It's difficult when you are in a marriage and two people are focused on themselves. It defeats the whole person of getting married. Marriage is supposed to be about the "two becoming one," the two honoring each other, the two bringing out the best in each other.

It's frustrating to hear my parents talk. Mostly my mom. There is such a focus on her own hurts that my father becomes an enemy and it affects the way that she approaches him. They're not good friends. Though her pain is valid, as is his, as Christians, we give up our attachment to it, our right to it.
____________12:18 pm

I hope for God to heal their marriage. To shatter the lens through which they see their marriage and each other. Because if not, they will never move on. They need to move on...

My God...

...is bigger than my fear of fish.
...big enough to save the members of my family.
...big enough to help me plan well for the new semester.
...big enough to help me get a job this summer.
...is able to increase my capacity to love.
...is able to enable to extend grace in abundance to my family members.
...will help me to plan for my Dad'd 60th birthday celebration.
...will make whole the marriage of my parents.
...will heal my sister's brokenness.
...is molding my heart.
...is fulfilling the purpose He wants to fulfill through me.
...loves me.
...is drawing me nearer to Him this summer.
...is revealing and will reveal Himself to me.
...is making me grow.
...is worthy of my trust.
...is trustworthy.
...is the One by whom i am defined.
...is the Keeper of Promises.
...is the Wow-er of nations and peoples.
...is upholding me.
...is faithful to me.
...hears my cries.
...listens to my disjointed, incoherent, unpoised, all-over-the-place prayers.
...is a Person that i don't have to fix myself up for
...loves me as i am.
...is someone that i am incredibly grateful for.

What would i do without You Lord?

You are the One who understands why i cry.
You understand my fears.
You, more than anyone else, have my best interest at Your Heart.
i am dear to You; You keep me near You.
Every pain that i go through You turn around for my good and for Your glory.
Everyone else in whom i have placed my identity has failed me. But You never have, nor have You forsaken me.
You do not hold my sin against me nor view me in light of my sin.
You want peace for me, not turmoil.

I know that I will not be destroyed. Though i am weak, though the world is oppressive, though i struggle against myself and am often confused,

YOU

are my God and I will never be destroyed.

You are bigger than all of my problems,
all of my fears,
all of my doubts,
and You will accomplish Your will for my own life
and Your will for this world through my life.

I am Yours Lord. I am Yours.

As I prayed in the chapel 3 years ago, I pray now:
Use me Lord, please use me.
I want to be a part of Your revolution.
People need to know You; use me Lord!
People need to know Your Love.

O praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead!
Glory to Yahweh, now and moreforever.

Bronx Blues

I am so frustrated.

I am totally not adjusting to the Bronx at all. I always have this struggle when I come back home. There is no structure, no steadiness, no consistency. I do not have a church home-base, a Christian community that I can return to. My household is not of people with whom I can talk about God. My days are not structured. I can't get to a place where I root myself because as soon as I am settle, it's time to move again. I frustrated with all the in-my-face brokenness and I ask God "Where are You?!" Grace Baptist Chapel has been again for twenty-somethin' years and what impact have we had on the community? Nothing is consistent with them; we don't make nursing home visits anymore, we do not have a consistent youth fellowship, we don't do health fairs anymore, and a slew of other things. What impact have we have on this community that we have been in for more than 20 years?

Whatevs. Sovereign Lord, PLEASE do you thing.

And then with Bronx Bethany, I've been going there for almost 3 years, and I still don't feel part of that community. It's so frustrating. Cliquish.Wtheck, the Body of Christ can't be cliquish! Watevs. Sovereign Lord, help me to give this over to you.

I'm tired. Good bye.

4:21 pm

When you walked upon the Earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt.
I know You hate to see me cry... One day You will make all things right.

Yes.

One day You will make all things right.

Even the slight, comparatively small pangs of hurt that I feel.

In whose being am I?

Christ's Being. My Savior and my God. You alone are the basis of my identity, of my core. Lord, light and salvation.... not only whom shall I fear.... actually, yes, whom shall I fear? The Lord God Almighty, and Him alone. My fountains are in You.

