak because these are Your children that You are equipping and teaching. You will not let them hear a false gospel. So speak Lord. Take over my nerves/anxiousness while I speak/leading up to the gospel presentation. There is power in Your Name and in the gospel! So affect and infect Dickinson small group with its truth. I am just Your vessel Lord. Wear me like a suit Jesus. Holy Spirit, do all the talking.

_______________________________________

We live in a broken world. There are big issues: homelessness, poverty, lack of water, economic injustice, sex trafficking, global warming, natural disasters, slavery, you name it. We look at these problems and we recognize them as wrong and we desire something better. If we have hunger, that suggests the existence of food. If we thirst, that suggests the existence of drink. The longing that we as people for a fixed world suggests that that either existed or will exist.

Christians believe that the world was at one point perfect. We were in right standing with God and with each other. We had each other's best interests at heart; our relationship with God, with each other, and with the world was whole. Everything was in harmony!

But we became selfish. We decided to place the focus on our own desires and our own interests, damaging our relationship with God and with each other. Sin, anything that hurts our relationship with God, was the curse that entered this world because of our selfishness.

So our world, which was designed for good, became damaged by evil.

However!

God in His love did not want us to stay in this state of brokenness. He sent Jesus, who was fully human and fully God, to come and restore the world. The cool thing about Jesus is that even though He was fully human, He did not have the curse of sin that humanity has. And so He was the perfect person to rectify our relationship with God. Even though He did not sin, He owned up to our sin and the price that we should have paid for it-- death. He died on a cross, and with Him dying He took all the crap with Him. He rose from the dead three days later, giving us freedom and hope. He offers forgiveness for our sin so that we don't have to be governed by the brokenness that is in the world. He gives us the opportunity to be restored to our relationship with God. So the world was restored for better.

What awesome though, is that it doesn't even end there! Jesus has sent us into the to heal! To bring the kingdom of God on earth. We cannot do this without Him, because we are still broken and sinful. We need God's healing and restoration for our own lives before we can be sent together to heal. And eventually, this world will be as it was, and there will not be any more evil and pain.

____________________________________________

Circle Diagram for the most part. Be with me as You share Lord God! May the hearts of Dickinson small group be receptive and open. May there be clarity and may the Holy Spirit have His Way. In the Name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

6:10 pm

Beautiful Relation

Whoever that guy is supposed to be.... our relationship is going to be beautiful. Without the hype, the romanticism. Because of God, our relationship will be beautiful for what it is, not for what it's hyped up to be. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for transforming my eyes.

10:58 pm

Contentment in Christ=Freedom to Worship

Ah boy.

God is good yo. God is good.

I was hanging out with the Jer-man last night. Lately, I've been ancy and unsettled in my spirit because there is a lack of resolution between me and Garnett. On Sunday he said, "We may need to talk soon," and I said "Okay." So I was hoping that this conversation would signify the end of my wilderness. But Jer suggested that I might actually be on the verge of another breakthrough/level of distance/level of depth of understanding/growth. And so I am not out yet. Feels to easy though. Is that wrong to feel? I feel like I haven't felt enough pain yet to expect/ask for rain. But is it wrong to anticipate/expect pain in this way? Feels weird to think that way. I feel like it does not paint God in a right way. Dunno. Whatevs.

But I appreciate the clarity/some measure of understanding about what's been going on with me lately. Expedition was AWESOME. God was teaching me through Jonah 2 that I need to call out to Him when I am in distress, sacrifice with the voice of thanksgiving, and pay Him what I have vowed. He was renewing my spirit for sure. And then Monday came and midway through I crashed. Like, went down way low. I broke down with Kit before I led small group. It was not the best day. I am sick of fighting these insecure/low self-esteemish feelings when it comes to small group. And I keep having spiritual highs, then lows, emotional highs, than lows and it's icky man! But God is transforming my eyes and my heart. That kind of stuff don't come quick.

