Summertime Growth

God has been tearing up my summer. Since I did not plan to do any summer programs this summer, I expected to chill out and relax. I expected to not really be challenged this summer; once the academic stress was removed, I expected paradise. But God was not letting me chill out sprititually AT ALL. I am definitely noticeably different in my walk with God now than I was when I entered the summer. Oh snap, a lot of things did happen this summer now that I think about it. God has been so good and so faithful even though there are times when I despair about my walk with God.

At Basileia, the major thing on my mind was my frustration about my feelings for Stephen and whether or not I should talk to him about it. Fear gripped me so much, and from May and through June and the beginning of July, I wrestled and struggled so much! But when I finally submitted myself to obedience to the Father, it really DID NOT turn out to be so bad -__-. SO God was really talking to me about fear this summer. Matter of fact, it was what Russell talked about at Saturday Service (Russell is a dude from Trinidad who's up here for 5 weeks. Think he's a friend of Pastor Richie's). I think that one of the reasons God is attacking it so hard is because He wants to do something through me. That thought came to me after a Hillsong service where I was calling out to God that I don't want to be afraid anymore. Soon after I thought that, I met someone who said something similar. God cannot use me if I crippled and paralyzed by fear. He will get all the glory for taking it out of me because in my own strength, I cannot rid myself of fear. Praise Yahweh.

God has also been delivering from a stagnant church. Oh man, I spent my summer going to Bronx Bethany Saturday and Sunday services and I have been so filled and taught so much. Hallelujah! I want to make BBCN my home church. I cannot bring myself to go back to Grace, not even to say bye. I dont want to sacrifice a Sunday of worship or fellowship! So I am going to write a letter to Pastor and cards to a few people in the congregation. Don't think they will be well-received at all, but I am going where God is, and He is at Bronx Bethany. I truly appreciate the chrachter of Pastor Sam. He is not discipling people to keep them at Bronx Bethany; he is discipling God' people to send them out! He is all for God's will and not his own. He denies his self-interest and pursues the interest of God. At Grace, I feel choked. We do not live up to our name; there is not an attiude of grace there. And I do not want to over-generalize the congregation, but among the leadership, I feel like their love for me is dependent on my membership there or my prospective membership there. And that is not Christ's love. Christ's love is Go where you will grow. Christ's love is Go where you meet God. When I was baptized, matter of fact, when I accepted Christ, I became a member of the Body of Christ. Not the body of GBC. This summer, I resolved to do what's in the interest of my spiritual growth, instead of the "proper" thing (which looks like staying because I was "raised" there and because people have helped me financially). I thank You Lord for courage to love and obey You above men and mother (;-p).

In the past few weeks, I've grown in adoration of my Bronx Bethany brothers. Chris's humility, Dennis' passion, Curtis servitude, Sidney's knowledge. I appreciate that God has shown me other single men of Christ besides Stephen. Not for me to have options, but for me to see that men of God are not few in number. If there is one, there are others. I am so deeply encouraged by their passion and love for God. It causes me to check myself and I realize that I truly slacking in my walk and I am not as G as I think I am.

Which is another thing about this summer. In the past few days, God has been exposing a bigot, arrogant attitude that is present in me. I don't really believe that I am disgusting, filthy, evil. There is a part of me that feels entitled to what God has given me. There is also part of me that wants to give credit to myself for where I am with God. As though I am so wise because of who I am and the knowledge came effortlessly because I am Janell. I AM IN DANGER! God, deliever me from this mindset please. Because the dichotomy is disgusting; God take all of me, You get all the glory, except I want some glory for myself. I think the gas is getting to my head. I am taking pride in the fact that I am a "good" Christian, defined as someone who pursues and seeks God. And that definition is sketch, because we couldn't pursue God if He did not pursue us. I am the servant who has been forgiven little (Luke 7:36-47). I have the testimony of being kept (as Sidney K. put it), but instead of turning that into praise and thanksgiving, it is becoming self-righteosness and self-glory, and straight up ignorance. 2 Peter 1:5-9 says,

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.

Instead of being of those who are good, knowledgeable, self-controlling, perseverant, godly, brotherly loving, and loving, I am of those who have forgotten that they have been cleansed from past sins. I have so much pride, and that will surely cause me to fall! And you know, it's my flesh. And this flesh is not dying because I am not killing it by making the effort to add to my faith. The dichotomy between flesh and spirit will always be there, it will not change. So I have to make the effort to keep it in submission. Dead. Everyday. And I was mistaken, because I always said that the Holy Spirit has to do it in me because I can't do it. But I took that to mean that I don't have to do anything thing, because the Spirit will do it. I just have to be available, which looks like waiting around and "being open." But there is so much ambiguity to those words! I have to "make every effort!" There is work that I gotta do too. And the work is not to try to make myself able or qualified. My work is to focus on God and on trying to be holy. Where I end, He begins. Though that still sounds confusing, because in trying to be holy, aren't I trying to make myself able or qualified?

