The Words of My Heart

This is the story of my love life yo! I concur with every word. Every every word. Thank You God for Poetry.

-Salmon

Praise God for the Beauty in the Broken!

So every now and then, I g'o through old blog posts just to see how I used to be/think/feel about something. My conclusion

Oh my gosh, I'm so cool.

Okay, let me re-phrase that. Jesus has TRULY done a transforming work in me. One day, I will compare my Xanga with my Blogger and observe the differences in me. Obviously there is a change in a person when they come into a relationship with Christ, but there is also great change from when I first became a Christian to now. Even from the beginning of my college life to now, less than a year! I guess all this is a "duh," that's what you call growth.

Anyway, I'm reading these posts and from December 28, 2010 and onward, and I am just so amazed at my heart for God. The way I pray, the way I talk about wanting to know Him more... it inspires me. And I think, Have I pursued the Holy Spirit like I expressed I wanted to on January 22, 2011? Or been aware of prayer's great importance/been praying patiently and persistently like I wanted to on January 11, 2011? I hope that my desire for God and passion for Him has not dampened since those times.

And you know what my surprise might stem from? I'm not aware how much I love God in the moment. It is only looking back at these posts that I'm like "Wow, Janell. You said that, that is awesome!" I always felt kinda weird when people would talk about my fire or my spirit and regard it highly. In my head I'm like, what the heck are you seeing? I mean, I know what you see but it ain't nothing that great. And now I'm beginning to see what they see. It is truly a beautiful thing when someone, especially someone who is young, has a heart to please and serve God and give their all to Him. That pure desire for God is something so captivating and inspiring.

On January 3, 2011, I was giving thanks to Jesus for refining me. And I said "... I am realizing how far from You I actually am. I had this obnoxious thought that being a Christian meant I had arrived... Then You showed me how broken I am and how much hurt there is in my life."

'Tis so true. When I entered college, I had a very naive view of who God was and where I was in my walk with Him. I only saw Him as a God of Love and I thought that I was at an okay place with Him. But through this college experience, God has shown me how WRONG those notions are. He is Love, but He is Justice, He is Sovereign, He has wrath. More recently, He has been showing me that He is ever-faithful and worthy of my trust. He also showed that I am NOT OKAY in my walk with Him. I am okay in the sense that I am saved by the blood of the Lamb and God is abundant in grace, but not okay in the sense that I have done a lot for God and I love God so I'm good. Far from it. I have become so aware of my depravity and how much I need Him and how I am a total failure without Him. I don't follow Jesus for my health but because He is my lifeline. I am legit nothing without Him. And even that truth can be ingrained in me even more. Please do it Lord.

I say aaalll that to say that what is amazing about the words of these past blogs is not the fact that they revealed how awesome a Christian I was or that I was faithful and faultless. Hah hah hah hah, blasphemy and straight up lies. I am a faulted human being. What was so awesome about me then was that in my failure and in my doubt and in my pain and in my frustration, I still looked to God. I still prayed. I still wanted more of Him and I still blessed His name. Hallelujah.

I wonder if I have fallen away from that. I read these words and I'm like Okay, that was January... how have those desires manifested since then? Or maybe I don't know because of the blindness that comes with living in the moment. I hope, though, that I am not just saying these things. It's so easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment but not follow through. Sometimes it's something as simple as not remembering. But what would my faith look like if I pursued the follow-through of the desires that I expressed to God? The desire to be intune with His Spirit, the desire to be a prayer warrior, the desire to be completely and thoroughly satisfied with Him alone? (Def. want the last one). Lord, have Your way in me. May I never lose my desire and heart for You.

Another thing that I have realized as I am reading these blogs is that busy-ness makes it incredibly easy to lose sight of God. BUSY = Being Under Satan's Yoke (Acronym heard from a sermon preached by Sir Shane Burt-Miller). Maybe my amazement at the words of these past entries is due to the fact that I don't really remember being at places of great desire for God. Not clearly/that far back anyway. Wait, that's a lie. Not that I don't remember being at places of great desire, but I don't remember the depth of the desire. And then that is soon forgotten with the next IV event to plan for, or IV meeting to go to, or CBF meeting to go to, or prayer meeting to attend. So much all at once that I am here and there and everywhere and I am not even spending time with God. At the end of last semester, and def. at Basileia, I was surprised at how disconnected I felt from God. I was doing all these things for Him; no one could tell me I was not involved enough in InterVarsity. And yet God could care less about all of that. It means nothing if you are not spending time with Him and investing in your relationship with Him.