One thing I appreciate about Jer is that when I talk to him, he lets me talk and does not assume what I am going to say. And when he counsels me, he uses my own words, which in turn pieces discombobulated thoughts together. Lol. Thanks for not barking at me Jer! And thank you for keeping things real <3

So at the moment, I am really desiring contentment in Christ. Jon Chen and I are leading worship this Friday at large group and I'm really excited for it! We are expecting God to show up in a way that He has not before. We desire an atmosphere of worship. And Jer brought up a thought that what I'm going through has an effect on how I worship. And even though being expressive is how worship naturally, that is never fully realized when I am at IV because...I dunno, not the right atmosphere, environment? I don't know. Why is it that at BBCN I am so much freer and at IV I'm not? I think it's 'cause at BBCN I feel more one-ness with the people than I do I IV. At BB, you're gonna worship God no matter who is looking, no matter who's worshiping or not worshiping. At IV, we are conscious of others' beliefs, non-Christians who may be present, not being judged by others. But I want to worship! And I am going to worship. The Lord is shaping our identity so that we don't look to each other or the university community to determine how we do things, but to God alone. And worship is one of those things that should not be compromised for anything. It is all about God; exalting Him, being brought back to the understanding that we are called to worship Him, and reminding ourselves of what God did to save us from condemnation. Feelings of nervousness and concern about what others think should not infiltrate our worship AT ALL.

Yeah. Excited for tomorrow.

Trying to think of verses to share. What would You have me share Lord?

Anywayz.

Peace.

5:15 pm

Friends and Men

GRARH!

Oh-Em-GEE!

This ain't all that serious. But come on man!

So my friend is really pretty. She is really sweet and has an extremely killer voice. And that's great. But she's, like, milking up all the guys! You know that rule, that you can't date your friend's ex. So when your friend is dating all the guys you see potential in/find attractive, great for you! Every person I've been like Hmm, there's some chance there I have to write off in my mind because they are taken or have been taken by her. Agh!

And I laugh at this and say Really God? not in a depressing way but in a hah-hah-very-funny way. Oh the life of a single, Christian, little woman!

12:33

Oh sigh. I guess that it's a good thing though. Instead of seeing these guys as potential others, I'll be able to appreciate their community way more because I won't be thinking about what need he can fulfill or how we'll fit together. Will let You do Your thing, God. Will let You do Your thing.

My Name Means...

Janell - God is gracious (Hebrew)

Alicia - Noble, Exalted (Old German)

Salmon - Peace (Hebrew)

BLEH.

BLEH.

I feel BLEH.

I don't want to do anything school related. I was sitting in Anthropology and Philosophy today and I did not care at all about what was going on. I was so eager to get out. My heart does not burn for this stuff! And I'm like, how am I going to survive this semester with this level of disinterest! Seriously, flunking out does not seem all that impossible. Uuuugh, Jesus help me! Sustain me please! Because it is really hard to give glory and honor to You in this area. And this is the role You have given me in this time in my life! I am not playing my role at all.

REVELATION.

God is re-shaping the identity of our fellowship!!!!!!

So many of us on an individual level, are being shaped and refined by God in similar and perspective-altering ways. And it's interesting, because I know that at my life at the moment, God is moving me and shaping in the same direction as the fellowship. Meaning, as God is speaking to me about evangelism and the IV vision, He is speaking to the fellowship about it. It's weird, I'll explain it later. But our identity is being transformed so that we can carry out the vision He has given IV!

Talkin' with the Jer-man

Most times when I talk to Jer, God says something through him to transform my perspective. And it's always so much to process that I have trouble communicating what's been said.

Following our conversation, I have this feeling of... okay-ness. I will be okay. No doubt about that. I really will emerge fine from this. And God has to continue break down the pedestal that I have Garnett on.

Um...

I need to focus on God. Not on the course of our relationship or how God will re-build it. My concern is not to be What will that look like. My concern is Lord, how do I love other people? I have invested so much into one person, poured so much out into one person, that I have not been loving community or allowing them to love me. I prayed a few entries back, the 11th of October "Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please." And that is want my focus needs to be. Praying for the eyes and heart of God.