Lord, help me to understand, because I'm still trying to get the work that I am supposed to do. I cannot do things in my own strength, but I also cannot sit around expecting You to do something without my effort. Help me to know what it means to make the effort in Your strength. I also ask that You would help me to not take pride in myself or in my walk with You. Would You help me to be humble, that I would not take pride in my humility or even claim it? Would You Lord, give me the sincere desire for all the glory to go directly to You? ALL of it? I pray that I would not have the desire to be in the spolight, to be recognized, to receive compliments. And that when I am in the spotlight, am recognized, and do receive compliments, please may I deflect all the credit and glory straight up to You. Praise Yahweh, You are worthy of the glory and the credit! Help me to truly accept and believe that. And may I desire for Your Name to be glorifired. Not just in my head Lord, but in my heart. In the Name of Christ I pray, Let It Be So.

So yup, this is just a little of what God is doing in my heart and in my life. As difficult as following Him is at times, I am glad to be a Christian. And I am excited to reflect in the future on how much further He has brought me. Glory to God!

-janell
4:45 pm

God of Transformation

God is so AWESOME.

This post is just one of thanksgiving. God has been breaking down things in me and refining me. And my satisfaction, increasingly, is in Him. The song I will Exalt You by Hillsong is becoming a greater reality. God is shaping my faith and redirecting my steps so that He is my refuge and my hiding place... my treasure. And this going back to God is different from than in the chapel days. In the chapel days, I did not have a desire to go back into the world. But now, I understand that I am to go back out, that I am to be a light in the darkness. My quiet place is to be a time of rejuvenation for the purpose of going back out into the world. In '09, I had a burning desire for others to know Christ, yet I did not know how to take what God had given me and share it with others. When I was going to all the different churches during my senior year of high school, I wasn't going with the mentality of How do I take what God has taught me here and blessed me with back home so that I can be a representative of Christ at 100 Alcott? I treated church as an escape rather than as a refilling of oil in my lamp to be a light at home. I was not even thinking like that. I just wanted to get away and church and the chapel were just that.

And you know, maybe I needed to be at that stage for a while. For God was training me and teaching me as I hopped from church to church. Teaching me so much -- I will never fully know why I had to go through the experiences that I went through or why I had to learn things the way that I did. But God in His wisdom just... did it all. I was thinking the other day of how much God has to transform in me but then it hit me... He has already transformed me. The person that I was when I accepted Christ for real at the altar that Sunday in November 2006, is sooooo different than the person I am now! I am bolder, I am more enthusiastic, I am more passionate, I understand my faith and Christ's relevancy and character on a much greater level (I did not fully grasp much of that stuff when I was starting out), I love God more and God has deepened my understanding of what it means for Him to love me. And YES, I have a much MUCH longer way to go. But God has brought me far already. This is significant and noticeable change from Janell 2006/2007 to Janell 2011. All the work of God. Hallelujah. Thank You God for being a transforming God, not one who is content with me as I am but who wants to change be for the better. For the honor and glory of Your Name. Show me what that means Lord. And may I be on board with bringing glory to Your Name and not my own. Hallelujah!

Thank You Jesus. You are truly great and wonderful. Thank You SO MUCH for loving me! You are the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known. Thank You for being constant and perfect in character. Thank You for being reliable and true to Your word. Thank You that I lack nothing in You! Thank You that though so many things will fall away, YOU remain, and that is enough. Hallelujah, Lord You are too good! Blessed be the Name of the Lord! May You be lifted up in every season of life, exalted no matter what. Though I waver, You remain the same and You are always worthy of worship. Thank You Lord! How great is my God!

AMEN.

God is the Most Organized Being EVER

So!

Ever feel like you had a failed witness moment?

Well, I wonder if there even is such a thing. God is so cool that He even uses our blunders.

Anyway! What is this journal entry about?

The CRAZY AWESOME ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS OF MY GOD!!!

Well, that and His cool wisdom and amazing planning abilities.

Between 2 and 3 months ago, I got a letter calling me to do my duty as a citizen and serve as a juror.

Yaaaaay.

But I decided not to run away from it. I filled out the letter withing the week that I got it (Mom was so vex, it was annoying). I decided to do as I've heard the Bible says, which is "obey the laws of the land" and the law says that citizens have to serve as jurors (Ah ha! Romans 13:1-7 and 1 Peter 2:13-17 -- obey them laws!).