So next semester, and even for this summer ('cause there are days when I utter the words "I'm bored" at least 10 times and I don't even crack open my Bible once), I will invest in my relationship with God. And for the school year, that looks like limiting the ministries that I am in in IV, and not busying my self, even with my friendships. Lord, remind me and please create in me the desire and give me the will to see this through.

Wow, major ramble. But is all good. If this entry could be summed up into a few statements, they would be:

Christ has truly blessed me with an incredible heart for Him, to know Him and to be in relationship with Him. I am so aware that the awe is not for the generally faultless, blameless life that I live, for that life does not exist. I do not want busyness and forgetfulness to stop me from pursuing God or pursuing the desires that I express to Him.

Lord, though it is currently 5:17 in the AM, I thank you for this time to look back and see my heart for You then. And Lord, would my heart ever increase! I thank You so much for the eyes to recognize the beauty that You have blessed me with. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, I am so grateful to You Lord! May I be aware of my depravity and how much I need You and forever know that I would suck without You but may I also be just as aware of the beauty that I am in You. You make beautiful things out of the dust. Thank You for making me beautiful, Lord. And may I know that my beauty comes from YOU; may I not become conceited and lofty, because You have not gifted me for that at all. Humble me and keep me humble. Please keep the balance between awareness of depravity and awareness of beauty. Continue to refine me Lord and give me the courage to trust You. Deepen my heart and fire for You, may I not become lukewarm. Correct me when I am wrong, even wrong in beating myself up because I feel I have failed You. God, there is so much I want to be! Help me to be patient as You refine me. I pray for genuineness and authenticity in my prayers and in my blog entries, fo' sho'. Have Your way in my heart, may my journey with You be pleasing to You. Be with me in all, may I give You all, and may there be no fakin' along the way.

I ask You all these things Lord, in the Powerful Name of Jesus the Christ, who died and rose again so that I would be adopted as daughter of God. Thank You so much Jesus,

Amen.

5:43 AM

>O

SHE BROUGHT A FISH.

Legit? Why would Nicky do this to me. Irrational fear or not, you do not bring a fish how when you know! that your sister is absolutely petrified. Ugh -_____-

Bleeeehhhhhh! Jesus, I feel so weird. Am I not being obedient to You? Ugh! I pray for PEACE Lord! I pray for discernment and wisdom and boldness. Help me not to fear foolishness but I pray for clarity and an end to this confusion. Ugh.

I do not know if I am supposed to talk to Stephen. I mean, I feel like I am but I do not even know what words to say. And yeah, that's not to be my worry but like, how would I even start the conversation? I do not know what to say! Not even the nature of it. I am totally not down with this so whatever God wants him to know, I don't know, 'cause I don't want to say ANYTHING. I am in such a state of confusion and doubt. But is this self-inflicted because I do not know how things will turn out? Am I blinding myself? Every Christian I have spoken to has said that I should talk to him. Not only that, but I got that sense from the Holy Spirit? when I was on the picnic table behind Digman one night during finals week. Jesus, CLARITY please!

But then, can I even ask for clarity? If God has been clear already, why am I asking for more clearness? I AM RUNNING AWAY!!!!!! T___T

The Rediscovery of God's Love

It amazes me how many times I have to rediscover God's love. It is just something that cannot be grasped right away.

God, You are so cool. I am overflowing with gratitude of how You have provided for me spiritually. Even though community is not something that I am used to living in, You have placed me in an environment where people actually care about me and love me incredibly. And whenever I go off track, You guide me to where I should be.

Yesterday, God showed me something. And it will sound obvious, but it is amazing how God speaks through the seemingly small revelations and obvious facts. He showed me that community and Him are not opposite to each other. I was telling Stephen that I miss the days where it was just me and God; those chapel days where I was constantly in the sanctuary saturated in His Presence. This semester, God has been driving me away from the mentality of it just being me and Him. He has been using community to speak to me and love me as well. For G it's the opposite; he is used to going to people and his transition is into spending more alone time with God. I was surprised; my first reaction was something to the effect of How can you not like/do that? How is that hard for you? I would take spending alone time with God over community any day.

At that time, I was seeing community and God as different. Living in community was like a chore: being vulnerable, sharing deep thoughts, loving people are not effortless tasks. Moreover, with God I am already vulnerable; I do not have to worry about how I will be perceived if I open up myself. There is always risk in community and relationships and I despise the idea of being hurt, especially since I constantly opened myself up as a child and was constantly rejected and hurt. The possibility of experiencing that again is not something that I am eager to run to.

So when it was just me and God, He was present and when it was me and people/community, it was just... something. Like, I understood the importance of deep relationships with Christians; they help us grow and hold us accountable. The Body of Christ is there to help each Christian know that they are not on this journey alone. I got all that and not only did I understand the importance of community, I also saw that it was necessary. Vulnerability strengthens community and our faith in Him.