And I was just thinking, what about those verses that talk about God giving you the desires of your heart? Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." John 16:23 says "Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name." I desire Stephen. But then there's this verse in James that goes

You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:2b-3).

I need God's heart. How can I ask for anything with confidence that I will get it if I do not have His heart? Moreover, if He is not all to me, then I can't ask Him for anything. Garnett is still in a part of my heart where God needs to be. And I am excited for how God will redeem my heart for Him.

Lord, please help me to keep my focus on You. Give me Your heart, give me Your eyes. I pray for wisdom in abundance. And I pray that You would help me to love people as You love them. Would I look on all with grace in my eyes Lord? Hallelujah. Make me more like You Jesus. Would that be my sole desire? Please encourage me and strengthen me when I go into periods where I really miss Garnett. Would I take hold of the Spirit of Power, Love, and Self-discipline that You have already given me. Would I OWN it Lord! Your will be done Father.

Amen.

This entry does not represent well what I'm thinking/feeling. But praise God, that His transformation of me is not dependent on what/how much I remember, but on Him alone. He works it out, plants the wisdom into my heart, shapes and molds me. Thanks Lord.

5:56 pm

Hallelujah Jesus, I praise You Father. Beautiful Lord, You are perfect and good and beautiful. I thank You for Your great love for me. And I thank You for sustaining me. Please help me through the rest of my week. And even I sit in this room with these strangers, as uncourteous as they were, help me to love them Lord Jesus, Hallelujah. Oh man. I pray for them Lord. May they know Your AWESOME love. May they know Christ as Savior and Lord. Lead them to the cross Lord. You have the power to do it and You are mighty to save. Would You save? Hallelujah Lord Jesus. Lol, help me to be full of love and the grace of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Holy are You God.

Holy is Your Name.

With everything I've got,

My heart will sing,

How I love You.

2:56 AM

Prayer of Praise

Praise!

Praise the Father, Praise the Son, Praise the Spirit, the Great Three in One.

Thank You Father for what You are doing in my heart, in my life. I praise You in advance for the mighty things You will do through me to bring glory to Yourself. Hallelujah. Would I be so focused on praising You and on bringing glory to Your Name. Would that drive me. Would my thoughts be on You alone Father. I pray that today, I would be enamored with Christ's love for me and live in awareness of that love. ♪ Nothing else matters ♪ My one desire is to worship You. Hallelujah! Encourage me in the Spirit, give me joy in You oh Lord. Help me to praise You through the storm, to persevere under trial, to endure suffering, to be still and know that You are God. Praise Yahweh.

In the Name of Jesus the Son I pray,

AMEN.

3:25 am

Lack of Motivation meets Reluctance to Become a Woman. Yikes.

Apathy...

Is a mighty dangerous thing.

Yesterday and today, I've been feeling absent. Apathetic and unmotivated by the things of life. Small group leading feels like a chore. Schoolwork is just another thing to do. I am going through a life transformation. I'm thinking about Expedition, how I'm going to pay for it, how others are going to pay for it, and there are NomCom Interviews this Saturday. All this stuff moves me to say... I don't care anymore. Ugh.

Last night, I realized something. I can't call Stephen brother anymore. My calling him brother is a straight up denial of my feelings for him. And I have expressed, the reason why our relationship was so skewed was because I was using it to fill this need to have a protector, a fatherly/brotherly love and to fill this desire to have a boyfriend/husband. I was trying to have the best of both worlds.

But I can't have the best of both worlds. I am not a little girl anymore. The little Janell still wants an older brother, still wants a father to protect her, watch over, make sure no harm comes to her. But the growing woman desires a man to be with, to love and to be loved by, deeply and intimately. I was trying to force Garnett into the former role, that of older brother, especially since he sees me as a little sister. That helped justify his role as brother. But the fact is, I don't see him as strictly that. I like him, and I desire him in a deep way. Period. And I have to accept that. If I continue to deny it, I will never grow up. This little girl inside of me will continue to struggle to live. But my childhood is gone. I am a 19-year-old woman, not a 19-year-old child. And I'm by no means grown, but I am definitely not a little girl anymore.