So when I receive a hurtful look from GSB or feel minimal feelings of shame/insecurity for hanging out with JKS openly and publicly, I THANK YOU GOD that my identity rests neither in those things nor in those people.

Please help me to enjoy You today in community as I watch, listen, and rest at 25 Mill Street.

In Christ's Holy Name I pray, Amen.
_____________________________
Thank You Jesus. I feel a lot better. Thank You that I can pray to You and praise You at any time at all! And thank You that You always listen. Please remind me of that truth; You always listen.

Alleluia. Amen.

Tired

Happy New Year. Yay.

I'm tired. Tired, tired.

Wait, let me start with praise.

Jesus, You are good. Thank You for Your love. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Constant and never-changing. You are, You were, and will be. Alleluia. Praise be to God always. Always and forever and ever, Amen.

I am mentally exhausted. My head is spinning round and round, to the point where my sleep was even kind of weird, and that does not really happen. I don't know if I can say that it was restful. My head is just going! I am so grateful that NSO week is over, there has been so much running up and down. I want to rest. I want to do homework. Like, I actually want to do homework. Please help me to steward my time well Lord Jesus. To make use of every hour, Alleluia. I need Your help. Please help me to not just get though, but to learn, especially in Spanish class. I really want to learn. Would I try and when I fail, take those failures in stride and with my head held up high. HalleluJah Lord, Praise Yahweh.

Man. In Christ's Name I pray.

Amen.

12:51 pm.

Night is Coming; Bring Glory to Your Name

So Jesus says in John 9:3-5 in regards to the man born blind from birth,

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

Night is coming, when no one can work. That's an important sentence. I do not live as though night is coming. Lord, bless me with the understanding that Your Gospel is a sweet, but urgent, message. And would urgency not turn into fear or hurriedness, but action. Active, rather than passive, action.

Jesus, You are the light of the world. And You are still in the world. Please stay in the world a little longer. Bless people who are outside of You with opportunities to come to faith. Hear the prayers of Your people, who intercede on behalf of those who do not know You. Call people to intercede for New York City, for victims of slavery, for the poor. Break the hearts of Christians in America for what breaks Yours. For those who claim to see, but who are actually blind, please give them sight. Show them their blindness and direct them to You.

For those who are blind, suffering, in pain (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental), deaf to the truth, Call and Shout! Break through their deafness. Shatter darkness and wash away blindness. Give multiple opportunities for second birth Lord, out of Your patience and love and the depth of Your kindness. I pray this would not be a kissup prayer. You are really patient and supremely loving, and so kind. You desire for ALL to know Christ! So please heal. Hearts, bodies, minds Jesus! In the Name of Jesus, the Name that CONQUERED Death. Display the work of God in the lives of those who are hurting and need help. Bring glory to Your Name even through the sin and the pain. Prove true the love of those who follow You; deepen our love for You Father. Draw us close to You.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.

2:01 pm

Peace and Love in 29D?...NOT!

I did not realize how much patience I lacked until I came back home.

OH MY GOSH THESE PEOPLE DRIVE ME OUT OF MYSELF (LITERALLY!).

I come back to 29D, and all these things are stripped from me:

Unlimited freedom (which is expected, I'm not even upset about that)

A bed

Space to get away for when I need to chillax

Cleanliness

And it's driving me bonkers! Home is the complete opposite of Bing; in Bing, I'm free to be myself; at 29D, I am choked. Who I am can't breathe, so then I become miserable and add to the dissent already present in the household.

How do I take the peace of the Kingdom of God with me?

I HAVE TO DO MY QUIET TIMES EVERYDAY!!!!!

That is the only way who I am will breathe, the only way!! Or else she will have to live in suffocation until the next time she can get to church and ultimately until she goes back to Bing. I'm sorry, but I need my air. Like, I NEED my AIR. Or else a monster will truly emerge.