However, even with all of this understanding about community, in that moment I saw alone time with God as greater. Vulnerability is difficult and sometimes, if not most times, you don't feel like doing it. In those chapel days, I was already an open book before God. His understanding of me surpassed my own understanding of myself. I did not have to fear rejection or judgment. I did not even have to go through the mundane task of explaining things to Him. And God trumps all, of course. But the awesome thing that God showed me is that He and community are not separate. I was only seeing God as being present and loving on me when I was in my quiet time with Him. I did not attribute the love I felt through community to Him. I think that's something that might have been heart knowledge but not head knowledge (wow, for once it was reversed). Or more like, I experienced His love through community but never articulated that it was God loving me.

That is what God helped me grasp last night in my quiet time in my nice quiet place on the picnic table behind Digman. And when I was offering thanksgiving to Him, I was thanking Him for the people who love me in community, the people whom He loves me through. Heewon --- oh my gosh, I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am to God for her. It is solely God that we are as close as we are. She is the only one who knows everything about one particular aspect of my life. And I said to God, "Lord, what would I do if I had to go through this part of my life alone? You provided Heewon right from the beginning--- I do not have to explain how things began. Thank You!" You put her in this place in my life before I even understood how important her community would be as I go on this wishy-washy emotional journey. And last night, I was in Sarah Min's room studying and she was just so incredibly hospitable to me! She bought me sushi with her dying meal plan, she offered me her Chinese food, and she just LOVED me through her hug. Her hug was so understanding and when I left she wished me a good time with God. She even let me wear her jacket outside. I ended up spending the night there and she let me sleep in her (incredibly comfortable) bed. And I was on that picnic table just thanking God for her community with me. We did not have deep conversation, just random bursts here and there since we both had work to do. I did not tell her what was going on in my head or anything. But the love she showed me through touch and through her hospitality and service put me at such peace. I could just chill. Her presence and simple gestures were all I needed. Sarah Min was loving me in a way that helped me understand that I was not being a burden. At all. I was welcome. As I was. Ugh, she is so great.

Community is not outside of God; it is founded in Him. Well, duh, I knew that. The minute community, specifically church, distracts/leads away God, it has lost its purpose and its existence is in vain. But another duh that I did not fully articulate/realize is that God LOVES ME through community. He uses people and relationships to love on me/as another expression of His love. I was putting Him in a box, as if He was only there when I was alone with Him. But God is there when I am with Stephen and Heewon and Sarah Min and the love that I experience when I am with them is from God. Tonight I was thinking about it a little more and I also realized that I have to be careful; God loves me through these people, but the love that I experience from them is them loving me too. Christ's love strengthens their love. Each Christian relationship and Christian community is a three-way relationship. There is me, people, and God. The more Christ-centered the community and relationship, the greater the capacity for love.

A greater capacity for love entails vulnerability and accountability even when you don't want it but love is by no means easy nor is it a nice journey. Jesus's death on the cross is the EPITOME of that idea. Most painful experience for Man to go through, yet the greatest act of love. And the glory of the Resurrection! The pain is worth the glory and greatness that results from it. The beauty of the love that I experience when I take a chance and am vulnerable with my sisters and brother....awesome. God was able to love on me through Sarah Min when I did not try to be strong. God heals me through my confession to Heewon whenever we speak. And God uses Garnett as the straight up rebuking voice whenever I am out of turn.

Thank You, Jesus, for loving me through these wonderful people. And thank You for constantly expanding my understanding of what Your love is/what it means to love You and experience Your love. What a constant rediscovery the Christian life is. Please continue to grow me and give me the will and ability to take You at Your Word! I do not want to be one who not only believes in You but believes You. May I be strong and courageous as You have commanded me and fearless since You are with me wherever I go (Joshua 1:9)! May I understand that no one can be against me because You are for me (Romans 8:31). May I not be anxious about ANYTHING (Philippians 4:6-7). Hallelu Jah. I thank You Lord for how you are growing me in You, at so young an age. Please keep me, guide me. Continue to uphold me with Your Righteous Right Hand (Isaiah 41:10). Thank You Lord for Your pure Word (Psalm 12:6); I pray that I will believe it. I am excited for the beauty that You will create out of my life. Blessed be the name of the Lord always. Praise be to the One who gives and takes away and who is good despite my circumstances. Be the One who drives me Lord and the One whom I model after. Be the source of my everything, my strength, my comfort, my love. Thank You Jesus. This I pray in the Name of Jesus the Christ. AMEN.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!” - Romans 11:33.