It kinda sucks. Being fathered looks a lot different for me now. And I will never get it in the way that I have always desired. But praise God! He will restore my brokenness. And I am glad that I am going through this, so that my daughters do not have to. Lord, would You bless them with a father that will love them in the way that You have called men to love their daughters.

And would You help me step into my womanhood? Would You help me to give this need, this desire for a father, to You? Would You fill this need Father? I don't want to search anymore. I want to be satisfied with You God in this capacity. Hallelujah. What does it look like to be fathered by my physical dad as a woman Jesus? Would You help me? Would You heal the pain that I have? Would You fill the gaps and holes in my heart where I wish my dad was? And with this desire for a husband, help me not to run away from it. Help me to embrace it, and step into the woman that You are molding me into.

Aaaahhhhhh.

Amen.

I miss my brother.

But I don't know what kind of miss.

Like,

I said to myself today that I really love him. But in what way?

In Anthropology today, we talked about limitations of language. And in the English language, the word love has so many different meanings. How do I differentiate between my love for tamarind balls and my love for my friend? We use the same word in each situation to describe our deep affection, that's crazy!

So even with Garnett, I can't figure it out. In what way do I love him? Is it still in an idolizing way? Am I ignoring his faultiness or choosing to look past them? Because if the former, I do not love him, I'm just keeping him on a pedestal, a pedestal that undermines the fact that he is human and flawed. If the latter, then my love runs deeper than what I see on the outside.

What does it look like to love someone for who they are? Love their true identity? If Christ is your base and the One you root yourself in, that is where your identity lies. That is who I am. I am who I am in Christ Jesus alone. How do I love someone for who he is in Christ alone? For who she is in Christ alone? How do I love past the mistakes, past the lack, past the inabilities, past the heritage, skin color, dread locks, physical attraction, differences, similarities? I don't want my love to depend on external characteristics, but the heavenly quality of being a son of God. That's why I want to love Garnett.

Lord, I pray for help. Because it's also difficult for me to comprehend how I can love this guy without my romantic feelings getting in the way/being a distraction. How can my romantic feelings be reconciled with genuinely loving him when his feelings for me are not reciprocated? The line is so muddy and I don't understand. But You know and I pray that You will teach me. And in teaching me through this experience Lord, I pray that You would teach me how to love other people. Past every great characteristic and past every flaw. Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please.

Praise Yahweh, Amen.

4:50 pm.

I am not defined by my mistakes.

I am not defined by my lack of.

I am not defined by other's perceptions of me.

I am not defined by how I think others perceive me.

I am not defined by how much I mean to someone.

I am not defined by that facial expression flashed my way when I do something he or she disagrees with.

I am not defined by what I haven't done.

I am not defined by my successes.

I am not defined by what I am able to do.

I am not defined by whether or not a guy will like me.

I am not defined by how well I can answer a question in class.

I am not defined by how impressed people are about my intelligence.

I am not defined by how impressed people are by my level of maturity in my walk with God.

I am not defined by how well/whether or not I can relate to people.

I am not defined by how many pop culture references I know.

I am not defined by how many friends I have on Facebook.

I am not defined by how well I can harmonize.

I am not defined by the person I am at home.

I am not defined by the person I am outside.

I am not defined by my natural hair.

I am not defined by my big eyes.

I am not defined by my black skin.

I am not defined by my neediness.

I am not defined by my past examples of my lack of trust in God.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see myself the way God sees me.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see my life the way God sees it.

I am not defined by the fact that I have trouble recognizing the gifts that God has given me.

I am not defined by the fact that I am in real need of material help in this college dorm.

These things do not define me.

No

No

No

No

No

No

No.