Also, there are some absurdities that have emerged naturally that have caused me to say uh-uh, NO for when I raise my kids. Like, today is Christmas and Rochelle, Noel, Kirk, and Ricardo are coming over for breakfast. So what happens? NOW we clean. And now we make space in the room to pull out the extra bed because Janell is not sleeping in the living room. I mean like, messes that have accumulated over so much time are just now being cleaned and why-- because we have guests coming over? FOOLish-NESS! Nah-suh, no way. Uh-uh! Not happening in my household! What kind of message does that send to my daughter? Welcome-back-but-not-really; that's what it says to me. I don't want to come home then if I have the opportunity to stay in Bing or elsewhere for a break! The past few days, I've been considering doing NYCUP summer for the precise reason that I'll have good housing for a month out of the summer. My own bed, my own space.

Anyway, peace of God, peace of God! Take it with you wherever you go! Love everybody!

Man, family is the hardest to love! Geez!!!!

Ugh, peace and Merry Jesusmas -___-

12:47 am.

Apt. 29D

9:17 pm

29D, here I am again. I am upset. I was/kinda am not looking forward to the transtion from college life to life back in Co-Op for several reasons. 1, there are incredible amounts of brokenness. When I look at the physical condition and the faces of the people who walk the streets, I am burdened. 2, it is hard to freely be Christian here. I realize in this moment that I have to be very careful about sharing my enthusiasm about things I care about. For example, I am so amped that Google gave 11.5 million dollars to fight sex slavery and I expressed that to Nicky and she gave a look to Matthew like "Oh wow, here she goes." And like, it's not a huge deal, but I'm not going to encourage that ostracization anymore. 3, and the most annoying, is the amount of freedom that I lose when I come back home -_____-. At 9 o'clock, I wanted to go over to Dreaiser to say hi to Circle of Christ people after the youth service and she said no. And it all boils down to the fact that I am a girl. I am really annoyed and frustrated right now. It is not fair. I do not care if NJ has a penis, why is it that he can do what he wants for however long hewants with Destiny and when I come home from a college, where I have all the free reign in the world, I can't go say hi to friends real quick??? And I am not saying that I hould have the freedom to do whatever I want to when I come home just because I experience it at school. That is incredibly unrealistic to expect. But dag, can I get something??? This ain't happening for six weeks. Lord, I most definitely do not want to honor my parents (mostly mother) in this at all; it is not fair at all. What should I do? Because I want to honor You, but I do not want to lose my freedom. But if that brings glory to You, help me to suck it up, because honor and glory to Your Name trumps all. But anger, bitterness, and resentment is already stirring, and willl definitely fester if You do not help me. I am really mad at the double standard, really mad. But I pray that this, and the fact that I won't sleep in my own bed for six weeks, won't distract from me resting this break and growing in You. Help me to submit to You. Calm my heart, and calm my mind, especially the part that wants to emerge as a feminist.

GRARH!

Anyway, there are such bigger things to think about! Like praying about the brokenness that I see in the Bronx and praying for people and praying for transformation in Binghamton U, and even the Greater Binghamton area, and the Bronx. I need to be training and seeking God about doing Outreach Committee this semester. I need to be pouring into Taylor and Dontae. So much to do, and an exciting journey to take head on. Ain't got time for this crap.

So Lord, thank You for this time to devote solely to You. Like, I have the freedom to devote all of my time to You solely. Thank You! I pray that You would help me to steward my time extremely/incredibly WELL and teach me the things You need me to know. Help me to intercede on behalf of my brothers and sisters throughout the break and to pour into people, though we may be separated by distance. Fill me up real good God. Help me to do the things that need to be done, but help me to focus on You. Would I not lose focus on You at all Lord. Keep my eyes on You Lord. KEEP MY EYES ON YOU LORD.

Ah sigh.... Halleluuujah.

And I will sing

HALLELUJAH

Let the praises ring

HALLELUJAH

To the King of Kings

HALLELUJAH.

Amen.

________________________________________________

10:04 pm

And I realized... I need to pray for my family to. I need to pray for my family. Let it be so.

To the Glory of God

Sigh.

Looooord!

Bleh! Studying for Anthropology??? I don't want to! Like I really don't want to.

Romans 12:11

Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.

T_T

Moreover, I have to help Iverem pack, but I REALLY don't want to!!! I REALLY DON'T WANT TO! How to love her with genuine affection (Romans 12:10)? I don't know know Lord.

Sigh.

