AAAAHHH!!!

I AM SO SCARED!!!!! I am about to check whether or not I have been admitted to the University of Pennsylvania. Jesus PLEASE! I am so scared and so doubtful right now! But You are God. And You know where I am supposed to go. If I do not get into UPenn, it's because You don't want me there. You have bigger things for me. Help me to truly know that God and absolutely trust in Your will for my life. Oh God, help me. I can't say anymore. Please just help me. Amen.

Jeremy

lol! So it is like 4 in the morning and I'm here reading old posts. These are the things I notice:

1) I never follow up with posts when I say I'm going to. I mention things, say I'll expand on them later, then never do. Gotta work on that xD
2) The founding posts of this blog had a lot to do with Jeremy. A lot of these posts have to do with Jeremy. And it is so interesting to see where we are now and compare it to how we used to be and how I thought our friendship would be at different points in the past year. At one point I though we would never again be friends. At another, I thought things would be restored. I am so distant from that desire now, to be his friend again. The only way he benefited me was through a negative experience. And I called him best friend. Silly me.

And it's so funny because I'm reading all of these posts and laughing at the irony of everything. How we are now and how I thought we would be. It's the complete opposite. Our friendship, if you can even call it that, will die once we graduate. Unless God in His unpredictableness does something, which is quite possible. And to tell you the truth, I'm still waiting for Him to do something. Still waiting for some miracle. Because of what I believe He told me in the chapel (see Thursday, October 15, 2009 entry I really should be doing my AP English essay right now...).That event was too timely to be a coincidence. So I'm still waiting. Who knows what God'll do? Nobody. So I'm not yet shutting the door, because you never know what will happen. Just this time, I'm not making the effort to reach out to him. If God wants something to happen, God's going to have to do it. Which is how it should be anyway.

These entries are too funny. I love looking back and reading old entries and realizing how much I've grown. I love remembering how I used to think and kinda of looking at myself from an objective viewpoint. Seeing who I was a few months ago, a year ago. It's pretty cool. Another effect of reading these entries though is that I really want the people who I've written about to read these entries. For Jeremy to read these entries! That would be so funny! xD Like, he'd realize that his actions actually affected somebody; I don't think he realizes that. Man, if he were to ever read this blog, it'd be an honor. He be forced to look at himself. No, I lie. He could very well stop reading whenever he wanted to. But you know, maybe we haven't talked because God hasn't shown me what the topic is supposed to be. I want to tell this kid about himself and I have my way of doing it; listing things off that might not make him a better person but will just make him feel like crap. I highly doubt that is God's intention. I still have a lot of things I need to let go of. Like, I don't care about him in the same way I used to and it's caused me to be quite insensitive towards him. I make a lot of snippy comments and give him the "Ryan treatment" (lol) and it's not cool. It sucks that I have to feel a way about him to treat him with kindness. It should be "I am a Christian; God told be to be kind so I am going to be kind." I want to act despite my feelings. Lord, do it!

So who knows where we'll end up? All I know is that I've got this one puzzle piece of a million piece puzzle; God's got the boxtop with the whole picture. He knows what He's doing.

Do Your thing God, do Your thing.

~Nelly


And Jeremy, if you are reading this right now, I want you to know that I genuinely do not hate you. My experiences with you have taught me a lot about myself and have caused me to draw closer to God. Thanks. And though I have said all of these things, I still love you as a fellow brother in Christ. Much love dude.

~Insignia

Church and PPD

So, where do I even begin.

Let's talk about church.

I can't stand it! >.<

And I don't mean church in general. I mean my own church. Like, today was the first time I've stayed back for church in a long time (I had to leave early every Sunday for 5 months because of play practice). And I cried after church today because I miss the cast so much! The PPD (Post-Play Depression) is killing me! >.< And church is only increasing the sadness. There is no life! Sometimes I feel as though I'm at a funeral. I'm the loudest one and I am so enthusiastic, but it is discouraging when that enthusiasm is not seen by anyone else in my church family.

Yesterday my day was filled with singing. I sang all day. Gospel For Teens from 11-1. There was Gospel Choir from 10-4 and I came around 2:15. Then at 7:30 was Misfits Youth Service and we sang in the beginning and sang for like an hour in the end. Then we went to AppleBees (and I didn't eat but it was fun xD). Anyway all the music we sang was about God. So this morning, I was in quite a good mood because I felt so full. I didn't even leave the house angry! So then I go to church. And I leave miserable and I'm like "When did that happen? I'm supposed to leave church happy and filled!" And I just lost my filling. I think it might be because I focus so much on how much the church has to change and the fact that I do not get much from it that it just depresses me. I was so anxious for the sermon to be over today! That does not happen. Aigh geez. God, help me. Change me. Help me to look at this from a godly perspective and to endure these last few months before I go to college. Aigh geez.

Thank You Jesus

Take My Life, Use It Up.
Spread It Thin, Like A Blanket Of Love
Over The World That You Gave Your Blood For.
Take My Life.
Take It All Lord.
- Warren Barfield

Lord,
I want to desire You.
You and You alone.
You alone satisfy,
You alone love perfectly.

You are so beautiful;
Thank You for who You are.
Yahweh;
Thank You for who You are.


Jesus, I have a genuine desire to desire You ABOVE all things. I want to just soak up Your love and lay in Your presence. Is that what Heaven is like? I can't get enough of You God, yet at the same time, I am presently unable to make time for You. There is something wrong with that picture. Seriously wrong. May that not be so, God. God, I want to get to the place where I am not phased by the unimportant things of this world because You live so richly and so deeply in me. This is my prayer Lord! That I never get sick of You, ever. That I won't intentionally spit in Your Face again like I did some 2,010 years ago. Forgive me Lord of the sins I have committed in the past and the ones of the future. I thank You that You are so good that as soon as I ask for Your forgiveness, You forget I ever even sinned. God, You are so good! And You do not have to be. Thank You. Thank You Jesus, thank You.

For Thought

A female's heart should be so lost in Christ that a male has to seek Him in order to find her.