So this week (yesterday actually) I began my day as a juror. So really, after the orientation, you just sit in the room and wait for them to call you. It's quite boring. I took the 5 train there and ended up getting off a stop early (3 Av-149 St) by accident. As I took the long walk to the courthouse, I met a man who was homeless sitting in a lil' bench area. His name was James. I gave him a bag of chips (Cheetos I pretty sure) and some information on the Bowery. I asked him if he'd heard about the Bowery and he said yeah. He was asking if they help you get an apartment and I was telling him that they provide him with food and a place to sleep, job training, and they help you find a job. I went into the whole 6 month detail and stuff. I think I was trying to be politically correct/not insulting, so I ended up rambling a little bit. But it was all good. I asked him if he had any prayer requests and he said for an apartment. Then I asked if I could pray with him and he was like "How long is this gonna take?" Lol, I said "Not long." And we prayed and I left him.

I am grateful to God for that opportunity and that I had something to give to him, even though he was not asking for anything. And God blessed me, because I was late to jury duty by like 40 minutes (I was supposed to be there by 9) and they closed the doors about 5-10 minutes after I arrived. Haaaaalellujah.

I was called along with 19 other people and put aside as a prospective juror for what they call summary trials, also known as 1 day trials. Basically, trials they try to get done in one day. So I got out early yesterday. Today, I was not selected, or even interviewed to do the trial, but they were done with me for jury duty so I got my proof of service and was out. $80 for two days, or as Nicky put it, "for being obedient."

Anyway, I am rambling. How does this relate to God being organized? Well, today, I went looking for James on my way back from jury duty. I had peaches to give him, but he was not there. Anyway, God did not let my extra steps go to waste (because it was indeed a walk). When I got to the 3-Av-149 St, there was a crew of people around available for prayer. I get encouraged whenever I meet people like that. Anyway, the guy I prayed with was Randy. I asked him to pray that I would trust God more than my fear. He gave me this awesome booklet that presents the gospel similar to the way that the circle diagram does but with colors, it's really cool. With the booklet, I got a bracelet with colored beads representing each color. Real dope stuff.

Anyway, after I parted, I went downstairs to swipe through the turnstile, just missing the train, wasn't rushin' it though. I ended up siting next to a woman. I was reading through the booklet and God was nudging me to give it to her. I saw her wiping her leg with an alcohol swab and asked her if she fell and she said no, it was a mosquito bite. I went back to reading the pamphlet and gave it to her when I finished. She was reading it so intently! And I was praying that the seed would fall on good soil, that birds would not snatch it up, not thorns choke it or the Satan take hold of it. It was a beautiful thing.

Anyway, she commented that the booklet really beautiful. I gave her the bracelet and explained it. She asked me if I go to church in the Bronx and I explained that I did. Also said that they had a Spanish speaking service. I was about to pull out a pen, but she had to get off! And I was sooo tight later on because it dawned on me that I should have gotten off with her to write it down for her!!!!! I wasn't in a rush to go anywhere. This is where I felt like I failed as a witness >.< And I didn't but man! She asked me what street my church was on and I was like "227th Street, Bronx Bethany Church of the Nazarene, 227th." Man, I hope she remembers/I get to see her somehow again. She was so interested! She said she reads the Bible and stuff too.

I need to pray for her and trust that God is tending the soil. It's so hard for me to not be like, I failed! I should have gotten off the train! but this is something that I need to trust God with and give over to Him completely. I guess part of me just wishes that I could see her again and hear her testimony. In my head I was like, I said 227th street, but there's maaaad churches on 227th street. Oh yeah, I need to let this go.

?

So how does aaaaalllll this translate to the organized/incredibly planning of my God? From meeting James, to looking for him the next day, not finding him but God blessing me with prayer and a gospel tract on my journey and giving me the opportunity to give it to a woman who was fed and most definitely blessed... and this is all 'cause of the jury duty that I was called to do 2-3 months ago.... how awesome is God! Not saying that all this was predestined, because God does not need me to do anything. He could have used another, or met James and the other woman through another means. God would have done that. But He chose to use me with each of them. Thank You Lord for the boldness and lack of fear. And thank You for doing it step by step. God equipped and prepared with the tract to give to the woman. And now I have to lean on Him to do the rest. How wise and prepared You are God! This chain of events just awed me. I was saying "Wow" over and over again after she got off the train.

