My God...

...is bigger than my fear of fish.
...big enough to save the members of my family.
...big enough to help me plan well for the new semester.
...big enough to help me get a job this summer.
...is able to increase my capacity to love.
...is able to enable to extend grace in abundance to my family members.
...will help me to plan for my Dad'd 60th birthday celebration.
...will make whole the marriage of my parents.
...will heal my sister's brokenness.
...is molding my heart.
...is fulfilling the purpose He wants to fulfill through me.
...loves me.
...is drawing me nearer to Him this summer.
...is revealing and will reveal Himself to me.
...is making me grow.
...is worthy of my trust.
...is trustworthy.
...is the One by whom i am defined.
...is the Keeper of Promises.
...is the Wow-er of nations and peoples.
...is upholding me.
...is faithful to me.
...hears my cries.
...listens to my disjointed, incoherent, unpoised, all-over-the-place prayers.
...is a Person that i don't have to fix myself up for
...loves me as i am.
...is someone that i am incredibly grateful for.

What would i do without You Lord?

You are the One who understands why i cry.
You understand my fears.
You, more than anyone else, have my best interest at Your Heart.
i am dear to You; You keep me near You.
Every pain that i go through You turn around for my good and for Your glory.
Everyone else in whom i have placed my identity has failed me. But You never have, nor have You forsaken me.
You do not hold my sin against me nor view me in light of my sin.
You want peace for me, not turmoil.

I know that I will not be destroyed. Though i am weak, though the world is oppressive, though i struggle against myself and am often confused,

YOU

are my God and I will never be destroyed.

You are bigger than all of my problems,
all of my fears,
all of my doubts,
and You will accomplish Your will for my own life
and Your will for this world through my life.

I am Yours Lord. I am Yours.

As I prayed in the chapel 3 years ago, I pray now:
Use me Lord, please use me.
I want to be a part of Your revolution.
People need to know You; use me Lord!
People need to know Your Love.

O praise the One who paid my debt
And raised this life up from the dead!
Glory to Yahweh, now and moreforever.

Bronx Blues

I am so frustrated.

I am totally not adjusting to the Bronx at all. I always have this struggle when I come back home. There is no structure, no steadiness, no consistency. I do not have a church home-base, a Christian community that I can return to. My household is not of people with whom I can talk about God. My days are not structured. I can't get to a place where I root myself because as soon as I am settle, it's time to move again. I frustrated with all the in-my-face brokenness and I ask God "Where are You?!" Grace Baptist Chapel has been again for twenty-somethin' years and what impact have we had on the community? Nothing is consistent with them; we don't make nursing home visits anymore, we do not have a consistent youth fellowship, we don't do health fairs anymore, and a slew of other things. What impact have we have on this community that we have been in for more than 20 years?

Whatevs. Sovereign Lord, PLEASE do you thing.

And then with Bronx Bethany, I've been going there for almost 3 years, and I still don't feel part of that community. It's so frustrating. Cliquish.Wtheck, the Body of Christ can't be cliquish! Watevs. Sovereign Lord, help me to give this over to you.

I'm tired. Good bye.

4:21 pm

When you walked upon the Earth, You healed the broken, lost, and hurt.
I know You hate to see me cry... One day You will make all things right.

Yes.

One day You will make all things right.

Even the slight, comparatively small pangs of hurt that I feel.

In whose being am I?

Christ's Being. My Savior and my God. You alone are the basis of my identity, of my core. Lord, light and salvation.... not only whom shall I fear.... actually, yes, whom shall I fear? The Lord God Almighty, and Him alone. My fountains are in You.

So when I receive a hurtful look from GSB or feel minimal feelings of shame/insecurity for hanging out with JKS openly and publicly, I THANK YOU GOD that my identity rests neither in those things nor in those people.

Please help me to enjoy You today in community as I watch, listen, and rest at 25 Mill Street.

In Christ's Holy Name I pray, Amen.
_____________________________
Thank You Jesus. I feel a lot better. Thank You that I can pray to You and praise You at any time at all! And thank You that You always listen. Please remind me of that truth; You always listen.

Alleluia. Amen.

Tired

Happy New Year. Yay.

I'm tired. Tired, tired.

Wait, let me start with praise.

Jesus, You are good. Thank You for Your love. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Constant and never-changing. You are, You were, and will be. Alleluia. Praise be to God always. Always and forever and ever, Amen.

I am mentally exhausted. My head is spinning round and round, to the point where my sleep was even kind of weird, and that does not really happen. I don't know if I can say that it was restful. My head is just going! I am so grateful that NSO week is over, there has been so much running up and down. I want to rest. I want to do homework. Like, I actually want to do homework. Please help me to steward my time well Lord Jesus. To make use of every hour, Alleluia. I need Your help. Please help me to not just get though, but to learn, especially in Spanish class. I really want to learn. Would I try and when I fail, take those failures in stride and with my head held up high. HalleluJah Lord, Praise Yahweh.

Man. In Christ's Name I pray.

Amen.

12:51 pm.

Night is Coming; Bring Glory to Your Name

So Jesus says in John 9:3-5 in regards to the man born blind from birth,

"Neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

Night is coming, when no one can work. That's an important sentence. I do not live as though night is coming. Lord, bless me with the understanding that Your Gospel is a sweet, but urgent, message. And would urgency not turn into fear or hurriedness, but action. Active, rather than passive, action.

Jesus, You are the light of the world. And You are still in the world. Please stay in the world a little longer. Bless people who are outside of You with opportunities to come to faith. Hear the prayers of Your people, who intercede on behalf of those who do not know You. Call people to intercede for New York City, for victims of slavery, for the poor. Break the hearts of Christians in America for what breaks Yours. For those who claim to see, but who are actually blind, please give them sight. Show them their blindness and direct them to You.

For those who are blind, suffering, in pain (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental), deaf to the truth, Call and Shout! Break through their deafness. Shatter darkness and wash away blindness. Give multiple opportunities for second birth Lord, out of Your patience and love and the depth of Your kindness. I pray this would not be a kissup prayer. You are really patient and supremely loving, and so kind. You desire for ALL to know Christ! So please heal. Hearts, bodies, minds Jesus! In the Name of Jesus, the Name that CONQUERED Death. Display the work of God in the lives of those who are hurting and need help. Bring glory to Your Name even through the sin and the pain. Prove true the love of those who follow You; deepen our love for You Father. Draw us close to You.

Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. Amen.

2:01 pm