No Janell. Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies. Jesus loves you so much.

And He died,

So that you could be defined

By what He did for you.

He died,

So that your identity

Would be in Him alone.

Him.

Jesus the Christ.

Jesus the Messiah, the Risen Son of God.

Your worth

Is not based on things that fluctuate

Pass away

Are surface.

Your worth goes far, FAR deeper. Janell, deeply loved you are. Deeply valued, you are. Your value is not determined by whether or not someone responds to your text message.

THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE LOVES ME!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! >:'O

I am defined by You Lord!!!!!! YOU give me my identity.

I pray for satisfaction in You.

I pray for satisfaction in who I am in You.

I pray for a constant awareness of Your high, long, deep, wide love (Ephesians 3:18).

I pray that I would love You back Lord.

I pray that You would be everything to me Jesus.

Please Lord. Be everything to me.

Lord,

I hurt.

I miss my brother. But for what? What do I miss? Everything was so skewed anyway. And can we ever be friends again anyway? I desire him in a much deeper way than that and I don't know how I can have that desire and not revert back to the way things were when I was hanging out with him all the time. I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have for an older brother/father figure (this thought came to me the other day; maybe I did not seek a person to fill the father role because I already had one but since the emotional presence was not there, I desired the older brother because I thought that was from where the emotion-ness would come) and I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have to intimately be with someone. How unhealthy that was. I am so glad to be out of it before it got worse, and there has been a joy that comes from freedom since I parted with him (it is creepy how much of an awesome week I had... seemingly too good to be true) but at the same time I miss him. And that missing, I fear, is turning/going to turn into a annooying/painstaking feeling of "I want to BE with somebody!!!!" Huh. New thought. That desire to be with someone will only grow. It was subdued for a while because I had my relationship with Garnett filling in. But he's not here anymore. And this is going to be lonely. I wonder if it's the same for him. I was wondering a little bit about what God is teaching him through this. And I wonder if it's the fact that he can't be protector. He can't be the one on whom a person relies or depends (she is the one on whom we can depend, she is the one named Sailor Moon!....... sorry).

Lol.

He just walked by and my stomach just jumped so hard/much. I'm in the little room next to the Digman Downstairs Lounge, the one that does not have a door and where I led my first small group. Think it was him, from my peripheral, the guy was tall and black and wearing a suit jacket. Yup. Hear his voice and maybs Sam. Thought I saw Debs leave from my peripheral a few minutes ago. Whatever, this is totally irrelevant.

As I was saying, I wonder if he's learning a similar lesson. And if feelings of loneliness will come up because I'm not there for him to try to protect anymore. Ugh. I hate thinking like this. Honestly, I feel quite lame. I took this guy and made him so much! Girl with a big heart and big needs looking in the wrong places. And I confessed to Ray (who is actually real easy to talk to and we spoke 'til like 6:30 this morning... woke up for church at 10:15 o_o) that part of me is glad when I find out he is actually pretty affected by this because it makes me know that I was actually appreciated by him. And it's hard for me to fully accept that he's affected by this so much because I feel like it does not compare to how I feel about. Fact of the matter is, as much as he appreciates me, it doesn't mean anything: it will never be in the way that I desire. And how can I keep my feelings at bay when God's love and Spirit is so much in him!

Ahhhh. Really can't even to think out how things will work out. This really for God to do because I have no clue how I ever be this guy's actual friend while still having feelings for him. And I have no idea how long this trial will last. And I definitely don't know the greater picture for what I am supposed to learn. But it's not for me to know. It's for me to look at Jesus only and put my hope in Him. And Lord, I thank You so much for the peace and the companionship. What would I do without You????

Oh Great and Mighty One

With one desire I come

That You would Reign

That You would Reign in me. Amen.

Lord, would you be enough for me please? Please? Please?

