Lack of Motivation meets Reluctance to Become a Woman. Yikes.

Apathy...

Is a mighty dangerous thing.

Yesterday and today, I've been feeling absent. Apathetic and unmotivated by the things of life. Small group leading feels like a chore. Schoolwork is just another thing to do. I am going through a life transformation. I'm thinking about Expedition, how I'm going to pay for it, how others are going to pay for it, and there are NomCom Interviews this Saturday. All this stuff moves me to say... I don't care anymore. Ugh.

Last night, I realized something. I can't call Stephen brother anymore. My calling him brother is a straight up denial of my feelings for him. And I have expressed, the reason why our relationship was so skewed was because I was using it to fill this need to have a protector, a fatherly/brotherly love and to fill this desire to have a boyfriend/husband. I was trying to have the best of both worlds.

But I can't have the best of both worlds. I am not a little girl anymore. The little Janell still wants an older brother, still wants a father to protect her, watch over, make sure no harm comes to her. But the growing woman desires a man to be with, to love and to be loved by, deeply and intimately. I was trying to force Garnett into the former role, that of older brother, especially since he sees me as a little sister. That helped justify his role as brother. But the fact is, I don't see him as strictly that. I like him, and I desire him in a deep way. Period. And I have to accept that. If I continue to deny it, I will never grow up. This little girl inside of me will continue to struggle to live. But my childhood is gone. I am a 19-year-old woman, not a 19-year-old child. And I'm by no means grown, but I am definitely not a little girl anymore.

It kinda sucks. Being fathered looks a lot different for me now. And I will never get it in the way that I have always desired. But praise God! He will restore my brokenness. And I am glad that I am going through this, so that my daughters do not have to. Lord, would You bless them with a father that will love them in the way that You have called men to love their daughters.

And would You help me step into my womanhood? Would You help me to give this need, this desire for a father, to You? Would You fill this need Father? I don't want to search anymore. I want to be satisfied with You God in this capacity. Hallelujah. What does it look like to be fathered by my physical dad as a woman Jesus? Would You help me? Would You heal the pain that I have? Would You fill the gaps and holes in my heart where I wish my dad was? And with this desire for a husband, help me not to run away from it. Help me to embrace it, and step into the woman that You are molding me into.

Aaaahhhhhh.

Amen.

I miss my brother.

But I don't know what kind of miss.

Like,

I said to myself today that I really love him. But in what way?

In Anthropology today, we talked about limitations of language. And in the English language, the word love has so many different meanings. How do I differentiate between my love for tamarind balls and my love for my friend? We use the same word in each situation to describe our deep affection, that's crazy!

So even with Garnett, I can't figure it out. In what way do I love him? Is it still in an idolizing way? Am I ignoring his faultiness or choosing to look past them? Because if the former, I do not love him, I'm just keeping him on a pedestal, a pedestal that undermines the fact that he is human and flawed. If the latter, then my love runs deeper than what I see on the outside.

What does it look like to love someone for who they are? Love their true identity? If Christ is your base and the One you root yourself in, that is where your identity lies. That is who I am. I am who I am in Christ Jesus alone. How do I love someone for who he is in Christ alone? For who she is in Christ alone? How do I love past the mistakes, past the lack, past the inabilities, past the heritage, skin color, dread locks, physical attraction, differences, similarities? I don't want my love to depend on external characteristics, but the heavenly quality of being a son of God. That's why I want to love Garnett.

Lord, I pray for help. Because it's also difficult for me to comprehend how I can love this guy without my romantic feelings getting in the way/being a distraction. How can my romantic feelings be reconciled with genuinely loving him when his feelings for me are not reciprocated? The line is so muddy and I don't understand. But You know and I pray that You will teach me. And in teaching me through this experience Lord, I pray that You would teach me how to love other people. Past every great characteristic and past every flaw. Give me Your Eyes and give me Your heart please.

Praise Yahweh, Amen.

4:50 pm.

I am not defined by my mistakes.

I am not defined by my lack of.

I am not defined by other's perceptions of me.

I am not defined by how I think others perceive me.

I am not defined by how much I mean to someone.

I am not defined by that facial expression flashed my way when I do something he or she disagrees with.

I am not defined by what I haven't done.

I am not defined by my successes.

I am not defined by what I am able to do.

I am not defined by whether or not a guy will like me.

I am not defined by how well I can answer a question in class.

I am not defined by how impressed people are about my intelligence.