Please help me honor You through studying and through helping her pack. May I not be irritable when I talk with her; may she experience the love of the Lord through my help and service. Ugh... can You make it so that I at least get to share the gospel? Share more of who You are? That might make it a little bit easier and me less irritable. Seriously Holy Spirit, please take over for realz; take my spirit, take my emotions, take my mind and bend them to Your will as I help her pack. May they be bent on glorifying God through this time with her and through studying to the best of my ability Lord. Help me Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit!

AAAAAA-MEN!!!!! (= LET IIIIIIT BE SO!!!!)

2:49 pm

Large Group 11.11.11

Ugh.

This weekend is not so fun.

So Nicky is here for the weekend. And I am a terrible host. It's like, I did not slow down to really hang out with her. My life did not change; I am going about my business, except there's a person there now. And I just don't feel good about it. And today's Large Group was very much frustrating for me. It was LONG, a bit disorganized, and just not representative of the Large Group in general. And I messed up at one point during worship where I called a repeat that did not happen because my mic was not loud enough.

Whatever, why am I writing about this. Despite what I felt, God moved.

God spoke to people through Large Group tonight. Regardless of how I felt about lg, God spoke. The Holy Spirit spoke. So my focus needs to stop being on how well things flowed or how smooth everything was. It has nothing to do with that, and it's not about me or the people in my fellowship either. It is all about God. Hallelujah.

Father, I pray that You will help me to focus on You and not on anything else. YOU and YOU alone. Hallelujah. Be with me later today as I seek to honor You through my interaction with my sister and through how I steward my time. I pray that You would orchestrate everything and that things would work out and work smoothly tomorrow. Oh Father. I ask for You to help me. In the Name of Christ I pray, Amen.

12:10 am.

Engage

So, Pastor Richy sent me this link for this project called Engage with the Willow Creek Community Association. I took a survey, similar to the one for Strengths Finder, except it's for your spiritual growth. Kind of helps you gauge where you are at spiritually. Here are my results.

My Portrait

Your Engage Life Survey highlights that you are a devoted believer whose life is centered on the person and life of Jesus Christ. Your walk with God is strong, your love for him is unquestioned, and your view of the world around you flows primarily from this deep connection. Through your well-established relationship with God, it is practically second nature for you to love him from the heart. Anything else is almost unthinkable—the old life you used to live apart from him is a distant memory. Core doctrines of the Christian faith form the basis of your understanding of what’s most true in life, and biblical teachings have become an integral part of your everyday living. For you, many forms of prayer—including honest confession of sin—are an almost daily reality. You frequently cultivate your connection to God through reading and reflecting on Scripture. Not surprisingly, hope and peace characterize most of your life as you naturally lean into God and trust in his provision. As the Psalmist says, your cup overflows and goodness and mercy are following in your wake. You have made an important spiritual transition: the “mind of Christ” is now the preeminent driving force in your life. You are increasingly living out of your new identity in Christ. People who are “free” do whatever they like; and to be free in Christ is to like the things he likes such that they are your natural first choice. You don’t even really need to think about it, because your wants and his are so frequently identical. That’s because your heart has been renewed to the extent the deepest desires in you line up with the desires of God himself. And even when you make mistakes, you realize how much that does not represent who you want to be at your core. You quickly get back on track, ready and willing to rejoin with God and his plan for you. Despite your deep, abiding connection with God, relationships with those you might naturally influence aren’t as strong as they might be considering your maturity. People can be disappointing, and given how much you enjoy God, it certainly is understandable that you might prefer his company to theirs. Once you increase your involvement with the needs of others and initiate meaningful, spiritual conversations with those who are far from God, you will see your fruitfulness increase dramatically. Also, despite your belief in and strong love for God, you still find yourself hesitant in taking steps to follow his call into risky territory. As you look to your ultimate destination in life, you realize your spiritual progress is also intended to be an inspiration to others who are not as far along in their journey. Jesus spoke of and modeled “making disciples” through connecting with a few people for the purpose of mentoring them in the ways of God. That is clearly going to be a growing opportunity for you, and will increasingly define the mark you make on the next generation of Christ-followers. Your personalized growth plan will help you live out more fully your identity in Christ in the context of community, take you to even greater levels of freedom, and guide you toward leaving a lasting legacy for God and his Kingdom.