And Lord I pray for Stephen. Right now, I pray aside from what I feel. I pray that You would be his sustenance. However this affected him, whether as much or far less, would You use this experience to correct him and guide him to You as well? Hallelujah. Be glorified in this Lord Jesus. And as I have prayed before, may this relationship between Garnett and I be what You want it to be. Whatever is not glorifying to You, take out, even if it means that our friendship is never restored. I thank You Father that You mean things to work out for my good too. You don't have to do that. Yet You promised it. Wow. You really mean that then. That all things work together for my good. Wow. Thanks a lot God. And I thank You for PEACE. Even though I have yet to plan small group and I've got work to do, I thank You so much that it's in it's perspective and these things are not running my heart. Really God, thank You for this mercy. And for the community. Oh man, how much You have done that cannot even be contained in this blogpost!! I thank You Jesus. Thank You for calling me right back to You. Hallelujah.

In the Name of the Son Jesus I pray with much thanksgiving in my heart,

Amen.

Lord,

I miss my brobro.

Today I was feeling weird because I realized that I lost a really important friend to me, and yet I'm fine. Like, I'm really okay. And I feel like I should feel a little bad. I am measuring his level of importance to me by how I feel now that he's gone. And I feel so good! It's creeping me out. But then he came up in conversation with the freshman Staci, who lives on his floor, and it sucks that I can't really talk like I know him so well anymore. I still do, and I can get away with it for a little while, but depending on where God takes this, there will be a time where a whole chunk of his life has passed by and I can't talk about him like I know him anymore. Ooouch. I guess I feel like I should feel some guilt for what I did. But God called me to do it; what guilt is there in doing the will of God.

These feelings take there root in something that happened yesterday. Jon Ye called me to do a last minute video for large group tomorrow. It was an Expedition plug and he needed extras. So I was like sure. And guess who was there. I texted Jerry this: Praaaay for me please. We are in the same room, this is aaawkward. And I was being really chipper and everything to try to make myself feel more comfortable. We weren't really talking to each other, just to others in the room, and then I asked him how his day was. He said it was awesome, Will is he new best friend. And then he did a mean laugh to Ray. Anyway, before we started filming, he said it was not in a right mood, he think he might leave. And then he said a few minutes later, "Sorry Jon Ye, gonna leave." And he left.

It's interesting to be in a place where I don't know anything about his life as it's happening. We haven't been friends for that long, but a large part of our friendship was that I always knew what was going on with him. He didn't always know what was going on with me, but I knew with him. Huh. We really were unequally yoked. Not in terms of our faith in Christ, but with how we related to each other. On my side, I was aspiring, subconsciously, to be like him. So though I miss him, I am free to be me in Christ, not trying to be anyone else. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am enough, in and of myself; nothing needs to be added and nothing needs to be taken away. God has made me me for a reason.

I realized that the reason me and G were unequally yoked is because I was using our relationship to try to fill up two needs that I had: the need for a father/older brother and the need for a husband. God showed me that I was lonely and was using my 'friendship' with Garnett to try to fil those needs. But as Lacy said, those are really big needs. Garnett cannot fill me up. There is no possible way he could, even if we were dating or even married. So the combo of trying to be him and trying to be filled by him skewered our relationship so badly. Hidden to the human eye, at least my eyes (and probably his) but SO obvious to God! So He took it away. He took the idol away. And steered me right back to Him.

So now I'm learning to stand on my own to feet again, independent of any other identity markers but the one I have in Christ. I've got brothers and sisters praying for me and God is hearing them. But you know, even if they weren't praying, God would still be faithful and lead me back to Him. He says in Psalm 25:8 The Lord is good and does what is right; He shows the proper path to those who go astray. Praise You Father THANK You so much!

Lord Jesus, thank You for Your strong, unfailing love for me. Oh man, he just called and that threw me off so much. Uuuugh, I miss him Father! I really do! But THANK YOU that you hear me and you SEE MY PAIN!!!!! What would I do if I didn't have you???!!!!! Ahhhh, THANK YOU! And instill in me the passion to have others know Your love too. HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU FATHER!!!!!

In CHRIST'S NAME I pray,

AMEN.