I am not defined by how impressed people are by my level of maturity in my walk with God.

I am not defined by how well/whether or not I can relate to people.

I am not defined by how many pop culture references I know.

I am not defined by how many friends I have on Facebook.

I am not defined by how well I can harmonize.

I am not defined by the person I am at home.

I am not defined by the person I am outside.

I am not defined by my natural hair.

I am not defined by my big eyes.

I am not defined by my black skin.

I am not defined by my neediness.

I am not defined by my past examples of my lack of trust in God.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see myself the way God sees me.

I am not defined by the fact that I don't see my life the way God sees it.

I am not defined by the fact that I have trouble recognizing the gifts that God has given me.

I am not defined by the fact that I am in real need of material help in this college dorm.

These things do not define me.

No

No

No

No

No

No

No.

No Janell. Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies.

Don't listen to the lies. Jesus loves you so much.

And He died,

So that you could be defined

By what He did for you.

He died,

So that your identity

Would be in Him alone.

Him.

Jesus the Christ.

Jesus the Messiah, the Risen Son of God.

Your worth

Is not based on things that fluctuate

Pass away

Are surface.

Your worth goes far, FAR deeper. Janell, deeply loved you are. Deeply valued, you are. Your value is not determined by whether or not someone responds to your text message.

THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE LOVES ME!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! >:'O

I am defined by You Lord!!!!!! YOU give me my identity.

I pray for satisfaction in You.

I pray for satisfaction in who I am in You.

I pray for a constant awareness of Your high, long, deep, wide love (Ephesians 3:18).

I pray that I would love You back Lord.

I pray that You would be everything to me Jesus.

Please Lord. Be everything to me.

Lord,

I hurt.

I miss my brother. But for what? What do I miss? Everything was so skewed anyway. And can we ever be friends again anyway? I desire him in a much deeper way than that and I don't know how I can have that desire and not revert back to the way things were when I was hanging out with him all the time. I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have for an older brother/father figure (this thought came to me the other day; maybe I did not seek a person to fill the father role because I already had one but since the emotional presence was not there, I desired the older brother because I thought that was from where the emotion-ness would come) and I was using the relationship to fill up the desire I have to intimately be with someone. How unhealthy that was. I am so glad to be out of it before it got worse, and there has been a joy that comes from freedom since I parted with him (it is creepy how much of an awesome week I had... seemingly too good to be true) but at the same time I miss him. And that missing, I fear, is turning/going to turn into a annooying/painstaking feeling of "I want to BE with somebody!!!!" Huh. New thought. That desire to be with someone will only grow. It was subdued for a while because I had my relationship with Garnett filling in. But he's not here anymore. And this is going to be lonely. I wonder if it's the same for him. I was wondering a little bit about what God is teaching him through this. And I wonder if it's the fact that he can't be protector. He can't be the one on whom a person relies or depends (she is the one on whom we can depend, she is the one named Sailor Moon!....... sorry).

Lol.

He just walked by and my stomach just jumped so hard/much. I'm in the little room next to the Digman Downstairs Lounge, the one that does not have a door and where I led my first small group. Think it was him, from my peripheral, the guy was tall and black and wearing a suit jacket. Yup. Hear his voice and maybs Sam. Thought I saw Debs leave from my peripheral a few minutes ago. Whatever, this is totally irrelevant.

As I was saying, I wonder if he's learning a similar lesson. And if feelings of loneliness will come up because I'm not there for him to try to protect anymore. Ugh. I hate thinking like this. Honestly, I feel quite lame. I took this guy and made him so much! Girl with a big heart and big needs looking in the wrong places. And I confessed to Ray (who is actually real easy to talk to and we spoke 'til like 6:30 this morning... woke up for church at 10:15 o_o) that part of me is glad when I find out he is actually pretty affected by this because it makes me know that I was actually appreciated by him. And it's hard for me to fully accept that he's affected by this so much because I feel like it does not compare to how I feel about. Fact of the matter is, as much as he appreciates me, it doesn't mean anything: it will never be in the way that I desire. And how can I keep my feelings at bay when God's love and Spirit is so much in him!

Ahhhh. Really can't even to think out how things will work out. This really for God to do because I have no clue how I ever be this guy's actual friend while still having feelings for him. And I have no idea how long this trial will last. And I definitely don't know the greater picture for what I am supposed to learn. But it's not for me to know. It's for me to look at Jesus only and put my hope in Him. And Lord, I thank You so much for the peace and the companionship. What would I do without You????