Lord Jesus, I thank You for being such an organized and careful God! And I thank You for having Your light shine through me through interactions that I've had with people these past two days. And I thank You for being with me through it all! Thank You Spirit for being gentle with me and for bettering my understanding of You. Thank You for the $80 for being obedient and that jury duty is over. Lord, even though I wanted to have a chill summer without much challenge, I thank You for saying no to that and challenging me anyway. Blessed be Your Name Lord God. In the Holy and Powerful Name of Jesus I pray with gratitude, Amen.

10:27 PM

♪ I-Need-To-Learn-How-To-Loooove ♪

*Note - The title is to be sung to the hook of the song "Find Me Somebody To Love" by Queen.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
Thomas Merton

I re-learned today that I don't love people. And I do not allow them to love me. I do not allow people (not everyone anyway) to be totally themselves when they are around me, and I am not totally myself when I am with other people.

I am overly concerned with how I seem to other people. I want to be liked by all. When I reach a certain level of comfortability and security with a person, I begin to lax a bit and a different "me" emerges. A rough, stubborn, sour-faced Janell. Yet, should those things be hidden? And if so, why don't I hide it from those who know me best (humph... maybe because they know me best...)? Better question, why do those closest see the worst side? Not even a less put together version of the outer me, but a different person all-together?

What's the next step? Bring the Nelly on the outside, inside or bring the Nelly inside, outside? Nah. The next step is to redefine-- nope, not redefine-- seek my identity in Christ. To pray that He would transform my heart so that there would be visible changes in my attitude-- a transformation from the inside, out. And the visible change is not for my own praise and need to draw people to me. This visible change is necessary so that people, in my family, among my close friends, and on the outside, can experience Christ's love through me in a more genuine and consistent way. Authenticity and consistency (such an important word!) are only possible by the Spirit; these things I cannot accomplish in my own strength.

By the Spirit meaning that He does a transforming work in me, transformation of my heart and transformation of my character so that the things that appear on the outside are a direct reflection of what's going on inside and so that it also does not feel like I'm putting up a front. It's all natural because it's who I am: Christ.

Lord, please do it. Please teach me how to love and please teach me what it means have my identity in You Lord. Hallelujah. Amen.

I Will Exalt You God.

I will exalt Thee

I will exalt Thee

I will exalt Thee

You are my God.

Today is the day Lord. The day I tell this kid what I feel for him. Bleck, lol. The tears want to come out of my eyes. Jesus, I don't want to do it. And there is a sadness in me, because I cannot pretend anymore. Spirit, in my brokenness, would You please speak anyway? Lord, I am sorry that I resisted for so long. But in my obedience to You, would You bless me? May I not fear.

Because You're with me

Because You're with me

Because You're with me

I will not fear.

I am still like, why do I really have to do this? But Lord, who am I to question Your plan? You have proven Yourself faithful to me in the past. In that moment when You told me to forgive Jeremy and DeShana, I could not imagine the good that would result from that. I thought that it was something that I was supposed to do for them, that it wasn't fair that I had to stop holding against them what they did. But God, I am the person that I am now because You told me to do that and because I listened! I could not imagine in that moment the change that would happen in me, or the beauty of mending relationships after so much pain resulted from them. And all You did was tell me to do one thing: let go. And even that wasn't something that I had to do on my own. You were with me through it all. Through it ALL.

So Lord, I pray that even in this situation, I would trust You and obey You. I pray that even though I have fear, I would do what You have called me to do, even with that fear. May I understand what fear really is; a shadow that can do no harm. The shadow that makes it look like there's a monster, when really there is just a cricket. Praise Yahweh. I thank You for calling me to be strong and courageous and that You promise to be with me wherever I go. May I be so aware of Your presence with me. Always, not just in this situation. In all things, not just with this talk.

I will exalt You

You are my God.

I love You Jesus. And I pray that I would love You through obedience. I pray that You would begin to change my heart for G. That I would love Him deeply with Christ's love and that my feelings would soon fall away. I pray for a contentment and thorough satisfaction in the greatest love story ever told, the greatest love ever known. I have no idea what Your plans are with this conversation, I only hope that I am not too late in carrying out what You have called me to do.

I pray for peace and boldness. I pray for an awareness of the victory. I pray that I will be ever-aware of who I am in Christ-- what can man do to a daughter of God? What man can tamper and taint the person I am in Jesus the Lord? In His Name, I can do all things. In the character and person of God, I CAN DO ALL THINGS. Etch that into my heart Lord.

Be with me as I go Lord. Be with me in the pain and the hurt and the tears. In the past, I have experienced such joy in the morning, such peace after the storm. I look forward to Your blessing of peace and thank You for it. Thank You for loving me Lord, may I be ever aware of Your deep, wide, high, long Love for me x).

My hiding place

My safe refuge

My treasure Lord

You Are.