Apt. 29D

9:17 pm

29D, here I am again. I am upset. I was/kinda am not looking forward to the transtion from college life to life back in Co-Op for several reasons. 1, there are incredible amounts of brokenness. When I look at the physical condition and the faces of the people who walk the streets, I am burdened. 2, it is hard to freely be Christian here. I realize in this moment that I have to be very careful about sharing my enthusiasm about things I care about. For example, I am so amped that Google gave 11.5 million dollars to fight sex slavery and I expressed that to Nicky and she gave a look to Matthew like "Oh wow, here she goes." And like, it's not a huge deal, but I'm not going to encourage that ostracization anymore. 3, and the most annoying, is the amount of freedom that I lose when I come back home -_____-. At 9 o'clock, I wanted to go over to Dreaiser to say hi to Circle of Christ people after the youth service and she said no. And it all boils down to the fact that I am a girl. I am really annoyed and frustrated right now. It is not fair. I do not care if NJ has a penis, why is it that he can do what he wants for however long hewants with Destiny and when I come home from a college, where I have all the free reign in the world, I can't go say hi to friends real quick??? And I am not saying that I hould have the freedom to do whatever I want to when I come home just because I experience it at school. That is incredibly unrealistic to expect. But dag, can I get something??? This ain't happening for six weeks. Lord, I most definitely do not want to honor my parents (mostly mother) in this at all; it is not fair at all. What should I do? Because I want to honor You, but I do not want to lose my freedom. But if that brings glory to You, help me to suck it up, because honor and glory to Your Name trumps all. But anger, bitterness, and resentment is already stirring, and willl definitely fester if You do not help me. I am really mad at the double standard, really mad. But I pray that this, and the fact that I won't sleep in my own bed for six weeks, won't distract from me resting this break and growing in You. Help me to submit to You. Calm my heart, and calm my mind, especially the part that wants to emerge as a feminist.

GRARH!

Anyway, there are such bigger things to think about! Like praying about the brokenness that I see in the Bronx and praying for people and praying for transformation in Binghamton U, and even the Greater Binghamton area, and the Bronx. I need to be training and seeking God about doing Outreach Committee this semester. I need to be pouring into Taylor and Dontae. So much to do, and an exciting journey to take head on. Ain't got time for this crap.

So Lord, thank You for this time to devote solely to You. Like, I have the freedom to devote all of my time to You solely. Thank You! I pray that You would help me to steward my time extremely/incredibly WELL and teach me the things You need me to know. Help me to intercede on behalf of my brothers and sisters throughout the break and to pour into people, though we may be separated by distance. Fill me up real good God. Help me to do the things that need to be done, but help me to focus on You. Would I not lose focus on You at all Lord. Keep my eyes on You Lord. KEEP MY EYES ON YOU LORD.

Ah sigh.... Halleluuujah.

And I will sing

HALLELUJAH

Let the praises ring

HALLELUJAH

To the King of Kings

HALLELUJAH.

Amen.

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10:04 pm

And I realized... I need to pray for my family to. I need to pray for my family. Let it be so.