Letting Go Of Who I've Held Onto

My heart hurts!

Yesterday, I had to cut off my relationship with Garnett. God showed me that he was becoming an idol, and I need to redirect my focus back to God.

It's pretty crazy how God showed me; the revelation was well coordinated. It's crazy how much He will teach you before some trials even start.

On Monday, the 26th of Sept, I went to Estefani and Akua's room to visit them and Lacy and Camille (Estefani made salsa that they ran out of before I got there). I did not intend to stay long, but it crazy how God guided the conversation to one about identity. And a lot of wheels were just turning as I was thinking about my identity in a new light. I can't even totally remember what came up, but all I remember is that a lot of what we talked about involved Stephen and my relationship with him. Estefani brought up at one point during the conversation that she had never heard me talk about my parents. And I was raving about how annoyed I am at the fact that Garnett is so relevant in a lot of the conversations that I have with people, even people that I just meet. Then Lacy suggested that I see him as a parental figure. And then it went into a discussion about always wanting a brother, always wanting to be protected and how Stephen just fit that role incredibly well. And yada yada.

Then on Tuesday, Andy Bertodatti hit me up to see how things were in Bing. And we spoke a lot about vision, what God's doing, InterVarsity, and evangelism. It was incredibly refreshing and exciting, I think the best conversation we've had actually. Then on Tuesday night, Jon Ye hit me up and we chatted in my room for a while. The subject of our conversation was community, and God was getting my mind thinking about that too. I realized that I live for reactions instead of for responses when it comes to community. Reactions are temporary, responses more long term. I live for the "Janell is so cool"s and the "I love Janell"s and "Janell is so funny!"s. I don't seek long-term relationships, and that manifests itself in the way I act around people. I only care if they like me.

These were 3 conversation that happened over the span of about 24 hours. And so I was wondering how these were all related. And Jon Ye helped me see a thread: Something to the effect of, "You have to be rooted in your identity in order to be in community and you need the community in order to evangelize....." so'em like that. But there was still the question Why are these conversations happening? And what I was reminded of through this 3-convo experience also is that God is the One who initiates change. I give a lot of credit to human effort, more than is do. I recognize the problem in me or in the world and I pray to God to change that character flaw or situation. But I have to recognize it before anything can really happen. But God is teaching me that He sees the issue first, and then He brings it to my attention. He starts the process, the initiator of change and transformation. I was not even aware about my serious identity/community issue - God had to show me the problem.

Phew. A lot to type.

So here comes Thursday. I hang out with Jerry and God just goes in! I was met with brutal honesty and a call to obey God be walking away from my relationship with Garnett. Scary! My relationship with him was skewed and not at all bringing glory to God. I have prayed, whenever I was unsure/felt a little iffy about me and Garnett, that God's will be done. That our relationship would be what He wants it to be. And God is doing just that. He is being glorified through the ending of our relationship.

Why/How is God being glorified through its ending? God is showing me how much of a distraction Garnett was to me and how much of an idol he was. I was having my issues with things between us i.e. there were times where I felt I fully could not be myself/express myself around him, but to me that was an isolated issue. But God was like "No, it actually is affecting everything else." I have not been able to give my best to God because I have been serving two masters. Jerry put it that what we have is not a friendship because I am seeking to get things from him that he can't give and he's seeking to give me things that he doesn't have. And Lacy said two days ago, in response to me expressing that I feel like a pathetic puppy (because this is all one-sided and unrequited), that she doesn't see a puppy but a girl with a big heart and big hearts who is looking in the wrong place. I bring those two comments up because the idolization is two-faced: Yes, I put Stephen on a pedestal, but it's also (maybe even more so?) that I idolize the relationship. I use it to fill a need that I have in my heart: to be fully accepted, protected by, and loved by someone. And in that way, Garnett was usurping (unknowingly, I hope he does not look like a jerk here) God. God was being usurped again by a guy. What the heck Janell! I was using Garnett to fill a void in me that only God can totally fill! And I did not realize I was doing that.