My Next Step Themes

• Spiritual Coaching in Practice
  This theme deals with the importance of leaving a spiritual legacy. Your growth path includes learning about how to influence the next generation of Christ-followers so they too will carry the message of God’s love to your lost world and continue the progress of the gospel world-wide.
• Your Identity In Action in Community
  This theme deals with how your new identity in Christ spurs you on to get involved in ministry. Your growth path includes:
  • learning about how God’s new heart in you leads to service
  • comprehending the sweeping implications of the “one another” commands in the New Testament that will redefine how you relate to others
  • stepping into the exciting adventure of personal evangelism.
  
• Living Free
  This theme deals with how you keep your minds and souls free and unencumbered through focusing on core spiritual realities. Your growth path includes:
  • being reminded of your eternal home in heaven and the hope that infuses your life
  • learning to stay connected to God even in the midst of suffering
  • gaining freedom from your painful past by forgiving grudges.

P. Richy is testing this out to see if it would be something beneficial to Bronx Bethany. I am a part of the preliminary process, giving feedback about what works, what doesn't work. Here is the description of what Engage is:

It is an online tool that helps you engage in your spiritual growth, in spiritual friendships and conversations, and in relevant ways with your church community and the world around you. One key aspect is that you will receive an Engage Portrait© that helps you understand where you’re at spiritually and a direction for growth. It then provides personalized recommendations or next steps you should consider taking to grow. These are steps that will challenge you to learn, connect with others and pursue new experiences. While Engage brings a broad perspective, it is anchored by the opportunities, experiences, teaching, expertise and relationships that your church community has to offer.

So this'll be a cool process. A cool tool. That's the thing though; it's a tool. It is a tendency of my to try to fit descriptions of me. No longer.

-Salmon

7:15 pm.

Jesus be the Center, Your Presence is Heaven to me.

From my heart to the Heavens,

Jesus be the Center.

It's all about You;

Yes. It's all about You.

Bring me back to the Heart of Worship Lord.

It's all about You.

Engrain that in my heart. Etch that into my heart Lord. Hallelujah. You, You, You, You, it's all about You Jesus. Help me to give ALL THINGS over to You Lord. My first Love. My authentic Love. My Steadfast Love. My Identity. My source of joy. My Life. Jesus be the Center. It's all about You Lord! From my heart to the Heavens, Jesus be the Center, it's all about You, yes, it's all about You. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Amen Father.

You are the Center of my Life. You are the One I worship. Presence of the Living God, walk with me. Go with me Holy Spirit. I don't want to ever have to enter into Your Presence Lord. Consume me with Your Presence Lord that You may walk with me daily, moment by moment Father. I NEED YOU GOD!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Nothing in this world will satisfy,

But Jesus You're the Cup that won't run dry.

Go before me Lord. Walk with me Father. Never leave me Lord.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Where can I flee from Your Presence?

If I go to the Heavens You are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, You are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there Your Hand will guide me,

Your Right Hand will hold me fast.

You know me Father. Thank You for knowing me. Oh Jesus. Your Presence is Heaven to me.

Go with me Lord. Come with me. Follow me all the days of my life. Be my joy, be my strength.

Amen.

5:16 pm.

Saturday Thoughts

Today, I've been thinking about things.

One of those things is that I still have a concern about how others perceive me. I want to so much to get credit for things and to be esteemed highly in the sight of man. My self-image needs to be rooted n Christ alone, for realz.

Another thing has been my role as small group leader. I am not confident. I am not excited. I do not like it at all. It's been difficult because I do not have the kind of small group members that I thought I would have. I do not have small group members that are eager to be involved in the fellowship. That is hard. And so Lord, what are You teaching me? Revealing to me Father? What do You want me to do.

Trust You.

Try.

*Sigh* Father, please do the work. Help me to run, that I would not grow weary. To walk and not be faint. To hope in the Lord so that my strength would be renewed. Do this Lord, so that I can pursue my small group members so much more. And as You renew my strength, please increase my love for them God. Would my love and investment in them not be dependent on involved they are in IV. But would it be dependent on love. Help me to see everything in this life through the eyes of Christ. For realz, Lord. Eyes of God, with the understanding that everyone is worthy of love, of investment, because they are made in Your Image. The core of their identity is that they were made in Your Image. Forever would I know and be aware of that.