Oh Great and Mighty One

With one desire I come

That You would Reign

That You would Reign in me. Amen.

Lord, would you be enough for me please? Please? Please?

And Lord I pray for Stephen. Right now, I pray aside from what I feel. I pray that You would be his sustenance. However this affected him, whether as much or far less, would You use this experience to correct him and guide him to You as well? Hallelujah. Be glorified in this Lord Jesus. And as I have prayed before, may this relationship between Garnett and I be what You want it to be. Whatever is not glorifying to You, take out, even if it means that our friendship is never restored. I thank You Father that You mean things to work out for my good too. You don't have to do that. Yet You promised it. Wow. You really mean that then. That all things work together for my good. Wow. Thanks a lot God. And I thank You for PEACE. Even though I have yet to plan small group and I've got work to do, I thank You so much that it's in it's perspective and these things are not running my heart. Really God, thank You for this mercy. And for the community. Oh man, how much You have done that cannot even be contained in this blogpost!! I thank You Jesus. Thank You for calling me right back to You. Hallelujah.

In the Name of the Son Jesus I pray with much thanksgiving in my heart,

Amen.

Lord,

I miss my brobro.

Today I was feeling weird because I realized that I lost a really important friend to me, and yet I'm fine. Like, I'm really okay. And I feel like I should feel a little bad. I am measuring his level of importance to me by how I feel now that he's gone. And I feel so good! It's creeping me out. But then he came up in conversation with the freshman Staci, who lives on his floor, and it sucks that I can't really talk like I know him so well anymore. I still do, and I can get away with it for a little while, but depending on where God takes this, there will be a time where a whole chunk of his life has passed by and I can't talk about him like I know him anymore. Ooouch. I guess I feel like I should feel some guilt for what I did. But God called me to do it; what guilt is there in doing the will of God.

These feelings take there root in something that happened yesterday. Jon Ye called me to do a last minute video for large group tomorrow. It was an Expedition plug and he needed extras. So I was like sure. And guess who was there. I texted Jerry this: Praaaay for me please. We are in the same room, this is aaawkward. And I was being really chipper and everything to try to make myself feel more comfortable. We weren't really talking to each other, just to others in the room, and then I asked him how his day was. He said it was awesome, Will is he new best friend. And then he did a mean laugh to Ray. Anyway, before we started filming, he said it was not in a right mood, he think he might leave. And then he said a few minutes later, "Sorry Jon Ye, gonna leave." And he left.

It's interesting to be in a place where I don't know anything about his life as it's happening. We haven't been friends for that long, but a large part of our friendship was that I always knew what was going on with him. He didn't always know what was going on with me, but I knew with him. Huh. We really were unequally yoked. Not in terms of our faith in Christ, but with how we related to each other. On my side, I was aspiring, subconsciously, to be like him. So though I miss him, I am free to be me in Christ, not trying to be anyone else. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am enough, in and of myself; nothing needs to be added and nothing needs to be taken away. God has made me me for a reason.

I realized that the reason me and G were unequally yoked is because I was using our relationship to try to fill up two needs that I had: the need for a father/older brother and the need for a husband. God showed me that I was lonely and was using my 'friendship' with Garnett to try to fil those needs. But as Lacy said, those are really big needs. Garnett cannot fill me up. There is no possible way he could, even if we were dating or even married. So the combo of trying to be him and trying to be filled by him skewered our relationship so badly. Hidden to the human eye, at least my eyes (and probably his) but SO obvious to God! So He took it away. He took the idol away. And steered me right back to Him.

So now I'm learning to stand on my own to feet again, independent of any other identity markers but the one I have in Christ. I've got brothers and sisters praying for me and God is hearing them. But you know, even if they weren't praying, God would still be faithful and lead me back to Him. He says in Psalm 25:8 The Lord is good and does what is right; He shows the proper path to those who go astray. Praise You Father THANK You so much!

Lord Jesus, thank You for Your strong, unfailing love for me. Oh man, he just called and that threw me off so much. Uuuugh, I miss him Father! I really do! But THANK YOU that you hear me and you SEE MY PAIN!!!!! What would I do if I didn't have you???!!!!! Ahhhh, THANK YOU! And instill in me the passion to have others know Your love too. HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU FATHER!!!!!

In CHRIST'S NAME I pray,

AMEN.