Jerry told me something that I objected to at first, but it is probably true. He said that while I am hurting and struggling with this, God is going to be right there. I won't have to even struggle to pull Him down to me. It was probably harder to get Garnett/this relationship with Garnett to be so close to me that to get God to be close to me. And that hit me/offended me/was hard for me to believe at first. Did I really force God out of the way?

It's crazy to realize the wrong I've done. It's like in Acts 2 when Peter is preaching to the people and he tells them that they killed the Messiah, the Chosen One of God. They were cut to the heart when they realized what they had done. And how merciful is God that His answer is only to repent and be baptized!

So anyway, through my conversation with Jerry, God explained to me why He brought up issues of my identity, vision and evangelism, and community. He told me that my relationship with Garnett was blocking all 3 of them. It was literally eclipsing these and preventing progress. And the relationship had to go in order for me to grow. My relationship with him was not an isolated issue, oh no. It prevented me from leading small group freely, from being missional on my floor, from investing in my relationships with other people, from focusing on my school work. I spent so many hours with him! Seeking for him to fulfill me in ways that of course he could not have! And it wasn't for him to.

And how did it even get that far? Because one thing that I realized is that there has definitely been a change in pace of our relationship. I was watching maybe a little over a minute of a video I did on 12.4.2010 and I'm like, when I was thinking about Stephen back then, it was just a really bad crush. All I talked about was how much I liked him. And now that sentiment has become more subtle, but so dangerous. What God showed me yesterday is that the way I view myself and community is so broken! Whenever I think of the very close friends I have, Stephen is always the first person that comes to mind. Why? Because he has seen the awesome and not-so-awesome parts of me yet still accepts all of me. He takes after me as a little sister, no matter how annoying I get. And it amazes me that someone outside of my family would do that. And so I gripped this relationship because I never thought that I'd ever find another person like that, or at least not many of them exist. Everybody talks about how cool I am, but I felt like if they knew the darkest and dankest parts of me, they would no longer. So it amazed me that this guy could see me at my worst and still accept me. But that's God right there! And God is so much better at accepting me for me than anybody could ever be! So my fulfillment needs to come from Him. But also, with the Body of Christ, I have to trust it more. I need to be vulnerable not just with my pain but also with my shameful flaws. I need to allow the Body to love me totally and not count it out or undermine it. Garnett is not the only person who can accept me. He is not a special-edition human that God created. I need to allow the community to love me and seek to build up other relationships within it.

So yesterday, I told Garnett that God showed me things about our relationship that are not pleasing to him and that He is calling me to withdraw. It was pretty much that announcement. And then he texted me about 5 minutes later: "Don't feel bad or worry about my feelings when you're following God's directive. No matter how far away you go your always my sister." And then I bawled so hard. My response? "Thanks Stephen." But that was a total understatement to the gratitude and appreciation for him that I had. And I don't know if that overflow of gratitude was a feeling I should have felt (because we feel extreme gratitude to God; is this overflow of appreciation another evidence that my priorities were screwed up?), but I was definitely heart-broken. And I don't think I've fully realized how much our relationship will change because God definitely is not in possession of my heart even in this moment. I keep on thinking of when will be cool again/close again. But that may never be. And I have not come to the point where I am okay with that.

LORD!!!!!!

I want to fall more in love with YOU! I want to let go of all that I have held on to and count it all as loss in comparison to You, my treasure! I thank You for this trial, that You are calling me right back to You. That You are disciplining me; I know that You love me. Please bless me with joy like none I have known yet and with a peace that transcends comprehension. I want to love You Lord. Eclipse this affliction with Your glory. Praise be to the God who gives and who takes away. I worship You Father, in the midst of the storm. Hallelujah! Praise Yahweh! I give myself to You, bruise me to use me and accomplish Your good and perfect work.

Amen.

So yup, that's mi life at the moment. May God get glory through my life story. Amen.

4:50 pm.