So Father, as I worship You and pray at this prayer and worship night, would speak. Would I hear You Father. Would I listen. Please break strongholds and set captives free! Hallelu Jah.

Amen.

5:59 pm

It's all about Jesus anyway.

It's all about You Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

There ispower in Your Name Father. And there is the greatest love in Your Name. I thank You that I have that. Though You take things away that I value greatly, many times too greatly, I thank You that I have You. You do not compare to anything that I over-appreciate. Help me to be satisfied with Your will and Your plan. I thank You that in bringing glory to Yourself, You also work things out for the good of those who love You.

It's all about You.

It's all about You.

Father, be the center of me. I want to be hidden so far deep into You. Please answer this prayer Lord. Would I be so rooted in Your love. Would I be in You.

Jesus, please help me to study. My focus has been diverted to the loss of community in J-man and all motivation I had to study hard has died. Help me to perserve in praise, through my lips and through this action of studying. Father, I can only do it through Jesus Christ. Please help me Lord.

I pray in Your Powerful Name,

Amen.

11:18 pm

Evan. Training 2

So,

At Evan. Training:

There were more ORC members present than non-ORC members.

Ratio:

4:3

But it's all good and I'm okay. It's not about me, it's not about the numbers. God did something through Evan. Training, whether we see it or not. Hallelujah.

1:17 am

Evan. Training/Circle Diagram

In about an hour and a half, Evangelism Training begins.

I'm okay.

Jesus taught my heart today that it's all about Jesus.

My incapabilities, my insecurities, will not stop God from doing what He's gonna do because it's all about Him. Hallelujah.

So I'm practicing this circle diagram. And I still don't feel ready. But I'm not bugging out. Father, please speak. Like, I really expect/know You are going to speak because these are Your children that You are equipping and teaching. You will not let them hear a false gospel. So speak Lord. Take over my nerves/anxiousness while I speak/leading up to the gospel presentation. There is power in Your Name and in the gospel! So affect and infect Dickinson small group with its truth. I am just Your vessel Lord. Wear me like a suit Jesus. Holy Spirit, do all the talking.

_______________________________________

We live in a broken world. There are big issues: homelessness, poverty, lack of water, economic injustice, sex trafficking, global warming, natural disasters, slavery, you name it. We look at these problems and we recognize them as wrong and we desire something better. If we have hunger, that suggests the existence of food. If we thirst, that suggests the existence of drink. The longing that we as people for a fixed world suggests that that either existed or will exist.

Christians believe that the world was at one point perfect. We were in right standing with God and with each other. We had each other's best interests at heart; our relationship with God, with each other, and with the world was whole. Everything was in harmony!

But we became selfish. We decided to place the focus on our own desires and our own interests, damaging our relationship with God and with each other. Sin, anything that hurts our relationship with God, was the curse that entered this world because of our selfishness.

So our world, which was designed for good, became damaged by evil.

However!

God in His love did not want us to stay in this state of brokenness. He sent Jesus, who was fully human and fully God, to come and restore the world. The cool thing about Jesus is that even though He was fully human, He did not have the curse of sin that humanity has. And so He was the perfect person to rectify our relationship with God. Even though He did not sin, He owned up to our sin and the price that we should have paid for it-- death. He died on a cross, and with Him dying He took all the crap with Him. He rose from the dead three days later, giving us freedom and hope. He offers forgiveness for our sin so that we don't have to be governed by the brokenness that is in the world. He gives us the opportunity to be restored to our relationship with God. So the world was restored for better.

What awesome though, is that it doesn't even end there! Jesus has sent us into the to heal! To bring the kingdom of God on earth. We cannot do this without Him, because we are still broken and sinful. We need God's healing and restoration for our own lives before we can be sent together to heal. And eventually, this world will be as it was, and there will not be any more evil and pain.

____________________________________________

Circle Diagram for the most part. Be with me as You share Lord God! May the hearts of Dickinson small group be receptive and open. May there be clarity and may the Holy Spirit have His Way. In the Name of Jesus I pray,

Amen.

