♪ I-Need-To-Learn-How-To-Loooove ♪

*Note - The title is to be sung to the hook of the song "Find Me Somebody To Love" by Queen.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
Thomas Merton

I re-learned today that I don't love people. And I do not allow them to love me. I do not allow people (not everyone anyway) to be totally themselves when they are around me, and I am not totally myself when I am with other people.

I am overly concerned with how I seem to other people. I want to be liked by all. When I reach a certain level of comfortability and security with a person, I begin to lax a bit and a different "me" emerges. A rough, stubborn, sour-faced Janell. Yet, should those things be hidden? And if so, why don't I hide it from those who know me best (humph... maybe because they know me best...)? Better question, why do those closest see the worst side? Not even a less put together version of the outer me, but a different person all-together?

What's the next step? Bring the Nelly on the outside, inside or bring the Nelly inside, outside? Nah. The next step is to redefine-- nope, not redefine-- seek my identity in Christ. To pray that He would transform my heart so that there would be visible changes in my attitude-- a transformation from the inside, out. And the visible change is not for my own praise and need to draw people to me. This visible change is necessary so that people, in my family, among my close friends, and on the outside, can experience Christ's love through me in a more genuine and consistent way. Authenticity and consistency (such an important word!) are only possible by the Spirit; these things I cannot accomplish in my own strength.

By the Spirit meaning that He does a transforming work in me, transformation of my heart and transformation of my character so that the things that appear on the outside are a direct reflection of what's going on inside and so that it also does not feel like I'm putting up a front. It's all natural because it's who I am: Christ.

Lord, please do it. Please teach me how to love and please teach me what it means have my identity in You Lord. Hallelujah. Amen.