Oh my gosh, I'm so cool.
Okay, let me re-phrase that. Jesus has TRULY done a transforming work in me. One day, I will compare my Xanga with my Blogger and observe the differences in me. Obviously there is a change in a person when they come into a relationship with Christ, but there is also great change from when I first became a Christian to now. Even from the beginning of my college life to now, less than a year! I guess all this is a "duh," that's what you call growth.
Anyway, I'm reading these posts and from December 28, 2010 and onward, and I am just so amazed at my heart for God. The way I pray, the way I talk about wanting to know Him more... it inspires me. And I think, Have I pursued the Holy Spirit like I expressed I wanted to on January 22, 2011? Or been aware of prayer's great importance/been praying patiently and persistently like I wanted to on January 11, 2011? I hope that my desire for God and passion for Him has not dampened since those times.
And you know what my surprise might stem from? I'm not aware how much I love God in the moment. It is only looking back at these posts that I'm like "Wow, Janell. You said that, that is awesome!" I always felt kinda weird when people would talk about my fire or my spirit and regard it highly. In my head I'm like, what the heck are you seeing? I mean, I know what you see but it ain't nothing that great. And now I'm beginning to see what they see. It is truly a beautiful thing when someone, especially someone who is young, has a heart to please and serve God and give their all to Him. That pure desire for God is something so captivating and inspiring.
On January 3, 2011, I was giving thanks to Jesus for refining me. And I said "... I am realizing how far from You I actually am. I had this obnoxious thought that being a Christian meant I had arrived... Then You showed me how broken I am and how much hurt there is in my life."
'Tis so true. When I entered college, I had a very naive view of who God was and where I was in my walk with Him. I only saw Him as a God of Love and I thought that I was at an okay place with Him. But through this college experience, God has shown me how WRONG those notions are. He is Love, but He is Justice, He is Sovereign, He has wrath. More recently, He has been showing me that He is ever-faithful and worthy of my trust. He also showed that I am NOT OKAY in my walk with Him. I am okay in the sense that I am saved by the blood of the Lamb and God is abundant in grace, but not okay in the sense that I have done a lot for God and I love God so I'm good. Far from it. I have become so aware of my depravity and how much I need Him and how I am a total failure without Him. I don't follow Jesus for my health but because He is my lifeline. I am legit nothing without Him. And even that truth can be ingrained in me even more. Please do it Lord.
I say aaalll that to say that what is amazing about the words of these past blogs is not the fact that they revealed how awesome a Christian I was or that I was faithful and faultless. Hah hah hah hah, blasphemy and straight up lies. I am a faulted human being. What was so awesome about me then was that in my failure and in my doubt and in my pain and in my frustration, I still looked to God. I still prayed. I still wanted more of Him and I still blessed His name. Hallelujah.
I wonder if I have fallen away from that. I read these words and I'm like Okay, that was January... how have those desires manifested since then? Or maybe I don't know because of the blindness that comes with living in the moment. I hope, though, that I am not just saying these things. It's so easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment but not follow through. Sometimes it's something as simple as not remembering. But what would my faith look like if I pursued the follow-through of the desires that I expressed to God? The desire to be intune with His Spirit, the desire to be a prayer warrior, the desire to be completely and thoroughly satisfied with Him alone? (Def. want the last one). Lord, have Your way in me. May I never lose my desire and heart for You.
Another thing that I have realized as I am reading these blogs is that busy-ness makes it incredibly easy to lose sight of God. BUSY = Being Under Satan's Yoke (Acronym heard from a sermon preached by Sir Shane Burt-Miller). Maybe my amazement at the words of these past entries is due to the fact that I don't really remember being at places of great desire for God. Not clearly/that far back anyway. Wait, that's a lie. Not that I don't remember being at places of great desire, but I don't remember the depth of the desire. And then that is soon forgotten with the next IV event to plan for, or IV meeting to go to, or CBF meeting to go to, or prayer meeting to attend. So much all at once that I am here and there and everywhere and I am not even spending time with God. At the end of last semester, and def. at Basileia, I was surprised at how disconnected I felt from God. I was doing all these things for Him; no one could tell me I was not involved enough in InterVarsity. And yet God could care less about all of that. It means nothing if you are not spending time with Him and investing in your relationship with Him.
So next semester, and even for this summer ('cause there are days when I utter the words "I'm bored" at least 10 times and I don't even crack open my Bible once), I will invest in my relationship with God. And for the school year, that looks like limiting the ministries that I am in in IV, and not busying my self, even with my friendships. Lord, remind me and please create in me the desire and give me the will to see this through.
Wow, major ramble. But is all good. If this entry could be summed up into a few statements, they would be:
Christ has truly blessed me with an incredible heart for Him, to know Him and to be in relationship with Him. I am so aware that the awe is not for the generally faultless, blameless life that I live, for that life does not exist. I do not want busyness and forgetfulness to stop me from pursuing God or pursuing the desires that I express to Him.
Lord, though it is currently 5:17 in the AM, I thank you for this time to look back and see my heart for You then. And Lord, would my heart ever increase! I thank You so much for the eyes to recognize the beauty that You have blessed me with. Hallelujah, Hallelujah, I am so grateful to You Lord! May I be aware of my depravity and how much I need You and forever know that I would suck without You but may I also be just as aware of the beauty that I am in You. You make beautiful things out of the dust. Thank You for making me beautiful, Lord. And may I know that my beauty comes from YOU; may I not become conceited and lofty, because You have not gifted me for that at all. Humble me and keep me humble. Please keep the balance between awareness of depravity and awareness of beauty. Continue to refine me Lord and give me the courage to trust You. Deepen my heart and fire for You, may I not become lukewarm. Correct me when I am wrong, even wrong in beating myself up because I feel I have failed You. God, there is so much I want to be! Help me to be patient as You refine me. I pray for genuineness and authenticity in my prayers and in my blog entries, fo' sho'. Have Your way in my heart, may my journey with You be pleasing to You. Be with me in all, may I give You all, and may there be no fakin' along the way.
I ask You all these things Lord, in the Powerful Name of Jesus the Christ, who died and rose again so that I would be adopted as daughter of God. Thank You so much Jesus,
Amen.
5:43 AM
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