6:10 pm

Beautiful Relation

Whoever that guy is supposed to be.... our relationship is going to be beautiful. Without the hype, the romanticism. Because of God, our relationship will be beautiful for what it is, not for what it's hyped up to be. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for transforming my eyes.

10:58 pm

Contentment in Christ=Freedom to Worship

Ah boy.

God is good yo. God is good.

I was hanging out with the Jer-man last night. Lately, I've been ancy and unsettled in my spirit because there is a lack of resolution between me and Garnett. On Sunday he said, "We may need to talk soon," and I said "Okay." So I was hoping that this conversation would signify the end of my wilderness. But Jer suggested that I might actually be on the verge of another breakthrough/level of distance/level of depth of understanding/growth. And so I am not out yet. Feels to easy though. Is that wrong to feel? I feel like I haven't felt enough pain yet to expect/ask for rain. But is it wrong to anticipate/expect pain in this way? Feels weird to think that way. I feel like it does not paint God in a right way. Dunno. Whatevs.

But I appreciate the clarity/some measure of understanding about what's been going on with me lately. Expedition was AWESOME. God was teaching me through Jonah 2 that I need to call out to Him when I am in distress, sacrifice with the voice of thanksgiving, and pay Him what I have vowed. He was renewing my spirit for sure. And then Monday came and midway through I crashed. Like, went down way low. I broke down with Kit before I led small group. It was not the best day. I am sick of fighting these insecure/low self-esteemish feelings when it comes to small group. And I keep having spiritual highs, then lows, emotional highs, than lows and it's icky man! But God is transforming my eyes and my heart. That kind of stuff don't come quick.

One thing I appreciate about Jer is that when I talk to him, he lets me talk and does not assume what I am going to say. And when he counsels me, he uses my own words, which in turn pieces discombobulated thoughts together. Lol. Thanks for not barking at me Jer! And thank you for keeping things real <3

So at the moment, I am really desiring contentment in Christ. Jon Chen and I are leading worship this Friday at large group and I'm really excited for it! We are expecting God to show up in a way that He has not before. We desire an atmosphere of worship. And Jer brought up a thought that what I'm going through has an effect on how I worship. And even though being expressive is how worship naturally, that is never fully realized when I am at IV because...I dunno, not the right atmosphere, environment? I don't know. Why is it that at BBCN I am so much freer and at IV I'm not? I think it's 'cause at BBCN I feel more one-ness with the people than I do I IV. At BB, you're gonna worship God no matter who is looking, no matter who's worshiping or not worshiping. At IV, we are conscious of others' beliefs, non-Christians who may be present, not being judged by others. But I want to worship! And I am going to worship. The Lord is shaping our identity so that we don't look to each other or the university community to determine how we do things, but to God alone. And worship is one of those things that should not be compromised for anything. It is all about God; exalting Him, being brought back to the understanding that we are called to worship Him, and reminding ourselves of what God did to save us from condemnation. Feelings of nervousness and concern about what others think should not infiltrate our worship AT ALL.

Yeah. Excited for tomorrow.

Trying to think of verses to share. What would You have me share Lord?

Anywayz.

Peace.

5:15 pm

Friends and Men

GRARH!

Oh-Em-GEE!

This ain't all that serious. But come on man!

So my friend is really pretty. She is really sweet and has an extremely killer voice. And that's great. But she's, like, milking up all the guys! You know that rule, that you can't date your friend's ex. So when your friend is dating all the guys you see potential in/find attractive, great for you! Every person I've been like Hmm, there's some chance there I have to write off in my mind because they are taken or have been taken by her. Agh!

And I laugh at this and say Really God? not in a depressing way but in a hah-hah-very-funny way. Oh the life of a single, Christian, little woman!

12:33

Oh sigh. I guess that it's a good thing though. Instead of seeing these guys as potential others, I'll be able to appreciate their community way more because I won't be thinking about what need he can fulfill or how we'll fit together. Will let You do Your thing, God. Will let You do Your thing.

My Name Means...

Janell - God is gracious (Hebrew)

Alicia - Noble, Exalted (Old German)

Salmon - Peace (Hebrew)